Author's notes:Birthday-fic for my bro. Takes place between season 2 and 3, on a what-if tangent. The tangent in this case being, what if 790 managed to find a planet with likely organic material that the Lexx could get to, without having to drift through space? And what if that planet, ehm... Well, I think you'd better read it for yourself.
Dee-yuum-de-yum-de-yum!
Chapter 1.
"I am very hungry, Stanley."
The giant insectlike superweapon, the most powerful force of massdestruction in two universes, had said little else these past few days. And it was beginning to annoy its captain...
"Yeah, I know, Lexx. But 790 is looking for a planet where we can find food for you. Hopefully one that isn't too far away that you can't gather the strength to get there." With a bit of afterthought he added. "And hopefully one that is packed with lustful beauties."
"If you by lustful beauties mean females of any species that would be attracted to you," said the robot-head derisively, "I'll see if I can find a planet covered with slugs, whose short supply of males have led them to be desperate enough to even consider you as an alternative. Considering just how desperate they'd have to be, I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you."
As the robot-head smirked triumphiantly, Stan began to stalk off out of the control room, not in the mood to come up with a retort. Not in the mood, and not the faintest retort to come up with that wouldn't come in pathetically late. With Kai currently in the freezer and Zev asleep, the can't-stand-each-other-duo were the only ones awake to keep each other company. But Stan didn't feel quite that desperate to have company, and thought that perhaps a nap was what he needed right now. He had after all been feeling a bit testy and he knew that he didn't usually have this kind of difficulty when it came to come up with retorts during his and 790's bickering.
"Wake up, Stanley."
Damn, was Stanley's first really awake thought. It had just been a dream that he returned to the control room to deliver the perfect retort to 790, which caused the robot-head's circuits to overflow and then explode into a million pieces. But it wasn't too late yet, he still remembered the retort his dream came up with and it was the perfect retort even outside of the dream.
"I am not going to say this one more time, so wake up Stanley!"
"Alright, alright, I'm up." Opening his eyes he looked up into the, as always, stunningly beautiful face of Zev.
"790 says he's discovered a planet within range for the Lexx, that might have organic material. Just figured that the captain might want to know."
"Okay then, lets go!" Stan jumped out of his usual sleeping place while saying this, and at once started on his way to the control room.
Zev blinked in surprise. Since when was Stan this eager to get up? When she entered the control room herself, Stan was already talking with the robot head."
"Remember what you said before, 790? About how desperate slugs would have to be to consider me an alternative? Well how about considering just how desperate Zev would have to be, I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you."
"You still haven't cycled that matter out of your circuits?" The robot-head made an artificial snorting sound. "You do need a hobby. Or be put out of your misery."
Zev pinched the bridge of her nose, and wondered if it were even possible for her to have friends that could be more pathetic than this. She walked up between them, stretching out her hands to ward off anymore bickering to come.
"So, what was that you were saying about a planet, 790?"
The robot head's visual screens sviveled its artificial pupils towards her.
"Yes, my darling Zev of such great beauty there aren't words to describe it!"
"Then don't," interjected Stan, maintaining his tired expression so he wouldn't be tempted to grin. "Just tell us about this planet, would you?"
The robot head's pupils sviweled back to Stan.
"The planet I discovered," he started in his down to business voice, "is a medium-sized rock planet. It has perfect conditions for organic life as we know it, and from what could be detected with the Lexx's sensors at this distance still, there are definate high levels of methan in the atmosphere."
"Great," Stan said with usual lackluster. "A planet with farting lifeforms."
"Perfect, you will feel right at home."
"How long will it take for us to get there?" Zev asked.
"Lexx?" asked Stan.
"Yes, captain?"
"How long will it take us to get to the planet that 790 discovered?"
"The small planet which might contain food for me is only 7 hours away, so it is not too far for me to reach. And Stanley? I am very hungry."
The captain nodded, to the yet again repeated line.
"Then think no further of it, and set full speed towards that planet!"
7 hours later...
The Lexx was now orbiting around a small planet which, from the viewscreens only, seemed to be very...
"...yellow..."
"So, we are learning the colors now? How good for you."
Stan ignored the bucket of scrap iron, because his reaction did say it all about the planet they were looking at. There was no appearant trace of any kind of other color, and the tones of yellow were all sickly chemical in a way.
"Wow," said Zev. "Has anyone of us seen such a yellow planet before?" She looked over at Kai, the one of them that had been to most planets, albeit not of his own will.
"Not to my recollection," he replied in his usual monotone voice. "Not even in His Shadow's memories can I think of a planet with such conditions." He thought quitely for a brief moment, looking intently at the viewscreen. "You said that there were high levels of methan in the atmosphere, could the coloring of the planet be caused by a poisonous gas?"
"While the levels are high enough to be noticable even from great distance scanning, they not even remotely high enough to be lethal. There are rare traces of sulphur, but neither that or anything I'm scanning in the atmosphere could combine to break and reflect the light in such a way. If the color is indicative of something, it would have to be the vegetative and mineral composition of the planet. That's "plants" and "dirt" to you, security guard class four."
Stanley made his usual "you don't have to insult my intelligence that much"-face and replied.
"I don't need you to explain simple words to me."
"Suuure you don't."
Zev walked up and picked up 790, and started walking to the moth hangar.
"We better get going, we're just wasting time this way, no?" adding the last no to the robot head in her arms. "We need to investigate this planet."
As the moth entered the atmosphere, the passengers could see the vast yellow landscape stretch out beneath them. It was the most peculiar looking landscape, with yellow grassfields being punctuated by either sponge-looking trees or very large fungi.
"Wow, all the vegetation really is yellow," remarked Stan.
"Look," said Zev and pointed. "There's a field where we can land." She turned the moth towards it, and brought it down gently. As they disembarked, they noticed that they weren't alone. A creature standing barely tall enough to be at eye-level with Stan's chest, made for the first non-yellow thing to be seen of the planet. He was shockingly snot green, with two little white horns protruding from his enormous flat skull. Judging from his feet and trunk were like those of an elefant, but his hands were five-fingered like a human's, and his very wide appearance made him look even shorter than he was. Taking them all by surprise, the creature suddenly spoke.
"Welcome to Cheese Flip planet," said the strange creature.
"Why thank you," said Zev politely, yet hesitantly.
"Yes," said the creature, perplexing the crew of the Lexx. "Do you like nachos?"
"Nachos?" Stan wrinkled his nose at the strange question. When was the last time they had been to a planet that made at least some remote sense? "Well, about as much as the next guy, I guess. How about you, Zev? Kai?"
Kai simply gave Stan a peculiar look, and replied monotously: "Since I do not eat, I do not know if I would like nachos."
"What are nachos?" Zev suspected that it was one of the different types of food that simply had not been allowed for wives in training.
"They're as good as frozen yoghurt, yes," answered the strange creature.
"O-oka-ay," replied Zev hesitantly.
An awkward silence took shape between the new arrivals and the local. Which tested and failed Stan's patience, not a difficult thing to do, mind you.
"Look," he said, taking a step forward physically to emphasise his doing so metaphorically. "We've come a long way, and we were wondering if you have some food around here. Do you?"
"Yes! But our nachos and frozen yoghurt are not for strangers!" said the creature, sounding as if he was supposed to say it menacingly, but just didn't know how to.
"Well, we're no strangers," said Stan, raising his hands in a placating manner. "See, this is Kai, who can be a bit dour but is a nice guy overall. And this is Zev, a nice enough woman who can be a bit ... difficult at times, but is otherwise allright."
"Speak for yourself," injected Zev with a knowing look towards the captain.
"Well, at any rate," continued Stan a bit distracted, "this robot head here is 790, and my name is Stanley Tweedle."
"My name is Fred Fredburger, yes," said the strange creature, Fred Fredburger. "And I can spell it too. Eff. Aarrrr. Eee. Dee."
"Well, that's nice," said Stan.
"Eff. Aarrr. Eee. Dee. Bee."
"That's alright, we get the picture." Stan was again starting to lose his patience.
"Yuu. Aarrr. G-g-g-g. Eee. Aarrr! Fred Fredburger, yes!"
The captain of the Lexx hardly heard what Fred was saying, as he was busy holding his hand to his forhead while counting to ten under his breath.
"So you see," he said as he realised that the annoying creature had stopped talking. "We're not strangers, we know each other now."
The creature looked like he was thinking hard, or perhaps it was hardly thinking at all that he was doing. Finally it brightened up and said yes. Stan smiled broadly.
"So you will let us get some food then?"
Fred Fredburger pondered on it silently for a while more. Then he seemed to forget what he was supposed to be thinking of, and started to look panicked. He was looking from side to side while holding his hands over his groin.
"I have to go! I have to go real bad!"
"Why do you have to go?" asked Zev, wondering what could put the local in such a panic.
"I have to go to the bathroom! Real bad!"
"So why don't you?" Zev pronounced slowly as she gave him a perplexed look.
"Okay," he said, suddenly completely calm and fine with things, and started to adjust something around his groin. At which the robot head screamed, the loveslave looked pointedly away, the assasin did nothing except to keep his guard in case the creature was fiddling with some sort of hidden weapon and the captain became both embarrassed and flustered.
"Not here, you idiot!" he cried out. "Go behind some bushes or something. Geez!"
The creature stalked off to some bushes, and started to lougly relieve himself while singing "faa-laa-la-laaaaaaaaaaaa" loudly. Stan looked over his shoulder back towards the moth, sighing wistfully.
"Guys, can't we just return to the Lexx and see if we can find another planet?"
"There is no other planet, you imbecile," the robot head replied. "Not at least anywhere near where the Lexx can get us too, even if we were to use moths for the last stretch. And feeding our only mode of transportation should be higher prioritised than making things easier for yourself. If you now want to act as the captain you call yourself, that is."
Stan sneered at him and was just about to retort, when Fred Fredburger reappeared while flailing his arms around.
"A snaaake! It's a snake!"