First ever fanfiction. If there are errors, please tell me. If you are unaware, this is in second person, with the "you" describing Karkat. It's quick, but that's because I can't do pacing haha Oh I fixed the format errors I am very sorry. I you can give me a review I'd be very grateful.
You wake up feeling worse than you did the day before. The pain in your chest is throbbing, threatening to burst like some horror movie shit. You don't want to deal with these emotions, they are too much to handle. It's better to feel nothing at all, right?
You reach over to your wallet and reach inside it, pulling out a tiny razor blade. You got this from Kanaya when you had asked her for a pencil sharpener, and it only took you a few minutes to get back to your room and extract the tiny blade. It was easily hidden, and worked very efficiently. As you pull the blade out you look at it, acknowledging the crusted blood left over from last time. You probably should get that shit cleaned up properly. After staring at it for a minute or however fucking long it's been, you roll up your shorts so your thigh is exposed, and add a few more gashes to the skin. Your grey skin is already darkly discoloured from the sheer amount of scars here. A few more won't hurt, right? You add a few more to get a total of five new cuts. No-one will know. No matter how many times they check your wrists, you're clean. Oh, how fucking clean.
After grabbing a grey sweatshirt and black jeans, you drop the blade on the bed and you go to take a shower, being careful to keep your bloody leg out of the water for now. After getting soap and water over the rest of your skinny body, you put your blooded leg in the water, letting out a small gasp from the pain that explodes up your thigh. Soap and water inside a new cut are painful, but you deserve it, don't you? After the agony fades you scrub your thigh so that any blood is washed off, then you get out of the shower and dry off, dressing up in the clothes you left for yourself.
Someone's at the door. "Shit!" you hiss and consider hiding inside the bathroom and pretending that there's no-one there, but what if it's someone like Gamzee? After debating whether or not to answer the door for a few seconds, you begrudgingly answer the door.
The door opens a few inches, the metal chain lock keeping it from opening further. Oh. Oh look who it fucking is. Fucking red pajamas and stupid fucking blond hair. "Strider."
"Hey Karkitty what's up?"
You glare, "Why the fuck are you here, shitbag?"
"You haven't been around school since the start of this semester." Straight to the point, you see.
Nah. You don't want to deal with this absolute horseshit. You shut the door on his smug little face. Of course immediately after you hear knocking, alongside a mocking "Karkitty!" Oh my FUCKING GOD he's unbearable.
You open the door a few inches again. "I'm taking online schooling now." That's not a lie, you really are. You don't want to tell him why.
"Why?" he sticks his hand on the door frame, "What happened? Let me in."
You slam the door on his fingers, only feeling bad about it when he screams. The door is opened once again. Fuck, all the cool air is gonna leave. "Go away Strider I am not in the mood."
His face exhibits concern, "But Karkat," oh he used your real name instead of that ridiculous nickname, "you won't be at the table at lunch."
"Who cares?" your voice is practically monotone.
He flinches a little bit at your response, "I care."
Fucking liar. You shut the door on him, making sure his hands won't be smashed this time. He starts up the incessant knocking again, but you refuse to answer. Fuck it, there's no way he cares. That shitbiscuit is just trying to guilt you into going back to that hellhole they call school. No, you won't have it. You won't believe his goddamn lies.
You make your way to your room, where you won't have to listen to the knocking, and you start up some music. Just enough to not have to hear the stupid knocking. It's a good thing you don't have a roommate, they surely wouldn't approve of you locking someone out or using the chain lock for that matter. Plus only you have the key, so no fuckers can break in. You close your eyes and try to go back to sleep.
You wake up after about an hour, the alarm you used last semester blaring out 7 o'clock. You'd be late if you actually had to go anywhere, but now you don't. Good. You slam the off button and get up, wincing slightly at the pain in your thigh, but mostly ignoring the pain. You grab your laptop and sit on the couch, enjoying the absolute peace and quiet. Nobody asking you how you feel, or if you're okay. None of that pity party bullshit.
There's a knock on the door.
You slam your computer closed and squeeze your eyes shut from the pure fury you feel. Oh MY FUCKING GOD. With a heavy sigh you stand up and open the door a few inches again.
"Hey!" it's Egbert. Of all the motherfuckers it had to be it's that nerdy ass Egbert.
"Go fuck yourself." you shut the door. At least he has the courtesy not to knock again like that fucking Strider. You open your laptop again and start to type in the name of your online class when pesterchum pops up, from none other than EB.
[ectoBiologist began pestering carcinoGeneticist at 7:13 AM]
EB: Rude.
CG: GO THE FUCK AWAY, EGBERTS. CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT?
EB: Why'd you make Dave mad?
EB: He said you slammed his hand in the door.
EB: That's rude, dude.
CG: WELL FUCKING GREAT HE'S A WHINY ASS PRICK.
CG: WHEN SOMEONE SHOVES THEIR HAND IN MY DOOR
CG: I DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO SUCH HORSESHIT
CG: HE FUCKING DESERVED IT.
EB: No that's just mean.
EB: You're just mean.
CG: OUCH. I'M HURT. YOUR WORDS MEAN FUCKING THE WORLD TO ME.
CG: YOU FUCKING SHITBAG.
CG: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
EB: Why aren't you coming to school?
CG: WHY AREN'T YOU AT SCHOOL DIPSHIT
EB: Free period.
CG: ASK STRIDER HE FUCKING KNOWS.
CG: BUT SINCE YOU'RE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO ASK.
CG: I HAVE FUCKING ONLINE SCHOOL YOU DUMBASS
CG: GETTING MY SCHOLARLY KNOWLEDGE WITHOUT YOU BITCHES
EB: …
EB: Okay.
CG: GOOD FUCKING DAY
CG: NOW GO THE FUCK AWAY
EB: Jeez I'm your friend!
EB: I'm just worried about you.
EB: Even Terezi is worried you weren't there before school where we always are.
CG: DON'T BRING HER INTO THIS
CG: SHE DOESN'T FUCKING CARE
CG: SHE NEVER CARED AT ALL ABOUT THE MOTHERFUCKER I AM
EB: Karkat please
CG: STOP IT EGBERT
EB: Karkat just come to school! We miss you!
CG: LEAVE ME ALONE
CG: I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU
CG: ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS IF I'M PRESENTABLE ENOUGH
EB: Let me in so we can talk in person please
EB: It would be easier
CG: FINE
[carcinoGeneticist ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 7:17 AM]
You angrily close out of the program. You don't want to deal with him being a total dumbass. Is everyone out to just spite you? Fuck them all, you don't need any of them. You get up and unlock the chain lock before opening the door. You're aware of your grit teeth, and stupid Egbert is just standing there holding his stupid little phone. "Get your fucking ass inside you piece of shit."
He seems to disregard your attitude as he steps inside, and once you shut the door behind yourself he immediately grabs one of your arms and pulls the sleeve up, seemingly relieved that there are no marks. You pull your arms away from him, "Is that how you sons of bitches greet each other?"
"I'm just being cautious, Karkat-"
"Tell me whatever the hell you needed to say so I can get back to my motherfucking day!"
He grabs your shoulders, "Karkat what did you mean when you said we only care about how 'presentable' you are?"
You shove his hands off your shoulders, absolutely filled with rage. You can feel your face becoming red-tinted from how fucking angry you are. "YOU JUST CHECKED MY ARMS BEFORE EVEN SAYING HELLO!"
He makes you sit on the couch, "Shh not so loud. What does that have to do with anything?"
You cannot believe how fucking dull this piece of shit kid it. "Idiot! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!" he makes another attempt to shush you, "You don't even say hello before you fucking make sure I haven't done anything to myself! Are my looks all that matter to you?!"
"No, Karkat! Listen, please don't be so stubborn. It's not your looks we care about it's if you're okay or not. This is the easiest way to do so."
Oh if only he knew about your thighs. You're tempted to tell him, but you don't want him to know at the same time. He'll tell others. You'll be forced into things you don't want, like therapy. You sit there with your fists clenched and your shoulders hunched and your teeth grinding, looking away from his stupid face. He rests a hand on your shoulder and you shrug him off, looking back at him in anger, "Fuck off."
Egbert sighs and stands up looking around your tiny little apartment. "Not bad," he starts to go into your room.
"Egbert I let you in to talk, not to give you a fucking tour," you get up after him and rush in. He's standing in your room, looking around at your blank walls. He sits down on your bed and jumps back up quickly after letting out a yelp.
You forgot to put the blade away.
Panic seizes your body so no matter how desperately you want to move you can't. He looks under himself and grabs the tiny, blood-crusted blade that jabbed into his ass. "Karkat." he states, not even questioningly, almost as if he simply can't believe it. "But your arms?"
The panic that had seized you up is now beginning to make you feel like vomiting. You feel absolutely sick to your stomach, and you are aware of the fact that your grey face is probably equivalent to John's skin with how pale you are. "Th- That's just from a fucking broken sharpener I was going to th- throw it away." you grab it from him, having to fight a little bit for the blade.
He stares at you as if he wants to believe you, "Karkat..." his voice trails off into uncertainty.
Silence fills the room as you try to keep yourself composed, try to prevent John from panicking. You're calling him John now, because you're fucking serious. He sits there and stares at you, and you stare right back. You notice you're shaking, and you wonder if he notices too.
He gives you a small smile, "You're just pulling strings and pranking me now, right?"
You keep your mouth shut and don't move at all. The shaking intensifies.
"...right?"
You take the opportunity to split, running out of the room and to the bathroom, locking the door behind you before he can get in. John hurries after you, trying to catch you, but he's too distraught to get a hold of you. You press your back against the door to keep it shut, as if afraid the lock won't hold.
"Please tell me you haven't cut yourself before!" he sounds absolutely dismayed./p
You look at the door, knowing he and his stupid blue pajamas are on the other side. "I- I can't-"
"KARKAT!" he screams at you, full of more anger and distress than before.
You abandon the door and hurry over to the toilet, lifting up the lid to vomit, the sheer panic and fear causing you to be more scared of him than you have been of anything. The only thing that comes up from your stomach is foamy water, from the water you drank last night. You haven't eaten in over a day, and you know you won't be able to eat for a while. Your stomach twists and pains you, and you feel so scared that you're surprised you haven't passed out. He continues to pound on the door. "Don't you dare do anything in there just- just slide the blade under the door."
You can't do that. You can't give him any more power over you than he already has. You want out of this situation and there's a couple ways out. You could go quietly and do as he says, then get sent to therapy? Fuck no. You could bust the door open and try to knock him out? Nah, wind powers would surpass you. You could climb out the window? There's no window. You could die?
You could die. Your mind tells you that's the only way out of this fucking mess. If you die, you won't have to deal with any of it any more. No doubt John's already contacting everyone around him, telling them all your dirty little secret. You have to go now. NOW.
You grab the knife and pull the jacket off, then start making cuts along your arm, making sure it's vertical from the wrist down the length of your arm. As you always said, sideways for attention, longways for results. Your panic morphs into anger and begins to seep into your arms as you cut deeper and faster, the red blood bubbling up through the gashed skin. You move to your other arm, cutting the same amount into that arm too. There were ten new cuts on each arm, all of them deep and some of them hitting larger veins. As you watch the blood seep down your arms into your palms, you feel all the pain in your chest disappearing. All the emotions, even the panic you felt, disappears as if you were bleeding emotions instead of your life force. You lie down on the white tile, your arms on the floor beside you. You slowly curl up, holding your arms close to you as if trying to hide them, or protect them. You close your eyes and your consciousness begins to fade as John's voice frantically mixes with his pounding on the door, morphing into bland white noise.