Kensi walked into her cluttered house with tears welling in her eyes. Her emotion though was not just sadness. It was a mix
of frustration, anger, betrayal and what could only be described as nausea. Throwing her keys on to the couch, slamming the
door behind her, she tried with all her might to fight back the burning in her eyes and keep down the dozen doughnuts she
ate tonight. The more she tried not to think about it, the more she thought about it. The more she thought about it, the
more she had the urge to throw up. As she rushed into her bathroom, staring down her toilet. She questioned what the hell
was wrong with her? She was Kick Ass Kensi. She was Badass Blye. Okay so no one actually called her that but for so long her
walls had warded off emotion that maybe she believed that her walls were impenatrable. She had protected herself from
whatever this was and whatever this was not Kensi Marie Blye. Tonight she realized that she had been so wrong. The flirting,
the banter, the telling looks, everything she had convinced herself was nothing, was in fact something. Something that right
now sat in the pit of her stomach and made her sick.
For him it was just another case, another cover, another girl and hey if a guy can't kiss a pretty girl undercover then
whats the point. For her it stung, it burned. She was angry, so angry but not at Deeks. Well, okay a little at Deeks but mostly
at herself. This was not her. Kensi did not have feelings for her partner. She did not let her emotions interfere with the thing
that she loved the most in the world, her job. Her job had saved her when Jack left and she hoped and prayed that her job
could save her from whatever this was.
As she tried to compose herself, Kensi kept telling herself that Deeks was doing his job, that he had play the part. He
had to touch her, he had to smile, flirt and kis... Oh god she couldn't finish the thought without feeling her dinner coming up.
Yes one could argue it was because a person wasn't meant to ingest that much sugar but surveillance was usually boring and
a girl needed to stay up. Unfortunately, tonight she didn't need anything to keep her eyes fixed on her partner and the
informant Lisa. Pff Lisa what a stupid name anyway. She immediately went to the chips in her pantry. She needed to balance
all the sugar with something salty plus she needed a beer or 5 and chips go so well with beer. As she rationalized her poor
eating habits, she could hear him in her head, teasing her about how sugar and salt aren't exactly food groups or components
of a balanced diet. She hating thinking, thinking about not thinking about him. Kensi paced back and forth trying to focus on
anything but the images of his partner all over another woman. They were chasing her down and if she didn't get out she just
go crazy.
Kensi ran that night. She ran long and hard. It started to rain and she didn't care. It actually felt good she thought.
The cold drops of rain bearing down on her brought unexpected clarity. Her anger faded and left behind an ache. That feeling
she knew all too well but that feeling she could compress, feed with ice cream and put away for no one to see. She knew
what she needed but saddened her to accept it because her partner was her best friend and granted a pain in the ass but her
pain in the ass. He was the best part of her day sometimes and the only one who could make her laugh so hard she thought
she might pass out from lack of oxygen. But her Deeks had also become this ache in heart and that would not do. Kensi
needed space, me time, breathing room. Yes, space she thought. "That is how Stella got her groove back, right?!" Kensi
thought immediately went to Taye Diggs and that smile of his and was like "no! Now that's how to get your groove back".
She didn't know Taye Diggs availability so she would settle for space. With her mind made up, Kensi vowed to rebuild the
chinks in her armor that Deeks had managed to dent.