The Runaway

I need a break from it all
Some space from it all for a minute
I'm trying to make sense of it all
This place is so unforgiving
Wanting and waiting
And somehow it's another winter
Big plans and big dreams
They're running out

May 26, 2009 – Mystic Falls: Gilbert House

Dear El,

By the time you read this I'll be gone.

Gosh, that sounds horrible. Lemme rephrase that.

By the time you read this I'll probably be somewhere in Alabama or some random place like that. I know, I know. Why the hell am I skipping town now of all times – because let's face it, this was a long time coming.

Well – I'm just not as strong as you El. And even if I was this town loves you. Mom and Dad loved you. Jen loves you. Jer loves you – although it is debatable whether or not he loves me more . . .

The point is: You belong here. You actually fit into this stupid town with its constant parties and fundraising events. You have friends on a freaking cheerleading team for God's sake. You have that wonderful boyfriend who loves you so much. You go to all your classes and do all the little good girl things.

Stop shaking your head, I'm not trying to be patronizing.

Look. I know you and Jer will miss me tons and that this is a really, really, really bad time to put my travel plans into action. But I just have to get out.

Not fair. I know. Just . . . hang tough.

I know you El. You're the strong one and that's what this family needs right now. Not the crazy, sarcastic, go-where-she-pleases girl that never fit in. Yeah, yeah. I know. I could have fit in like you seeing as I'm so awesome and all – but I didn't. And that's all water under the bridge and all that.

So don't worry about me. I'll probably just do some soul searching and then end up right back in Mystic Falls in no time. It'll be like I never left.

I'll be fine and whatever.

I'm not writing this cause I want you to send out a search party or anything. Let's face it; no one will really care anyways.

I want you to promise me something. . . . Promise me that you'll hold down the fort. And that you'll look after Jer and make sure that he doesn't go off the deep end. Promise me that, okay. I don't want to return to the remains of a burnt down house or anything.

And don't forget to look after yourself. I know how self-sacrificing you can be.

Always and forever,

Al

P.S.: It wasn't your fault so stop feeling guilty.

Alana Serena Gilbert dropped the blue ballpoint pen she was holding onto the desk with a small sigh. She stared at the sloppily written letter before her until her vision turned a little blurry at the edges. Blinking to clear her vision, she then picked up the innocent white paper and folded it in half before carefully sliding it into a crisp, neon envelope. The only thing written on the front was the name Elena Serena Gilbert scrawled in her careless cursive.

She sealed the letter shut with a finality that scared her. It was like the closing of a casket. This was it, no turning back, it was all over now. She imagined that this was probably what it felt like to write a will, only she wasn't dying. Just leaving – or maybe escaping would be a better word.

Alana almost laughed at the formality of it all – a signed letter in careless cursive on heavy stationery. 'Almost' being the key word. But really, this was no laughing matter.

After all, not many people would even think to run away from perfect Mystic Falls. It was all high class and Forest of Eden-like – who in their right mind would ever think to leave?

Well . . . maybe Vicki Donavan, but that girl was messed up bad – like drug usage to the point of rehab bad. Thinking on it now, though, Alana was sure that people would actually notice if Vicki Donavan just up and vanished. There'd be search parties and pictures put on milk cartons and all that stuff. Sure she was a messed up kid who was a blemish on the perfect façade of the town – but she was a blemish with a super awesome brother that was well known and well liked.

And Alana sure as hell wasn't Vicki Donavan.

Not many people would care or even notice if she left. And not because she didn't have really cool siblings that loved and cared for her – but because she was invisible.

The unnoticed sibling.

Maybe it was because Elena was more outgoing than her. Or maybe it was because Elena was all about town spirit and getting to know people and making friends. Or maybe it was because they looked exactly alike that no one seemed to care to try and differentiate between them. Whatever reason there was, of one thing Alana was sure.

The majority of Mystic Falls believe there was only one Gilbert girl – and that was Elena.

Alana wasn't torn up about it.

Much.

She had learned to stop caring a long time ago, a very long time ago.

Vaguely she could recall the first time it became obvious to her that she was invisible.

It had been when she was in seventh grade and had broken her leg climbing a tree. She had missed an entire week of school and no one, not even the teachers, had noticed her absence. At first, Alana had thought it was an accident or maybe everyone was in on some cosmic joke or whatever.

And then she started noticing how everyone referred to her as Elena more often than Alana. It was like overnight they had forgotten her name and was now struggling to remember it – which was ridiculous seeing as she had been walking around on crutches and Elena clearly hadn't been.

It hadn't bothered Alana all that much at first. Their names sounded so much alike that it could have been a simple slip-up. But then she started noticing that it wasn't a mistake. People honestly believed she was her sister. That's when Alana made a startling discovery.

The town believed the twin Gilbert sisters were one person: Elena Gilbert.

It was like they had merged bodies and Elena had won out. It was highly unfair seeing as she was the older twin, even if only by a couple of minutes. But in a way, it was kind of her fault for not correcting the problem when it first emerged. She hadn't cared enough, though. She had thought that it was just going to blow over and then later on in life, she could just look back on it and laugh.

However, it didn't change.

At first, Alana had been furious. What right did they have to just erase her out of existence? She ranted and raved for days and her family had been rightfully angry with her, but there had been nothing they could do. They could talk about Alana until they were blue in the face and people would just look at them and assume they meant Elena.

Slowly over time, it stopped bothering Alana. It kind of became a game. Whenever someone called her Elena, she would just nod her head and pretended to be Elena – then referred all the information back to the real Elena so she wasn't left feeling confused when someone brought up something she should know.

Elena went along with it only because Alana asked her not to make it a big deal.

Soon, the act became a routine – kind of like how an actor would feel when they played a certain character for so long that it was almost like they were that character.

And Alana was simply resigned to the fact that she did not exist.

In the comfort of her house, locked away in her room, Alana would dream about the time when everything was different.

She would remember when she was the one that was friends with Bonnie and Caroline, way back when she and Elena had acted exactly alike. The sibling girls had shared the same interest, did the same things, and dressed identically, the way young twins usually behaved. She would pretend to be Elena and Elena pretend to be her. Everyone had learned to call them Gilbert so that they wouldn't have to figure out which girl they were talking to.

Maybe that had been the start of the problem.

They had been so alike that they even spoke at the same time and said the same things. They had been one person for so long that when Alana began getting interested in different things and dressing a different way, no one had noticed – because Elena still existed. Maybe if she and Elena had changed at the exact same time people would still notice her.

Whatever the reason had been, no one cared much now.

It had been years since the name Alana had been mentioned outside of the house by anyone besides Jeremy – who hadn't been too keen on the idea of his favorite sister being pushed aside. But no one really paid Jeremy much attention either. He was just Elena's kind of crazy little brother.

"At least he's remembered even if only slightly," Alana muttered a bit bitterly to herself. With a small sigh, she shook the thoughts away. It was pointless to linger on them. In the next hour, she'd be out of this stupid town anyways.

Leaning back in her chair and stretching out her arms, Alana took in her room. Everything was cast in the shadow her little desk light made and she could barely make out the faces of the frozen people in her many posters.

Alana stared at them blankly for a moment, thinking about what she was about to do next. The feeling of intense loss crept into her chest, making it ache a little.

Suddenly, she pushed the feeling aside and began to tear her room apart, dumping all her worldly possessions into a large box. She had already packed up everything she believed she would need for this impromptu little trip. Everything that was left, she was deciding to store away.

It took her a total of thirty minutes, give or take a few, to have everything packed up. Little by little she disappeared from the one place that remembered her until no trace of her was left. When Alana was done, the room looked like what it had started out as – a guest room. Alana was sure Aunt Jenna would take the room. After all, her aunt had to be feeling a little creeped out sleeping in the room that had belonged to her dead sister and brother-in-law.

Smiling a little grimly at her work, Alana plucked up the box and then moved to remove herself from the remainder of the house. It would not do to have little random things depressing her remaining family reminding them of her quick departure.

So one by one, Alana visited every room in the house, removing everything that showed she had ever been there – like a robber stealing away precious memories. Away went the thick wooly blanket Grandma Gilbert had knitted her. Gone was the gleaming first place trophy from her spelling bee days. She even packed away her favorite coffee cup that was sculpted in the shape of Snoopy's head.

She left Elena's room for last.

Elena's room was cast into total darkness – her room facing the back of the house and away from the glowing rays of the moonlight. Alana wasn't all that surprised to see her sister passed out on her bed and drooling all over her pillow. In the last couple of days, Elena had taken full advantage of the pain meds she had been given after the accident – using them to help induce a sleep with no dreams.

Alana had been furious when she had found out. It hadn't been a very pleasant argument, but then again they had all been a little on edge lately. Tonight, however, Alana was grateful for Elena's bad habit. It just made sneaking around all the easier.

For a moment, though, all Alana could do was stand in the middle of the room and look around sadly.

This had been the room she had shared with Elena growing up – at least until the divergence took place and Alana had demanded her own room. It hadn't been because she wanted to be away from Elena. No, it had been because she didn't want Elena to feel bad about inviting Bonnie and Caroline over. It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

Now, however, standing inside this room and knowing what she was about to do . . . she kind of felt dirty.

Who was she to take away the memories they had made together? The little stick figures they had drawn together on their first day of kindergarten. The plastic rings from their eight birthday party. The stupid plastic tiara with pink fur Alana had given Elena for Christmas one year.

Shaking the guiltiness away, Alana steeled herself and set to work. She felt like the Grinch, stealing away all of Elena's happiness, but it had to be done. Alana took everything that was hers, everything except a single picture of her and Elena when they were three and the charm bracelet they had bought for each other on their sixteenth birthday – the last birthday they had shared with their parents.

Almost as if it was an apology, Alana placed a long box with a white bow on top next to Elena's head. The little card attached proclaimed: Happy Birthday El.

The rest of the stuff that Alana took, she threw into three boxes before sealing them up and storing them in the very back of the attic – unmarked.

She didn't feel right doing it and she was sure she would regret it later, like when she came back and had to unpack all that stuff again. But in this very moment, she didn't think she'd ever come back and leaving them in their original places would have been just plain cruel.

With a heavy sigh, Alana gathered her things and turned to leave.

The last thing she did before she disappeared into the night, was to remove from her key ring her copy of the house key – the one she got printed with purple and black polka dots – and placed it on top of the letter she left on Elena's bedside table.

And then she was gone from quaint Mystic Falls, not even taking a second glance back.

'Cause I'm running away,
Running away
I gotta do it

Make my escape from this world I've been living in
Nothing's holding me down
I'm leaving this town
I gotta do it

Deep down I know
That as long as I stay true,
It doesn't matter where I'm running to

Jesse McCartney – Running Away