Telephone Battle

Summary: High schoolers Peter Petrelli and Gabriel Gray have a Telephone battle, much to Mr. Parkman's disgust and Mr. Muggles and Sparky's amusement. Inspired by Rachel and Sunshine on Glee. Crack, high school AU with mostly Heroes characters, one-shot.

Characters/pairings: Peter Petrelli/Sylar (Gabriel Gray), Matt Parkman/Mohinder Suresh, Noah Bennet, Claire Bennet/Gretchen Berg, Mr. Muggles/Sparky the Great Slash Dragon (from Merlin). I know, what the scarf regarding that last pairing. Characters have no special abilities.

Author's note: Just when the world thought my brain could not get crazier, this story happened. This was inspired by an epic-as-marmalade scene in Glee 2x1 "Audition", and numerous Glee parodies of that scene, posted on YouTube. I'm not kidding when I say that I saw hints of femslash in that scene.

Warnings/spoilers: Crack, singing in a washroom, strong sexual references, slash, femslash and more crack. This is AU, so there's no spoilers.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, Heroes, nor Lady Gaga's "Telephone", "Bad Romance", and other songs referenced. I don't even own the Great Slash Dragon (it's more like the other way around, ha). The Mr. Muggles/GSD scene was inspired by queenoftheoutlands's Mr. Muggles/GSD/Sylar scene in her Heroes Season 4: The Awards fan fic.

MR. SHOE-SHOE: So here's what happened. Gabriel sang lots of solos, and damn, he looked hot...

GABRIEL: I am so awesome. :-)

MR. SHOE-SHOE: ...Matt got up to no good again...

MATT: Squee Club is going down. [He flicks his hair back in contempt of Squee Club.] :-(

MR. SHOE-SHOE: ...Hiro Nakamura finally solved that Samurai Sudoku puzzle...

HIRO: Yakta! :-D

MR. SHOE-SHOE: ...and that's what you missed on...SQUEE. [School bell rings.]

Gabriel was pretty happy with his life. He was captain of Pinehearst Senior High School's tennis team, he had the most awesome friends in Squee Club, all the girls wanted to be with him, and all the guys wanted to be him.

Then he met Peter and became even happier.

It had all started yesterday, when he noticed Peter checking him out when he was performing "Empire State of Mind" with Squee Club. Now, as Gabriel was putting up "Be Squee or Be Square" posters on the walls of one of the school's washrooms, who should enter but Peter.

'Hello there,' Gabriel said. 'I couldn't help but notice yesterday that you were admiring my brilliant singing of brilliance.' Peter removed his earphones. 'I'm sorry, what?'

'Oh, you don't speak English. You like me sing. You like me sing very much.'

'I do so speak English.'

'...and since I spend my free time being stalkerish, I know that you are one grade below me, and that you have a first aid certificate. Your name is Peter Ill Petrelli, and your Mom called you that because she was going through a weird anagram obsession when you were born.'

'No, that not true. She named me that because she loves me-'

'Listen, Peter,' Gabriel broke in, evidently ignoring what Peter had to say. 'I need hot guys to stand behind me at Squee Club, watching me with doe eyes while I sing solos. So I encourage you to audition for Squee Club. Squee Club is fun. Swaying in the background can be fun. Can I count on you?' (Gabriel was ambiguous about his sexuality. He had kissed a girl and he liked it, but he was still batting for both sides, so to speak. God help anyone who suggested that he was gay, though.)

Peter smiled and nodded. 'Sure.' Gabriel returned the smile. 'Okay, great.'

The taller boy turned back to the wall, to stick another poster to it. He dropped the poster and bent down to retrieve it.

Now was Peter's chance to give Gabriel a taste of his own medicine. Sticking the earphones back into his ears, Peter sang, 'Hello, hello, baby / You called, I can't hear a thing / I have got no service in the club, you see, see / Wha-wha-what did you say? / Oh, you're breaking up on me / Sorry, I cannot hear you / I'm kinda busy.'

Gabriel rose to a standing position, thinking, 'Wow, he's a good singer.' He sang, 'K-kinda busy.' Peter smiled and sang, 'K-kinda busy.' They both sang, 'Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.'

Gabriel rounded on Peter in a dangerously hot way, and sang, 'Just a second / It's my favorite song they're gonna play / And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh / You shoulda made some plans with me / You knew that I was free / And now you won't stop calling me / I'm kinda busy.' He got close enough to Peter to chew on his bangs. Fortunately, he was not hungry nor crazy enough to start eating some random guy's hair.

The boys circled each other. Gabriel watched Peter intensely like a hawk, inwardly enraptured by the sound of his voice and great taste in music. Peter was happy just to be so close to Gabriel's Eyebrows of Epicness and his bright yellow shirt. They sang, 'Stop calling, stop calling / I don't wanna think any more / I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor / Stop calling, stop calling / I don't wanna talk any more / I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.'

They separated, and went to opposite ends of the washroom. Peter bounced cheerfully, singing, 'Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh,' while Gabriel sang, 'Stop telephoning me! I'm busy! Stop telephoning me!'

Unfortunately, the song came to an abrupt halt when mean Matt Parkman, the school cheerleading coach, entered and exclaimed, 'Shut up! That song will be stuck in my head for a week. Argh!' He stormed out.

Peter looked slightly upset at Mr. Parkman's intrusion. Gabriel put his hand on the other boy's shoulder. 'Don't let Parkman get to you, kiddo. He's just mad because Doctor Suresh isn't giving him any.' Dr. Mohinder Suresh was Matt's doctor, and any fool could see what was going on when the two of them held hands as they walked through the school's corridors.

Peter giggled, and said, 'You're a very good singer.'

'Thanks. You're very good too.'

It was true, Peter was both cute and talented. Both boys completely forgot about Squee Club for the moment. There was only one course of action for Gabriel to take. 'Give me your cell phone,' he demanded. Peter complied, so willing was he to do anything for handsome Gabriel. Gabriel accessed Peter's contacts, and added his own name and phone number. Handing back the phone, Gabriel said, 'Whatever you do, do not phone or text this number. Oh, and don't tell anyone about this.'

'Okay.'

They both smiled quickly, and Gabriel left. Peter looked at his phone displaying Gabriel's number, and sighed dreamily.

Later that day, Gabriel was delighted that Peter got the hint, when he received a text message from Peter, who wanted to hang out after school. Gabriel replied that he too wanted to hang out. From there, after many more sessions singing in front of mirrors, some cuddling and kissing, and other things that will not be repeated here, a bad romance developed. When Gabriel's fan girls found out about the relationship, they cried in each other's arms. Peter and Gabriel were too busy fondling each other to pay attention to the commotion they had caused.

Matt Parkman complained about Peter and Gabriel's "inappropriate" behavior to Noah Bennet, the school principal. Bennet fixed him with a level gaze. 'This school is a magnet for sexual deviation, Matthew. You, of all people, should know that.' It took Matt a moment for him to realize what Noah was getting at. 'I don't know what you're talking about-' he began to sputter, yet he found his own legs were carrying him out of Bennet's office and into the nearest broom closet. Mohinder was already waiting for him in the closet. 'Hi there,' Mohinder said, with a positively devilish grin, which was explained by the mischief that he and Matt got up to seven nanoseconds later.

When Matt emerged half an hour later, his clothes rumpled and his hair in a mess, he sang, 'Oh, what a beautiful morning!' and skipped merrily down the hallway. The students looked at each other, shrugged, and continued walking.

Meanwhile, Peter went to tell his cousin, Claire Bennet (a cheerleader and Noah's daughter) about his new boyfriend, only to find her snogging the face off her girlfriend, Gretchen Berg. Peter shrugged, and went back to daydreaming about Gabriel straddling him on a water bed.

After the boys graduated from Pinehearst, and college, they got married. It was on the whole a happy marriage (as in, aww, that's a good romance), though conflict arose when they touched each other's telephones without permission. When this happened, they screamed breakup songs at each other (like "So What" by Pink and "I Never Loved You Anyway" by The Corrs) and had violent hate sex, though not at the same time (Gaga ooh la la, I want your bad romance).

Far away, Mr. Muggles in his Slashtacular Castle, watched these events unfold in his crystal ball. His laughter echoed throughout the castle. Sparky the Great Slash Dragon, who was watching Merlin/Arthur in the next room, entered and asked, 'What is going on in here?'

'Watch this, Sparky.' The Dragon watched all the slash and femslash, and was amused. Unfortunately, Mr. Muggles overloaded on Peter/Sylar adorableness, causing his respiratory system to pack up. He fell unconscious off his throne to the floor. Sparky revived him with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. At first, Mr. Muggles was mad (he wanted to kick the bucket in style) but later on he thanked Sparky for saving his life. The Dragon proposed to the Dog, and Mr. Muggles accepted.

All in all, everyone was filled with glee, and they lived happily ever after.

Now if you'll excuse the author, he must go and telephone random people until the money runs out.

The End

...and that is why we avoid YouTube, kids. But never mind that now, because this story is my first Glee themed fic. Ohmegods, YIPPEE.

The best Glee parody I've seen majorly inspired this fic. TWO MEN MIMING IN A BATHROOM. 'Nuff said. Please remove the (dot)s and insert full stops. Linky: www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=toMbGB5JS8s

Please review this story. Reviews fill me with glee.