Harry Potter and the Tedious Fetch Quest
Chapter 1: And so the Adventure Begins
Darkness had fallen over the world. This is to be expected at night time, which it currently was, but the people were terrified of Lord Voldemort's reign of terror. To clarify, it was dark both literally and metaphorically. Anyway, I digress. I'll get to the story now... Well, I say "story", but such a description is quite generous. A more appropriate description would be "Poor quality crossover involving various unrelated characters, spouting recognisable quotes whenever the opportunity arises..."
"Could you be quiet, please?" Gary shouted to the disembodied voice appointed for narrative purposes. "You're rambling again."
Fine. I was getting to you in a minute, you jerk.
Gary's friends Ron and Hermione entered the room accompanied by someone Gary felt he had seen before, but couldn't remember.
"Why don't Hermione and I get new names?" Ron asked.
"I've told you before, Ron. I'm the one Voldemort's after, and a new name will fool him." Gary replied.
"How do you expect him to be fooled by changed initials?" Hermione queried. "I doubt Voldemort is that stupid."
Harry thought for a minute before giving a response.
"When you put it like that, I prefer the name Gary."
000
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, Voldemort and his minions were watching the Black Cauldron of Blackness intently. Voldemort was fuming.
"Curses! Harry Potter has disappeared! There's someone called Gary Rotter, but there's no Harry Potter!"
Two of the minions struggled to stifle their giggles. Voldemort rounded on one of them, his manservant Wormtail. The portly little man shrunk backwards under his master's gaze.
"Sir... Perhaps Harry has changed his name as a disguise." He suggested. Voldemort pondered this possibility and seemed to calm down.
"Yes, that would be quite clever of him. Wormtail, as a reward, you don't have to clean my armpits the next time I have a sponge bath." Wormtail breathed a sigh of relief as Voldemort spoke to the other chuckler. He was wearing a hooded robe that obscured his face in shadow.
"You. Check it out."
The hooded man mimicked Voldemort's voice with impressive accuracy.
"You. Check it out." He snorted derisively. "As if!"
As the remainder of the group laughed uproariously, Voldemort struggled to retain his composure as he spoke.
"You know, Xigbar?"
Oh no, here we go!
"Shut it you!" Voldemort screamed, before clearing his throat. "Right then, where was I before being so rudely interrupted by the narrator? Line please?"
A man with a clipboard appeared to show Voldemort his line before leaving.
"Thanks. Okay, let's try again. You know, Xigbar? I've had a gruelling day of manual labour. My armpits are sweating through my thick robes." Voldemort tossed Xigbar a sponge. "I think it's bath time. Don't you?"
Xigbar held out his hand to create a corridor of darkness and leapt in, hastily saying. "I'll be a good boy now!"
Voldemort clasped his hands together.
"I'd say this covers everything. Any questions before we finish for tonight?" A small hand went up. "Yes, Bowser Jr.?" Voldemort crouched down to hear the young one's demand.
"Could I borrow the Black Cauldron please? I kidnapped Princess Peach, but Bowser, Dry Bowser and all the other guys were defeated and I'm getting rather desperate."
As Bowser Jr. left with the Cauldron, Bellatrix turned to Wormtail and whispered "So that's where he got that from."
000
Gary shuddered violently.
"Is something wrong?" Ron asked.
"I just had the feeling that somebody was talking about me. It's nothing to worry about." Gary changed the subject. "Who's the other guy?"
"This is your decoy, Gary." Hermione pointed to the stranger. "We paid him to stay here while we go save the world."
"Expecto Patronum! Expelliarmus!" The decoy started waving a pointy stick about, jabbing Gary with it in the process.
"Ow! Be more careful with... Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you that guy who ran into my cupboard and stole all my clothes?"
Before this situation could get any more awkward, the doorbell rang. Gary could not be seen partaking in such menial activities.
"Ron, door."
"Hermione, door."
"Decoy, door."
The decoy went to answer the door to find Xigbar, holding a parcel and dressed in a postman's outfit two sizes too small for him.
"I have a special delivery for a Gary Rotter. Could you sign here for it please?"
"You mean Harry Potter, right?" The decoy asked.
"As if! Uh, I mean yes! Uh, no! Who? Erm, mayhaps? Oh forget this, it's a bomb!" Xigbar vanished as the parcel exploded, leaving a pair of smoking boots where the decoy once stood. Harry took in the destruction.
"Well. That was quite something." He said. "I think we'll need a new hideout."