Aliens!

by Balloon Animal

Demoman convinces Scout that they may not be alone in the universe. Unfortunately the pair end up for much, much more than they bargained for.

Scout craned his neck to scan at the night sky for the fiftieth time that evening. Apart from a solitary cloud drifting across the moon, little had happened since the beginning of the night. His legs were numb from crouching and his patience was wearing thin. It was only a lingering thread of doubt that kept him camped behind a musky stack of hay bales with a half-sane Scotsman.

"I don't know why I keep letting you drag me out to do these things. This is the lasttime man."

Demoman turned his good eye onto Scout, appraising him in a rare moment of clarity. "Oh? So ye havin' second thoughts now are ye? Well go on. Off with ye! I'll just witness one o' the most monumental events in mankind's history by meself."

Scout seethed with petulance, but he didn't move to leave. This was yet another one of Demoman's harebrained conspiracy theories which had sounded so convincing at the time. When Demoman sought him out, abundant with a glut of fanciful tales and some blurry (but almost believable) photographic evidence, Scout's overactive imagination didn't stand a chance.

So here they were out in a dusty field in the dead of night waiting for these apparitions to appear. Scout peered out into the darkness, scratching his nose in thought. "So what happens when they do come?"

"What else do ye think, laddy?" Demoman grinned at him before making a show of cocking his stickybomb launcher. "We blow 'em to smithereens!"

Whilst promises of extraterrestrial warfare had always been one of Scout's childhood fantasies, his pea-brain had finally matured to the point where he could conclude that the chance of this happening was highly, if not completely unlikely.

Demoman was still adamant. "Ah swear on me Grandnanna's grave, ah've seen 'em!"

"Yeah, that's what you said about the old-man ghost that haunts the infirmary. Then it turns it was just Medic! I can't unsee that, man!"

"Okay. Ye got me there. But how was ah supposed to know the Doctor likes tae walk around naked as the day he was born, moanin' like a banshee? Anyone would have been fooled."

A lone coyote howled in the distance before a chill wind blew across the men, taking Scout's cap with it.

Scout had had enough.

"You know what? Fuck this! Nothing's gonna happen. I've got better things to do than sit around in a field with a crazy drunk Irish lunatic."

"Oi! Ye best be taking that back." Demoman stood up to face Scout, his face darkening. "Ah'm notIrish."

Scout was just about ready to pummel Demoman. After all the fruitless ghost-hunts and monster sighting he'd been dragged out to, Scout was ready to relieve some frustration.

Just as he was about to take the first swing, a vortex of wind swept around them, stopping them dead in their tracks. A blinding light descended upon the men, bringing with it a shrill screech and a hair-raising pressure in the air. Scout tried to shield his eyes from the glare only to see Demoman laughing at the sky like a madman.

His jaw dropped.

"Ah told ye they'd come! Ye dinnae believe me but here they are!" Demoman pointed his launcher up at the descending spacecraft, almost daring it to come closer. "Come and get me, ye wee green beasties! Ye'll never take me alive!"

The wailing sound how now become a deafening roar. Demoman shot a few stray stickybombs at the light with little effect. Loose pebbles on the ground were slowly levitating away from the earth. It was at that point Scout decided his encounter was close enough. He began to run as fast as his legs could carry him. Any objection Demoman might have raised was drowned out by the sound of otherworldly engines.

Scout dashed towards the safety of darkness. He was close to the edge of the shaft of light before the strangest sensation overcame him. His legs continued to motor forward but were no longer connected to the ground. He blinked in surprise before he realised he had to change tactic. He waved his arms back and forth in an attempted to propel himself forward. It was futile. Nothing he tried could stop his slow ascent towards the central beam of light.

"Och! They be takin' us to the mothership!" Hollered Demoman as he also began to float upwards. "The beasties'll be keepin' our brains in jars and performin' unspeakable experiments on our lifeless hides as our detached eyeballs watch!"

Demoman's words weren't doing anything to sooth Scout's jangled nerves. He flailed in panic. "Fuck man, fuck!"

Another more ominous sound joined the cacophony. A hatch began to open at the centre of great ship revealing a mesmerising portal. It emitted a misty blue light and buzzed with electrical pulses. Both men stared up at the vortex awestruck.

Demoman performed the sign of the cross against his flak jacket. "Sweet holy mother o' Mary."

There was a sudden drop in air pressure. The men were sucked up like a pair of ragdolls into the mysterious portal. Scout squeezed his eyes shut as wind whipped across him, and before he knew what had happened he had landed face down against a cold metallic floor. He coughed and slowly pushed himself upright, squinting at his surroundings.

They were sitting within a dome shaped room. Every surface was covered in reflective chrome and there were no windows to be seen. A few blinking lights suspended from the ceiling provided the room with an eerie blue glow. The only sound was the background hum of the spacecraft.

Demoman cradled his face in his hands after suffering a particularly bumpy landing. "Oh me aching head."

Scout was having a difficult time trying to keep his hysteria under control. He jumped to his feet and pointed an accusing finger at Demoman. "You! You fuckin' got me into this! Now we're going to be probed, dissected and probably eaten by ten-foot insect people! Well fuck that! I'm getting out of here."

Scout ran across the room and used all his power to throw his shoulder against the shiny curved wall. Unfortunately for Scout the surface was so slippery he only managed trip over and hit his head for the second time that night.

"Cover yer ears laddy. That's how they get in to ye head and read ye mind."

Scout immediately slapped his palms over his ears. "Oh God!"

"And if ye really unlucky they'll zap ye with the inside-out ray. Ye better pray they take out yer eyes first for no mortal man should witness such an unholy sight. Protect ye groin, ye best not ask why."

Scout whimpered and turned his knees inward.

Before Demoman could impart Scout with more trivia about their malevolent alien captors, the ship lurched sideways. They were thrown off their feet and buffeted against the wall.

"The ship's takin' off! We're goin' to their planet. God have mercy on our souls!"

Fortunately the turbulence was brief. They slid down the wall into a tangled clump. Their woes weren't over yet though. Before they could extricate themselves from the heap, the floor began to rumble and vibrate.

One of the sliver wall panels slid away. The same intense light they had witnessed earlier spewed forth from the doorway. Clouds of fog drifted forward with cinematic flair. Silhouetted figures surrounded by a halo of light emerged from the entrance and made their way towards the astonished men.

Demoman stood tall to face them. "Ye'll never get me to talk! I'd sooner rip out me own heart than submit to ye filthy outlanders."

Scout pushed past Demoman and threw himself to his knees. "I give in! I'll tell you all of humanity's secrets. Hell, I'll take you to the president. Just please don't turn me inside-out!"

"Traitor!" Yelled Demoman.

~Silence!~

That shut them up. Their minds rattled with their first telepathic exchange.

~We come in peace.~

"Liars! Ye won't be getting anymore information from this brain!" Demoman covered his ears and sneered the imposing figures.

~You may desist with your feeble attempts to resist our telepathy. We have long since discovered how to circumvent your hand-to-ear mind defences.~

"Who are you?" Scout tilted his head, trying to get a better look at these alien beings.

~We are cosmic scientists. Our mission is to explore and discover the secrets of the universe. Our journey has taken us to Earth and we have grown quite intrigued with your race and its many intricacies.~

"Is that yer fancy alien-speak to say yer gonna enslave us all?"

A bolt of lightning erupted from the ceiling and struck Demoman square on the forehead.

~As we were saying, we are simply here to collect data. We have decided that you are prime specimens for our extensive research.~

Scout warily eyed them down as Demoman lay groaning on the ground. "Yeah, what kind of research?"

The creature stepped forward and into the light, revealing its freakish form. Its bulbous head teetered on a slender neck, which connected to its frail torso. It had no visible mouth and from its face peered two inky black eyes. Instead of hands it had a series of tendrils that gently wafted around its body. Its skin looked rough and grey, and was freckled with green spots. It was unsightly, but no more so than Demoman was with a hangover.

~As we are semelparous organisms, we are fascinated by your species' reproductive strategy. We have arranged a chamber in which to record and document an iteroparous copulation. Your cooperation would be most appreciated.~

"Uh," big words made Scout nervous, "what does that mean?"

~We wish to observe sexual intercourse between a human male and female.~

"Oh…" Realisation dawned on Scout. "Oh!"

Demoman had recovered enough to stand again. "Ye sick monsters! I won't be tarnishing me sanctity fer the likes 'o you… unless the lassies are pretty."

Scout started to tingle with nervous excitement. In preparation he licked his palm and slicked back his hair. This wasn't how he imagined he'd lose his virginity, but he wasn't one to complain. "So where are the lucky girls? I mean, it's not like I wantto do this but I totally get the whole 'for science' thing. Where should I put my pants? Over there?"

The aliens look at each other for a moment before turning back to Scout. ~I apologise. There may have been an error in my translation. Your chosen language is limited in its lexis. I mean to say that the two of you are the only specimens that we require.~

Demoman and Scout were struck silent.

~We have equipped the room with non-invasive sensors and would like to start the research as soon a poss-~

Scout was quick to interrupt that thought. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Just wait a freakin' minute! Are you sayin' that you want me and Cyclops over there to, to…" He couldn't bring himself to say it, so instead he resorted to crude finger gesticulations to get his point across.

~That is what we intend.~

Scout burst out in nervous laugher. "I think there's been a biiiiig mistake here. I don't know how well your freaky alien eyes can see, but we're both guys." He grabbed his crotch. "See this here? It's a certified genuine dick. And I've never checked but I'm pretty sure Cyclops has one too."

"It's true. The best willie ye've ever seen."

~Cease your attempts to confound us! You should know better than to question a superior race.~

"We're not tryin' to trick you, I swear. We're both men!"

"The manliest of men!"

~Enough!~

This telephathic message was so forceful that Scout and Demoman clutched their skulls in agony. The lights in the room flickered briefly as the creatures looked down at them.

~There will be no more contradiction on the matter. We insist on conducting the research as soon as possible.~

"And what if we refuse?" Demoman glowered at them.

~Then we will have to dispose of you and find new specimens.~

"Errr," Scout didn't like the sound of that. "What do you mean by disposeof?"

The aliens stepped away. A crisp holographic image flickered to life in the centre of the dome. It displayed a generic human figure standing with arms akimbo. A pulsating green ray shot down at the figure, causing the skin to melt away from the bones in thick globules. The eyes popped out of the man's sockets and the limbs withered away until eventually he was little more than a steaming puddle of flesh.

The hologram flickered away as quickly as it had appeared.

~Does this sufficiently answer your question?~

Scout couldn't even stutter a coherent sentence.

Demoman gaped at his captors. "Ah thought ye said ye were a peaceful race?"

~Perhaps there has been another translation error. We would describe ourselves more as tyrannical. Collection of information is our imperative. Do you still refuse?~

Demoman grabbed the dumbstruck Scout by the arm. "Ah'm ready when you are." He gave the boy a shake. "Isn't tha' right sweetie?"

~Excellent! Let the mating commence!~

Two glass tubes extended from the ceiling. They hovered over Scout and Demoman before the motors whirred in to life. A powerful vacuum forced their arms up and efficiently stripped the men of their clothing. Demoman only barely managed to save his eye patch from being sucked into the contraption.

~You have been sufficiently disrobed. We shall now leave you to your own devices. Please remember that although we won't be present we shall be recording and watching your activities with great interest. You will be provided with all necessary artefacts in order to achieve a successful result.~

The aliens waddled backwards, leaving through the same door they entered. The door shut with a resonating 'clang', leaving the two men alone in the room once again. Pieces of the floor slid away like a jigsaw puzzle, and from the ground emerged a heart shaped bed and side table, complete with lava lamps, scented candles and a smattering of rose petals.

Scout and Demoman looked at each other, both shielding their genitals in mortification.

Scout threw a glance at Demoman's battle-scarred physique before he quickly looked away. His face suddenly felt very hot. "So, is it still too late for the death ray?"

Demoman wasn't as shaken up about their circumstance. "Ah say we're in a bloody tight spot. I don't trust those creature fer a second." He crept over to the bed and nudged it with his toe, as though it might be detonated with explosives.

The reality of the situation was sinking in too fast for Scout. "Aww man. Awwww man! We really gotta do this?"

Demoman heaved a sigh. "Aye, we may have to if we want to see sweet mother Earth again."

"Awwwwww man!"

"Listen laddie. It's one small fook fer man, one giant rodger up the arse for those beasties watchin' us." He sat on the edge of the (actually very comfortable) bed and beckoned Scout over.

Scout sheepishly walked over to the bed, making sure to avert his eyes from the Scotsman. He kept his hands cupped over his front, even when he sat down on the bed, and made sure he was as far away from the other man as possible. "I'm not a fag."

"And ye think I am? Jesus Mary and Joseph! They're gonnae liquefy us if we don't do the dirty."

Scout sharply turned to face Demoman. "Well who the fuck do you think got us into this shitty situation? If anyone's got to bend over it's you!"

In his ire Scout allowed himself to take a proper look at his friend. Free from the confines of his woollen beanie, Demoman's afro sat thick on his head. His rich dark skin seemed so exotic to Scout, and after a decade of heavy lifting his body bulged with a muscle definition that Scout's own figure woefully lacked. How could the man look so natural in his nudity when Scout felt so exposed? He hunched over, his embarrassment was compounding by the second.

"Eh? Surely ye ain't suggestin' that ah'm the lassie? Look at ye! Ye've got the body of a 12 year old girl."

"Fuck you! You wish you looked this good."

Before they could continue slinging insults at each other, their minds were assaulted with yet another telepathic command.

~You have ten minutes to commence intercourse or disciplinary measures will be taken!~

Scout looked at Demoman, his eyes wild with panic. "Fuck, what are we gonna do?"

"I guess one o' us is going tae take it up the bum."

"Well it sure as hell isn't gonna be me!"

"It's something I ain't partial to meself."

Scout was silent for a minute as he weighed up his options. "Okay, I have an idea. Scissors paper rock?"

It was as good a plan as any, so they held out their fists and steeled themselves as they prepared for the fight of their lives.

"When I say start, okay? No jumpin' the gun here. If you cheat I willkill you."

Demoman raised his hand in a mock salute. "Aye aye, captain'."

Scout took a deep breath and then began.

"Scissors…"

"Paper…"

"Rock!"

Scout's fist remained scrunched up in a tight ball. He looked across from his hand to see Demoman holding out his open, flat palm.

"Paper beats rock," he grinned and wrapped his wide palm over Scout's shaking fist.

"Fuck," he hissed pulling his hand away. "Best two out of three?"

"A deal's a deal. No backsies now." Demoman inched closer, closing the space between him and Scout. It took all of Scout's power not to shirk away from his advances. "It dinnae have to be bad," soothed Demoman as he ran a hand down Scout's arm. "It could even be a bit o' fun."

Scout's skin tingled at the contact but he still felt it prudent to keep up his defences. "If you're not a queer you sure are talkin' like one."

Demoman sighed. "Well tha' settles it. We'll make it quick, nasty and make sure tae never speak o' it again. Lie down. Ah'll see if there be anythin' tae help 'park the car' if ye know what I mean."

Demoman jumped off the bed and made his way over to the side table to rummage through the drawers. Scout made sure to brush away all the stupid rose petals before lying chest down in the middle of the bed. He buried his face in his arms and pretended he wasn't inside an alien spacecraft about to be violated by a black Scottish Cyclops. His heart hammered at the thought of it. He peeked over his shoulder to sneak a glance at the bare Scotsman. He squinted until his eyes were blurry in a desperate attempt to find any feminine appeal about the man. Maybe, if he didn't move, the curvature of Demoman's well-formed backside could almost, almostlook sexy.

At that point Demoman turned around, making it only too apparent how much of a man he was. Scout buried his face in his hands. "Oh god…"

"Hell on a stick! Ah dinnae know what these monsters are expectin' from us." Demoman started to pull out a variety of obscene objects from the drawer, including, but not limited to, a variety of women's undergarments, a six inch purple strap-on and a range of colourful anal beads. "Ah ha! Finally somethin' tha' will help."

"A way out of this?"

"Almost." He pulled out a large bottle of amber malt whiskey, cracked the seal and proceeded to down it without stopping for a breath.

"Whoa, hey! Give me some of that."

Reluctantly Demoman handed the bottle over to Scout. He drank with determination and only paused to shudder before he finished off the rest of it. With a bit more courage brewing in his belly he threw the bottle across the room and gripped the bed sheets, eyes focused on the headboard. "Let's just fuckin' do this and go home."

"Easier said than done laddie." Demoman continued to rifle through the draw until he finally found what he was looking for. He returned to the bed with a small bottle of massage oil in hand.

Scout looked down at it. "What's that for?"

Demoman couldn't help but smirk, amused at Scout's ignorance. "Ye've really never done a lassie up the backside? Trust me, we'll need this."

Scout looked away, red in the face. "Just shut up and get on with it."

"Ye know," started Demoman as he chanced a touch against the pale skin of Scout's exposed back, "ye lucky ah'm in charge. When it comes to doin' the dirty, I'm in the league o' legends."

"You keep tellin' yourself that." Scout made every effort not to look at Demoman and tried to believe that those calloused hands travelling down his body didn't feel so nice. Demoman rubbed his back affectionately, but was kind enough to steer clear of any of the more intimate parts of Scout's body. Scout still clung to the hope that this was all just a very strange dream, and soon he'd wake up in his own bed, safe and unmolested.

His ears perked up when he heard some familiar and unsettling noises. He looked over his shoulder and immediately wished he hadn't.

Demoman had spread a generous dollop of oil on his palm, and now languorously stroking his semi-hard erection. He knelt between Scout's spread legs looking far too content for the boy's comfort.

"Aww gross man!"

Demoman paused and looked down at Scout with irritation. "Well how else am I supposed tae do this?"

Scout didn't have an answer for that. He buried his head in his arms again, praying that it would be over fast.

As Demoman took the time to prepare himself, he decided that Scout's lean figure wasn't unappealing at all. He'd certainly been with far less attractive women. If he ignored the boy's obvious masculine features and focused on the narrow taper of his hips and the slenderness of his limbs, it was something he could definitely get behind. He decided to extend some sympathy to the boy who was clearly having a much more difficult time with this.

"Listen laddie, get on yer knees."

"Oh god," Scout repeated, but he did as Demoman commanded. He managed to rest his weight on his arms and looked just about ready to faint.

"Relax, ah'm not bummin' ye just yet."

With warm oil still dripping on his fingers, he snaked a hand around Scout's waist and took a hold of his limp cock.

Scout nearly jumped out of his skin. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"A bit o' tit-fer-tat. Ye'll be thanking me soon enough."

"Aw geeze!" Scout's attention-starved body didn't take long to respond. Very soon Scout was trying not to buck into Demoman's dexterous grip. It was odd how naturally their bodies fit against one another. While one hand worked Scout, Demoman became bolder in his explorations. He traced Scout's rib cage, relishing the sounds of the ragged pants he was eliciting from the boy. He rested his forehead against Scout's shoulder blades and felt the warmth radiate from his skin. His wandering hand worked its way further down Scout until at it came to rest rather pleasantly on the curve of his buttocks.

It was at that point the aliens decided to interject with another telepathic transmission. ~Your efforts are pleasing us. Continue all activities.~

The men immediately froze and became acutely aware of what they were doing.

"Well tha's a mood killer."

Scout swallowed thickly. "Maybe we should just… just do it and get it over with."

In all honesty Demoman didn't want to be so hasty with the kid. He had gone long enough without physical contact that he wasn't so eager to cut things short with Scout. But Scout did have a point. The threat of an alien execution did make you want to hurry things along.

"Okay. Ah suppose we should. Ah'll try to be as gentle as I can with ye. It is ye first time after all."

"I amgoing to kill you when this is over."

After Demoman reapplied a generous amount of oil on himself, he now had the onerous task of preparing Scout and at the same time convincing him that it wasn't going to be so bad. Somehow he didn't think his roguish Highlander dirty talk, which worked so well on the ladies, would have quite the same effect on Scout.

He made sure to slick his fingers properly before attempting to work one inside Scout.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Scout instinctively pulled away from Demoman's invasive fingers.

"Ye gonnae have to relax, or it won't be much fun for either o' us."

"That's easy for you to say. No one's trying to stick a telegraph pole up yourass."

"Just trust me. Ah promise it will feel alright."

Scout took a deep breath, and to his credit made a decent effort to calm down. Demoman managed to wiggle two fingers in with only minor profanity from Scout. He was growing increasingly excited about the prospect of a getting a decent shag. Still, he thought it wiser not to voice these thoughts to Scout.

"How ye feeling?"

Scout gripped the headboard so tightly his knuckles were white. "Fuckin' roses and sunshine."

Demoman grinned, glad to see that the kid hadn't lost his cocksure attitude. In a way he was looking forward to the opportunity to show Scout who was in charge. "Ah'm gonna put it in now. Remember, relax."

Ever so gently Demoman tilted his hips forward and felt himself sink into Scout. He groaned at the sensation. His hands rested on Scout's hips, and he admired the way they contrasted so strikingly against Scout's white skin.

Scout however was not having such a good time. "Fuck!" He hissed, unable to stop himself tensing in shock.

"Fookin budgie balls! Wha did ah tell you aboot relaxin'? It feel like ah've put me bloody cock in a vise!"

"Oh does it? Well I beg your fucking pardon but someone has just shoved a brick up my ass!"

They were caught in an unfortunate deadlock. Demoman desperately wanted to start moving, but Scout wasn't quite ready to let that happen. Demoman used the interim to admire the alien décor. He decided that chrome plating left the room cold and uninviting. A fresh coat of paint and some throw rugs would do the place wonders.

"Okay," breathed Scout who was finally starting to adjust to the intrusion. "Fuckin' move or whatever."

Finally, finally Demoman started to rock his hips. His eye fluttered shut as he savoured the exquisite pressure enveloping his cock. It had been a while since he'd done this and he made a mental note to do a lot more of it when they got back down to Earth. He decided that Scout could handle a little more and hastened the tempo.

"Ow. Ow. Ow." Mumbled Scout as the bed creaked in time.

Demoman wasn't completely heartless. His hand returned to Scout's cock, which had not surprisingly wilted. Scout was virile enough that it only took a few strokes to coax it back to life. He expressed his gratitude with a few muffled grunts.

Demoman was so overcome with bliss that he couldn't contain his colourful bed talk. "Yeah, ye like that, dontcha? Ye want me tae fook ye all night."

"For the love of god shut up."

Demoman did a masterful job of tending to Scout while maintaining a steady pace. He rolled his hips in just the right way that Scout squawked in surprise.

"Fuuuck." Scout was starting to get breathless. One of his hands left the headboard to join Demoman's. They stroked his cock in tandem. He was starting to get very close.

"Oh god oh god!" Unable to control himself he choked out a sob and came with unprecedented intensity. Hot droplets of come splashed against the pink silk bed sheets.

Demoman wasn't far behind him. He placed his newly liberated hand back on Scout's hip and really picked up the pace. He caught his own reflection in the shiny metal of the walls and was treated to the sight of himself mercilessly thrusting into Scout.

That tipped him over the edge. "Freeeedom!" He wailed as he enjoyed one of his more memorable orgasms.

He collapsed on top of Scout, panting like he had just run a marathon. "Oh me lord," he ran a hand through his sweat soaked afro. "Ah needed that."

"Get off me, ya dumbass." Scout squirmed out from under Demoman, still a little shell-shocked. It was only until he had made himself comfortable that he noticed sticky come running down his thighs. "Oh sick!" He recoiled in disgust before frantically using the bedding to wipe it off.

"Ah, don't be like that," said Demoman as he rested his head against a fluffy heart-shaped pillow. He beckoned Scout over with an eyebrow wiggle. "Come have a cuddle."

The other pillow hit him square in the face.

~Research is complete. Please prepare for decontamination.~

Scout and Demoman weren't given a moment to compose themselves. The bed immediately sank into the floor and the side tables returned with it. The men were left nursing their bruised behinds after they landed buck-naked on the cold silver floor.

Scout watched as a long hose extended from the roof. He shuffled over to it and tapped it curiously. "What the?"

Demoman was a bit quicker on the uptake. "It's the death ray! They're gonnae melt the eyes from our heads!"

It turned out that Scout had just enough energy left to be scared for his life. "Oh god! I'm too young to die!"

With nowhere else to go, they ran around the dome in naked circles with their arms raised over their heads. After recent activities Scout struggled to keep up the pace, and eventually could only limp in panic.

The sounds of the charging laser cannon reverberated through the dome "This is it boy," said Demoman with a teary eye. "We're as good as toast. If there's one thing ah regret, it's not blowin' up more things."

Scout was starting to feel weepy himself. "I could'a bonked so many more skulls. And I never thanked my Ma for all those sweaters she sent me."

Demoman pulled him into a crushing hug. They sobbed as they bid their farewells together.

The cannon ejected, covering the men head-to-toe in viscous white foam. They blinked in surprise like two startled snowmen.

The dome door slid open again before the aliens came forward. A wave of fog rolled in as dramatically as it had the first time. They stared down at the foam-encased men, their strange eyes unreadable.

~We are most grateful for your cooperation. We can assure you that we recorded everything in greatdetail. We are most meticulous about applying the proper scientific method. Yes, we will be enjoying the data we have collected for many years to come.~

"Mmph mmph." Said Scout.

~As a reward we have decided to return you to your planet. You may inform your kind of your selfless deeds and be celebrated as diplomats of your species.~

The aliens moved away from the men, waving their tendrils in the air in farewell. The room filled with a blinding light before the floor moved out from beneath them. A rush of wind filled their ears and before they knew it they were back on the desert floor, naked and covered in foam. They looked up only to catch a glimpse of the spacecraft flashing across the sky. Then it was gone.

A lone coyote howled in the distance...

Demoman was the first into the mess hall that morning. A purple bag sat under his eye from a sleepless night. He reached over to pour himself a cup of coffee, but his hands trembled so violently he only managed to spill it on the table.

Sniper walked in with a paper under his arm. He tipped his hat and looked curiously at the uncharacteristically rattled man. "So I heard you and Scout went out alien hunting last night. Find anything?"

They were interrupted when Scout walked in. He took one look at Demoman before choosing a seat at the furthest end on the table. He very tentatively began to sit down, wincing as he went.

"We dinnae see nothing." Said Demoman, not making eye contact with Scout. "They're fairytales anyway."