The Alliance Of Cartoon Fanbase Stereotypes And Nerdish People Who Are Stereotypically Obsessed With Their Favorite Cartoons And Stuff
PART 1
ONCE UPON A RECENT TIME, ON A SPACESHIP NOT SO FAR AWAY...
"Okay, shove off, you cheeky boy, you!" a young anime girl yelled while pushing her robot assistant Jack out of the way right before he could finish typing his sentence.
The anime girl's name was Xela, and she wore a typical anime schoolgirl outfit with some added features; for example, high heels and anime eyes - eyes with the sparkling power to emit a brilliant radiant flash of light that pierced holes through people's eyes and souls.
Jack's eyes started burning for a second after he saw Xela's anime form in all of its glory, and he responded by screaming "MY EYES!" THEY'RE BURNING! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Soon, after all that ridiculous dancing around, Jack was reduced into nothing more than an electrified pile of useless ash.
"FATALITY."
"Khan, would you please stop doing that freaking 'FATALITY' thing every single time I use my death stare?" Xela asked.
"What? I just enjoy doing it. It's amusing." Khan replied. He looked and acted very much like Shao Kahn from the Mortal Kombat series, and he seemed to take great pride in this, even to the point of dressing up exactly like him; skull mask, chest plate and all.
As Khan sat on his space throne watching over the spaceship to make sure nothing happened (and eyeing Xela's partially exposed breasts), he reluctantly said "Good night, crewmates. Sleep tight." Everyone who had been scheduled for the ship's sleeping period was now temporarily asleep.
One day, a young boy named Travis woke up at 6:45 in the morning, stripped himself of his clothing, took a wondrous pouring rainstorm of a shower, and prepared his orgasmically delicious breakfast of plain-flavored Cheerios, pouring the cow-squirted milk of the gods into the beautifully mountainous pile of cereal that filled his parabolic bowl with the majestic grace, glory and passion of a thousand burning and fevered suns. Just for old time's sake, he furiously sprinkled a thunderous hailstorm of crystalline sugar into the bowl.
"Just one spoonful's all I need." he said while mercilessly and relentlessly chopping an innocent banana into thin slices so that all of the banana's children could witness the banana slaughter and weep; he then remorselessly dropped each lifeless slice into his bowl and ate them one by one as he viciously devoured his cereal like a savage animalistic predator.
He then brushed his teeth, which I don't particularly feel like overdramatizing at the moment so I'll skip it. "Geez, I forgot it was still summer vacation..." He was 16 and his parents were somehow at work already.
He had several friends, some more likable than the others, who just so happened to live near him.
Across the street from him lived a crazy and somewhat fat goth girl named Liz. She actually believed Zim and Gir to be Nickelodeon's God and Jesus.
Travis's love for the Rocko's Modern Life series couldn't even begin to compare with Liz's flat-out unbelievable level of Invader Zim obsession. She had actually gone trick-or-treating as Zim one year and Gir the next. She also loved Invader Zim role-playing and fan-fiction to death for some odd reason. Even though Travis never understood why someone would be so literally religiously obsessed over the show, he still somehow managed to tolerate Liz's presence.
Next door to Liz lived a cloyingly flamboyant and extremely effeminate boy named Christian. He was often rumored to be one of Chris Chan's genetically engineered sons.
Travis had always been disgusted by Christian's stereotypical gayness. He clopped gratuitously to My Little Pony characters every day, from their beautiful DeviantART foot-fetish portraits to even their actual canon appearances on the real show. Sonic The Hedgehog was definitely not safe from this fricking frick's unquenchable fantasies either.
Christian worshipped Rule 34, and would often masturbate to it as long as MLP or Sonic characters were involved. A mere foot fetish probably would have been harmless, but Christian seemed to have a full-body fetish for his beloved mainstream characters.
He carried a purse around with him and talked girlishly with a gay lisp in his voice; the purse contained lipstick, makeup, jewelry and a pink bejeweled I-Phone which he displayed proudly to his so-called "friends" who only served to laugh at his complete incompetence. He lived in his basement which was full of Sonic/MLP posters and merchandise.
Next door to Travis lived Jonkay. Jonkay was a hypocritical, past-dwelling, smart-ass, condescending, arrogant, egotistical and narcissistic John Kricfaluski wannabe who believed that everything he did was original and amazing while treating everyone else as cowardly and pathetic wannabes. Travis often got into arguments with him about the direction that cartoons took after the grossly overrated Ren & Stimpy Show which Jonkay naturally praised as high art.
Jonkay had trouble seeing the difference between simply derivative products and blatant rip-offs, so of course he always basically saw Rocko and Spongebob as nothing more than cheap and watered-down imitations of Ren & Stimpy, much to Travis's annoyance.
Across the street from Jonkay lived Bobson, a big Spongebob fan. He also got into arguments with Jonkay at times, but he was never nearly as annoyed by Jonkay's pointless bigotry as Travis was. Bobson wasn't particularly smart, but he at least knew how to live without being a complete douche.
In a trailer park nearby lived Micheal Jay, a deliberately faked stereotype of the South Park fanbase. He was actually surprisingly wealthy and intelligent and was secretly training to become an actor by convincingly doing this circus act with his friends.
When he performed his "acting role", Mike displayed himself as an immature and politically incorrect freak who thought he was cool just because he had watched all the episodes of South Park, drank alcohol just for the "fun" of it, tried way too hard to be funny, and cussed excessively.
The villains on the spaceship just so happened to be observing these six young schmoes and collecting data on them.
"Chances that these six are the main protagonists of a not-very-distant future conflict; probably 99.9%." Jack analyzed.
"Oh, POOEY!" Xela screamed, showing her frighteningly huge and razor-sharp anime teeth as she yelled.
Jack jumped and staggered backward. "Queen Xela! You startled me! Please do not do that again! You are going to cause me to scream my internal CPU unit right out of my head compartment if you do not stop scaring me like this." Jack explained.
"That last sentence had too many syllables! APOLOGIZE!" Xela yelled, causing her hair to glitter like crazy and blow wildly in the air-conditioner wind for no apparent reason.
"Enough of this senseless tomfoolery, children." Khan said. "Separate yourselves from each other and quit your mindless bickering. As Jack clearly explained, we have far more pressing matters to attend to."
"Thank you for acknowledging me, master!" Jack said right before Xela glared over at him angrily and threatened to punch him in the face. Jack backed away from Xela in a very cowardly and trembling fashion and went to the bathroom to take a leak since he could no longer hold it in.
"Anyway," Khan continued, "it is painstakingly obvious that these six teenage children will somehow join forces and attempt to stop us from taking over the television broadcasting world! This plan of ours has been in effect even before we formulated the full scheme!"
"What is our goal, master?" Xela asked.
"Our goal," Khan began to explain, "is to make both children and adults suffer. Humanity has done a great injustice to us. Because we are technically humanoid aliens, we are seen and treated as outcasts by the pure-bred humans on Earth. Also, they put too much sugar in my god-damned coffee! They must pay for such outrageous crimes! If they think Viacom is bad, wait until they see us!"
Khan and Xela proceeded to laugh evilly. "I'll teach those stupid dorks how to spell my freaking name if it's the last bloody thing I do." Xela cackled.
"That you will, my daughter." Khan laughed.
"Hey, guys, what'd I miss?" Jack asked; he had just come out of the bathroom.
"Oh, nothing, we were just planning to partially take over the world." Xela and Khan explained. "Same as always."
"Why can't I have a major part in their cool and diabolical evil plan?" Jack thought to himself, walking sadly and tiredly to his bedroom, lightly crying.
MEANWHILE, ON THE GROUND...
Travis, Bobson, Liz, Jonkay, Mike and Christian made a surprisingly effective team when they set their minds to it. They called themselves the "Super Six", and although they lacked superpowers they lived up to their names.
Mike was a very intelligent young man masquerading as an idiot.
Travis was a very light and fast scout runner with a high metabolism rate and surprisingly decent fighting skills.
Bobson was very good at shooting things.
Liz made a great spy and Jonkay fit the role of a backstabbing sniper perfectly.
Christian made a great distraction.
Together, they formed the Super Six. They had been reading and researching about the upcoming alien invasion for a long time and had also trained their combat skills just in case the aliens turned out to be hostile. Now that they saw a real alien ship in the sky, they knew that the threat had clearly not been made up.
"Jesus, why can't I be the first one to look up and see the spaceship? Why can't I be the one who reports it on the news? Why does it have to be like this?" Jonkay complained.
"Hey, just be grateful that you're on our team, would you?" Travis requested.
"If you say 'grateful' one more time, I swear to God I'm going to punch you in the f***ing throat." Jonkay replied.
"Oh, Jesus Christ, such naughty language! Why are you such a naughty boy?" Christian asked.
"Okay, can someone PLEASE get that boner-biting dick-fart Chris Chan mother-f***** out of here?" Mike requested.
"Oh, you naughty, naughty boy, you!" Christian teased.
"Inferior humans!" Liz yelled. "Your petty conflicts of stupidity are no match for the mighty ZIM! But oh, how the sheer idiocy of your foolish arguments is making me want to cut myself more and more every minute!"
"SILENCE!" Travis yelled. Everyone got back into position and kept quiet right then and there. "Okay, so we're going to infiltrate their spaceship, assassinate their troops, steal their candy and show them who's boss! Everyone got that?"
"Affirmative!" everyone except Jonkay said.
"If I was the one doing that announcement then it would've been witty and amazing. When you do it it's just tasteless and boring in my opinion. Why can't everyone just agree with me?" Jonkay muttered under his breath.
The spaceship landed, and the real highlight of the story began.
PART 2
The spaceship hatch opened,and sixteen robot troops marched out. Jonkay sniped six of them from behind a nearby bush, Bobson shot six more of them down with his revolver, and Liz backstabbed two more of them while Travis beat up the last two with a baseball bat; all the while the smell of Christian's perfume was distracting the robots from attacking the other five team members.
"What?" Khan wondered in astonishment. "They're all dead? How could this be? Send out 100 real alien troops!" By the time Khan had ordered the command, Mike had already hacked into the ship's deployment system so that all 100 troops were deployed in Antarctica where they all died.
"That's what you get for messing with us, c**k-sucker!" Mike laughed.
THIRTY SECONDS LATER...
The Super Six had navigated through the main hall and Mike was carrying the body of an unconscious alien guard. After going up through the elevator, Bobson used the laser rifle that Mike had found from the unconscious guard and shot the unsuspecting throne-room guards with it.
"Nice shooting, Bob!" Travis complimented him.
"Be careful with that thing, sweetie! You'll shoot your eye out!" Christian teased him.
"HA! Inferior human organs!" Liz laughed.
"Thanks for the compliment, Travis! You can count on me, partner!" Bobson explained.
"Hmph. I could've done it better..." Jonkay mumbled.
"Don't bitch, we're on a f****** mission here, asshole." Mike replied.
Mike used the body he was carrying to activate the eye scanner on the royal chamber area door. "Worked like a charm! That f****** guard was totally my bitch, bro."
"Master, why didn't you set up tighter security for this place?" Jack asked Khan.
"You...actually do have a good point." Khan answered. "I was merely toying with these guys. I knew they were destined to make it here."
"Well, what about those one hundred alien soldiers freezing their rear compartments off and dying from sub-zero temperatures in Antarctica right now?" Jack asked.
"Well...I suppose they died valiantly." Khan said lamely, unable to come up with a good excuse. "Okay, let's get ready for action."
The Super Six walked in.
"Stop right there, criminal scum." Jack said flatly.
"What is your business here?" Khan demanded.
"No...the question is, what is YOUR business HERE?" Travis asked.
"Good question." Khan replied. "Our goal is to take over the world, starting with the cartoon channels."
"Are you the tasteless neanderthals who failed to realize that Ren & Stimpy was clearly the most brilliant and genius show in all of human existence?" Jonkay asked.
"Don't make me laugh." Khan replied.
"Are you the reason Nickelodeon relies too much on the silly old Spongebob franchise?" Bobson asked.
"Sort of." Khan replied.
"Did you cancel Invader Zim?" Liz asked.
"We found its portrayal of aliens to be incredibly offensive, and its portrayal of humans was terribly pretentious and overdone even by our standards." Khan explained.
"Are you married?" Christian asked.
"Shut up." Khan replied.
"Are you the reason why South Park feels so cheap and try-hard now?" Mike asked.
"It's always been that way, no offense." Khan replied.
"Are you the reason why Rocko's Modern Life didn't go on demand after being canceled?" Travis asked.
"Yes. We are also the reason why that series still doesn't have an official 100% uncut edition yet. Our influence has corrupted the minds of television programming executives and parental guardians for over a decade, forcing us to live in a world where half of the good things are crushed in favor of repackaging the same boring dreck year after year.
"Why do you think Symbionic Titan and Young Justice got canceled in favor of The Problem Solverz? Because TPS sucked ass, that's why.
"Why do you think Nickelodeon turned Spongebob into a mindless cash cow? To make money, that's why.
"Why do you think Nick and Disney produced so many live-action sitcoms? Because Disney thought it was cool. Television channels don't care what the people truly want. They only care about current trends and making money.
"Why do you think Nickelodeon never acknowledges the fact that Spongebob would not even exist without Rocko's previously built and far superior foundations to build it upon? Because Nickelodeon has always loved sweeping perfectly good shows under the rug like they're nothing.
"Hell, even Clone High got canceled after only one season due to our massive-scale brainwashing of society, yet Beavis & Butthead was still able to continue for way longer than necessary. Do you get the point that I'm trying to make here?" Khan finished his speech.
"Zim knows! ZIM KNOWS EVERYTHING! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! MUHAHAHAHA!" Liz laughed maniacally.
"That speech was just FABULOUS! OH HO!" Christian exclaimed.
"You need...to SHUT! THE F***! UP!" Mike yelled.
"Agreed!" Khan replied, throwing Christian out the window.
"I know I haven't spoken much, but I have to say that you are one evil person! Nice evil speech!" Bobson complimented him.
"Damn...that speech was really deep and kind of sad. I'm impressed." Travis said.
"You're right...pretty much every cartoon since Ren & Stimpy has been a total Ren & Stimpy ripoff. Especially that overrated Rocko bulls*** that Travis keeps talking about." Jonkay said.
"Hey, I'll have you know that Rocko was one of the best and most underrated television shows of all time! Don't judge a book by its cover!" Travis yelled.
"I judged Ren & Stimpy by its cover and it was still awesome! Eat a dick, Rocko fans!" Jonkay yelled.
ONE FISTFIGHT LATER...
"Don't you get it, you imbeciles?" Khan asked. "This is all just a giant hater war. And your main enemy is...the robot! ATTACK!"
Jack was just a tin can with wheels, so the five remaining members of the Super Six beat the crap out of it and threw it into the incinerator.
"Flawless victory. FATALITY." Khan announced.
"Now...while my queen is grocery shopping...you must fight ME!" Khan explained.
Khan threw serrated DVD discs of Jersey Shore, Never Say Never, Sharknado, Batman & Robin, Fanboy & Chum-Chum, A Troll In Central Park, Troll 2, Transformers 2, and various other abominations at the Super Five. Bobson and Jonkay shot them out of the air, Travis and Mike dodged them, and Liz even sliced one of them in half.
Khan then Sparta-kicked Jonkay all the way across the room. "Hmph...could've done it better to myself..." Jonkay thought to himself. Travis clobbered Khan with a baseball bat while Mike threw chairs at him and Liz threw knives from the kitchen.
Khan smashed Jonkay with a hammer as Travis desperately rushed toward him. "GET OVER HERE!" Travis yelled.
Khan turned around right then and there and roundhouse-kicked Travis in the face. Since this was a Chuck Norris roundhouse-kick of the internet meme variety, the entire universe exploded and everyone died. THE END
However, God decided to reward our heroes by rewinding time back to where it was at before the Super Six went into the spaceship and erasing Khan's influence from history.
Moral of the story? HATERS GONNA HATE.