A/N: This might be a one shot, if i come up with more i'll post them.
101 things the Cullen's are not allowed to do.
1. You are not allowed to walk around in a custom of your favorite prey and say: "You are what you eat"
2. Don't cut Alice's credit cards and blame it on Renesmee…Or Jacob
"Why can't we blame it on the mutt?" Rosalie hissed annoyed.
"Because why Jacob would cut Alice's credit cards?" Nessie complained throwing her hands up in the air. Rosalie harrumphed.
Alice frowned. "It was so not funny Emmett" She glared at him. Emmett grinned. "I hate last minute decisions" Alice mumbled.
"Ha, in your face Blondie!" Jacob chuckled. Rosalie glared at him.
"Enough!" Carlisle interrupted. "So moving on"
3. Going around the hospital claiming you hear voices is prohibited. Yes Edward you!
4. …or saying you see dead people. Rosalie and Emmett!!!
Edward snickered. "You have to admit it was funny" Carlisle glared. Alice and Jasper snickered.
"It so was not!"
I laughed. "Rosalie's was pretty funny too"
Rosalie smirked. "The best part is, they actually believed us" Emmett high fived Rosalie and grinned.
"Idiots" Mumbled Esme.
5. Dressing up as any Harry Potter character is forbidden, people don't appreciate when you mock beloved characters, especially when you say you can "Work your magic 'stick' to perfection'.
6. You can't call Alice the 'Pixie of the Underworld'.
7. Exchanging Alice's wardrobe with Edward's is not funny! Nessie!
Nessie laughed. "That was so funny! Aunt Alice's expression was priceless" She high fived Jacob who smirked. Alice glared daggers at them.
"If looks could kill" Jasper mumbled and the snickered.
"Funny?" Edward complained. "I thought Alice had done it! I thought I'd had to walk around in woman's clothes!"
I was laughing so hard that if I were human I'd be out of breath by now.
"I would be afraid if I had to dress up as the pixie of the underworld" Emmett guffawed. Alice smacked Emmett on the back of the head. "Ow!" Emmett complained. Alice stuck her tongue out at him. "Rose she hit me!"
"Serves you right" Rosalie said. I snickered. Emmett pouted.
"Moving on!" Esme said.
8. Imitating Carlisle's British accent is rude, as well as claiming Jasper is cowboy.
9. It is absolutely forbidden to say Carlisle is Sherlock Holmes.
10. Answering Esme's cell phone and saying: "Good afternoon, Esme Cullen; Carlisle's secretary speaking" is forbidden. Yes Alice!
11. You can't seduce drunken man on purpose and make them follow you home. Rosalie!!
12. Don't feed Jacob hot dogs and then claim he's eating his own wiener.
Rosalie burst out laughing. "Who did that?"
"Jasper" all of us said in unison. Jacob glared. Rosalie high fived Jasper. Nessie rubbed Jacob's arm soothingly but was fighting her giggles.
"Jacob don't be so poignant, we were just jesting with you" Emmett copied Carlisle's accent; a very bad imitation I should say. Rosalie rolled her eyes and Carlisle glared at Emmett.
"Wait" Alice said. We turned to her. "It was Bella the one who answered the phone! Bella, you blamed it on me!" Crap.
Esme turned her head towards me slowly. I gulped. "Isabella Marie Cullen Swan!" My eyes widened. Esme pointed her finger at me which just added to the dramatic effect. "You made me believe it was Alice all along, I punished her for something she didn't do!" I gulped again; Esme was scary when she wanted to.
"There, there Esme" Carlisle said rubbing her back. "You can punish Bella later. So, going back o he list"
13. Seducing a sales man so he gives you car parts for free is uncalled for. Rosalie yet again.
"Oh come on! I got a 15,000 dollar Ferrari engine for free, besides I didn't hear Bella complain when I told her!" Rosalie said. I shrugged.
Esme shook her head and continued to write.
14. Telling Alice she was in a "loony bin" is not nice, Emmett.
15. You can't follow Carlisle around the hospital imitating his every move and word.
16. Don't go to the mall and burst out singing "Sexy Back" in the middle of the crowded food court.
17. Stealing Rosalie's magazines, shoes, clothes, or any other personal belonging only makes her furious; you don't want to face Rosalie's wrath.
18. Reminding Bella she was clumsy during her human life will earn you a punch in the face.
19. You can't brag about having sex with the most beautiful woman in the world to complete strangers.
"Aw man!" Emmett complained.
"I'm actually opposing this rule" Rosalie said.
"Suck it up" Esme said, still not over the fact that I was the one who answered the phone.
"But it's not like I'm lying!" Emmett complained again. Rosalie smirked and pecked his cheek.
"Yes Emmett but people don't like it when you point out that you have a hotter wife or girlfriend than they do" Alice said. Emmett sighed and mumbled 'whatever'.
20. Don't ask Alice what you are going to do in 5 minutes every 5 minutes…especially if she can't see you Jacob and Nessie!
21. You can't sign Alice as the fortune teller in the town fair.
"Stupid Edward!" Alice screeched. Edward chuckled. "Do you know how annoying it was when people laughed at my predictions when they were totally true?"
"Well Alice, starting your predictions with the phrase 'I have foreseen' is not exactly something to keep a straight face at" Nessie said. Alice muttered something unintelligible.
"Why did you sign Alice to that in the first place?" I asked Edward.
He smirked. "I made a bet with Jasper"
Alice's eyes widened and she glared at Jasper. "No, sweetie…I lost the bet…I thought I was going to win…don't look at me like that…I'll make it up to you…" Jasper was trying to find the right thing to say to Alice. "You can take me shopping any time you want and I won't complain" Alice's face immediately lit up.
"Ok" she said clapping her hands. Jasper sighed in relief.
22. Don't go up to people and say look, and then start making out with your respective partner.
23. Starting a food fight in the mall food court will only get you to get banned from the mall.
24. Never take Nessie to a strip club!
"Damn it" Nessie muttered. My eyes widened.
"Who took her to a strip club?" I said in shock. Rosalie looked around and whistled. "Rosalie!"
She bit her lip. "It was Alice's idea!"
"So was not!" Alice complained.
"I don't care who idea it was!" Edward said. "You can't take our daughter to a strip club!"
"Chill Edward she's 18" Emmett and Rosalie said in unison.
"I don't care if she's 18 or 40! If any of you ever take her to another strip club you'll face…" Rosalie looked at me like she was challenging me. I gulped. I started again. "You'll face Edward's double fury!" Rosalie smirked. "And Jacobs!" I added. Rosalie shrugged.
"She enjoyed it" Rose added. I turned to Renesmee; she just bit her lip and looked away.
"What?" She hissed. "I'm a woman!" Jacob pouted. "Maybe if you gave me a strip dance I'll forget about it" Nessie whispered to Jacob. I gagged.
"That was something I absolutely did not want to hear!" Edward and I said at the same time. Jacob chuckled.
25. Exchanging Bella and Rosalie's clothes with gangster clothes is stupid; you know what happened last time Jasper!
26. Don't buy a cat, a dog, a hamster or any animal for that matter.
27. Calling the author of "Interview with a Vampire" and saying that vampires don't have fangs is rude.
"But we don't!" Alice said.
"It doesn't matter Alice!" Carlisle said. Alice sighed.
28. Talking in a Transylvanian accent only makes you look foolish.
29. Never call Carlisle Doctor Fang.
30. Hacking the FBI's files and exchanging them to work curriculums can get you arrested.
31. Never buy a gun and shoot each other for fun.
"Damn" Jasper and Emmett said. "But nothing happens; the bullet just gets crushed to powder!"
"But it calls attention from other people!" Esme said.
32. Never ever call Rosalie Ro-Ro, or Rosa, or any other nickname that's not Rose, or in Emmett's case Rosie.
33, Banning Gossip Girl from the TV get's Alice and Rosalie in a bad mood.
"Ugh, but I hate that show!" Edward complained. "And I have to listen to it every Monday at eight!"
"Sucks for you!" Alice and Rosalie said at the same time.
"Because of you I missed the last episode; it was torture Edward, torture!" Alice said dramatically. Edward sighed and shook his head.
34. Never call Mike Newton imitating Jessica's voice claiming you're not over him.
35. Using Emmett as a punching bag is uncalled for.
36. Arranging the family's clothes by color, size, and brand is creepy.
"It's not fair!" Alice cried. "Rosalie was perfectly fine with it!"
"Yes, Rosalie not the rest of us" Nessie said. Alice sighed and muttered something that sounded like 'ungrateful people without fashion sense' under her breath.
37. Going up to people and talking to them in a different language only get's them annoyed, especially when you use Bulgarian, Russian, German, and Pig Latin.
38. Don't go up to people saying you are smarter than them; they don't like it.
39. Never write on the blank wall of the mall: Cullen's rule and Rosalie is too sexy for her shirt. This goes for Emmett!
40. Don't lock Alice and Bella in the same room with the song "I Kissed a Girl" and expect them to kiss each other; it's not going to happen.
"I swear I was scarred for life" Bella said. Alice nodded agreeing with me. "Whose idea was it anyways?" Jasper and Edward looked at each other. Alice and I glared at our respective husbands.
41. Don't dress up as a gangster and claim you're 50 cent, people won't believe you.
42. Telling Nessie she can't get a pedigree because she's a half breed is rude.
43. Then claim Jacob can't either because he's also a half breed.
44. Poke any member of the family constantly until you annoy them so much you get thrown against a wall.
45. Waking up Nessie yelling: "Wii tournament!" at 3 am makes her cracky, don't do it!
"It's not our fault she sleeps like a freaking bear in winter!" Jasper said. Alice smirked.
"It was 3 in the morning!" Nessie complained and Jacob rubbed her back. "I was having a nice dream"
"What were you dreaming about huh?" Emmett asked wiggling his eyebrows. Nessie bit her lip.
"I um…well…None of your business!"
Another thing I definitely didn't need to head. Edward cringed on his chair and turned back to the list.
46. Keep your thoughts PG-13 rated when you're around Edward.
47. Don't force any of the guys to watch "Mean Girls" with you.
48. Don't sign up for WWE tournaments.
"Aw man!" Emmett complained again. Esme shook her head.
49. Do not rearrange the furniture claiming you're doing Fen Shui when you're only doing it to piss Esme off.
50. Don't go to the hospital and burst in the emergency room while Carlisle is at work, claiming you have a no-no and that you want a band aid around your finger.
Rosalie giggled. "That was funny"
Carlisle harrumphed. "People made fun of me for three months Rosalie!"
Rosalie smirked and nudged me playfully. I laughed.
51. Do not play Monopoly, Rosalie get's pissed off when Alice steals her money.
52. Do not fight over the money bag piece when playing monopoly! There are other pieces you can play with.
53. Painting Edward's Volvo pink and blaming it on Nessie is stupid, Edward can read your mind.
54. No blonde jokes.
"Damn!" Jacob said. "I had a new one, how do you call four blondes in a row?"
Rosalie glared and gave Jacob the finger. Jacob snickered. "Does she know it?" He asked Edward. Edward shook his head. "An empty tunnel"
Rosalie growled.
"Hey" Jasper said. "I'm blonde too, a little respect" Carlisle nodded. Jacob snickered.
"No blonde jokes!" Esme told Jacob.
55. Never dress Jasper in leather pants and claim that since he's from the south cowboys wear leather all the time.
56. Dancing "Crank Dat" in the living room is prohibited; Emmett broke the unique China Vase last time.
57. Don't hum the Jaw's theme song every time Rosalie enters a room Jacob!
58. "Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy Me" is not Rosalie's favorite song, quit pointing it out!
"I thought it was" Alice snickered. Rosalie rolled her eyes.
"Is not"
"Is too"
"Shut up!" Carlisle said.
"Rosalie is not bitchy!" Emmett complained. We all looked at him. "What?"
"What about the other words?" I asked,
"She is sexy and she is naughty, very naughty" Emmett said winking at Rosalie. Rosalie giggled. We all gagged.
"Next" Esme said.
59. Don't sign Alice to a session for "Shopaholics Anonymous" even though she is a shopaholic.
60. Don't call Jasper or Edward emo; they are not even remotely close to being emo.
61. Do not claim Bella is Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter just because they have the same nickname.
62. Edward is not Cedric Diggory!
63. Muttering "Says the mind reader" after everything Edward says gets annoying.
64. Don't run around the mall with the British flag wrapped around your waist claiming 'You're trying to get to your British side to be more like Carlisle'
"On my defense I only did that once" Edward said. I laughed.
"You were escorted to Mall security and you were arrested for disturbing the peace" Esme said glaring at him. Edward snickered and shrugged.
65. Don't complain that Gossip Girl's Serena is not the most beautiful woman in the world, ergo, Rosalie, don't complain Blake Lively is not pretty enough to be Serena.
66. Play all the keys of Edward's piano back and forth for 4 hours straight.
67. Singing the phrase 'and I jizzed in my pants' every time Rosalie walks into a room is pathetic Emmett.
68. Super glue bear fur on Jacob when he's sleeping will cause Nessie to get mad at you.
"It took three hours of pain to get the fur off my body! Three hours!" Jacob whimpered. Nessie patted his back. Emmett and Edward smirked at each other. I rolled my eyes.
69. Don't wear a tux on a random day claiming you're a 'Vampire Penguin'
70. Don't play Jeopardy; the last time we played it lasted 5 days straight.
71. Don't Jump in front of Rosalie with a cross and throw holy water at her yelling: "The power of Christ compels you!"
Rosalie snorted. "Pathetic"
Jacob rolled his eyes. "It was a joke!"
"It was insulting!" Rosalie said. Jacob shrugged.
"It was worth a try"
Nessie smacked Jacob's arm and he winced. "Good it hurt" Nessie said. Rosalie grinned.
72. Whenever a family member speaks don't say 'and how does that make you feel?' That goes for you Jasper.
73. Don't claim the first Thursday of each month to be "Naked Thursday" when you're the only one walking around naked.
74. Don't make drum roll sounds every time Bella is going to say something.
"Hey! That's my way of announcing mom's going to speak!" Nessie complained. I pointed my finger at her.
"Listen young lady, you respect your mother!" I said. Edward chuckled.
"You better listen to your mom Nessie" Edward said. Nessie rolled her eyes.
75. Write a litter to the Volturi telling Heidi that Rosalie is prettier than her, even though it's true.
76. …Or to Jane claiming Alice looks more angelical than her.
77. Street racing is absolutely forbidden!
"Why?" Rosalie complained.
"Because it's not fair, it's technically cheating!" Carlisle said.
"Yeah, but they don't know I have heightened senses!"
"Exactly my point, they're never going to beat you"
Rosalie sighed and rolled her eyes.
78. Never call the Volturi telling them to change their current cable plan to Verizon.
79. …Or claiming they won the lottery; Aro only believed that once.
80. Don't answer your cell phones saying: "Good afternoon, Domino's pizza, what can I do for you?"
81. Every time a teacher says the South lost the war don't give them the finger or randomly yell: "The South forever!" while standing up on your desk. Jasper, you know it's for you.
82. Don't call Carlisle 'Carlizzle ma nizzle'
83. Don't teach people to pronounce Carlisle's name as: Carr-Lees-Lay.
"The nurses at the hospital kept calling me like that for weeks Bella!" Carlisle complained. I snickered.
84. Claiming that the reason Emmett is so big is because he takes steroids is rude and uncalled for; people actually believed it.
85. Hold Alice's Porsche keys over your head and say: "You want them Shorty? Jump for them". You know she'll be able to reach them Jacob.
86. Buy Alice a canary and tell her it matches her car.
87. Replace Emmett's jeep with a VW Beetle.
88. Talk like a gangster for three days straight, or any day actually.
"For the last time, it was a bet!" I said.
"Sure it was little sis" Emmett said and snickered.
"What? I lost it to you!"
"That's what she said" Jasper choked out. Edward growled. I sighed.
89. Turn our house into "Emmett and Jasper's evil liar"
90. Get the wolves drunk and take their clothes, especially Leah; she gets really pissed off.
91. Play 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' in Edward's piano over and over; we don't care that it's the only song you know Emmett.
92. Do a staring competition.
93. Change your mind every minute to confuse Alice; it's already bad enough she can't see Nessie or Jacob.
"It really does get annoying" Alice said while rubbing her forehead. Jasper kissed her cheek.
Emmett began twitching uncontrollably on his seat, and then fell to the floor. He looked like he was having an epileptic attack.
"Emmett, what the hell?" Rosalie said, looking at her husband with wide eyes.
Emmett got up and laughed. "That's Alice when she can't see something!"
We burst out in laughter, all of use except for Jasper and Alice. Alice sighed.
"It was so not like me!" Alice complained. Emmett smirked and shrugged.
94. Dress up as a pirate and claim you're Captain Jack Sparrow; we banned Edward from 'Pirates of the Caribbean' last time.
95. Play Dance, Dance Revolution and complain the game is not fast enough then bet a person you can beat them; that's cheating, humans don't have super speed.
96. Dress up in a red cape, blue spandex pants and a blue shirt and claim you're the real superman, and then run around town asking people if they need to be saved.
97. If they say yes don't say: What the hell? Why are you asking me to save you, ask batman!"
98. Every time you exit a room, restrain yourself from saying: "To the bat cave!"
99. Don't name Edward's Aston Martin the bat mobile just because it's black.
100. And last but not least: When Jacob walks into a room don't say: Ew, who farted?
"That should do it" Carlisle said putting the pen down on the table.
"100 things?" Rosalie said. "Isn't that a little too much?"
"Well if you behave yourselves more often we wouldn't have to go through this!" Esme said.
"I don't like the list" Emmett said.
"Me neither" Jasper said.
"Ditto" Said Nessie.
We sighed and got up from the table. Esme grabbed the list and framed it on the wall.
The phone suddenly rang and Emmett yelled "Noooo!"
Carlisle was faster and he grabbed the phone.
"Hello, we're calling from Fed Ex, we have an order of 1,000 lava lamps for Emmett Cullen, and we just wanted to know if it was correct"
"Yes, about that, cancel that order please; I'll make sure to pay for the inconvenience"
"Ok"
Carlisle hung the phone. "1,000 lava lamps?" Carlisle yelled.
Emmett flinched. "I wasted to make a fake Volcano!"
Esme sighed and Rosalie grabbed the pen.
101. Don't let Emmett shop in EBay, Amazon, or any other online shopping website without supervision.
A/N: If i get enough reviews i'll make more, how about 50 or 100 more? lol