A/N: I have SpamWarrior's permission to use Lorna, so don't kill me on that account--she's my neighbor, and we've drunk many a bottle of margarita mix together. She actually wrote little bits of this, bless her soul.....She'll probably kill me for actually posting it, though.
Snape's Problems (And other messed-up stuff)
Severus Snape walked down the dark corridor towards the staff room. Stepping one foot into the doorway, he ran into Lupin.
"Remus, watch where you're going." Snape eyed him angrily, saying curse words under his breath.
Lupin just smiled, replying in his usual cheerful voice, "You must excuse me Severus, I was being clumsy."
A few more low curses came from Snape's mouth before he walked into the lounge. Lupin peered at him, then walked off, his smile not tarnished.
He nodded his head in a silent "hello" towards McGonagall, who still wasn't talking to him since the Slytherins had won the last Quidditch game. "No need for scowling, Minerva." Was all he said before sitting down at the table across from Lorna Doors. He flashed her a dangerous glance. She laughed and put her finger up to her nose, hooking it upwards and whispering, "I'm Snape. I act like a big mean jerk, but I'm really a Care Bear wannabe."
"That's enough, Lorna." Dumbledore said, looking rather amused that someone had teased the teacher everyone feared. "Now, what are we going to do about our little problem with the ravenous pixies?" He asked, mainly to Professor Doors.
"Well, I'm sure we can bribe them from the castle if we. . . " She was cut of by Snape's sharp voice.
"We are not professors who have to bribe little lights away from the castle. They haven't even attacked anyone yet." ("Ah! Help me Harry! The pixies are gaining!" Cried Neville.)
Doors arched an eyebrow upon hearing Neville's cry. "You were saying?" Snape allowed a snarl to escape, then turned to the door where someone was knocking.
Professor Flitwick answered the door and was promptly bowled over by Malfoy. "Professor Snape? A word?"
Snape got up from his seat. "I'll be back." He hissed at Lorna. She put her feet up on the table and stretched her arms. "Yep, I was afraid of that." Professor McGonagall pushed her feet off.
"Really Lorna, if you're going to put your feet on the table, at least where some shoes," She said, looking disgusted. "So-rry."
Severus and Malfoy walked out into the hallway. "Uh, sir, Hermione Granger just blew up half the dungeon..." Draco said, stupidly.
Snape rolled his eyes. "You mean I finally get to punish that little.. that little. . . " Just then Lupin walked by, looking at Malfoy. Snape finished his sentence, "Er.. that little angel.."
He didn't pay any attention to Snape. "Mr. Malfoy, aren't you supposed to be in the dungeon? Its not time to roam about the halls."
"He has my permission," Snape said coldly, eyeing Lupin as though he were something unpleasant that had crawled out of the sewer. "He just informed me that Miss Granger just incinerated half my classroom, and I was on my way to punish her accordingly."
Lupin raised his eyebrows, mildly surprised. "That doesn't sound like Hermione," he said. He was going to say more, but just then Hermione and Crabbe burst out of the dungeon, pummeling the living tar out of one another. Despite Crabbe's superior size, Hermione was obviously winning, as she had possession of a large and rather formidable-looking cast-iron frying pan, with which she was whamming hell out of her opponent.
"Uh, never mind," said Lupin, seizing them both by their collars. His face was tired, indicating that he clearly didn't want to have to ferret out just WHAT in hell had been going on here, but fortunately for him McGonagall came hurrying down the hallway at that moment, followed by a whole army of teachers.
"Mr. Weasley just told me that Hermione and one of your Slytherins were trying to kill each other!" she said to Snape, shooting him a withering glare. "If you can't learn to control your students......"
"I don't need advice from you on how to control my students! You should be worrying about your perfect little queen here, who probably cheats on her tests." He scoffingly turned to Hermione, whose face had gone a truly fantastic shade of purple at the word 'cheats'.
"Why you son of a....." Her words failed her, and so instead she raised her frying pan high over her head and hurled it with all her strength at Snape. He dodged it--barely--and a moment later stood hopping in pain, holding one foot and howling.
Dead silence fell--for about half a second. The little crowd had no time to take any of this in before a cackling laughter filled the hall, and both Doors and Lupin collapsed in hysterical fits. Hermione took one look at the infuriated Snape, muttered "Oh, crap," and fainted dead away, while Malfoy hastily retrieved his jaw from the floor.
McGonagall looked equally as shocked as Malfoy, and bellowed, "Draco, down to the classroom." (Which at this present moment was smoking and sizzling.) He did as told, but not without taking another bewildered look at the unconscious Hermione. The fuming transfiguration teacher then yelled at Crabbe. "Go, get a fire extinguisher or something!" He crawled back a few feet before standing up, then turned and ran towards the third floor fire extinguisher.
After their laugh fest, Lupin hauled Hermione off over his shoulder towards the hospital wing, where Madam Pomfrey was waiting, yellow eyes in a confused state on why Hermione was fainted. He left her in the more than capable hands of the nurse, and he and Lorna headed off to dinner.
"Well, you can't say it's not an interesting place to work," said the latter, as she helped the hapless Neville down from his terrified perch on a chandelier. "But I'm starved."
The three made their way into the Great Hall, listening to the whispers of what assault Hermione had committed. Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering and talking to Malfoy, and he yelled at them angrily when they said Hermione deserved it, which attracted a stare from Pansy Parkinson. ("What are you looking at you pompous hag?!")
They all walked over to the staff table and took their seats. Lorna looked over at Harry and Ron, who were giving each other confused stares and were uttering that Hermione must have gone tweaky for a few moments, she'd never hit a teacher on purpose. Lorna just shook her head and said, "I'll tell you later."
This earned her a glare from Snape, who was now limping on crutches, as Hermione's frying pan had broken all five of his toes. ("Damn, I hope that girl doesn't become a dentist...her patients would never survive.") Doors didn't even bother turning around; she just picked up a spoon full of peanut butter and casually whiffed it over her shoulder. It nailed him square in the forehead, leaving a big, peanut-buttery smear. Harry and Ron (and most of their half of the Gryffindor table) choked and nearly spewed grilled cheese. Nobody else seemed to have noticed, however, and a whole five minutes managed to pass in relative peace.
However, it was only five minutes. Flitwick mentioned Hermione in passing to Professor Trelawney, thereby causing Snape's face to go red and a vein in his temple bulge.
"Really, that girl ought to be expelled," he muttered. "Attacking a teacher like that, it's ridiculous...."
Lupin turned to him. "Expelled, Severus?" he said around a mouthful of trifle. "Isn't that a bit extreme?"
Snape scowled darkly. "I hardly think so," he snarled. "That girl is a menace, and should be dealt with accordingly."
Sirius, who had heard everything from Lupin and Doors, laughed. "Hermione, a menace? You must know some other Hermione; that was completely out of character for her. And didn't you call her a cheat?"
Snape scowled worse than ever. "Maybe," he said grudgingly.
Doors snorted. "Well, no wonder she snapped; you're lucky she didn't brain you with that thing. You don't call someone like her a cheat and expect not to suffer the consequences."
"Oh, shut up, Lorna," he snapped. "Who asked you?"
A pixie popped up behind him, wielding a spoon that looked like it had gone through the garbage disposal one too many times. "I did!" it cried indignantly, before settling contently on Doors' shoulder.
Lupin grinned. "Well, there you have it, then," he said, before digging into some more trifle.
Snape glared at him. "Don't test me, werewolf," he muttered, his voice pure venom.
Lupin looked startled; Sirius made a move for his wine glass, but Doors beat him to it.
"Aw, Snape, have some pie," she said absently, and without looking up from her plate shoved him face-first into a rather nice-looking lemon meringue pastry to his left.
For a moment there was silence, as the other teachers, unaware of all that had transpired previous to this, gawked. Finally, there was a break.
"'ey, I 'as gonna eat that!" cried Hagrid from the other end of the table.
"Sorry, Hagrid," said Doors.
Let us draw a curtain of charity over the rest of the scene.
****
Hermione was sitting in the Gryffindor common room by the time everyone had come back from dinner.
"Hermione!" Cried Ron. "Did you really smack Snape in the foot with a frying pan?!" Hermione nodded, she didn't seem as proud as someone else would have been after completing the same act.
"What did that ugly git do to you Hermione?" Now it was Harry's turn to ask, and he sat down in the chair next to her.
"He called me a.. a.. cheater." She said, looking both sad and furious. Harry and Ron both lurched back in fear, chorusing, "AND HE'S STILL ALIVE??!"
"Well, only because I have bad aim." She sighed.
Malfoy's usual drawl could be heard from outside the portrait hole. "Pansy's just dreaming. She's not worth my time. So, did you enjoy the Gryffindors defeat yesterday? Huh?" Now he was calling inside to whomever was sitting there at the present moment.
Hermione burst through the portrait hole, the fat lady flying back and hitting the wall. "WHAT WERE YOU SAYING DRACO?!"
"Uh, er..." He finished in a squeaky voice like he had been kicked in the groin. "Nothing Hermione... I was just talking to Crabbe and Goyle.." He looked at her pitifully for a few seconds, before running for his life towards to Slytherin common room, along with the two brutes that were always accompanying him. The three bowled right past Doors, Lupin, and Sirius, who were laughing over something.
"Riiight," muttered Doors, as Crabbe tripped over his own feet and fairly flew down the staircase. "So, Hermione, got any other assassination plans?" she asked, grinning.
Hermione flushed. "No," she said. "And I really wish everyone would just let me forget that ever happened."
Sirius clapped a hand on her shoulder. "Not likely, Herm. You've done what we've all wanted to do for many, many years."
Lupin snorted. "Poor Severus; he's probably not had such a rotten day in ages," he said. "Lorna, did you really have to shove his face in that pie?"
Doors drew herself up to her full (and still very short) height. "Remus Lupin, if you don't want me sticking up for you, just say so. See if I take revenge next time someone insults you."
"Oh, come off it, Lorna; the only reason you came to Remus' defense is because it gave you an excuse to whomp Snape with a pie," said Sirius, flopping into an armchair and nearly squashing Crookshanks, who dashed for the girls' dormitory with a snarl.
Doors looked at him with wide-eyed innocence. "Your point?" she asked.
*********
"So, dance, dance, dance...."
Doors hopped contentedly around her greenhouse, the sound of fiddling permeating the air as she busily repotted a whole load of Spineade Spudici. The air was heavy and moist, and scented with a multitude of smells; flowers, earth, fertilizer, and that strange, indescribable odor unique to greenhouses, that always hangs pleasantly beneath all. Her robes were covered with dirt, her flyaway hair twisted up and held with two mismatched chopsticks left over from dinner, and there was a large smear of topsoil on her nose.
"Listen to the music and before your time is over, all you ever wanted is a Gypsy's wedding day!" she sang, her bare feet shuffling over the packed-earth floor. "Sure, come on, ye wee bastard, you've got to come out of that pot sooner or later." She tugged the reluctant Spudicus from its tiny pot and stuffed it into a new one.
"And as for you," she said, slapping at a spiky plant that was twining around one of the chopsticks in her hair. "Save your energy; you're going to pay Sirius a little visit tonight." The plant withdrew its feelers grudgingly, but seemed almost curious as it returned to its trellis. "Just deal with that hair of his......he was rather a jackass today, so he's got to pay for it," she said absently, her spider like fingers tucking in the dirt around another plant's roots. "Putting eels in the pudding like that, it ruined the whole batch, and I so wanted pudding for dessert."
A sharp rap sounded on the greenhouse door, snapping her rather reluctantly from her reverie. "Who is it?" she called.
"Draco," came the response.
Doors opened the door. "Come on in, Draco. What brings you down so late?"
Malfoy entered, shivering. "Professor Snape wanted some herbs."
Doors snorted. "Good for him. I told him he wasn't getting them until tomorrow, and he's not."
"Oh," said Malfoy, looking rather downcast.
"Hang around for a while, honey," said Doors, returning to her battered wooden counter and the dozens of sniffling plants. "Here, have a Spudicus," she said, shoving one of the whinier plants into his hands.
"Er, thanks," said Malfoy, sitting down on an upturned crate. He blinked, staring down at the small greenery.
"What's on your mind, Draco?" Doors asked, only glancing at him a moment.
"On my mind?" He asked, his voice weak with fear of how she had figured out so easily something was plaguing his mind.
"Well... now that you mention it.. I guess there is something on my mind...."
She looked up at him, wiping the small smudge of dirt from her nose. "Care to talk about it? Or would you rather help me re-plant the Mandrakes?"
His eyes widened a bit and he shrieked, "I'll talk, I'll talk!" One hand fiddling nervously with his collar while the other still clung to the plant, he began to tell her what exactly WAS on his mind.
"Well.. er.."
"You like Hermione, don't ya?" She smiled crookedly.
Draco's face immediately turned a red color, and he yelped aloud. "GAH! HOW DID YOU.. YOU..?!" His mouth twisted in unsaid words as he wiped a bead of sweat from his brow.
"My Draco, you're so debonair with the ladies, aren't you? I know all, wee one."
Malfoy flushed with indignation. Turning up the top corner of his lip, he gave a snort. "You don't know everything!" he sneered without thinking.
"Oh really now? What don't I know that you do?"
There was an awkward pause in which Malfoy realized if he blabbed what he knew, he would have two different people trying to rip his lungs out.
"Er.. uh.. I know your socks don't match!!!" He yelled, quickly jumping to his feet and darting out of the greenhouse.
Doors blinked after his hasty retreat. Her tone was that of the frankly bewildered. "...I'm not wearing socks."
************
Malfoy burst through the doors and ran down the hall, every footfall seeming to echo forever. He paused and took deep breaths, coughing a bit.
"How STUPID! She's always barefoot! Dangit Draco! What the hell did you think you were doing?! That's the best thing you could come up with?! JUST LOOK AT HER FEET!"
There was a creaking noise as Snape stepped from his office, giving Malfoy a particularly curious look. "Draco, are you feeling quite well?"
"Yeah! I'm fine! I promise!" He shot back quickly as he darted off yet again, pelting down the hallway as though the devil were at his heels.
"..That boy has gone off his rocker. Maybe he's sniffing things in my classroom he shouldn't be.... and wasn't he supposed to get me some herbs?" He shook his head. "Kids today.."
Snape began hobbling down the hallway, crutch and all, towards the staff room. He needed a good drink.
He found the room crowded with others who seemed to be thinking along the same lines, and had to make an undignified sideways leap as McGonagall tripped over Flitwick and nearly flew headlong into an armchair. Doors, who was nursing something that smelled like it came out of her greenhouses, stopped her in midair and set her safely on the coffee table, before turning her frighteningly green eyes to Snape.
"Come for a drink, Severus?" She asked, cocking one eyebrow up.
He didn't answer, and instead made his way over to the table, sitting down in his usual chair. His eyes roamed over the area, looking for any drink that would be free to his taking. Unfortunately the last available bottle was stolen by a Cornish Pixie who grinned, took a sip, and dropped like a stone.
"Lorna.. must you bring your little.. pets.. into the castle?"
"I didn't bring 'em in. Those lil' buggers do what they please. Flying around with Argus' Qwick Spell is just something they would do."
Snape snorted and looked to Lorna, an odd silence befalling him as he tried best he could to keep his.. secret.. from showing.
She peered at him oddly. "Snape, you look like you're about to puke."
"Must have been the food we had for dinner." He added on a bit dryly. "Maybe the pie was rotten."
Lorna's ears perked up as she heard the squealing cry of a House Elf sobbing in the halls, but she never took her eyes from Snape. They shimmered like a forest frozen over with ice.
"You can never have enough pie..." Smirking, she turned her back and promptly walked out of the room, leaving Snape with a group of drunken wizards and a fairly disgruntled, now conscious, Cornish Pixie.
Scarcely had the door shut than Lorna was back, wielding a broom and swinging wildly at a bright green blur. Harry and Ron had burst in before her, panting and shaken, their hair tousled and faces flushed and bruised.
"Stupid-ass banshees, that's all we need," Doors muttered, delivering the creature an almighty wallop that sent it sailing out the door and through a rather nice-looking stained-glass window.
"Ooops," she muttered. Before anyone could blink, she had caught Harry and Ron by the shoulders and dropped her broom, and the three of them went barreling down the hallway at an ungodly pace.
"Are we living in a looney bin, or what?" Ron demanded, rubbing his eye and wincing.
"Well, honey, I'll give you a hint: The answer's not 'what'," Doors said, scrambling through a passage Harry had never seen and shoving the pair through the door to her room before they could protest.
"What did you DO to that thing?" Harry demanded, collapsing onto one of her overstuffed armchairs.
"Ah, nothing permanent," Doors answered, hopping onto her bed and kicking over a jug of pumpkin juice in the process. "Oh, lovely," she muttered, ignoring it and lacing her hands behind her head.
There was a brief silence, broken only by Ron and Harry's panting, until Doors said, "Hey, Harry, how's Hermione been doing lately?" There was a decidedly wicked tone in her voice.
He and Ron looked at one another. "Well, seeing as how she just assaulted Snape with a frying pan, I'd say she's a little...unbalanced," Harry said, as Ron snickered.
Doors sat up and looked at him. "And other than that? Any odd....anything?"
"Well....now that you mention it..." Ron said slowly, almost unwillingly. "Yeah."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And in the next chapter of "Snapes Problems", confrontation, conflict, and more scariness.