The Young Ones – Australia

by Hippie Mermaid

The boys win a holiday to the Gold Coast, Australia on a scratchie! What adventures are waiting to meet them in the land downunder? Maybe Rick gets an Aussie girlfriend, maybe the boys finally lose their virginity or maybe you should just read it...

The Young Ones – Australia

By Hippie Mermaid

Fandom: The Young Ones

Genre: Humour/Romance

Rating: T (sexual references, (including one particularly disturbing scene) violence, low level coarse language)

Summary: The boys win a holiday to the Gold Coast, Australia on a scratchie! What adventures are waiting to meet them in the land downunder? Maybe Rick gets an Aussie girlfriend, maybe the boys finally lose their virginity or maybe you should just read it...

Disclaimer: I don't own The Young Ones or any of its characters (oh yeah, that's right! Bugger!) – they belong the wonderful Rik Mayall, Ben Elton, Lise Mayer and probably some other people/corporations. I don't own The Young Ones theme song or "Need You Tonight" by INXS. However, I do own Samantha, this story and the poems that feature in this story (not that anyone would want to steal them) – yay! No profit has been gained from this work and I know this could never compare with the original show's level of greatness.

This was my very first TYO fanfic. It's written like a normal episode. My inspiration for this came when I was at the Gold Coast, January in 2004 and I began writing it in my exercise book, then I wrote the rest when I came back home. I imagined what it would be like if they were there and this is what I came up with. I hope it's okay.

Opening song

Once in every lifetime

Comes a love like this

Oh, I need you

You need me

Oh my darling

Can't you see?

The Young Ones

Darling, we're The Young Ones

The Young Ones

Shouldn't be afraid

To live,

Love,

There's a song to be sung

Cause we may not be The Young Ones

Very long

Scene 1

The show starts with all four of them sitting round the table, looking bored. NEIL is scratching on a scratch card.

RICK: I mean really, Neil, I don't know why you bother doing that. As if you're ever gonna win anything. Stupid hippie.

NEIL: That's not true, Rick. The odds of me winning are just the same as anyone else.

Silence

NEIL: Hold on a second… Wait, it couldn't be. Could I? Looks closer at the scratch card. Oh my God. I won. Wow, I won! Guys, I won! I won! I actually really won! This is the most incredible thing the ever happened to me!

NEIL is jumping up and down.

MIKE: Sit down, Neil.

MIKE: Oh, right.

NEIL sits down sadly.

RICK: Let me see that!

RICK snatches the scratch card out of NEIL's hands.

RICK: You didn't win, you idiot!

MIKE: Hang on a minute, let me see that. I'll be the one to judge whether he won or not.

RICK hands the scratch card to MIKE.

MIKE: Actually, it looks as if he did win.

Everyone gathers round excitedly.

VYVYAN: What he win?

MIKE: A trip to the Gold Coast in Queensland, Australia. Guys, it looks as though we're going to Australia!

RICK: Eww! Australia! Who'd wanna go there?

NEIL: Actually Rick, Australia's a very beautiful country. One of my cousins is Australian.

RICK: There you go again, disagreeing with me! God, you just can't help yourself, can you? You're always doing it just to spite me!

NEIL: That's not true, Rick.

RICK: See! See! You're doing it now!

MIKE: Look guys, guys. I think you'll agree that no matter where we're going, a holiday is a holiday. And we haven't had one for so long.

RICK: You're right about that.

Sighs all round.

Scene 2

The aeroplane is taking off.

VYVYAN's voice: Wow, that was quick!

RICK's voice: Well actually, Vyvyan, the writer was too lazy to say what happened in between, so we just skipped straight to this scene.

VYVYAN's voice: Oh.

Scene 3

RICK is vomiting into a paper bag on the plane.

RICK: I hate aeroplanes!

VYVYAN grabs the bag and puts it upside down over RICK's head

Scene 4

The boys are leaving the airport. NEIL is few metres behind the rest of the group as he is carrying all the luggage without any help. He is struggling to keep up with them.

NEIL: Hey guys, wait up!

The rest keep going, while VYVYAN stops, turns and goes up to NEIL. NEIL smiles because it looks like VYVYAN's going help him, but instead he puts RICK's vomit bag over NEIL's head and runs ahead.

Scene 5

They arrive at the hotel. RICK and NEIL have big disgusting chunks of vomit through their hair.

RICK: Really Vyvyan, you are disgusting!

VYVYAN is still carrying RICK's vomit bag.

VYVYAN: Well, don't blame me! You're the one who decided to vomit into a paper bag!

RICK: Well it's not my fault! You know I get sick on aeroplanes!

They walk into the bedroom.

RICK: Great! There's only one bed! Typical Australians!

MIKE: This is all we could afford, Rick.

NEIL: Oh no, guys! You know what this means, don't you? We're all gonna have to sleep in the same bed!

Dramatic silence. The rest of the group look at him strangely.

NEIL: Or not. It's okay, I'll just sleep on the floor.

RICK: Well, the question now is, who gets to have the bed?

MIKE, RICK and VYVYAN all stare at each other smiling for a while, then suddenly leap for the bed, fighting each other.

NEIL: Hey guys, guys, why don't we, like, take turns sleeping in the bed?

MIKE and VYVYAN and RICK: NO WAY!

RICK: You're sick, Neil! Just imagine what kind of diseases we'd catch off each other if we did that! Especially if you're sleeping in it, Neil! Eww!

MIKE: Rick is right! It's far too risky!

NEIL: sadly It was just an idea.

MIKE: Well I think the bed rightfully should be mine. Think about it, what am I gonna do when I bring home the girls? Say, "Sorry, sweetheart, I haven't got a bed, but we can spend the night on the floor."

RICK and VYVYAN: Good point, yeah.

RICK and VYVYAN get off the bed. MIKE jumps on the bed and lies back contently.

Pause

RICK: Oh God, it's so bloody hot here! I hate it!

VYVYAN, RICK and NEIL are all completely red and are drenched in sweat.

NEIL: panting Well, it is summer here at the moment. And the climate in Australia is very different to home - it's very hot and dry.

MIKE: You know what we should do? We should all go down to the beach!

VYVYAN and NEIL and RICK: Yeah!

Scene 6

The boys are at the beach. RICK is wearing g-string swimmer briefs, MIKE is wearing full swimmer briefs, and VYVYAN and NEIL are just wearing their normal clothes. MIKE is trying to chat up a girl in a skimpy bikini. NEIL is lying down while RICK and VYVYAN bury him beneath the sand. Eventually only his head remains above the earth. MIKE then returns back to the group after he is unsuccessful in getting the girl's attention. A beautiful lifeguard girl then approaches them. MIKE, VYVYAN and RICK immediately run off.

NEIL: Hey guys, guys. I can't move. Can you help me out?

MIKE and RICK lye down in the surf, close their eyes and flap around like fish, so she'll think they are drowning.

Lifeguard Girl: to VYVYAN Are your friends okay?

VYVYAN: They're fine. They're just pretending because they fancy you.

Lifeguard girl walks away.

RICK: Vyvyan, you bastard! She could have given us mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!

VYVYAN: Well, if she did, that'll probably be the closest you'd ever get to doing it, virgin! Mind you, I think she'd rather let an ugly bastard like you die!

RICK: Ah, you're just jealous, Vyvyan, because all the girlies just LOVE me, and you want a piece of the action! Does a thrusting motion with his crotch.

VYVYAN: What 'girlies', Rick? Who are these 'girlies' that you're always on about?

RICK: Uh… You know, there's hundreds of them… In fact, so many, I can't name them all right now…

VYVYAN:Virgin.

Meanwhile, NEIL's entire body is still buried beneath the sand. His head is still sticking out of the sand as he pathetically sings The Partridge Family theme to himself. A seagull flutters near him.

NEIL: Hey Mr. Seagull, I don't mean to bother you, but can you please help me out?

The Seagull flutters away.

NEIL: Never mind.

Three little kids, around the age of 5, approach him.

NEIL: Hey little kiddies, can you please help me out?

One of the little kids: Let's pick on the hippie!

The little kids begin pulling his hair and kicking sand in his face.

NEIL: Oh no, heavy! I'm being attacked by a vicious gang of 5-year-olds!

Camera turns back to VYVYAN, MIKE and RICK.

MIKE: Glancing in NEIL's direction Oh look, Neil's found some friends to play with.

You can hear NEIL's horrified screams coming from that direction.

NEIL: No, not in the eyes!

MIKE: So, guys, who's interested in a bit of surfing?

RICK: Ooh! Me!

Scene 7

MIKE then is running forward with a surfboard tuck under his arm in slow motion, with surf music playing. This is followed by RICK doing the same thing. They dive into the surf and paddle out far to where all the people surf. MIKE begins surfing like a pro while RICK attempts surfing but falls off and drowns in a wave. He is rescued by a male lifeguard and pulled up to the shore, unconscious. The male lifeguard performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him. RICK suddenly wakes up, screams and pushes the male lifeguard off him. He coughs and splutters.

RICK: Yuck! Yuck! …Oh God, where am I?

MIKE: You're in Australia

RICK: Ooh, am I? How did I end up here?

MIKE: It's a long story. But first, let's get you to the hotel.

Scene 8

All the boys back at the hotel; RICK is completely blue and shivering with a blanket wrapped around him.

RICK: So c-c-cold…

VYVYAN: Well at least you're not dying of the heat anymore.

RICK: It's not fair! Why did the have to be the male lifeguard that gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Why couldn't it be that foxy little female lifeguard?

NEIL: Hey, I was just thinking…

RICK: Well there's a first time for everything.

NEIL: No, I was just thinking…

RICK: Well there's a first time for everything!

NEIL: Shut up, Rick! I'm trying to talk!

RICK is very surprised and taken aback

RICK: sheepishly Okay.

NEIL: Hey Rick, you know what this all means, don't you? It means you'll have to stay home sick and miss the entire holiday. What a shame…

Silence

NEIL: Anyway, we're going out. So, bye Rick!

RICK: You mean you're leaving me here, by myself?

MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL begin to walk towards the door.

RICK: I can't believe it! You bastards! You complete and utter bastards! Think about all the things I've done for you over the past years!

Moment of thought

VYVYAN: Can't think of anything… Anyway, see ya!

NEIL: Bye Rick!

MIKE: Bye! Have fun!

They walk out the door, closing it behind them.

RICK: The selfish bastards!

Scene 9

MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL are walking down the street.

VYVYAN: So, where are we going anyway?

MIKE: Just to any nightclub we can find.

NEIL: Oh, good plan.

MIKE: Look, there's one!

They walk into a nightclub called 'The Drunken Sailor' (weird name, I know!). 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee Jees is playing (yay!). There's a multi-coloured chequered dance floor (I love those!) and on the other side of the room is a bar. The room is completely dark with flashing disco lights everywhere.

NEIL: Woah, man.

They walk over to the bar.

MIKE: Hey, Dave!

A big fat guy on a barstool turns round.

DAVE: Hey Mike! How ya doin'? Long time, no see!

MIKE: Aussie accent for some strange reason Good ta see ya, mate!

MIKE, VYVAN and NEIL sit down on barstools.

DAVE: to bar man 2 shots of vodka for my friend Mike and I.

VYVYAN: I'll have a shot.

NEIL: Yeah, me too.

Meanwhile, three girls are observing MIKE, NEIL and VYVYAN from afar and chatting excitedly.

STACEY: Oh my God! They must be Brits!

KATE: Check out those gorgeous British accents!

JANE: What a bunch of cuties!

The camera turns to MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL at the barstool. MIKE is looking at himself in his pocket mirror and practicing 'sexy' looks (but failing miserably) and muttering "Hey, baby" while VYVYAN downs his vodka, then burps and scratches his behind and NEIL waves away some flies that are buzzing around his head, then sniffs his sweatshirt and faints from the stench, falling off the barstool.

STACEY: That's it! I'm chatting the hippie up!

JANE: I'll have the punk.

KATE: I'll have the short, stylish one.

STACEY: Okay, deal. Let's go!

STACEY sits down on the barstool next to NEIL.

STACEY: Hi.

NEIL: Uh, hi.

STACEY: Wanna dance?

NEIL: shocked that a girl is actually asking him to dance Oh, yeah, sure!

KATE and JANE approach MIKE and VYVYAN. KATE stands before MIKE and JANE stands before VYVYAN.

KATE and JANE: Hi! Wanna dance?

MIKE: taking KATE's arm Sweetie, it would be my pleasure. Let Mikey show you his moves!

MIKE leads KATE to the dance floor.

JANE: to VYVYAN Well?

VYVYAN: Yeah, c'mon.

VYVYAN and JANE walk towards the dance floor.

Scene 10

RICK is sitting at the hotel, looking really pathetic.

RICK: Well at least I can catch up on some reading while they're not around.

He pulls out a Cosmopolitan and a big, pervy smile spreads across his face.

Scene 11

Back at the nightclub. The background music has come to a stop as a man is talking into a microphone atop a stage.

Man on stage: Tonight, kids, we have a very special treat for you. Please put your hands together for INXS!

INXS appear on stage (yes, including the late, legendary Michael Hutchence. This is set in the eighties, remember?) and play "Need You Tonight". NEIL, MIKE and VYVYAN continue dancing with their partners while the music is playing. (This is the musical segment for the episode!)

Come over here

All you got is this moment

The 21st Century's yesterday

You can care all you want

Everybody does yeah that's okay

So slide over here

And give me a moment

You moves are so raw

I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight cause I'm not sleeping

There's something about you girl

That makes me sweat

How do you feel

I'm lonely

What do you think

Can't think at all

Whatcha gonna do

Gonna live my life

So slide over here

And give me a moment

You moves are so raw

I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

Cause I'm not sleeping

There's something about you girl

That makes me sweat

How do you feel

I'm lonely

What do you think

Can't think at all

Whatcha gonna do

Gonna live my life

How do you feel

I'm lonely

What do you think

Can't think at all

Whatcha gonna do babe

Gonna live my life

So slide over here

And give me a moment

You moves are so raw

I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

So slide over here

And give me a moment

I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

NEIL: So what's your name?

STACEY: Stacey. (I know, I know! It's the first name I could think of!) What's yours?

NEIL: Neil.

STACEY: Neil… That's beautiful, man. It reminds of all the suffering that animals and plants endure.

Camera turns to VYVYAN and JANE.

JANE: So Vyvyan, you won a trip to Australia with a scratch card?

VYVYAN: Yeah. How's that for a piece of luck?

Camera turns to MIKE and KATE.

MIKE: Kate baby, where would I be without you? The night is radiant and so are you. We are star-crossed lovers, you and I. Destiny brought me here by winning that scratch card so we could be together… So, when are we gonna have it off?

Camera turns to NEIL and STACEY.

STACEY: So do you wanna, like, leave?

NEIL: Oh, um, okay.

Scene 12

The Morning. RICK is asleep on the couch at the hotel room, cuddling a Cosmopolitan. Suddenly, MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL burst in laughing and cheering, arms waving and balloons flying in the air.

MIKE: Here's to us boys!

MIKE opens a bottle of champagne and pours a glass for VYVYAN, NEIL and himself. VYVYAN, NEIL and MIKE each raise their glasses and clink them together. RICK wakes up, rubbing his eyes.

RICK: What in the bloody hell is going on?

Most of them ignore RICK.

NEIL: You should have seen it, Rick! A girl actually asked me to dance! A real, actual girl! She wasn't bad looking, either. It was amazing!

RICK: sarcastically of course Well good for you! Just bloody fantastic!

NEIL: And what about what happened next? Woah…

NEIL remembers back to the night when they left the nightclub. Things become all fuzzy…

Scene 13

STACEY is unlocking the door to her apartment. She and NEIL walk inside, kissing and stuff. They lean against the wall beside the door to her bedroom. (OK! OK! I know this is really, really super gross and that you're probably all cringing like hell, because, well, it's Neil! Anyway, I felt the need to pause this story in order to officially apologise to all readers for this scene. But as horrible as this part is, it's relevant to the story. I'm not just writing gross parts like this for enjoyment. Now that would be really bad! Besides, nothing much happens in this scene anyway, as you'll find out later on. So don't worry, it's not gonna be this really full-on thing or anything. Hmmm… I better continue this scene…). She gently pushes NEIL away and holds him at an arms length.

STACEY: Wait. Stay here. I'll be but a moment, my love.

She opens to door to her bedroom and disappears inside, closing the door. When she's gone, NEIL jumps up and down with a big grin on his face. He then does a little victory dance. Not long afterwards, STACEY emerges from the bedroom wearing sexy lingerie. She leads him inside. She and NEIL lie down on the bed and start kissing and making out basically, I don't want go into much detail… Anyway, things are getting a bit hot and heavy, and Stacey starts trying to take NEIL's sweatshirt off. (Aahh! Bad images!) NEIL stops her.

NEIL: Wait, I'll be back in a minute.

NEIL goes into her ensuite and closes the door. Inside the ensuite, he is panting heavily and holding his heart. He looks really freaked out.

NEIL: Oh no, this is all so sudden. Everything is happening too fast. What would my mother say? Gasps …I can't do this.

He climbs out the bathroom window and escapes. Things become all fuzzy once more...

Scene 14

Returns to present time, NEIL is remembering with a big smile on his face.

NEIL: Yeah…

RICK: Well Neil, the idea of you getting up to any mischief with a girl is quite unbelievable, let alone completely repulsive! Either you're making this up or the people down here are seriously koo-koo!

NEIL: No Rick, just drunk.

RICK: Yeah, BLIND drunk by the sounds of it! Snorts at his own joke How this entire thing started anyway is anyone's guess…

NEIL: Well, she just came up to and asked me to dance and I said, "Okay."

RICK: Bastard!

NEIL: So, Mike, Vyv, did you, you know, too, last night?

MIKE: Puts his arm around NEIL's shoulders Neil, my dear friend, you must understand that when a girl meets me, it's natural. They're only human and they're following their instincts.

NEIL: How about you, Vyv?

VYVYAN: Oh, yeah, sure.

NEIL: Hey, come to think of it, Rick, you must be pretty jealous…

RICK: Me, jealous? Ha! I know you're just saying it to try and impress me. I won't fall for your lies and schemes. Besides, I've done it all before, it's nothing new to me.

The rest of them exchange disbelieving looks.

MIKE: Oh yeah, I forget to tell you, Rick. We're going out, again.

MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL all walk towards the door and open it.

RICK: You're going out again? Already? You bastards! I can't believe how you're rejecting me! Well, your true colours are really shinning through and I never thought you could be so cruel! Some friends you are!

MIKE: Firstly Rick, we're not your friends…

Suddenly VYVYAN shuts the door in front of him and turns around. He approaches RICK.

VYVYAN: smiles pleasantly C'mon, Rick. What kind of friends would we be if we left you here in your state of sickness, while we ran around and had fun?

RICK: Well… grins bashfully, flattered.

VYVYAN: Lousy ones! That's why we're leaving! Goodbye Rick!

VYVYAN, MIKE and NEIL walk out the door, closing it behind them.

RICK: Bastards!

Scene 14

VYVYAN, MIKE and NEIL are standing at a ticket outlet for an amusement park. Behind the ticket outlet is a common middle-aged woman chewing gum.

Lady behind the ticket outlet: 80 dollars, please.

MIKE: Hey… glances at her name tag Kimberly. Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most beautiful smile? One smile and you just light up the world, baby.

Camera zooms in on lady behind the ticket outlet. She has a sour look on her face as she chews her gum.

MIKE: Hey, here's 10 cents lays down 10 c and let's see what we can work out, if you know what I mean. Winks You know what I'm saying, baby. Let us pass through and Mike promises he'll show you a good time.

MIKE begins to walk towards confidently. The lady grabs his arm.

Lady behind the ticket outlet: Don't piss about with me, boy! Just hand over the 80 dollars!

MIKE: hesitates for a moment RUN!

MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL all run off into the amusement park, leaping over various objects.

Lady behind the ticket outlet: Hey, come back here!

Scene 15

MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL are wandering around the amusement park.

VYVYAN: pointing Oh, wow! Look at the size of that…

NEIL: Sshh! Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: I'm talking about a rollercoaster, Neil.

NEIL: Oh, that's alright then.

MIKE: Wow, that looks like a pretty sweet rollercoaster!

NEIL: Yeah, but look at the line. It'll be hours and hours we get to the front.

Pause

MIKE: Guys, I've got a plan! Neil, you mind our spot and we'll go off and have fun until you get to the front of the line.

NEIL: Oh, floppy discs.

Scene 16

Meanwhile, RICK is still lying on the couch at the hotel. He looks frustrated and bored.

RICK: I can't take this anymore! This is so boring! I've read my Cosmo from cover to cover 15 times! Well, that's it. I don't care how sick I feel. I'm going out!

He stands up and walks over to the door.

Scene 17

RICK is walking aimlessly along the street, still wearing his pyjamas. After a while, he finds a beach and walks over to it.

RICK: walks out onto the sand Well, maybe at the beach I'll find I can have a good time and perhaps pick up a few birds as well snorts.

A girl walks past him. She is completely naked.

RICK: wide-eyed and in shock Woah!

A totally naked bloke then walks past him. RICK doesn't look very impressed. As RICK looks around, he suddenly realises he has stumbled into a nude beach. JERZI BALLOWSKI then approaches him. He is also completely naked.

JERZI BALLOWSKI: Hello, young lad. So you like nude beaches too, eh? I come here once a year to get a nice, even tan.

RICK is in too much shock to respond.

JERZI BALLOWSKI: So are you enjoying your holiday?

RICK runs away, screaming. He runs across the road and very nearly gets run over, but an attractive young girl (SAMANTHA) jumps in just in time and rolls him to safety. She is dressed in a similar fashion to Rick normally – the political activist look.

SAMANTHA: Wow, are you okay? You should try to be more careful!

RICK: dazed God?

SAMANTHA: No, it's Samantha. Are you okay, mate?

RICK: Yes I am, now that you're here…

SAMANTHA looks at him strangely. Rick suddenly snaps out of it.

RICK: I mean, yes, yes, I'm fine! Thankyou! Jumps up and brushes himself off.

SAMANTHA: Do you realise that you were nearly run over, mate?

RICK: Holding his head No. All I can remember is the landlord's naked body…

Angry drivers: Watch where you're going, idiot kids!

SAMANTHA: To the angry drivers Piss off, you air-polluting Nazis! Turns to RICK You're very lucky I saved you just in time!

RICK: Yes, well, thanks. Looks at her and realises how pretty she is Wow, you really are a smashing bird… What did you say your name was?

SAMANTHA: Giggles Samantha. But just call me "Sam." Are you feeling alright? Is there anyway I can help you? Why are you in your pyjamas?

RICK: Holding his head I don't know. It's all so confusing.

SAMANTHA puts an arm around him and helps him walk down the street.

SAMANTHA: So what's your name?

RICK: Wick :)

SAMANTHA: Rick, huh? Pause Oh crap! I just remembered! I forgot to tape that Cliff Richard special on ABC!

RICK is suddenly struck with thought.

RICK: Curiously Sam, do you like Cliff Richard?

SAMANTHA: Are you kidding? I LOVE Cliff Richard!

RICK: Oh my God, I love Cliff Richard too!

SAMANTHA: Oh wow, this is so exciting! I don't come across many people my age who like him.

RICK: Well, they're just fascists!

SAMANTHA: Cliff's a legend! His songs have really got something to say!

RICK: Yeah, unlike the mumbo jumbo these days!

SAMANTHA: Lousy bums!

RICK: Cliff will always be the total and utter king of rock n' roll!

SAMANTHA: Yeah! Right on!

Moment of Silence. RICK is staring at SAMANTHA.

SAMANTHA: What?

RICK: Oh, nothing. It's just that, you're the most amazing person I've ever met.

SAMANTHA smiles.

Scene 18

Clips of MIKE and VYVYAN having fun on various amusement park rides. There's no sound, but zany music of some description. There's a clip which shows MIKE and VYVYAN talking up two girls; they obviously say something rude and this results in them both getting a slap in the face. Another clip is of VYVYAN and MIKE on a Merry-go-round. VYVYAN is throwing back bottles of alcohol and giving the two-fingered salute to passers-by.

5 HOURS AFTER MIKE and VYVYAN LEFT NEIL…

MIKE and VYVYAN approach NEIL who is nearly at the front of the line, they are both eating Dagwood dogs. NEIL looks even more depressed than usual.

NEIL: So you finally decide come back after leaving me standing here for 5 hours.

VYVYAN: Oh don't be such a killjoy, Neil! It must been pretty fun standing in this line! You should be thankful that we let you have the unbelievably exciting task of waiting in a line for 5 hours, you lucky, lucky bastard! Fun and excitement like that doesn't come along every day! Why, I'm green with envy!

MIKE: Vyv's right, Neil. You're very fortunate.

NEIL: Whatever you say, guys.

After a short while, the three of them are finally let onto the rollercoaster. The rollercoaster is really loopy and fast and really scary and full-on. VYVYAN looks excited, NEIL looks terrified and MIKE, as always, looks cool and unaffected.

Scene 19

After the roller coaster's over: NEIL is vomiting into a bin, VYVYAN is vomiting onto the concrete (though he looks happy) - a couple of little kids slip on the vomit and fall into it, and MIKE is just standing around, cleaning his sunglasses.

NEIL: with his head in the bin Oh wow, this is really heavy!

VYVYAN: after he finished vomiting Wow, that was brilliant! Let's go on it again!

NEIL: lifts his head, looks terrified at the thought of going on it again Noooo!

MIKE: As much as I usually hate to agree with Neil, I have to agree with Neil on this one. That thing was far too frightening! And I didn't enjoy getting thrown up on by those old people.

VYVYAN: bitterly Poof!

Scene 20

Living room at hotel; all four Young Ones are sitting around on the couch.

RICK: Well, I'm glad you had a good time after you left poor sick little me alone at the hotel. Not! Well anyway, I'm not about to bicker about it with you lot, because right now I'm in a pleasantly good mood. Well, as you already know, I left the hotel while you were out and stumbled into a nude beach and freaked out after seeing the landlord naked. But then that horrible event was followed by something beautiful… I fell in love.

MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL exchange worried glances.

VYVYAN: With the landlord?

RICK: No, of course not! You see, after I saw the landlord, I ran across the road and very nearly got run over!

VYVYAN: whispering Damn it!

RICK: But luckily, I was saved by the beautiful girl. And as we talked, we found we had so much in common. We're both Cliff Richard fans, we're both anarchists and we're both political activists. Gosh, we discussed Cliff and politics for hours…

VYVYAN: Glad I wasn't there to hear! I think I woulda killed myself!

RICK: Ignoring VYVYAN It was beautiful and special and we really fell in love. This is the real thing, I can feel it! Her name is Samantha and tomorrow, we'll be going on a romantic picnic and everything will be just perfect.

VYVYAN: Oh God, I think I'm gonna throw up!

Scene 21

RICK and SAMANTHA are sitting together sitting on a rug on a grassy hill beside a pond. There's a picnic basket. Ducks are swimming around in the pond.

RICK: Sam, I wrote a poem for you. Wanna hear it?

SAMANTHA: Of course.

RICK takes a piece a crumbled paper out of his pocket.

RICK: Reading

Oh Samantha,

Oh beautiful, sweet Samantha

I want your pants-a

Your breath smells like flowers

We love to talk for hours

I love you, Samantha.

SAMANTHA: Aw, how sweet. I wrote one for you, too. Wanna hear it?

RICK: Sure, go on.

SAMANTHA also takes a piece a crumbled paper out of his pocket.

SAMANTHA: Reading

Oh Rick,

I don't think you're a prick

You're a clever stick

Kind of a like a brick

But not really

Please don't give me the flick

Cause I'm lovesick.

RICK: Aw, that was beautiful!

SAMANTHA: bashfully You think so? It only took me 8 hours to write.

RICK: Absolutely! It was brilliant!

SAMATHA: So do you wanna through bread crumbs to the ducks now?

RICK: I'd love to, Smoochy Woochy.

SAMANTHA: Whatever you say, my little honeybee.

RICK and SAMANTHA then start kissing. Screen freezes after a few seconds and VYVYAN appears onto the scene.

VYVYAN: Time out! Time out! This is disgusting and I refuse to put up with anymore of this! I mean, it's Rick! C'mon! So look, if you don't stop this within 5 seconds, I am gonna throw up all over the set and I'm not joking!

The scene unfreezes. RICK and SAMANTHA continue to kiss for longer than 5 seconds.

VYVYAN: All right, that's it!

VYVYAN starts vomiting everywhere. He walks off the set, but you can still hear him vomiting. (Okay, I realise there's a lot of vomit in this story!)

NEIL's voice: Aw Vyv! You got vomit all down my best flares! Well… my only flares…

VYVYAN's voice: Oh put a sock in it, Neil!

NEIL's voice: I would, but they're too smelly.

Scene 22

Painfully sweet images of RICK and SAMANTHA together with romantic music playing: running barefoot along the beach; on a Ferris wheel sharing a stick of fairy floss; camping out in a tent and toasting marshmallows on a stick; at the park – RICK pushing SAMANTHA on the swing, RICK at the top of the slide, he pushes a little kid off that's in front of him and slides down, RICK on one of those little springy dolphin things you sit on that go back and forth (yay!), the little kid RICK pushed off the play equipment going to his parents, crying, and the parents getting really pissed off and running after RICK and SAMANTHA, yelling and fists waving; SAMANTHA tucking RICK into bed and reading him a bedtime story.

Scene 23

Living room at hotel; all four Young Ones are sitting around on the couch (again).

RICK: Hasn't this been a terrific holiday? You've been going out and getting drunk every night and Sam and I are inseparable.

VYVYAN: Well if you two are so inseparable, then where is she now?

RICK: She went down to the shops to get some fish 'n chips. Strange, it's been at least 4 hours since she said that.

MIKE: Maybe she found a handsome stranger in the street and has decided to run away with him! Laughs at his own joke.

RICK: Clearly not amused, although he looks worried that maybe what Mike said be true and there's a tone of anxiety in his voice Oh, very funny!

The phone rings. It continues to ring for a while no one moves.

RICK: Well, Neil, what are you waiting for? Answer the phone.

NEIL moans as he gets up and answers the phone. He listens to the person on the other line for a few seconds.

NEIL: Oh, right. See ya. Puts the phone down. Turns to the rest of the guys. Well guys, doesn't look like will ever be getting those fish 'n chips.

RICK: Suddenly very worried Why? Is it Sam? Tell me! Is something the matter with her?

NEIL: Well, one – the fish 'n chips shop has closed down. Two – Sam was hit by a bus and died.

The rest of the guys jump up from their seats in shock.

RICK and MIKE and VYVYAN: What!

RICK: This cannot be! My Sam… dead. Oh God, why does this always happen to me! Whenever I get close to anyone, they just die. That's why you guys are still alive! First it was my best friend at school, then my parents and now beautiful little Sammy! (Let's just pretend the boys didn't die at the end of Summer Holiday, okay?) Sighs My one and only true love, Sam, gone forever… This is all your fault, Neil!

NEIL: What! How is this my fault?

RICK: Who answered the phone? I believe it was you. If you had not answered that phone, Sam would never have died. So it's your fault! You stupid, ugly hippie! I hate you, Neil! You stink! You're ugly! You're boring!

NEIL: Stop it, man. Right. Just stop. Shut up, Rick. Just shut up right. Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!

NEIL is saying this whilst RICK's carrying on. Suddenly NEIL slaps RICK across the face. Silence…

RICK: Voice eerily calm. A realization just hit me. Yes, everything is clear now. All the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Neil, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for treating you so badly over the years.

NEIL: Ah, he's scaring me! Help me, Vyv! Takes some steps backwards.

RICK: Don't be afraid, Neil. We're as close as brothers, you and I. I just want to patch everything up. C'mon, let me give you a hug. Walks towards Neil, arms outstretched.

NEIL is walking backwards, screaming. He hides behind VYVYAN.

RICK: What is all this silliness?

VYVYAN: This should fix him.

VYVYAN pulls the infamous cricket bat out of nowhere and hits RICK over the head with it. RICK immediately falls unconscious.

VYVYAN: He'll be back to his old self by the time he wakes up.

NEIL: Thank heavens for that!

Ending Credits with spazzy music

Ending Credits finish. They are back at their old flat in London. RICK is sitting by himself at the kitchen table, looking depressed. He lets out a deep sigh. VYVYAN comes over.

VYVYAN: It was a good holiday, wasn't it?

RICK: sadly Yes, I suppose.

VYVYAN: You still moaning over that girl?

RICK: I think I can learn to get on with my life, but Sam, looks up to the ceiling as if speaking to her from beyond you'll always be in my heart.

VYVYAN: Don't worry, Rick. There's plenty more fish in the sea… Though that'll probably be the only one who will find you attractive, but still.

RICK: I suppose so. And I've still got my Cosmopolitan.

RICK pulls out his Cosmopolitan with a big smile on his face. He brightens up as he begins to read. VYVYAN pulls RICK's chair out from underneath him, steals his magazine and runs up the stairs. RICK struggles to get up.

RICK: My magazine!

The End

-----So how was that? Please review! Constructive criticism and honest feedback much appreciated, but nothing nasty. Even if you review just to say "Hi", that would be good… Thank you for your time.