PPS—Stay Frosty
Glyph, remind me to move these to the same archive as my other emails.
Dear Dr. T'Soni,
Thank you again for your assistance in recovering the components necessary to begin our treatment of Patient X. The Lazarus Project appreciates your cooperation.
Although our organization has no interest in your future plans, I am aware of the next challenge you plan to undertake, and would like to extend an offer of personal support if the time comes when you would require it.
Sincerely,
Miranda Lawson
Director, Lazarus Project
…
Dear Dr. T'Soni,
You requested to be informed when the Lazarus Project was shut down. Please consider this message your official notification. It gives me satisfaction to say that so far, it seems to have been a successful undertaking.
However, Patient X is having difficulty integrating into our organization. The patient insists on vandalizing every instance of our organization's insignia that the patient encounters. In addition to defacing the walls of our ship with unsightly pro-Alliance graffiti, this has included cutting holes in all the clothing provided for Patient X's use, and damaging an expensive set of customized armor. I would appreciate any insights you may have on how best to overcome the patient's prejudices.
Sincerely,
Miranda Lawson
Chief Operative and Executive Officer, Lazarus Cell
Hey Liara—
Have I ever told you how much I love you? Seriously, you're the greatest friend in the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the clean datapad. I've got it hidden in my bathroom, which I'm sure is more than you wanted to know, but I just…. The last time we were in range of a comm buoy, I managed to get ahold of my mom on vidcom. My mom! It's possible that she cried. I didn't. Stop looking at me like that! I didn't! All right, maybe I got a little misty. Not very, though! Oh, shut up. I really needed to talk to her. She missed me too, I guess. Even promised not to turn me over to the Alliance for working with terrorists.
Anyway, couldn't have done it without you. Thanks.
—Shepard
PS—Stay frosty. I don't think I have to tell you that I have no idea what the asari version of Cerberus is, so if the Shadow Broker kills you, you're on your own. We can't have that. I may need more electronics.
PPS—Although, I guess we are off to kidnap—I mean recruit—Tali. She can cover my gadgetry needs. So, feel free to die, I guess. Kidding! I'm kidding! Lighten up!
PPPS—Seriously, lighten up. The whole 'flay you alive with my mind' thing was scary. Man, I can't even die for two years without you losing your sense of humor.
Hey Liara—
Miranda's insisting that the Normandy swing by Illium to recruit a couple more members for the squad. I get the feeling that there's something she's not telling me. If this were an Alliance ship, I'd just confront her, since I'm her CO, but this is definitely not an Alliance ship. For all that I try to pretend that the Normandy is still military, she's not. What do you think? Do I make Miranda tell me what's going on, or should I let it slide? She's a good XO, and a useful member of the ground team, but she's still a terrorist. I don't care if she 'brought me back to life.' I don't trust her. And she doesn't trust me.
Anyway, while we're docked on your miserable planet, I'm probably going to be spending all my free time in Eternity. There's a great bartender there, who's got some kind of magic krogan liquor that's been helping me deal with… stuff. You should come by. Garrus, Tali, Joker, and the good Dr. Chakwas all want to see you.
—Shepard
PS—Do you know what the hell a Justicar is? Since you won't help put the band back together (hint hint) we need a new asari, and Cerberus wants Justicar Samara. All I've been able to find out is that she's a monk? T'Soni, you need to be less selfish. I do not have enough time to teach another asari how to make jokes!
PPS—Stay frosty.
Liara—
Just a quick note to let you know that we're all fine. I'm not sure how deep your information networks go, but I'll just assume that you have agents stationed on Omega. Shepard is exaggerating a little (mostly because she's been drinking a lot) about how bad the trap on the Collector ship was. I think she's just relieved to have a concrete reminder that Cerberus is made up of bad guys. A lot of the people on the Normandy are too nice to be part of an organization like that.
I'm sure Shepard told you about what happened with Alenko and the Alliance on Horizon. (And if she didn't, well, I'm sure you know about it anyway. Because you're a 'very good information broker.') Good news on that front: even though ryncol is still her drink of choice, she's moping less. Talking with the drell, Krios, seems to help. I guess he's a religious type, and Shepard at least finds that interesting. He must remind her of Chief Williams a little that way. Well, whatever keeps her sane, right?
Tali sends her best. She misses you, and has a lot of very unkind, untrue things to say about the way she's been treated since joining our merry band of misfits. (That said, I have to admit, I'm worried about her. Her admirals have accused her of treason, if you can believe that! She's going to ask Shepard for leave time to deal with that situation tonight, so I'm pretty sure that we're going to head for the Migrant Fleet when we leave this hellhole of a space station.)
Hope work is going well. Next time we're on Illium, I'll try to swing by. Until then, don't worry, I'm keeping an eye on our favorite human and quarian.
Yours Truly,
Garrus Vakarian
Dear Doktor T"Soni
BATLmaster SHEpaurd told me too rite and thank youfor the CLaymoor shotgun. its vERy nice gift for passin the rite. ShEpaurd says her berthday is comin to. URDNOT WREX sayz he missus you.
URDNOT GRUNT
Hey Liara—
Check your mail! (Your regular mail). Cerberus had us chasing down a Prothean research team of theirs that went missing these past couple weeks. Long story short, everyone was indoctrinated and/or killed by geth, but I picked up a really shiny Prothean artifact for you! It will look great in your shiny new office. (No, I don't care if your office really isn't that new. It's new to me, and that's what's important.)
—Shepard
PS—Miranda tells me that you two know each other? Why didn't you tell me? I'm guessing it's because you used to date, but Lawson isn't telling me anything. It makes sense… you're both smart, and I'm secure enough in my own sexuality to admit that you're both attractive. Was it a bad breakup? Oh! Maybe it's an unrequited thing? Probably on Miranda's side. Well, you should give her a chance. It turns out that she is not the devil. Who knew?
PPS—Stay frosty.
…
Dear Dr. T'Soni,
In case you receive an email from Patient X insinuating that I have overstated the nature of our relationship, allow me to assure you that I have done no such thing. When I mentioned our working together to the patient, I had no idea that the patient would jump to those sorts of conclusions. I fear that Patient X's logic continues to elude any rational explanation. Rest assured that in the future, I will endeavor to forestall such assumptions, though I admit, I am not optimistic about my chances for success.
Sincerely,
Miranda Lawson
Chief Operative and Executive Officer, Lazarus Cell
My Dearest Doctor T'Soni—
According to our beloved friend and sometimes-leader, Commander Shepard, the impressive Hero of the Skyllian Blitz, the influential first human Spectre, the illustrious Savior of the Citadel, you have taken to locking yourself in a depressing little office on Illium. The sentimental soldier worries that you may be losing the sense of humor that we worked so hard to cultivate in you during our travels and travails together. With that in mind, I have attached a video of a recent mission in which the subtle and sultry Shepard had to infiltrate a formal soiree while appropriately attired. Please do enjoy it!
Best Wishes,
Garrus "Archangel" Vakarian
In the event that you really are just too horribly busy to watch the entire video, I have taken the liberty of listing some highlights, for maximum comedic value with minimal time expenditure.
00:03:37-00:12:42—Kasumi Goto attempts to cure Shepard of her distinctive, assertive walk
00:12:42-00:16:03—Miranda Lawson demonstrates how a 'lady' behaves in a skirt and high-heeled shoes
00:16:03-00:18:42—Ms. Goto begs Ms. Lawson to take Shepard's place on the mission
00:18:42-00:22:39—Justicar Samara advises Shepard to keep her knees together while sitting in a skirt, demonstrates the superiority of crossing the legs at the ankle over crossing the legs at the knee
00:22:39-00:45:26—Shepard presents a variety of (unsuccessful) arguments as to why combat armor is acceptable formalwear
00:47:19-00:53:31—Shepard reacts to a solid gold statue of Saren Arterius
00:53:31-00:54:00—Justicar Samara disarms Shepard and places her in a stasis field for transport to the mission
02:17:24-02:18:12—Shepard insults her host, his guards, and the catering staff by implying that the champagne a flirting man offers her is poisoned
02:26:57-02:30:34—Shepard flees from the sexually aggressive woman blocking her way to the bathroom
02:42:43-02:43:19—Shepard 'infiltrates' Donovon Hock's private quarters
02:48:42-02:50:39—Shepard uses her omni-tool to scan plants for Mr. Hock's DNA
03:08:36-03:09:02—Shepard uses an act of vandalism to interrupt Mr. Hock's gloating
03:24:21-03:25:55—There's a Mako and some gas tanks near a dead end. SPOILER ALERT: It's not a dead end for very long.
04:20:15-05:17:49—Shepard imitates Mr. Hock's accent for the entire shuttle trip back to the Normandy
…
I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU WATCH THE VIDEO GARRUS JUST SENT YOU, YOU DIE NEXT!
SHEPARD
PS—MISS YOU
PPS—STAY FROSTY
Hey Liara—
Remember that assassin you helped me find? Thane Krios? The drell who was after Nassana Dantius? Did you know he had a son? An adult son? I definitely did not know that. It's… weird. I like him (Thane), and we've been spending a lot of time together, but I'm only a few years older than Kolyat (the son). At least, I think I'm only a few years older than him. Are we counting the time I was dead? (For the record, I vote that we don't count that time).
Have you ever dated a guy who used to be married?
Is it wrong to be thinking about moving on if I haven't even emailed Kaidan back?
Goddess of oceans, there's something wrong with me. Look, do me a favor and just join the stupid Collector Base mission? I really need someone to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I have Garrus and Tali, but they're not really right for this sort of advice. And, of course, I'd rather die than ask Lawson. Or Kasumi. Or Jack. Or any of the guys. Or any of the Cerberus crew. Maybe I should talk to Dr. Chakwas….
And with that final, frightening thought, I'm going to end this email. Before I emotionally scar you any further.
—Shepard
PS—Do you know anything about a Cerberus project codenamed Overlord? If you have any data, would you forward it to this address? If these people are sending me into another trap, I'd like to be forewarned.
PPS—Stay frosty.
Dear Liara,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write you, but between preparations for our assault on the Collector Base and a certain turian-human duo, it is all I can to do to stay healthy, let alone stay in touch with old friends.
I know it seems like I only contact you to complain about Garrus and Shepard, but really, sometimes they are just too much. You know how I feel about… spiders. Well, so do those two. And apparently Shepard asked Gardener (the Normandy's custodian/chef—I KNOW) to collect as many of the horrible, creepy things as he could. She even paid him. I am sure you can imagine how delightful the past few days have been.
(I am so tired of being picked on! You know, if you joined the crew, you could make them leave me alone. At the very least, they might spend some of their time bothering you!)
Anyway, yesterday we were on the Citadel—(Garrus has been acting a little odd lately. I think something has been bothering him, but he's only talking to Shepard. Do you know what is going on with him? He will not talk to me about what he did while the commander was dead. It is starting to worry me.)—and Shepard and Garrus went off on their own to take care of something that had them both looking serious. They would not tell me where they were going, and they did not let me come, so I stayed on the ship to work on some engine upgrade schematics, andafsj;dlbkj'egsjpof
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Liara, it's Shepard. Don't listen to anything Tali says. She's a liar! You know how quA-GSPNH;ERJLFSDV;ljskdfbnj['aeh;
What is wrong with my species?
I thought I knew the worst of sentient life from the Blitz, or Mom's stories about the ground action on Mindoir. I've spent most of my life convinced that batarians are the scum of the galaxy. I mean, slavery? Kidnapping? Killing and torturing humans just because we're settling planets no one wanted in the first place? That's the worst, right?
Wrong. Humanity is the worst. We don't deserve to be saved. I wish the Reapers would just get it over with and exterminate us.
Project Overlord—I can't even describe it. Vile. It was vile and perverse. The kind of thing that could give a person nightmares. Not even the Collectors are this horrible. His own brother! This scumbag, Gavin Archer, tortured his own brother because he thought that maybe, maybe the poor kid could help his stupid Cerberus pet project interface with the geth. Liara, I've never wanted to kill someone so badly. Evil. I have to tell myself that Archer was evil, because if I don't, then I don't even want to be human anymore, and if I'm not human, then why should I care about humanity?
You're always telling me that I'm overdramatic, but I swear, I'm not exaggerating. If you could have seen this boy…. Would you believe that after everything that was done to him, he still looked at me, and just said "Help me"? His own brother did unspeakable things to David in the name of his research, and this kid looked at me, a complete stranger, and had faith that I'd rescue him.
Maybe that's something worthwhile about humanity.
I've got David, the boy, up here in my cabin. Chakwas and I are staying with him, keeping an eye on him, keeping him calm, and keeping him safe from every damn Cerberus operative on this godforsaken ship. We're taking David to Grissom Academy, an Alliance school. My cousin Jack is one of the marines assigned to security there. He'll make sure nothing happens to David.
I have to get away from Cerberus. I can't be a part of this anymore. I let myself pretend that what I'm doing, working with them, using their resources is okay, because I'm 'helping people,' but it's not. What happened to David, it's my fault. I'm a part of Cerberus, so it's my fault.
I want my mom. I want her to tell me that there are parts of me still worth saving. I want her to tell me that life isn't always like this.
—Shepard
PS—Sorry. I know you have your own problems. I'm being overdramatic. As per usual. How's your work going? Good, I hope. Remember not to work too hard. All work and no play makes Liara a dull, albeit terrifying information broker.
PPS—Stay frosty. I haven't given up on saving the asari yet, but if you bite the big one, I just might.
Liara—
Do you know what an Ardat-Yakshi is? Because that justicar just sent Shepard in to face one alone and unarmed! Granted, watching Shepard dance and awkwardly flirt with a very experienced asari was hilarious, but still! Danger! Samara has not known Shepard long enough to make this okay!
This was not my fault. Really! I had no idea what was going on, and by the time I figured it out, Shepard was already alone with the Ardat-Yakshi. (I am not going to lie, that is fun to say. Also, I had no idea that Krios was the kind of guy who could get jealous, but you should have seen him when that asari climbed onto Shepard's lap. I don't know whose face was funnier, his or Shepard's!)
Anyway, Shepard is fine, we're all fine. But I'm keeping an eye on this Samara. I don't care how long she was chasing this criminal, I do not approve of pushing Shepard in front of a loaded gun like that.
Remember that if you don't take a break from working and eat, you'll probably die. And that would make me sad. Don't make the turian sad, Liara.
Yours Truly,
Garrus Vakarian
PS—Tali says that you threatened to flay my family alive with your mind if Shepard and I didn't stop pranking her. I'm about eighty-seven percent certain that she was making that up, but I thought I'd check just in case. If she wasn't lying, I want to know why you didn't threaten Shepard's family too. Are you racist?
Dear Liara,
Shepard has lost her mind! I know that I say that to you a lot, but it is true this time. She has made a geth part of our crew. A geth, Liara! Please, tell me that you at least remember that the geth are murderous AIs who not only drove my people from our homeworld, but tried to help Saren destroy all organic life.
Someone needs to talk some sense into her. I mean, it was bad enough that she brought the thing on board, but then she reactivated it! She was on the Alarei, she saw what happened there! An entire ship of scientists was killed by geth that they reactivated! Do you think Cerberus forgot to bring back the part of her memory that stores information on geth attacks?
I've tried talking to her, but Shepard is not listening to me. She is not listening to the Cerberus members of the crew, or to Garrus. Liara, I agree with people who work for Cerberus! That tells you how serious this is.
Would you try emailing her? Or, maybe I should ask Thane. I do not know! Help!
Love,
Tali
Hey Liara—
We're going to hit the Omega-4 Relay in a couple hours. Everyone keeps telling me that I've already died once, but last time I didn't see it coming. I'm not sure if knowing that I'm probably not coming back makes this time better or worse. Both, maybe. At least I'm getting a chance to say goodbye to people I might miss.
Anyway, this is me, saying goodbye, just in case. Part of me wishes you were here, but this is a suicide mission, so the part of me that's a halfway decent person is glad you're safe on Illium. (Or as safe as anyone can be on a planet full of corporate cutthroats).
Do me a favor? There's a vid attached to this email, for my parents. If you don't hear from me by the end of the week, would you make sure my mom gets it? She'll forward it to Dr. Dad. It's fine if you want to look at it. The first few minutes are really just an explanation of my actions for the Alliance. The rest… well, if you ever need a laugh, you can watch me trying to figure out how to tell them I love them without actually saying it. We Shepards like our emotions to stay all boxed up, thank you very much.
Good luck finding the Shadow Broker. Kick his ass for me. And for your 'friend' Feron. (I bet you're really mad you didn't join up now, if only because it means you can't smack me for that). Hey, I get it, drell are sexy. If I manage to live through this and manage to talk Thane into taking things to the next level, you and I can go out for drinks and compare notes. Yes, I will be so happy to have survived that we will have a (I cannot believe that I'm typing this) girls' night.
One last thing. It's stupid, and if I don't die, promise me we'll never talk about it. Okay? Okay.
I just wanted to say thanks. Not for giving me to Cerberus, and turning me into the undead, cybernetic soldier that the galaxy needs, but for not treating me like an undead, cybernetic soldier. Seriously. Remember how you hugged me the first time I visited? Out of all my friends, you're the only one who didn't stop short just before touching me for the first time. I know, that sounds creepy, but you know what I mean. It meant a lot, really. Especially on those days when I'm not sure how human I am, it's a good memory to have.
Don't work yourself to death. That's an order.
Shepard
PS—I don't actually have anything to say here, but I always put a PS in my emails to you, and I wouldn't want the last one to be a disappointment.
PPS—Stay frosty.
…
Hey Liara—
Surprise, I'm not dead. You can destroy that email and the vid.
—Shepard
PS—I have another present for you. I'll be by in a couple weeks to deliver it in person. Just have to repair the Normandy a little first.
PPS—Stay frosty.
Hey Broker—
Hope you and Feron are doing all right. The Normandy's going to be heading out to your neck of the galaxy in a day or two, and I was thinking that you guys should come for a visit. I remember, you said that you both can't afford to be away at the same time, but you could totally come in shifts! It'll be great. You and I can hang out and chat, and then, when you go back to your ship, I can interrogate Feron as to his intentions.
Say yes! You know you want to take a break. You can't be all dark and mysterious and powerful all the time—you'll become one-dimensional, and then I'll find you incredibly boring, and we both know that you live to entertain me.
Or, don't say yes, and I'll just show up on your doorstep like the most awkward and unwanted of houseguests. And it will be your fault, because you're the one who found my corpsicle and gave it to Miranda, who then brought me back to life to fight Reapers and irritate asari. (And herself. I irritate Miranda a lot. She says hi, by the way. And wants me to tell you again that I'm sorry for assuming you two were an item. Seriously though, can you blame me?)
See you soon!
—Shepard
PS—I bought a bottle of Elasa. Which is gross, but for you, I'll drink half.
PPS—Stay frosty. Just because you're the Shadow Broker now, doesn't mean that there isn't some innocent-looking scientist out there conning her awesome Spectre friend into helping her try to take you down.
Hey Liara—
Thanks for giving me back my dog tags. Having them around my neck makes me feel more like myself than I have since I came back. And they must be lucky! The Normandy got a message from Admiral Hackett the other day, and he wants me to do a black op for him. Granted, I'm usually of the opinion that if you need to keep what you're doing a secret, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place, but it's a mission from the Alliance!
Watch, I'll be back in uniform before you know it.
—Shepard
PS—Suddenly, Thane seems to know all about my dislike of horror vids. He's making me watch the entire 'Talons' series as revenge for the Blasto movies. Liara, I'm starting to be afraid of Garrus! I know you let Thane onboard your ship the last time we visited. We are going to have a long talk later, you and I.
PPS—Stay frosty.
To Whom It May Concern:
According to the former Human Systems Alliance Military officer allegedly responsible for the destruction of the Bahak star system and the death of roughly three hundred thousand subjects of the Batarian Hegemony, communications dispatched to this address will eventually reach her former shipmate, Dr. Liara T'Soni. Any person reading this other than Dr. T'Soni is hereby put on notice that this is a private message, and reading further will constitute a violation of both Citadel Council law, and Human Systems Alliance law.
Dr. T'Soni—Shepard informs me that you are a capable information broker. She also assures me that you understand the imminent danger we are all living under, and that you can be trusted. As such, I am submitting a request that you utilize your resources to help search for a way to defeat the Reapers. The Alliance does have other personnel pursuing potential leads, but with time against us, we must use every means available, regardless how unconventional. My personal contact number is 7231-425-01-339-508-9122. I am waiting on your call, and look forward to working with you.
Admiral Stephan Hackett
Author's Note: Credit for inspiring this story goes to 'Lens' who commented on Pressure, asking if I would write Shepard and Liara in ME1 and ME2. While I'm pretty sure this wasn't quite what you had in mind, it was fun to write, and I think it hits all the important highlights.