A/N: Yeah, yeah. I know I have another story to update, but my muse demanded that I write this for now. Takes place around, let's say 4.13. Lorelai and Luke lay in their own beds, each thinking of the other. Hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: This is, what, my 8th story? You must be pretty dumb if you still think I own Gilmore Girls. No offense of course...
Matters Of The Heart
She lies in her bed. She is alone. She knows that he isn't. Thoughts of him with another woman plague her mind. She imagines him kissing her, holding her. An inexplicable pang of sadness tugs on her heart. She doesn't understand herself. She never dated him, yet feels sick thinking of him in a relationship. It's selfish and she knows it. She is awful and she knows it. Those feelings remain though. She cannot will them away; she knows it.
He lies in her bed. Really it is supposed to be their bed. He knows that it is her's though. He feels guilty as thoughts of another woman employ his still active mind. He doesn't understand himself. Here he is, married, but hoplessly in love with someone else. He gives himself over to the images of her that flow through his mind. He can see her hair; soft waves of gold and chocolate. He aches to feel them between his fingers. Beautiful sapphires where anyone else has eyes. He has seen them sparkle with happiness, brim with tears, and blaze with anger. If he could, he would find a way to keep her happy all her life. Just so he could see that happiness reflected in her eyes.
She feels his presence all around her. For as long as she lives, he will be in her thoughts. Day in, day out he is there. Sometimes she longs to rid of him, sometimes he comforts her. It is unbearable to think that he is always there for someone else. They are his top priority, She has a boyfriend who is meant to be this for her; he isn't. Her daughter has her own life and can't be a life support 24/7. She sniffs and she knows that she is alone.
He watches his wife stir in her sleep and feels a fresh wave of guilt overtakes him. Why can't he just erase his mind of thoughts of the other woman in his life? Why must she haunt him day and night? He has pined for her for so long that it is second nature. He simply can't help himself. After all, habits can't be broken overnight. That his been his excuse for too long though. It's not like anyone would accept it either. He was stupid enough to marry someone he didn't love in the first place. The least he could do is suck it up and stop thinking about someone else. But he can't even do that much.
He is in her dreams. She longs to touch him, but she doesn't know why. During the day she chalks it up to jealousy that Luke doesn't focus all his attention on her, but at night she knows better. She knows how those images of him with his wife haunt her. She never would have thought that he would get married. With all his talk about how horrible it is, who knew that he would one day subject himself to that fate? She wishes she was happy for him. She wishes she wasn't so selfish. She wishes that he was her's. That she had any amount of courage in her. Maybe she can put on that facade of bravery, but it is only a facade. A covering of the coward that lies underneath.
He recalls with no fondness the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach when she stopped in front of the diner that one day. There was a man in the car with her. He must be her boyfriend. He just knows it. He realizes that there is no reason for him to be jealous of that boyfriend. After all, he is the one who got married. Sometimes he wonders what compelled him to do that. It would be nice if he did it out of love, but that isn't the case. He does not love his wife. How pathetic. He doesn't know much about marriage, but he does know that you are supposed to love your partner. At least that's what the vows tell you. He wishes that he had asked the woman he truly loves on a date. He wishes that he hadn't chickened out that one time he got up the courage. He wishes that she would see him as more than a coffee supplier. That isn't the case though. It never will be.
Neither realizes that their feelings about each other are mutual. Neither knows that the other is thinking about them. So they remain silent sufferers. They are under the unescapable curse of loving one who isn't your partner. Their night time thoughts are what they must hold on to. For now, they can't have any more than that. There is one thing that they both know though. Love, fantasies, and desires are personal things. They cannot share those with anyone else. They are matters of the heart and must remain only that.