Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters that appear in this fic, nor do I own the concept of the humorous Celebrity Jeopardy skits. The skits belong to and are inspired from Saturday Night Live, and all characters belong to their respective owners.
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"We now return to Celebrityyyyyyy Jeopardyyyyyy, Multiverse Editioooon!!" Johnny Gilbert, the announcer for Jeopardy, and good friend of Rod Roddy, the original announcer for The Price is Right, belted out at the top of his lungs! "Oh, thank Jebus I need a drink!"
At the host's podium, we see the world-famous (admittedly second only to the iconic Mario) Sonic the Hedgehog, in a suit and bowtie, weirded out by something. "Uh... Thanks, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy: Multiverse Edition."
"GWAHAHAHAHA! I knew that announcer would have some grit in his vocals!"
"...And if you're just joining us, before we play Double Jeopardy, let's introduce our three contestants again and their standings!" With the camera zooming in on the three contestants, a blond-haired man in the Titans uniform, a brown hair teen in a tanktop and shorts, and a grey-haired martial artist in martial artist's garb. "These three were teamed up in their respective storylines in the Original Mode of Dynasty Warriors: Gundam, the game where the action stays as well as some bad lines, and the drama is filtered out for your satisfaction! And here they are!"
"Introducing me is irrelevant."
"Shut up." Clearing his throat, the blue hedgehog started. "In third place, with negative eighty-four hundred dollars, is forgettable Titans Lieutenant from the Zeta Gundam series, Jerid Messa."
"FORGETTABLE?!" The blond slammed his fist into the podium. "I'm the greatest rival of that emo-tastic punk who pilots the Zeta Gundam, Kamille Bidan!"
"And where were you when you were overshadowed by Haman Karn and the prettyboy Mr. Scirocco?"
"That's NONE of your concern, you freak!"
"Touchy, for someone who gets decked repeatedly by some blue-haired high school kid. And now while you contemplate how you're supposed to have been dead after that particular series," the hedgehog turned to the player next to the now downed-and-outted Jerid. "In second place, with negative two thousand dollars, the negative and calculative pilot of the Wing Gundam Zero, a Mr. Heero Yuy!" Green eyes turned to Heero's. "You're a notorious figure around these Jeopardy fics, Mr. Yuy."
"Fiction is irrelevent. This side diversion has little to no purpose with my mission." Heero stated matter-of-factly.
"... I suppose you haven't heard of chilling out?"
"Negative. I cannot be calm. I must prepare myself ten steps ahead of everyone else! I must prepare myself to do battle with Zechs, and restore the--"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" The third contestant belted out his opinion, so much that the stagelight above the set dimmed to a simple mood. "You two call yourselves pupils? One's too caught up on vendettas and titles, and YOU need to open yourself up and smile genuinely! Only then will you two earn the right to become MY pupils!"
"...And the man who just berated his 'teammates', as well as being the one responsible for making our announcer scream himself hoarse," Sonic pointed to the third contestant. "In first place, with negative fifty dollars, is Neo Hong Kong's representative from G Gundam, the great Master Asia!" A worried look came over the meter-tall hero. "I'm pretty sure he could destroy an iceburg by yelling his name REALLY LOUD."
Master Asia chortled loudly. "How right you are, hedgehog! I, too, have heard of your exploits; you show promise! Perhaps after the show, I could take YOU on as another of my apprentices!"
"Hey!" Jerid pointed past Heero and towards the old master. "You already have TWO students!"
"Yes, and unless you're going to improve yourself, you will both be unworthy of earning the power that my school teaches!"
"Your words are irrelevent to me. Your boasting fails to hide the fact that you are over-compensating for your pitifulness." Heero countered, smirking slightly with Jerid following up with an 'ooooo'.
"You DARE make false commentary about MY skills?" Master Asia roared aloud. "To mock my ideals is to mock the School of Master Asia!!" His roar broke down the front row of the audience seats, crushing some people, as well as one psycho-nut Yazan Gable!
"Wow!" Jerid was in awe! "THAT was controlled! AND he killed that fack-nut Yazan!"
"I request... a Satanic funeral..." Yazan gasped before he died under the pile of chairs.
"Oh yeah! We also got our audience from your respective worlds to cheer you on, taunt you, torment you, goad you into defeat, etc." Sonic announced. "Everyone from Domon Kasshu and his fiance Rain Mikamura, to Duo Maxwell and Relena Peacecraft--" His eyes turned to the sound of a readied handgun. "Heero, put the gun down."
"Very well, I will comply with your demand so as to complete this meniality--"
Jerid completely interrupted the brunette emo. "IS KAMILLE UP THERE?!"
"Uh, I don't think so... Oh wait, yes he is."
"KAMILLE BIDAN!!!" The blond lieutenant yelled outloud, only to reel back in terror at a most horrid sight: His hated rival, with Haman Karn cuddling upclose to him, almost smiling at seeing Fa Yuiry cry outloud. "HEY! Why are you with that wench who killed the leader of the Titans that isn't Scirocco?"
"At least I'M getting laid, Jerid Messa!" Kamille harped back, with the pink haired Haman laughing out loud and at the blond Titan.
"Kamille," Fa sobbed. "She's only using you because you're young, strong, and a Newtype!"
"Our psychiatrists said that that's the best we can hope for."
Sonic pinched his temple. "Okay, head pills and Freudian skills aside, people, let's get back to Double Jeopardy! Now let's head to our board to see our categories." And as the point values were being put on the board via the 'boop-be-boop-be-booping', the hedgehog raised an eyebrow. "Odd... I turned that sound effect off."
"Ghosts are illogical." Heero stated.
"Who said anything about ghosts, Mr. Yuy?" After an uncharacteristic 'D'oh' from Mr. Yuy, the host looked at the board on top. "And the topics are: Juice, Potent Potables, Cleaning Products that end in 'ysol', Kitty or Puppy, the letter Z, and Famous Italian Plumbers. Just to remind you all, the answers in THAT category are ALL Mario."
"We are not intellectual rejects, foolish host." Heero said.
"Oh, we'll see... Jerid, since you dug yourself the deepest hole, why don't you go first?"
"Fine! Anything to get my attention off of Kamille..." He shuddered in horror, seeing his hated rival make out with the pink-haired ruler of the Axis. "Ew... they're getting at it... but, uh, I'll take Cleaning Products that end in 'ysol' for 800, Sonic."
"Okay, now here's the clue! Appearing as floor cleaners, dish soaps, and aerosol sprays, this cleaning product brand ends in 'ysol'." A buzz blipped from Heero's podium. "Heero?"
"What is Drysol?"
"No, that is incorrect... And I can see that the madness begins now..." He looked at the other two. "Jerid or Master Asia? ...C'mon, I'm giving you guys some--" The next buzz came from Jerid's spot. "There we go. Jerid?"
"What is Murder the A.E.U.G?"
"...Head not exactly in the clouds, Jeri boy?" Sonic shrugged and looked at Master Asia. "You?"
"The fumes cause nausea, and the aerosol cans detract from our already frail ozone layer. This world truly sickens me! Curse Lysol!"
"Sorry Master Asia, but if you had said that in the form of a question, you would have bested your pupils..." Sonic lamented.
"YOU SUCK, MASTER!" Domon yelled loudly at the stage.
"Domon, compose yourself!" Rain chided her fiance. "You said you wouldn't yell anymore."
"Right..." Domon gathered himself back together, his voice no longer plagued with 'Master Asitis.' "Besides, I've already beaten him once in a grand battle. Now I can just settle myself down with you." Unfortunately, a 'wha-pish' sound from Master Asia re-ignited the flame. "THAT'S IT!! GUNDAM FIGHT AFTER YOU FAIL THIS SHOW, MASTER!!"
"Domon!!"
"RAIN, THIS TIME HE DESERVES IT!!"
"MWAHAHA! Master Asia looks forward to it, Domon Kasshu!"
"Anyway... since you ALL fail... Heero, you pick."
"Mission acknowledged." Heero said rather mechanically. "I will select Kitty or Puppy for 1200."
"Okay then, here's your visual clue." Sonic presses the remote to show a clip of a chubby Welsh Corgi puppy walking around. "Is this a kitty or a puppy?"
Jerid immediately buzzed in. "It's a dog!"
"Sorry Jeri boy, you had to say it as a question!"
"WHAT THE--WHAT IS A--" He ran out of time. "DAMMIT! I still have three more payments on my black Gundam Mark II!"
Yazan started struggling under the pile again. "Y-you still owe me... nine hundred..."
"Oh crap," Sonic sighed. "The nutbag's soul found its way back to his body." He looked at the other two contestants, and not at Haman Karn and Kamille Bidan inexplicably eating Yazan's creepy soul. "Heero or Master Asia?"
Heero buzzed in next. "What is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi?"
"Can you be less specific please?"
The Wing Zero pilot's eyes bugged out. Struggling, he managed to say, "What is a... ... puppy?"
"That is correct, Heero! And that was the best line you've EVER said!"
"I will kill you, hedgehog." Heero interrupted.
"That makes you nearing Master Asia's lead! Pick your next category!"
"Very well. I select the Letter Z for 1200, Sonic."
"Okay, then here's your clue! This is the last letter in the English alphabet." He looked at the three of them, staring in blankness. "C'mon, it's not that hard..." Master Asia soon buzzed in. "Oh thank goodness. Master Asia?"
"What is Zachs?" Master Asia said proudly.
"...No!"
"Imbecile..." Heero quipped, before buzzing in himself. "What is Zechs?"
"...You fail as well, Heero. Worst of all, I don't know whether you're doing this on purpose or not... Jerid?" Sonic looked at the blond lieutenant, disturbed by the unholy sight of Yazan's freaky soul getting slurped by two pairs of lips. "Okaaaayy... the answer was, what is Z? Master Asia, it looks like it's your turn to pick."
Chortling again, Master Asia pointed to the board. "VERY WELL! I will select the School of Master Asia for 2000, hedgehog!"
Sonic looked back at the categories, seeing them all as their original states. "Yeah... if it was up there, then I'd let you pick it."
"Look again, hedgehog! For I... am MASTER ASIA!!"
At the terrifying level of his voice, the Famous Italian Plumbers category soon turned into The School of Master Asia!!
"Whoa! That's so cool!" Came the Bronx-y voice of Duo Maxwell in the audience, sitting beside Relena Peacecraft. "Hey Heero! Why can't YOU do something like that?" The response came in the form of Relena Peacecraft getting shot inbetween the eyes, then dropping down. "HEY! YA MISSED, YA BASTID!"
"Negative! My shot was accurate! But tempt me again and that will be YOUR corpse joining her." Heero stated coldly.
"Yeah, just make sure ya win this time!"
"Anyways... let's see..." Sonic immediately double taked. "The School of Master Asia... for 2000..." The blue hedgehog looked on in confusion. "Whatever... here's the clue: 'Sekiha Tenkyoken' is the final technique that students of this prestigious martial art can learn." He turned to see Master Asia all proud, and Heero and Jerid all confused.
Jerid buzzed in eventually. "What is Tae Kwon Do?"
"Tae Kwo--" Standing up out of his seat, Neo Hong Kong's representative marched over to the blond Titan and punches him hard into the backboard. "Don't even get me STARTED on that low-tier Martial Art!"
"Just so I don't suffer any heavy migraines later, I'm going to allow this..." Sonic sighed, and that became a groan when Heero buzzed in. "Heero Yuy?"
"What is the School of Master Asia?"
The blue hero's eyes widened. "That's correct! And thanks to the secret blue lightning points, that brings your score to... a big fat zero, putting you JUST a little bit above Master Asia."
"Show me what you're made of, Heero!" The Master goaded.
"I will kill you." Heero reciprocated.
"I am in serious pain..." Jerid groaned in defeat.
"And since I'm tired of putting up with you guys, let's just skip on over to Final Jeopardy." And tossing away the cue card immediately, he smiled. "And now, the category is... to draw a picture of me!" As the lights dimmed and the contestants eventually got to their stations, Sonic continued. "Stick figure, polygonal, even Amano-styled drawings will net you the win! Just get to drawing a sketch, or a crude draft, or even tagged graffiti of me!"
And with that, the music ends and the lights come back on! Ignoring Fa's scream of Yazan's corpse being completely stripped clean, the audience settles back down.
"And let's see how many of you actually listened to me." Sonic walked over to Jerid's podium. "Okay, let's see what you drew." On the blue screen came... a lewd position of Haman and Kamille, without clothing or decency. "... WOW. That's VERY impressive, to sketch out a potential H-doujin scene within the timeframe of ten seconds."
"I got a lot of time on my hands..."
"Clearly you do... but that's still incorrect, since I asked you to do ME. Now let's what you wagered... The Gundam Mark II?!" He looked into the Titan's eyes. "You, sir, clearly need a good night's sleep... for a week."
"Every moment I live is agony..." Then two men in white appeared and grabbed Jerid's arms. "Can I go to bed...?"
"Only if you promise not to draw any yaoi h-doujins." Sonic shrugged again and walked past Heero to Master Asia. "And you, Master Asia?"
"Don't bother! I destroyed my podium! With my pinky!" This was proven by the rubble standing under Master Asia's feet.
"Okay, that's just dandy..." He walked right towards the Wing Zero pilot. "Now Mr. Yuy, let's see what you drew out..." The blue screen revealed a poorly drawn oval, with a circle on top of it, and three triangles on its 'back.' "Well... despite your best efforts, Mr. Yuy, you managed to meet the minimum standard of this question!"
"Damn it..." Heero seethed, then smiled genuinely.
"Let's see what you wagered. You wagered... 'Gohegdeh eht Cinos'." His eyes narrowed slightly. "Cute, but that trick only works on Alex Trebek! And lord knows we haven't seen HIM since the 'Great Sean Connery Purge'!"
"I hate you, hedgehog."
"Yeah, don't we all!" Sonic tosses his suit off in sudden disgust. "And that's all for this week's episode! Hell knows if this will EVER see the light of day again! So see you freaks around!" And with a bolt of light, the blue speed demon disappeared in a flash!
The bellowing laugh of Master Asia continued on. "That was fun! Perhaps I will give this hosting a shot! But first, I must battle that idiot Domon, and make myself the godfather of his soon-to-be unborn baby!"
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Maybe we'll see y'all next time!