The sun was setting in the horizon and a Saturday night of fun was sure to be had by all. Ya know, except for me. Yes, this was the amazing night that me, Edward the ultimate bachelor, was going to not be a part of. All this disappointment because I had to play "Uncle Eddie". Yes, Emmett was the total dumb ass that had drilled that horrific name into his and Alice's children's heads. I loathed him for it.
"Well, the juice is in the fridge... the kid cuisine is in the freezer... and please try to remember not to give Jamie ANY sweets." Rose was giving me this damn drill for their kids that God knows I was not listening to a word of. She seemed to grasp that fact when she came dangerously close to my face and peered over her Gucci shades. Why the woman would wear those damn bug glasses at night was beyond me, but it was just more proof that she was Emmett's kind of girl and not mine... at all. "Actually, Eddie... Jamie and refined sugars go great together. Try giving her some right before bed to get her nice and comfy," she spat, strutting out the door while the rest of my family had the decency to at least look guilty of this kind of torture.
God, what a violent and demanding woman... I would never date a girl like her. Or actually, I would never dare to be around a woman like her, let alone marry her. Gah... Marriage. Just the sound of the word sent shivers down my spine. Institutionalized torture was what it was. It was a way of trapping the man to stick with the woman no matter how annoying and ugly she got in time.
After all the goodbyes to the little brats everyone was heading out the door until Emmett was the only one left by the threshold. He smiled at me and for a second I thought I was off the hook. I could have kissed his feet I was so ecstatic. I was about to turn to get my jacket to join them when I realized he looked a little bit too happy. Well shit.
"Hahaha sorry man, but you're stuck on this one." He went to grab his "pimpin' hat" as he called it, that he couldn't be parted with when going out. He turned back to give me a lopsided smile and continued out the door. Right when the door to my now nonexistent nightlife was about to close, he stopped and opened it just enough to fit his big head through. Might as well just open the whole damn door up again, it's not like I'm going to sneak off with you blocking my way.
"Oh, almost forgot. Rosie's friend from high school is coming over soon to help you watch the little rascals. Not to say that we don't trust you with our kids or anything..." his nervous sideways glance didn't faze me. He rushed through his next words like he was confessing to a murder. "...Okay, fine. I trust you with our kids, but Rosie doesn't. So don't blame me, alright? I'll still be expecting a decent Christmas present this year."
He gave me that classic "no worries" smile and went to close the door yet again, only to stop and open it a crack. "Oh, and be nice to her Eddie. No Mr.-rod-up-my-ass Cullen alright? Cuz If you mess up I get blasted for being guilty by association, comprende amigo?" He at least waited for me to nod before yelling "Later dude" over his shoulder and finally closing that damn door.
I took a deep breath and walked toward where the little demons were speaking very loudly in their native sadistic languages.
"OMIGOSH! SHUT UP BRANDON!"
"MAKE ME, YOU LITTLE BRAT!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
"JUST GIVE HER BACK HER BARBIE DOLL AND STOP BEING A JERK!"
"I'M NOT BEING A JERK, YOU TWIT. AND I JUST WANTED TO SEE IT!"
"GOOD, YOU SAW IT. NOW GIVE IT BACK TO HER!"
"NOT LONG ENOUGH, I JUST GOT IT! GOD STOP BEING SO ANNOYING!"
"I'M NOT ANNOYING! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE EVEN SIBLINGS!"
"Where'd you hear that? Didn't you know? You were adopted at the pound cuz they couldn't tell if you were human or ugly butt race. We tried returning you but-"
"OMIGOSH! BRANDON! SHUT UP! I'LL TELL!"
I had let this little elfish argument of theirs carry on for a good three minutes so far while leaning against the doorway to the living room. The angst and desperation on their faces was so riveting it almost blocked out the annoying cries of the little shrimpy one. Has to be Alice's kid. No other person could come close to crying that obnoxiously.
The two loudest ones... I think their names were Bobby and Victoria or something like that, rounded on me with fierce faces that made me remember why I hated midgets.
"Uncle Eddie, Brandon won't give-"
"Are you serious?! You're really telling on me? How old are you? Four or someth-"
"Yes I'm telling on you. Mommy told me to tell Uncle Eddie if you were being like daddy again. So, like I was saying til I was RUDELY INTERRUPTED... Brandon stole Jamie's-"
"I DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING VERONICA! STOP LYING, YOU LITTLE BRAT!"
"I AM NOT A BRAT! I'M JUST BEING A DELIVERER OF JUSTICE..."
It seemed that these arguments of theirs were very repetitive and for the most part could have just been tivo-ed for their similarity. The crying from... Jamie...? I think that's her name. Anyways, it was getting ridiculous with the battle cries of the other two little shits. Brandon and ...Veronica... yeaaa those two, they were driving me up the wall more than the little crying shit. The noise was finally too much for me and I shrugged away from the wall.
The yelling followed me into the kitchen and I decided that it was time to nourish the troops and send them to their tents as soon as possible. I couldn't deal with their whiney little voices and a migraine was searing its way through my head. The nasty frozen crap that was supposedly designed for their little brains was being thawed out on the counter and I figured getting them something to drink would get them to shut up for a few seconds. I mean, they couldn't scream and drink at the same time... could they? Okay, so experienced pub patrons could probably figure it out, but these little shrimps shouldn't be able to.
I smiled to myself at the idea of even a second of quiet. "Hey, shi- kids, come get something to drink. Your throats have to be sore after screaming' like that, right?" Thank god they took the bait and came running through the doorway seconds later trailing behind the whiner.
Veronica obediently took her cup and even managed to fix the midget a smaller cup of the juice with a top on it that looked quite durable. She caught me watching her actions and felt the need to give me a scientific explanation. Little shit... "It's called a sippy cup. It prevents her from spilling on any surfaces and herself. It's the smartest choice for little kids like her that aren't completely coordinated yet."
I watched the midget during the lecture and found it odd that she was looking right back at me. Her huge eyes were glued to mine as she continued to slurp from that squeaky pony cup. I was so glued to her actions that I noticed her pop the top of the cup out to take a deep breath and then continue with her previous actions. I was jolted from my completely silent conversation with the shrimp by the doorbell ringing. It didn't just ring though, it sounded like fucking Notre Dame bells on Easter Sunday. Gay-ass-shit... stupid Emmett.
I left the kids in the kitchen and walked over to the door. Maybe Emmett ordered me pizza for watching his brats for a night, right? Hahahaha yea, I wish. I peeked a bit by looking through the fogged glass and saw a smallish figure with dark hair. Pizza lady? No, no pizza. Emmett isn't that nice... I opened the door and was met by the sweet early evening breeze and possibly the most attractive woman I had ever seen in my life.
I busied myself quickly enough by checking out the babe in front of me. Hot didn't even come close to doing her justice and neither did any other words I had learned in all my many years of education. She had a softly curved face surrounded by a some-what messy mop of brown hair that seemed to shine gold in the porch light. She was a good head shorter than me but made up for height in leg, which she annoyingly had covered in not-so-skin-tight jeans. Damn…
She cleared her throat and gave me a scrutinizing glance. "Hi, can I help you in any way possible?" I managed to nearly choke out. Okay, so I kinda digged this chick.
"Yes. Hi, my name's Bella. Nice to meet you." We shook hands and the warm spark I felt was snatched away from me along with her hand sooner than I would have liked. "Oh, and Rose called me and asked me to help watch the kids for a while." Her cheeks turned a soft pink color as I let her through the door. "You're the infamous "Uncle Eddie", right?!" she said, quickly trying to hide her teasing smirk. Oh, I saw that you little vixen, you.
"Well, the family likes to make some sick jokes but I actually go by Edwar-" A crash coming from the kitchen managed to stop time and for a single glorious second everything was absolutely still, until... "I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WAS TOTALLY BRANDON!!!" "ME?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! I DIDN'T BREAK IT! I WAS JUST GETTING A BENDY STRAW! I DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING!" And of course in the background of all of this was that damn crying again.
I felt something brush past me and immediately was hit with the most inciting scent I had ever inhaled. And that's saying something since it used to be mom's pot roast, but this sweet flowery aroma just couldn't be contended with. Sorry mom, but I found something a bit more delicious...
I decided it would be best to follow her deeper into the abyss of the demon spawn. All to protect my new damsel in distress, of course. Her quick steps cost her, however, because the second she walked into the kitchen she slipped on what seemed to be the reason for my blessed second of silence earlier.
A good quarter of the kitchen was covered in glass shards and what looked to be chocolate pudding. The little hell monkeys were laughing at Bella's position and I carefully made my way around the mess to make sure the tormenting didn't affect her too much. As I made my way in front of her and put my hand out for her to take, she hid her face behind a curtain of hair and sat for a few seconds longer. Suddenly an extra tinkling was added to the demonic guffaws that together sounded like a symphony.
Her face finally broke through the curtain and a huge eye crinkled smile met my befuddled one. She had splotches of chocolate pudding all on her face, clothes, and even a small clump in her hair. It had to be the hottest thing I had ever seen. Which was weird... considering I was supposed to be this amazing bachelor and all... Who was this chick?
I eventually helped her up and expected a generous thank you, only to be disappointed when she smiled and turned on her heel to face the kids. If you can even call them that... fiends. I was seriously not what you would call "kid friendly" but i tried.
"So, because I know that neither one of you will admit to this mess," she placed her hand delicately on her hip and continued. "Who here wants to help clean up the pudding for an extra 5 minutes before bedtime, while Eddie and I clean up the glass?" She winked at me beside her and it almost made me forget about her name-botchery. Almost.
"Make it 10 minutes and I'm in," Brandon replied, trying to act suave. "Add a bedtime story too and I'm good," Veronica couldn't help but add to the bargain. The two then turned to the shrimp as if they expected her to speak. I hadn't heard her speak yet, so I had my doubts. Bella approached Jamie face to face and asked with a teasing smile, "And just what is it that you want for you cleaning services, princess?" Her chubby cheeks pouted out in thought and then deflated minimally to open her mouth without screams for the first time tonight until she caught my eye. She made a face and turned to Bella to whisper her request. Bella's soft laughter rang through my system joyfully and managed to tug a smirk onto my lips.
"Alright lovely, I think we might be able to arrange that," she said and tapped Jamie's nose gently while standing up straight again to address all the munchkins. "So, do we have a deal? You'll help clean the pudding while us old folks get the sharp glass?" her statement got an instant rise out of Veronica. "You're not old aunt B!" And not to be outdone... "Yea aunt B, Uncle Eddie is old but you don't look a day over 12." Definitely Emmett's kid... he always was bad at these kinds of things... I managed to control the instinct to roll my eyes long enough to see a slight blush appear on Bella's face and the somewhat guilty smile she threw me.
"Alright, enough. Let's get to work already. Brandon," he saluted her. "You go get the mop and bucket with water." "Ma'am yes, Ma'am," and he marched right out of the kitchen. Obnoxious brat number 1. "Veronica, can you go get the anti-bacterial spray from the cabinet please?" "No prob. aunt B" and she too left the kitchen. Brown-noser brat number 2. All that was left was the shrimp. I watched, enthralled, as Bella crouched down to speak at Jamie's level. "Jamie, do you think you can get the paper towels for me, love?" Love... she said love and somehow it sounded a billion times better coming from her mouth than anyone else's. Just the way she slightly slurred the L made it sound heavenly.
I snapped out of my daydream to see the shrimp running out the doorway to fulfill her duties, as small as they may be. "Well, I guess we better get this glass cleaned up before hell's messengers return, hmm?" I got her to laugh as I helped her up and out of her crouching position to start on our cleaning. I placed the trash can at the heart of the mess and worked my way in. Bella and I were left to our own sections and only interacted when I decided it would be funny to flick just a little bit more pudding on her already very sugar-covered face. Our pudding-flicking escapades lasted a good two minutes til we caught the kids all lined up and staring at us. The kitchen was a little stuffier after that and Bella stayed a good five feet from me the rest of the time. Damn kids...
Together we cleaned the kitchen, got the kids fed, and somehow managed to get through bath time without getting soaked to the bone. Getting the devils into sleepwear wasn't as bad as it could have been with Bella's quick thinking, "I pinky-promise you Jamie, all princesses wear Care Bear pajamas when they're growing up." She was just a freakin genius with the kids and she knew it. Those smug teasing looks she gave me when I was over my head were not lost on me, however, but I was still deciding whether it bothered me or not.
It was 8:10 and Brandon and Veronica were sitting up in their beds watching as Bella sat down in the rocking chair with Jamie snuggling into her lap. I took a seat in a cushy brown chair and watched to see what surprises Bella would whip out of her hat to amaze us all with now. Personally, I wanted these nymphs asleep so I could chat her up and make up for lost time tonight.
"So, the night is coming to an end and everyone's request must be honed for the amazing kitchen cleanup tonight." The kids were mesmerized by her and I was pretty sure there was a bit of drool that had started its trail south of my mouth. "Now 10 minutes after normal curfew, we'll tell have a bedtime story like planned. But, our last request was Jamie's very special condition." Bella looked over at me from across the room and smiled hesitantly.
"Jamie's request is that Uncle Eddie tells the bedtime story tonight." I nearly chocked on my spit I was so shocked. "Oh no no no no. I don't do those, I can't do that, It's really not my thing..." I tried to plead and the damn munchkins started these pouty faces that stung just a little, but those I could have handled. It was when Bella started with her bottom lip wedged between her teeth that I lost all hopes of victory. "Alright, fine. What book do you want me to read?" I finally consented.
"Oh no, Eddie, you have to tell it yourself." Bella said with a voice that just radiated her amusement. Oh, she wanted me to be creative huh? Well, shit.
Alright, if she's playing like this then I hope she likes her fairy tales slightly fractured. Be prepared Ms. Bella, Edward Cullen comes to play, and he tells his brand kind of bedtime stories. It's so on!
AN:
So, this is my fun new project. I am still doing my other story, I just wanted to try something a bit different and this will give me the opportunity to play with some of the classics which of course will be fun. Let me know what you think and i'll see how far I run with this one depending on the response yea? :]