Disclaimer: This story is not intended to make fun of any one story or author. It's merely a mashup of every strange or oft-used plot device I've ever encountered in Trek fanfiction. It's all intended in good fun, and I've actually read some really good stories that use one or more of these tropes. I've even been guilty of writing some of them myself. So if you disobeyed my instructions in the summary to steer clear, try to take it for the parody it's intended to be. :)
Spock woke up and noticed Nyota was gone. That was ok. His sex kitten had done amazing work last night. He smiled to himself. Sure, it wasn't very Vulcan to smile, but he could do whatever he wanted in private. He yawned and rubbed his hands along the chiseled muscles of his bare Vulcan chest.
The computer terminal in the bedroom chimed and he rose to answer it. It was a transmission from his father on New Vulcan.
"Good morning, father," he answered.
"Spock," his father replied.
Sarek was dressed in a sarong and wore a heavy gold chain around his neck and a ball cap at a crooked angle on his head. Sarek had become something of a free spirit since his mother had died, but still maintained his Vulcan sensibilities. Mostly.
"I shall be brief," his father continued. "The Vulcan High Council has just issued a marriage order. All Vulcan citizens are to marry within the next three days to produce children and repopulate our race."
"That seems like very short notice," Spock replied.
"Hey, rules are rules," Sarek shrugged. "I don't make them, I just follow them."
"But you're on the Vulcan High Council. You do make the rules," Spock argued.
"Oh, right," Sarek agreed. "Anyway, I realize I should use some large and pretentious words so that you remember that I'm the stoic Vulcan you've always called 'father,' but I need to... what is the term? I need to bounce."
"An odd phrase," Spock said.
"That is what Brenda called it."
"Father, who is Brenda?" Spock queried.
"Your new mother. We met last week on Earth at a freestyle rap battle competition and were married the next day. It seems a little sudden, but that's the power of Vulcan bonding for you. We are getting couples tattoos later this afternoon and I do not wish to be late. I urge you to follow my wishes. I shall expect you at home in three days' time to marry. Don't try any of your typical rebellious 'oh, I'm half human, the Vulcan rules don't apply to me' crap. Do you understand?"
"Yes, father," Spock replied, knowing he could never deny the wishes of the Vulcan High Council. Not ever. Nope. Not even a little bit.
"I must bid you farewell, my son. Live long and prosper," Sarek said.
"Yes, peace and long life," Spock replied.
Spock was troubled. Nyota had long pressured him to "make an honest woman" out of her. He supposed it was time. He dressed quickly, admiring his figure in the mirror. He was Adonis made flesh.
He stopped by the mess hall for a quick breakfast before his shift and deliberated the best way to tell his girlfriend that they would have to get married. The law was the law. He sat down across from Sulu, who also appeared deep in thought.
"You seem cheerful," the helmsman mused.
"I was just informed I shall be required to marry within three days to satisfy an arbitrary law the Vulcan High Council just enacted," he explained.
"That's rough. I just found out I'm gay," Sulu whined.
"Really?" Spock asked in surprise, forgetting his usual Vulcan demeanor of stoicism.
"Yeah, total shock, right? Turns out I have a husband and daughter and everything," Sulu said.
"Congratulations," Spock replied.
"Yeah, thanks, it's just a lot to take in."
Chekov flopped down in the seat next to Spock. "Have you seen the new girl? The lieutenant?"
"Yeah, she's perfect," Sulu agreed.
"What is her profession?" Spock asked.
"Everything. Apparently she knows how to run the entire ship by herself and look like a model doing it."
"Fascinating," Spock replied. "Have you spoken with her?"
"No!" Chekov explained, losing himself in thought. "Beauty like hers… one does not dare touch the sun."
"Hey fellas!" Bones called, sitting next to Sulu.
"Good morning, doctor," Spock replied.
"Don't mind me, I'm just here to offer Southern charm and the occasional catch phrase. After all, I'm a doctor, not a serious character."
"Hey boys!" called another voice from behind Spock's shoulder.
They turned to see a gorgeous blonde woman approach the table.
"Hello," Dr. McCoy whispered under his breath.
"Are you the new lieutenant?" Spock asked.
"You don't recognize me?" she laughed. She snapped her fingers and turned into the familiar, male Captain Kirk.
"I just found out I could do this! Isn't it incredible? Look!" he exclaimed, snapping his fingers and reverting back into a female form.
"Boobs," she said, waving down to her chest and snapping her fingers. "No boobs!"
"Jim, I don't think that's normal. You should come with me to sick bay," the doctor said.
"Oh come on Bones," Jim Kirk sighed, snapping his fingers to turn back into a woman. "I think I'm going to stay like this for a while. Get in touch with my feminine side."
Spock couldn't explain why, but he was incredibly attracted to the female Captain Kirk.
"How should we call you, ma'am?" Sulu asked.
"I think I'll call myself Jessica," she said, after a short period of contemplation. "Now let's get down to the bridge."
Everyone stood, but Jessica Kirk gently touched Spock's arm. "Can we speak in private?"
"Of course, captain," Spock replied.
He waited for the others to go on ahead and Jessica Kirk gently caressed his pointed ear and said, "I've always been in love with you."
Spock was surprised by the confession, but for reasons he could not explain, grabbed her and pulled her into a sweeping, deep, romantic kiss. When they broke apart, he could feel the fireworks in his chest.
"Captain, I need to tell you that I'm getting married," he announced.
"You are?" a familiar voice called from the entryway.
"Yes, my illustrious caramel goddess," Spock answered, using the pet name Nyota preferred. "I shall explain the details later."
When he turned to see her, he saw his beautiful girlfriend was standing next to a dazzlingly beautiful woman with light blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. She had tanned skin, a toned body, and a smile that could kill. Literally kill. She was so captivating she made Nyota look like a chubby balding man by comparison.
"Ok," Nyota shrugged, easily accepting his baffling revelation.
"Oh, and the captain is now a woman," Spock explained.
"Sure, makes sense to me," Nyota smiled. "Oh, and this is the new lieutenant."
"Hi," she grinned. "I'm Lieutenant Aubrey Annabelle Wren Braylynn Morpheus Crystal Harvest Amber Lily Anne Stargazer. My friends call me Jay."
"When did you transfer in?" Jessica Kirk stammered, clearly awestruck by the angelic figure before him, er, her.
"Just last night. I think you'll find I'm smarter than any other person you've ever known and more beautiful than any creature you've ever beheld, but the second toe on my left foot is slightly longer than my big toe, so obviously I'm not perfect." She flipped her immaculate blonde hair playfully.
"Where are you from?" Spock asked.
"I don't know. I was found abandoned in an escape pod, which makes me mysterious. I never knew my parents, so I'm kind of an orphan, which will make you want to feel sorry for me and get to know me. So I'm damaged, but I'm also tough. And by using a cool nickname like Jay, I think you'll find I'm just relatable enough."
"And what is your skillset?" Spock asked, getting the sensation he was falling in love with the mysterious Aubrey Annabelle Wren... Braelin? Orpheus?... Jay. He was falling in love with Jay.
"Everything. I can do math in my head faster than the computer, steer a ship through a nebula in my sleep, and speak every language. And look, while we've been talking, I managed to bake this gourmet cake." She pulled a decorative red velvet cake from behind her back and showed it proudly.
"Really?" Nyota asked. "All of the Federation languages?"
"No silly, of course not. All of the languages. All of the languages ever invented. And even the ones that haven't been invented yet." She flashed a perfect smile that would make any dentist swoon.
"Oh, and I have a thing for men with pointy ears," she added, biting her lip and looking intensely at Spock.
"Hey, that's my boyfriend," Nyota snapped.
"Careful girly, I'm also trained in all of the martial arts. I could kill you five times before you hit the ground with just one pinky. And besides, don't Vulcans fight for their mates?" Jay asked, wrapping her arms around Spock.
"Hey, I love him too," Jessica Kirk whined.
"I've known him longest," Nyota growled.
"Ladies," Spock said, holding his hands up. "I have a problem. I need to get married in the next three days to comply with a bizarre Vulcan law. Vulcan custom does not allow for polygamy, but I love you all. How am I to choose among you?"
"I know!" Nyota exclaimed. "There used to be an old show called the Bachelor. One man would date multiple women, narrow them down, and then in the end, choose only one."
Spock considered her proposition, and looked at the three beautiful women eyeing him nervously. It seemed the most logical solution for solving a four-sided love triangle.
"Doesn't this bother you?" Jessica Kirk asked, crossing her arms and staring at Nyota. "I mean, he is still technically your boyfriend."
"You would think it would bother me, yeah, but for some strange reason, I'm totally cool with it," she shrugged.
"Ok then," Jessica Kirk said. "Count me in."
"That's fine," Jay said with a wry smile.
"Well, who gets the first date?" Jessica Kirk asked.
"Well, there's a Pride and Prejudice costume party in engineering this afternoon," Nyota said. "I think we should all go on the first date, and then whoever he likes the best, he can take on a one-on-one date tonight."
They all agreed.
"Wait, what is a Pride and Prejudice costume party?" Spock asked.
"Oh, it's where we all dress up and act as characters from the beloved Jane Austen novel for no obvious reason."
"Very well, until then," he agreed.