Complete silence was exactly the way you liked everything.
No lords or ladies constantly badgering you with information. No hustle and bustle of the manor. No mother's disapproving breath over your shoulder. Not even the tick of a clock.
Just silence.
Your eyes fluttered open and close as you stared out onto the grounds through the bay window. The book you intended to read sat underappreciated in your lap with your index finger marking your page, if you ever felt inclined to come back to reality. A light smile ghosted your lips as you marveled at the old willow tree at the edge of your property and all the secrets it held. You wished you could reach into the tree's memories and take them for yourself.
The large wooden door across the room slammed open unceremoniously, and you flinched but remained determined to keep your position. "Mother can't bring me to the marketplace today." Your younger sister's voice rang throughout the room. You could tell she was waiting for a response from you, but you had none to give. Silence, however, always overwhelmed your sister instead of soothing her.
"Y/N," she started, a hint of impatience slipping into her tone, "will you please take me?" A sigh escaped from your lips.
You shifted in your seat so you were now observing your sister with your back leaning against the chilled window. Your sister's face was trying its hardest to conceal its irritation–either from the fact that she had to ask you to accompany her to the marketplace or the fact you were considering not taking her–and you allotted her some credit for attempting. But the annoyance was there, clear as day. She was the easiest person to read.
"Bethany, you were just at the market not two days ago. What possible reason could you have for needing to go back?" you tried to keep your voice even, but you too found yourself straining to keep the irritation controlled.
She looked at you in disbelief. "Ribbons, Y/N. The ball is in three days, and I need more ribbons." She stated it so confidently, you fought the urge to roll your eyes. Maybe when you were the second born daughter, such things truly did matter to you, you considered with a bitter taste in your mouth.
You shrugged your shoulders and turned back to looking out the window. "Have one of the maids go on a ribbon run then."
Bethany huffed with great exaggeration and stomped out of the door saying "You never do anything for me."
With a sigh, you closed your eyes and counted to ten. When you opened them again, you sat up, replaced your finger with a ribbon in the book, and gracefully slid off the window seat. Sliding your cloak off your bedpost, you made your way out the door Bethany so graciously left open for you.
As you expected, Bethany stood with her arms crossed and sulking against the wall beside your door. "Well, let's go," you stated begrudgingly. As you swung your cloak over your shoulders, your heart warmed at the sight of Bethany's face lighting up. She squeezed you in a quick hug, and then bolted down the hallway, leaving you to catch up in her wake.
The carriage was already mounted, ready and containing its first eager passenger by the time you reached it. You swung your body up into the carriage and sat across from Bethany, who was bouncing with excitement. Honestly, you never thought you'd seen someone so excited for ribbons.
Watching your sister's face grow brighter with every turn resurfaced a plethora of memories that were painful now. She was four years younger than you–just fifteen–and she never could quite understand why you grew up. But the responsibilities you held as the eldest daughter were responsibilities she never had to grasp.
All the games in the gardens and doll playdates in the ballroom rattled around in your brain. Observing the girl in front of you right now, you realized she was just that. A girl. But you had become so much more in the past years. And becoming a woman meant becoming weighed down with responsibility. You hated it.
You hated the way Bethany giggled around suitors. You hated the way Bethany gossiped about the girls in town. You hated the way Bethany begged you to make special trips to the marketplace for ribbons. You hated the way Bethany didn't grow up with you.
But to ask her to grow up would be asking her to leave behind the little girl she was. And if that little girl got left behind, so did everything the two of you once were.
So instead you stayed silent and distanced yourself to preserve her. And through strained smiles and reluctant trips to the marketplace, you held your sister at an arm's length. You knew it wouldn't work forever, but it was all you could manage right now.
The carriage jolted to a stop, signalling your arrival to the marketplace. You barely registered you were no longer moving before Bethany was up and out of the carriage in a flash. Scrambling to follow her so you weren't to lose her in the crowd, the thought cross your mind to just wait for her in the carriage. But you quickly shook it from your mind with all the rumors of kidnappings flying around.
You caught a glimpse of her hair moving confidently through the crowd towards a stand. Gritting your teeth, you ignored the icy draft that began to fill your veins when you realized exactly which stand she was heading for. This wasn't a ribbons trip. But it mostly certainly had to do with the ball.
By the time you caught up to her, Bethany was already shamelessly flirting with the owner of her favorite stand. You made your appearance known with a large puff of indignance, but neither paid you any attention. You watched annoyed as the two flirted with each other, and you passed your time by shooting the young man glares. There was a whole list of reasons you would not hold back from sharing with Bethany on the carriage ride home as to why this was completely inappropriate.
"Y/N isn't this beautiful?" Bethany caught you off guard and turned around eagerly to show you the bracelet she must have just been encouraged to buy, and you swallowed your anger and quickly forced out a smile. If she caught your originally stone hard face, she decided to ignore it. "Alexander just gave it to me as a present," Bethany stated proudly, looking back at the stand owner who was smiling at her sweetly. You bit your tongue.
You heard a chorus of girls shout your sister's name from across the way, and watched as your sister waved and ran to them grinning. Before she could reach her friends, however, your eyes were back on Alexander. You observed him observing your sister closely. His disheveled long dark hair blew across his face in the wind of the near-winter afternoon, but his eyes never left Bethany and the smile never left his face.
"Alexander," you stated coldly. It wasn't a greeting, but more of a warning. Becoming acutely aware of your presence, he stood up straighter and became indignant, which almost caused you to laugh. Even the sharp tongued Alexander Hamilton was no match for you. "I know what you people are about," you stated cooly. A flash of rage shot through his eyes, but you ignored it and pushed on. "You flirt with susceptible young, high-ranking girls like Bethany to get their business and then break their hearts when they find out you were using them the whole time. Now-"
"Don't mind me interrupting, but maybe I flirt with Bethany because she's the sweetest, most genuine girl I've met in a long time," Alexander shot back at you angrily. You rolled your eyes.
"She's fifteen. Trifling with her feelings so she Chooses you just so you can raise your status is despicable." Anger flowed through your voice straight to Alexander, who quickly became enraged.
"You know what's despicable?" he asked, his face beet red. "Abandoning your sister." Your blood froze as you clench every muscle in your body to keep from strangling him. But your expression must have betrayed your innermost thoughts, as Alex paused smugly. "What, you didn't think we actually talked when we see each other? I know exactly how you tossed her aside as soon as your mother offered you a place at the table. You thought everything was okay between you two? Why do you think she comes to me when she needs advice or protection?"
You flew at him and threw your hands down on his stand with a bang. The noise caused Alexander to flinch slightly and attracted the attention of a few nearby shoppers. But after one look at the situation, they all looked away.
Alexander held your eyes without blinking, and your fists curled tightly until they hurt. "I'm am her sister," you growled. "I will protect her." You pushed yourself back from the table, not breaking eye contact with Alexander. "Stay away from Bethany," you warned with a slightly threatening hint to your voice. His jaw hardened as he took a deep breath before he responded.
"As soon as she tells me to," he replied, a smug look in his eye, knowing you'd been defeated. You clenched your fist and took a step forward.
"Y/N?" Bethany's voice called out behind you. You stopped mid stride, closed your eyes, and took a deep breath, relaxing your hand. Pasting a lighthearted smile on your face, you turned to face Bethany, who now held several ribbons in her hand. She gave you a concerned and questioning look as her eyes flicked back and forth between you and Alexander. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Alexander too had a smile back on his face.
Always the first to let things go, Bethany shrugged and jovially skipped towards the table to get Alexander's opinion on her new ribbons. You listened to them discuss them for what felt like several minutes before you decided you had had enough noise for the day.
"Bethany, we have to get going," you said evenly. Bethany looked disappointed, but nodded her head so as to not anger you, as she often did after you did her a favor. But then she hesitated.
"Just… give me one more moment," she said quickly, and before you could stop her she hurriedly turned back towards Alexander. "There's a ball at our estate in just three days," she explained animatedly. Your stomach dropped when you realized why she was bringing it up. "I find myself in need of an escort and-"
"George is your escort," you cut in matter-of-factly, trying to pry Bethany away from the stand.
Bethany turned back to you and gave you a look that told you you were embarrassing her. "Peggy's taking him now," she whispered to you before turning back towards Alexander. "I find myself in need of an escort and I was wondering if you would consider it." The last half of her sentence came out so fast, it was all squished together so you couldn't interrupt her again.
You held your breath and glared intensely at Alexander. He knew how bad it would look if the hostess' daughter brought a street dealer to the ball. But he was pointedly ignoring your glare.
His face was lit up as he responded he would of course be interested, and you had never wanted to strangle someone so much in your life. How on earth were you to explain this to your mother?
Bethany squealed and hugged Alexander from across the stand, and you absolutely could not stand the fact you couldn't deny Alexander looked genuinely smitten with Bethany. With a huff, you roughly grabbed Bethany's arm and dragged her back to the carriage, but even that couldn't dampen her mood.
"Oh, Y/N, can you believe it? Alexander is perfect, and now he's my escort," she gushed to you as she climbed in after you to the carriage. Catching you off guard, she sat down next to you and kept animatedly speaking. "And after the ball, I'll be able to invite him to the estate whenever. I want him to be my Choice so desperately. Y/N, this is exactly as romantic as you and John." Not even the happiness she expressed in every body movement could suppress your frustration, especially after her last statement.
"Bethany, you're being utterly ridiculous," you stated coldly. Her smile faltered as she tried to find the joke. When she realized there was none, tears filled her eyes. "That was reckless inviting a stand boy to our ball. A stand boy who is four years older than you, no less. Think of the reputation of our family." You were trying to keep everything building up in you from coming shattering out, but her last statement kept rattling around in your brain.
Her lip quivered at your words. "He's not just a stand boy, Y/N. I want him to be my Choice, what do you-"
"Your Choice is a sacred decision, and not something you decide after flirting with someone for a few months. Think a little Bethany." Your words were harsh and caused you both to flinch, but you kept going, unable to stop yourself. "You get one Choice in your lifetime. You get one shot at guaranteeing yourself a relationship with a good and loving partner. And you want to waste it on Alexander, of all people."
This time Bethany couldn't respond for she had started sobbing instead. And though all you wanted to do was hold her and comfort like you would have years ago, you still had one more thing left to say.
"And don't you ever compare your stupid fling with Alexander to John and me ever again."
There was so much contempt in your voice, you almost didn't recognize yourself. Bethany turned away from you and huddled into a sobbing mess in the corner of the carriage. After a few deep breaths, you felt all your rage leave your body and instead felt an overpowering wave of grief wash over you. What had you done?
You watch helplessly as Bethany stayed huddled away from you. You barely noticed the streams of tears marring your own face, your mind was only running through ways to fix what you had just broken.
But none came to you. So you just stared.
Eventually, her sobs soothed her to sleep. Though it was selfish, you managed to gently adjust her body so she was leaning against you and you wrapped her into a tight hug. Burying your head in her long hair, you couldn't stop the overwhelming sobs that took over your body.
When did you become completely disconnected from the girl who was once your everything?