Eleven Very True Facts Kelly Kapoor Will Never Tell Anyone, Like, Ever, No Matter How Much They Beg and Plead and, Like, Try To Bribe Her With Pretty Stuff In Exchange For Her Deepest, Darkest Secrets.
11. Her first year working at Dunder-Mifflin, her mother made her wear the ugliest clothes ever – all these old-lady shirts with shoulder pads and awkward collars and these long pants that looked like they belonged on Phyllis, not her – and she wore them not only to get her mother off her back, but because her friend Liz told her that being filmed on camera added not only ten pounds, but multiplied sluttiness by six, and if she was going to be on national television she didn't want to look like a whore.
She's kind of glad that Rob, one of the cameramen, let her see an early cut of the show when he took her out for drinks that one time, because if he hadn't she would probably still be dressing like Angela, and nobody wants that.
10. When she's bored at work, she writes Gossip Girl and Harry Potter fanfiction under the name "KellyFierce" that she keeps in a file on her computer marked "Fact, Not Fiction." Ron/Hermione, Draco/Ginny, Dan/Serena, Chuck/Blair, and Chuck/Bass are her favorite pairings to write for, and every time she gets a good review she can't help it – she lets out a little squeal of glee and does a dance in her cubicle.
She thinks that Toby would get annoyed with it, but he seems used to her little outbursts by now and hasn't asked her to stop.
9. She didn't steal the boat because Mark Russell broke her heart – even though he totally did, that jerk. She took it because that was the year that Priya died and everything was just going so wrong at home (Mom wouldn't stop crying and Dad wouldn't leave his office and because she was the oldest now she had to watch all her other sisters) and she just couldn't take it anymore. She knew Mark's dad kept the keys in the boat, and it wasn't exactly rocket science getting it out of the harbor. She's pretty sure that if the marina police hadn't caught her, she could have made it all the way to the other side of the lake and started a whole new life.
Juvie wasn't worth it, but if she had the chance she would totally do it all over again. Driving that boat was fun.
8. Her favorite books, growing up, were this historical fiction series called The Royal Diaries. They weren't exactly what some people would call "historically accurate," but they opened her eyes to worlds outside of Scranton, Pennsylvania, and made her want to travel the world and learn more about all these different cultures.
She still buys all the new ones that come out. They are currently occupying the entire middle shelf of her bookcase and are arranged by the dates the queens and princesses ruled their various countries.
7. Her favorite color is pink. Her favorite song is "In My Life." She sometimes has nightmares about drowning. She writes with her left hand but eats with her right. She only talks like Bridget Jones on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that customers don't get confused if they call back in the same day. She sleeps in t-shirts and cute underwear, just in case there's a fire and she gets rescued by a cute fireman. She can totally kick butt at Mario Kart, but only if she's Princess Peach. She can't sleep if she's on the right side of the bed. She's allergic to bananas.
She misses Ryan sometimes because he knew all of those things, even when he pretended not to. If there's anyone who knows what it's like to get back with someone just because of the familiarity that's already there, it's Kelly Kapoor. She thinks it's why she understood Pam getting back together with Roy more than anybody else did.
6. She actually doesn't like Angelina Jolie all that much. Her kids are possibly the most adorable things in the world, and she loves Brad Pitt soooo much, and she respects that she goes to all these poverty-ridden countries to help poor kids and whatnot, but she just doesn't like her as an actress. Like, at all.
Besides…she's Team Aniston, all the way.
5. Even though she knew about his little "crush" on her, the only reason she kissed Dwight at the office Christmas party a couple years ago because she was drunk, and that's all there is to it.
Although, seeing the face Angela gave her when Dwight walked out of the kitchen with her lipstick smeared on his cheek? That was a nice little bonus.
4. She was totally going to go to Pam's art show. Honest. She even tried to come late, just so Pam wouldn't think that she was lying to her about going in the first place.
But the night of the art show was the night her parents were taking her and her sisters to Priya's grave, and even though she wanted to, she couldn't miss that.
3. The Notebook is possibly her favorite movie, like, of all time. It's the love story she wants for herself: the star-crossed lovers, the kissing in the rain, the two handsome men vying for her affections, true love crossing all bounds… and she can't help but cry whenever she watches it, even though Ryan used to roll his eyes and refuse to get her a box of Kleenex during the sad parts.
It's the absolute perfect story, but even though she loves it she can't help but feel a little sorry for Allie's fiancé. Lon was a good guy, and the only thing he ever did wrong was ask Allie to marry him, and not Noah. She loves the whole Noah-Allie relationship, but it still makes her feel bad that Lon got left out.
2. Every time she breaks up with someone, her parents try to set her up with a "nice, Indian boy" named Samir, who is currently at the University of Pittsburgh studying to be a doctor. He wants to have kids – lots of kids – and her parents can't help but sing his praises every time she comes home for dinner.
She's known Samir since she was six. He thought candy grew on trees until he was fifteen. If she's going to marry anyone – Indian or not – she's going to make sure that she'll find someone with better sense than that.
1. Her name really isn't "Kelly." It's "Kaveri," after a river in Southern India that's close to where her parents grew up. When she was a kid, her teachers couldn't seem to pronounce "Kaveri" and henceforth dubbed her "Kelly" so that they could get her to participate in class.
She probably could have gotten people to stop calling her "Kelly" when she went to high school or college or whatever, but she likes it too much to make them stop.