Disclaimer: The Raccoons and all associated characters are the property of Evergreen Raccoons Marketing and have been used without permission. Unless otherwise stated, any character not from the Raccoons television series is mine but may be used if requested. The following is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. This work is solely for the entertainment of the author and his readers and no money is either being or to be made from this work.
The Raccoons
Trapped on Mount Vulcan
Bert Raccoon stood in front of the bathroom sink with a towel wrapped around his waist as he wiped some condensation off the bathroom mirror. He looked in the mirror examining the black fur around his eyes trying to make sure there was no crust or other embarrassing fluids. Once satisfied he was presentable he donned one of his trademark red sweaters with a yellow letter B on the front and undid the towel from his waist rehanging it on its hook so poorly on the rack that it immediately fell to the floor.
Bert did not have time to worry about such mundane matters such as picking up his things today. He was very close to being late to pick up his friend Lisa for their hike to the top of Mount Vulcan the local dormant volcano that had numerous warm and hot springs near the summit. It was also jokingly referred to as the location where half the Evergreen Forest's population got their start though that may have been a slight exaggeration.
He checked his room one last time making sure he had packed everything he would need for the trip. Once sure this was the case he grabbed his backpack that he had, uncharacteristically for him, packed the night before fully expecting to be running late this morning.
"Goodbye Melissa, Goodbye Ralph!" he yelled out to his house mates as he bounded down the stairs leaping every second one.
"Goodness Bert," Melissa said as he steamed past her, nearly knocking her down, "where are you off to in such a hurry?"
Bert stopped and faced Melissa, "Lisa and I are hiking to the summit of Mount Vulcan for the weekend." Bert flushed a little under his fur. There were many reasons for going up to the springs but everyone would assume couples went up there for one big reason.
Melissa understood this as well she and her husband Ralph had gone up there more than a couple times. "Oh, so that explains your enthusiasm. Well have, fun, up there you two," Melissa teased, emphasizing the word fun.
"We will Melissa," Bert said as he practically jumped through the door closing it behind him.
###
Down the road a bit from the raccoondomium Lisa Raccoon was also getting ready for her trip. She was just finishing up packing her backpack when her mother came to the door of her bedroom.
"Are you ready to go Lisa dear?"
"Almost mom. I just have to pack a few more things," she said as she continued packing.
"It is a shame you two will not be here for the fall festival."
"After last year, Bert wanted to be as far away from it as possible." Lisa finished packing and put on her backpack. She turned to face her mother, "Have you ever been up to the hot springs on Mount Vulcan, mom?"
"Once, it is very beautiful up there and there are lots of hot springs. I'm sure you will love it. I remember when your father took me up up there. It was so romantic." Nicole went a little blurry eyed at the memory.
"Do I want to hear this?" Lisa was almost certain she didn't.
"We spent the entire time..." Nicole trailed off, "well let's put it this way we came back with you, though we did not know it for a couple months."
"I did not want to hear that."
"I can tell you the spot where I think it happened."
A knock at the door indicated Bert had arrived and Lisa decided to make her escape lest she discover something she did not want to know, ever. "Gotta go mom, Bert's here. Tell dad I love him, tell Bentley... well tell dad I love him."
"I will tell Bentley you at least thought of him." Nicole said as Lisa meet Bert. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and they began their hike. After they had left Nicole clasped her hands together, "My baby is going home to spawn."
###
Bentley Raccoon stood in front of a presentation screen discussing his, and Cyril Sneer's, latest get rich quick scheme. At one side of the conference room table sat Cyril Sneer his son Cedric and Cyril's three hench pigs. Bentley did not know their names and never cared to ask not that anyone else in the Evergreen Forest did either. On the other side of the table were three military officers. The first was a formidable looking bulldog who looked every inch the general that he was. The second was a poodle who, the uniform aside, looked every bit not a military officer as the bulldog looked. The third officer was obviously ranked lower than the other two as he seemed to be carrying their things and providing for their upkeep.
Bentley clicked the button on the slide projector remote advancing the last slide ending his portion of the presentation. "In conclusion the Sneer waste disposal system will provide you with an efficient and effective means of disposal of highly regulated waste. Our unique system injects such matter into a magma chamber and allows the heat and pressure inside the volcano to safely break down toxic materials and whisk it away using natural convection currents. Are there any questions?"
One of the pigs flipped the light switch from dim to full temporarily blinding all the inhabitants of the room. The bulldog general spoke, "I don't think we have any questions after that presentation but can we see it in action?"
"Of course you can, general Cuddle." Cyril said as he stood from his chair.
"It's Cuddel. With a long U sound." the general said gruffly he did not like that his name was so often confused with cuddle.
"Of course general," Cyril gulped hoping that his faux pas would not derail the deal, "we'd be happy to give you a demonstration."
The attendees filed out from the conference room to the factory floor. Where a very large electromagnetic rail gun burrowed into the floor. Around it were, in military precision, neat rows and stacks hundreds of what looked like bombs or missile warheads. "As you can see, general," Cyril started his pitch again, "my employees have the situation well in hand. We'll take care of your, uh, want exactly are these things?"
"Chemical weapons." The bulldog general stated matter of factly causing the three pigs who had taken to leaning against the shells to squeal in terror and scurry away. "We can't use them anymore because of the liberals."
Cyril harrumphed, "My tax dollars at work," as he knocked on the top of one shell with his fist. The poodle officer shook his head silently as an indication that was not something he should do. Realizing what he was banging on caused Cyril to pull back fearfully.
Bentley for his part showed little interest in the shells and warheads. His interest lay in the computer that controlled the rail gun. Bentley began the next part of the presentation, "The Sneer waste disposal system utilizes a high velocity rail gun as seen over there to inject a projectile into the magma chamber deep below the ground. There high pressure and heat break down the chemical compounds rendering the waste products inert and they are carried to the center of the Earth. We are going to do a test firing by sending down a scientific Pipeline Instrumentation Gauge or PIG for short."
The pigs were placing a scientific probe into a metallic tube and placed that into the cradle of the rail gun closing the cover last. The pigs stepped away from the rail gun and gave Bentley a thumbs up sign. "Please mind anything made of metal." Bentley said as he prepped the electromagnetic rail gun to fire.
The rail gun was powered by its own separate generator that was in turn powered by a large diesel motor. The motor was definitely not on the quiet side and the officers, the Sneers and the pigs all covered their ears. No doubt they were breaking some sort of safety law but the generator motor would only be on for a short time and it wasn't worth it to put in earplugs.
When the rail gun was fully charged Bentley pressed the trigger button and it made a loud popping sound. The cradle of the rail gun was now empty. Bentley, Cyril and their guests watched the computer monitor as the PIG sent back data. Eventually the data flow stopped indicating the PIG had been destroyed under the heat and pressure of the magma chamber. "And that is all it takes to safely dispose of your waste."
"That's amazing how did you come up with this?" the bulldog general asked.
Cyril answered, "We were contacted by Evergreen University's department of geology. They wanted to drill into the volcano's magma chamber and we were interested in disposing of toxic waste that didn't involve dumping it in the local fishing hole." Cyril aimed that barb right at the pigs. Who tried to hide in shame. "After the local university collected their scientific data we got the go ahead to use this as a method of disposing of regulated waste. It is a win win situation for all involved general." Cyril spoke up as the officers watched the computer.
"Can you do this with anything?" The bulldog general asked.
"Theoretically yes. We can't do it with nuclear waste because we are not permitted to handle it. As for general garbage this method would be too expensive compared to existing options. However, there is no reason either of those could be done if certain conditions were met." Cyril was going all out to sell the business.
"Well if you can dispose of this we can undoubtedly get the top brass to send you more." The bulldog general said as he straightened himself up. "Sanders, let's get going I want to be back at base to start the holiday weekend." The two other officers snapped to attention, saluted and followed their commanding officer.
Cyril rubbed his hands together, "This is great! A government contract will allow me to get back some of that tax money I keep having to pay out every year."
"Plus it's good for the environment." Cedric pointed out the main selling point to the general public.
"I only care about my financial environment, Cedric." Cyril said to his son. "But for now we can take the rest of the weekend off."
"Oh boy!" the first pig exclaimed with joy, "a three day weekend."
"We can go to the Fall Festival now." the second pig chimed in.
"And relax in the sun," the third pig intoned.
All three pigs now complete with sunglasses, beach umbrellas and coolers march towards the door until they bumped into Cyril. "Where do you three ham hocks think you're going?"
"Vacation?" the three pigs collectively shuddered.
"BZZZTT! Wrong answer!" Cyril shouted imitating a game show buzzer. "You three are going to dispose of those bombs and I don't want you leaving until they are gone!"
"But, but, but, that will take all weekend!" pig two said dropping the beach umbrella he was carrying.
"No buts. I want this factory clean by Tuesday when you start the new workweek!" Cyril stormed out leaving the pigs to themselves.
"Oh rats!" pig one shouted as he threw down his sunglasses, "Now we'll never get to go to the fall festival."
"I have an idea. Let's put them in two at a time. Then it will only take half the time to finish." Pig two said. Offering what should have been considered a stupid idea.
"If we put three in at a time we can do it all in one day." pig three followed up.
"Great idea! We can finish early, clean the factory and the boss will never be the wiser." Pig one said.
"The boss might even give us a raise." pig two said as all three of the pigs began loading up the bombs in the rail gun's carriage. In anticipation of Cyril's praise and a raise.
Outside the factory Cyril, Cedric and Bentley gathered at the entranceway to the factory. The trio were quite pleased that the demonstration went well and that the customers were happy. "You two enjoy the weekend. I'm going to go over my books." Cyril's idea of books were his accounting books not reading for pleasure.
"Are you sure you don't want us to help with the disposal, pop?" Cedric asked ever mindful of the pigs untrustworthiness.
"No, you two deserve a break. Those three porkers can handle it." Cyril walked off.
"Well Bentley looks like we have the weekend off. I'll see you at the festival."
"Sure Cedric, I'll go get Bert and we can go to the festival together." Bentley ran off towards the raccoondominium.
"But Bentley," Cedric started to say but Bentley ran out of earshot, "Bert's not going to be there."
###
The Evergreen Forest's five member town council and the town mayor, Lady Baden-Baden, sat behind a table on a raised platform. A few of town's citizens were in the gallery including Schaeffer who was the proprietor of the Blue Spruce Café and the head of the town's civil defense committee. The speaker who who was currently presenting to the council was a diminutive squirrel wearing a suit who was with the Homeland Security Department and was attempting to get the town to improve its civil defense forces. The squirrel spoke in a fast high pitched voice that frequently went squeaky as he told the skeptical town council of the dangers posed by terrorists. "You must understand how important it is to implement the government's anti-terrorist measures."
"Why would terrorists want to attack our tiny town?" Lady Baden-Baden asked still skeptical that the town would be any safer after doing these expensive measures.
"Terrorists could be anywhere! They hate freedom and pervert their religion, which is a good and peaceful religion!" The diminutive squirrel ran around the room checking behind flags, under chairs and in potted plants.
In fact he was checking underneath Schaeffer who was by now asleep when Lady Baden-Baden said, "Mr. Bushytail, I fail to see how we can afford all of this. It simply is not something we can pay for."
The excited squirrel looked back from under Schaeffer who had just now woken up and wondered what was going on. "Implementing HSD's security plans comes with a federal grant to cover the costs!"
The prospect of getting federal money appealed to the town council and the mayor. "Schaeffer, can you come here?" Lady Baden-Baden asked. Schaeffer complied and went up to the platform to huddle with the town council. "Schaeffer," Lady Baden-Baden began, "we really need that federal grant money."
"For what Lady Baden-Baden? We aren't a target for terrorists it would just be wasted money." Schaeffer said.
"Because we can take the grant buy some cheap used anti terrorist equipment grab some old retired veterans who want to play soldier again to use it and the rest of the money we can use for town improvements, like expanding the water and sewer lines to the Blue Spruce Café."
Schaeffer had been trying to get the town water and sewer lines extended for some time now liked this idea, "OK I'm in." The group broke their huddle and the town council took their seats again.
Lady Baden-Baden spoke, "All those in favor of accepting the Homeland Security grant please say, Aye." The five council members voted Aye. "Those opposed say, Nay." Nothing was said. "The Ayes have it. Schaeffer you will be working with Mr. Bushytail."
Schaeffer extended his hand, "I look forward to working with you Mr..."
"Bushytail, George W. Bushytail, we'll get started right away! Those terrorists won't know what hit them. They hate freedom you know? I'll get my things we'll have quite a weekend!" George W. Bushytail exclaimed to Schaeffer as he made his way to the town hall exit. Glimpsing a potted plant the excitable squirrel jumped up with a bristled tail and exclaimed, "Terrorists!"
"This is going to be a long weekend." Schaeffer said as he shook his head.
###
Bentley bounded up to the raccoondominium calling out Bert's name, "Hey Bert! come on let's go to the Fall Festival! Bert!"
"Bentley what are you doing here?" Bentley's mother Nicole asked as she came out of the raccoondominium holding various cooking and food items.
"I'm looking for Bert. Isn't he up yet?"
"Bert's not here, Bentley." Melissa answered as she exited the raccoondominium also holding cooking and food items.
"He's already at the festival I bet, setting up the fireworks, I'll go help him."
"Bentley, he is not at the festival. He went up to the hot springs on Mount Vulcan with Lisa and they will be up there all weekend." His mother told him the bad news.
Bentley looked crestfallen his best friend was Bert and to not be able to spend the last weekend of summer with him was devastating to the young raccoon. "Oh I thought that we could spend the weekend together."
Nicole spoke again, "Well you cannot. They have already left."
"But if you want you can take care of Broo for the weekend. That would be big help for us." Melissa said to her nephew as she and Nicole walked past. "Ralph and I are going to be helping with your father's booth at the festival and won't be able to let him out during the day."
"Yeah, OK, Aunt Melissa." Bentley did not mind taking care of Broo but he was still disappointed that Bert was not going to be around for the weekend.
###
The Evergreen Forest's fairgrounds was the main hub of activity for the town today. Not surprisingly many business had either closed for the day or cut back their staffing; though their employees were now setting up booths, hanging banners, cooking or any number of other tasks. The smell of food cooking permeated the area and the area was a riot of sounds, hammering, sawing, the occasional swearing when a thumb got in the way of a hammer.
Ralph and George Raccoon tended to a BBQ pit cooking ribs as they drank beers. George would occasionally pour some onto the burning wood to add extra flavor the smoke. He was also brushing his supper secret sauce, available for purchase from his TV show, over a rack of ribs. "I sure do love slapping sauce on my meat." George said as he brushed Bar-B-Que sauce over the ribs. To the right of the Bar-B-Que pit George's younger brother Ralph sat on a pile of firewood.
Ralph rolled his eyes, "do all chefs say things like that when they cook?"
"Pretty much."
At that time Bentley wandered up to George's booth and sat down dejected. "Hey Bentley, what's up?" George asked his son.
"Nothing is. Bert went up to some hot springs with Lisa." Bentley kicked at a rock. "What fun could he possibly have up there with Lisa?" Bentley got up and wandered off leaving Ralph and George to themselves.
Ralph looked to George with a beer can to his lips, "you haven't told him about the birds and the bees yet have you?"
"I was hoping he would learn it at school or from his friends."
"George."
"I'll tell him, I'll tell him." George took a drink and poked at the ribs on the grill as he said, "someday," to himself.
###
General Cuddel signed the last few papers on his desk and stretched. He dropped the papers into his out box then walked over to the look out the blinds covering his office window. There were very few soldiers on base right now; the work week was over and the long weekend was about to begin. Or at least that is what he thought.
"Sir, we have a broken arrow." The poodle officer informed the bulldog general.
"What do you mean we have a broken arrow?" The general's brow furrowed.
"One of our tactical nuclear warheads is missing out of inventory." The poodle's voice quivered.
"Well find it! It can't just have gotten up and walked away! Cancel all leave for anyone still on base who has access to the nuclear bunker. I want every bit of dirt examined!"
"Yes sir!" The poodle saluted.
The general sat down at his desk. This was one of the worst things that could have happened. A broken arrow, the code for a missing nuclear weapon. He wanted to believe it was just a case of someone forgetting to enter a number on a piece of paper but he was an old veteran and knew that he had to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. "This is going to be a long weekend." The bulldog said as he shook his head.
A few hours later the poodle officer again entered the bulldog general's office. "Sir we have figured out what happened to the warhead."
"Go on."
"The warhead was accidentally mixed in with the shipment of chemical weapons that were sent for disposal."
"Accidentally sent with the chemical weapons?" The bulldog general asked in a very calm voice but it was plain he was keeping his rage suppressed.
"Yes sir," the poodle swallowed.
The general breathed out audibly, "Good, I'll call Cyril Sneer and have the weapon put aside and we can pick it up." The general picked up the phone and dialed.
###
Cyril sat at his desk in his home office going over his books grumbling to himself about taxes and government regulations. His Bluepoint Ridgeback Retriever, Snag, slept soundly next to the desk.
Snag woke with a start and looked around the room he began growling, barking and ended up scratching at the door as if he wanted to be let out.
"You stupid dog what is wrong now?" Cyril got up from his desk and angrily booted Snag out the office door.
Cyril grumbled as he returned to his desk where the telephone began ringing. "Hello."
"Mr. Sneer, it's General Cuddel."
"Ah General!" Cyril oozed, "what can I do for you?"
"I'd like for you to set aside one of the weapons that we shipped to you. It is lot number 166232474-DX."
"Yes of course I can but why? We have already begun disposal." Cyril said as he wrote down the number.
"Mr. Sneer it is imperative that you stop and isolate that lot number because it is a small nuclear weapon." The general sensed Cyril was not getting the urgency of the matter and decided to drop that bit of information.
Cyril nearly dropped the phone, "Of course general. I'll put a stop to it right away." Cyril hung up the phone and raced out of his office at all speed.
###
Bentley stood outside the raccoondominium watching Broo who was taking his time sniffing around at various trees. "C'mon Broo, hurry up. How long can it take to pick out a tree?" It's easy just pick one and..." Out of no where Bentley heard a sound that made him cringe and his fur stand on end.
"Hiiiiiiiiiii Bentleeeeeey!" the voice of a young girl raccoon called out.
"Ahh!" Bentley screamed shocked by the sudden intrusion, "What do you want Annie?" he said to the girl who was wearing blue overalls and a long sleeved striped shirt.
The girl raccoon was pleased that Bentley had acknowledged her and flashed Bentley a toothy grin. "I was wondering if you, uh, might, uh, be..."
While Annie was stammering out her question Broo started growling then ran off barking, "Broo, Broo! Where are you going?" Bentley disregarded the girl and chased after Broo.
"Bentley wait!" Annie called out as she ran after him.
Bentley finally caught up with Broo in the middle of a meadow where he was crouched down as if afraid of something. "Come on Broo you have to go back to the racccoondominium." Bentley grabbed at Broo's collar but the stubborn puppy refused to budge. "What's wrong with you Broo? I didn't bring your leash so you had better come along." Bentley tried using more force and Broo growled menacingly at him. "OK, That's weird." Bentley wisely pulled his hand back.
"What's weird?" Annie asked from behind Bentley almost out of breath.
"Broo has never acted like this before. He won't even come when I call him."
"If I can get him to come to me will you, uh, go to the dance tonight with me?"
"Heh, If you get that dog to move, sure, you'll deserve it."
"Come here Broo."she patted at her knees to call the puppy.
Broo immediately came to heel. Bentley slapped his palm against his face in disbelief. Not only was Broo back to normal but he was forced into going to the dance with Annie how could one raccoon be so unlucky? Bentley's luck was soon to turn far worse.
###
Far away from the town of Evergreen Forest Bert and Lisa turned back to look at where they had come from. The main forest was mostly pine but area around the local hot springs allowed for a wider array of other vegetation to take root and thrive because of longer growing periods than the rest of the forest. Soft grasses carpeted various areas where sunlight was able to penetrate the fir tree canopy and wild berries and even some wild grape arbors were able to thrive even in the high elevation. Needless to say the mountain was a veritable Eden of fruits and natural beauty.
"Oh Bert you can see the entire forest from up here it's so beautiful." Lisa said to Bert as she surveyed the entire forest.
"Yeah beautiful." Bert responded though his eyes were not on the Evergreen Forest.
"I can't believe this place hasn't been developed. Hot springs are usually a huge tourist draw and the view from up here is magnificent." Lisa said as she thumbed at the straps of her backpack.
"There have been plans to put hotels up here but the volcano is owned by the federal government and there are so many conflicting ownership claims that the mountain is landlocked. Technically we were trespassing on several peoples' property though most of the landowners don't care as long as you don't damage anything." Bert told Lisa though she probably did not care why the place was not developed. "We should be able to see the fireworks from up here though we won't hear any of the booms."
"Well maybe we won't have to worry about the town's fireworks if we make our own." Lisa joked as she brushed past on her way to the springs. The swishing of her tail gave a subtle hint to her innuendo. Bert caught her meaning as he too turned to follow Lisa up the path to the hot springs.
###
Cyril was not one who normally took the time to drive himself at least not when he had one or all of his three pigs to chauffeur him around. The pigs were, however, about to blow up the Evergreen Forest and he did not have time to find one of his bear employees to drive him. In fact he did not have time to obey reasonable speed limits for that matter as he tore down the mostly dirt roads between Sneer Mansion and the factory.
The main roads into town were packed with traffic making its way to the Fall Festival so Cyril had to make due with the back roads. Anger and terror boiled inside of him as he imagined the pigs accidentally setting off the atomic bomb. Cyril was determined to stop them. Blowing up the town and everyone in it would definitely be bad for business.
Cyril made it to the factory in near record time feverishly hoping he would be able to stop the pigs. He slammed on the brakes and skidded to a stop shifting the transmission into park but not even bothering to shut off the engine. Bursting through the door and waving his hands he shouted, "Stop!"
Pigs two and three were loading the last of the containers into the railgun's cradle. Pig one was at the controls. "What did the boss say?" Pig three asked shouting over the loud rumble of the electromagnet's generator and the earplugs all three pigs were wearing.
"That he wants us to finish our jobs!" Pig two shouted back.
"We're about to finish this off and the boss will be so impressed we're definitely going to get a big raise!" Pig one said as he put his finger to the button. Not even noticing Cyril's sprint across the factory and his vehement attempts to get their attention. "Here goes."
"NOOOOOOOO!" Cyril shouted as Pig one pushed the button.
To Be Continued