Disclaimer: Depressingly, I own nothing associated with Harry Potter. If I did, I would not be writing this crappy "story." I would be sailing around the world in a well-stocked cruise liner using hundred-dollar bills as toilet paper.
Author's Note: This is a help column in WITCH WEEKLY called Dear Rita Skeeter. It is where HP-crazed people write in for Rita to help them out.
Note from Rita Skeeter: This WITCH WEEKLY column is for you to write for help, should you need it, regarding Harry Potter and all things related. Whether you're obsessed with him, cursed by the books, or hate him, you should write me. I AM A PROFESSIONAL. I CAN HELP YOU.
Dear Rita Skeeter:
Before we start the HP-obsessors' letters, I'd like to ask you something....how did you get kicked out of writing those fab news reports? If you ask me, this is a job for some crackpot old witch who has too much time on her hands.
Signed,
Wouldn't-You-Like-To-Know?
Dear Wouldn't-You-Like-To-Know:
Before I begin, I would like to say shut the hell up. A stupid little girl called Hermione ruined my writing career by letting everyone know I was turning into a beetle and eavesdropping to get stories. I am now an irritable grouch. Hope that satisfies your curiosity.
Sincerely Yours,
Rita
Dear Rita:
I need desperate help. I can't stop reading the Harry Potter books! I carry the whole set with me everywhere.. Can you get off my uncontrollable urge to read these books?
Signed,
Girl Who Carries HP Into The Bathroom
Dear Girl Who Carries HP Blah Blah:
Let me just say that…you have issues! Believe me, honey, there's nothing special about the friggen' books! I've MET Harry Potter, and believe me, he is nothing to obsess over. He is a messy-haired, green-eyed, good-for-nothing "celebrity" who thinks we should lick his ass merely because he won the goddamn Triwizard Tournament. Please, get over him. Better yet, move onto another crush. Have you opened Seventeen Magazine lately? I hear that Prince William and that Ashton Kutcher are all the rage now!
Sincerely Yours,
Rita
Dear Rita:
My name is Ginny Weas- I mean, Ginny, um…Ginny, uh, HARRY! That's it! I am by NO MEANS Ginny Weasley! Yeah, my name is Ginny Harry and I have a problem. I can't stop thinking about Harry Potter. I love him! I cherish the ground he walks on! I lick the mud tracks from his shoes! I carry an empty glass jar around with me everywhere I go, so that I may capture and save the air he has breathed! I turned my closet into a Harry Potter shrine. My friend Colin lent me his camera, and I put pictures of my beloved on all the walls. I pick up and keep every little thing he even touches, right down to his underwear. I am cursed with Harry-Infatuation! What should I do??!
Signed,
Ginny Harry
Dear Ginny:
You got a hold of his underwear? How exactly did you manage that? Can you possibly get me some? Write to me again; this sounds like a surefire way to make thousands on e-Bay!
Sincerely Yours,
Rita
Dear Rita:
You've been turning into a beetle and spying on people?!
Signed,
Angry Fan
Dear Angry Fan:
Yes, I have!!
Sincerely Yours,
Rita
Dear Rita:
I hate Harry Potter. He is the anguish of my soul, the murderer of my happiness. He has killed everything that used to make my life worth living. I used to be a happy, care-free Hogwarts teacher. Ever since that little brat came to the school, I have been completely preoccupied with making his life a living hell, right down to giving him detention for stuff like talking. Help me.
Signed,
S.S.
Dear S.S.:
I hate him too, but nobody likes a teacher who gives detention for talking. I suggest you raise the bar a little; perhaps start issuing detentions for things like eating, or breathing, or living in general.
Sincerely Yours,
Rita