"Daniel."
"What?"
"You're standing on my foot. Again."
"Oh, sorry, Jack, didn't realise. My legs are getting kinda numb."
"No, shit? Could it by any chance be due to the fact that we've been standing here for.... I dunno.... ages?"
"You're making it sound like it's somehow my fault."
"Well, maybe it is."
"Hey-hey, I wasn't the one being so eager to find out what these people's guns look like."
"I was only doing my job and in case it might have slipped your mind, SG-1 is first and foremost a military unit and finding new means of defense is what we do."
"And I guess sneaking into other people's most sacred places goes with the territory."
"How was I supposed to know it was sacred? The door was wide open and..."
"No it wasn't."
"Well unlocked, same thing. And remind me again why we have an anthropologist in the team?"
"These things take time! How could I have possibly known that they'd have such a strict taboo on weapons? You can't expect me to have all the answers after spending a few hours in a totally new culture. My god, Jack, the process of complete socialisation takes years!"
"I'm sorry, but as much as I personally enjoy camping out, we really don't have time to spent years on every goddamn planet we come across."
"I'm not saying it should be years, but there's still no way you can blame this one on me. For once it was you who rushed in head first, and look where it got us."
"It's kinda hard to do any looking around here, being in a pitch-black basement as we are. "
"Not my fault. And stop swinging that ring, it's solid metal and bolted deep in the ceiling, you're only hurting yourself. And me."
"Well, someone's gotta actually do something around here, Danny-boy. This academic arguing isn't helping one tiny little bit."
"And you dislocating my shoulder does help?"
"Any other suggestions? We already tried untying each other's hands."
"Yes, and that hurt almost as much as this. It's no use, Jack."
"If there was an antique urn or something nearby, I bet you would've bitten through these ropes already."
"Jack, stop doing that! There's no escape, so stop it. Stop!"
"Daniel...? You're not hyperventilating, are you?"
"No, I'm not. I'm just..."
"...breathing very hard. Nice, claustrophobia is exactly what we need right now."
"I'm not claustrophobic! Or at least I wasn't... Thank you so much, Jack, for bringing that up!"
"Okay, now, don't panic."
"What else is there to do?!"
"Let's just breathe... slowly... good. Feeling better?"
"A little."
"That'll do. And how could anyone possibly get claustrophobic if they can't even see where the walls are?"
"I know where they are, I was wide awake when they brought us in here, but it's not the walls that bother me. It's the ceiling. It's so low that I can practically touch it."
"Well, it's hard rock, it's not going anywhere."
"Thanks, Jack. Just thinking about the weight of those stones over my head makes me feel so much better."
"What next? Are you gonna tell me you're afraid of the dark as well?"
"I'd rather get eaten by bedbugs than tell you anything anymore."
"Nice to know you've got the right attitude. That's the spirit we need to get the hell outta here."
"Can't we just wait for them to come back and try to explain that it was all a mistake?"
"Yeah, they seemed to be really keen on hearing your explanation about cultural differences and honouring their customs and all the usual stuff."
"You're not turning this into one of those science versus military things, are you?"
"Maybe I am."
"Fine, then. You go and tear your hand off, what do I care. Just remember we're tied to the same ring and I'd like to keep my arms attached to the rest of my body for a little while longer, if you don't mind."
"Fine. We'll see how you talk your way outta this one."
"Fine."
"Fine!"
******
"Still here, Jack?"
"Get off my back."
"Actually I'm right here in front of you, if you haven't noticed by now."
"I'm trying real hard not to."
"Look, Jack, I know we're both tired and more or less fed up with this, but couldn't we stop this stupid bickering?"
"Hmm..."
"Don't give me that!"
"What?"
"That look."
"There's no way you can see any look."
"Yes, I can. You rolled your eyes, didn't you? I know you, Jack."
"Well, let's see... my knee is killing me and this metal ring is rubbing the skin off my wrists and I could really use a steak right about now and on top of all that I have you, bitching and moaning over every goddamn thing. Oh, I think I have more than enough reason to do whatever I want to with my goddamn eyes!"
"And I'm just hanging here for fun?"
"Sorry... Didn't mean to lash out at you."
"I do not moan. Or bitch."
"Of course you don't, Daniel."
"I merely expressed my wish to have both of my arms in working condition. And even if you could've gotten our hands free, you'd have to carry me out of here, 'cos my legs feel like two very overdone strings of spaghetti."
"Not 'al dente'?"
"Not even close."
"Oh, and Daniel, without meaning to sound as pissed off about all this as I actually am, could you please stop bashing my face with your head?"
"Sorry. I was trying to push my glasses back up, they keep falling down my nose."
"Oh, for crying out loud..."
"Fine then, don't help. I don't need you."
"Of course you do, Daniel. All this complaining is just making me feel more guilty than I really am."
"Was that an attempted apology?"
"Leave me alone."
"Wish I could."
"Me, too. Now, are you gonna let me help you with those glasses or do I have to go through the rest of my life without a nose?"
"If you insist. Mind you, I didn't ask for help, I could do this perfectly fine by myself."
"Sure you could. But I like my nose, or what's left of it, so what d'ya want me to do?"
"Just push them up a bit."
"With what?"
"I dunno, use your teeth, nose, anything."
"Oh, you mean the one you just broke?"
"Yes, unless you've got another one hidden somewhere."
"If I were you, I wouldn't push my luck with any more smart-ass comments."
"Please."
"The things I do for you... Okay, let's see... "
"You don't have to crush my face entirely, you know."
"Shut up, Daniel. You try this without hands and in the dark.. Say when they're... Oops."
"Oh, well, it's not like I'll be needing them here anyhow."
"Glad you're taking this so well."
"It was an accident. Right, Jack?"
"Yeah. Right."
******
"Daniel?"
"Yeah?"
"Just checking you're still awake. We can't fall asleep."
"I know. And who could sleep with your stubble scratching their face."
"Well, your cheek isn't exactly like a baby's bottom, either."
"Sorry."
"Ditto."
"Jack, I've been thinking, and what if this is it? I mean really it?"
"Nah. I don't see my life flashing before my eyes. And besides, it would be a really long picture show - you'd die of old age."
"We haven't ever discussed the drawbacks of this continuous use of humour as a defence mechanism, have we, Jack?"
"No, and we never will. Anyway, I'm sure Sam and Teal'c are already back home by now and we'll be out of here in no time."
"Assuming they got away."
"Sure they did. Or do you see them anywhere around here?"
"Or maybe they're up there right now negotiating our release. There's no reason they would've been captured, after all they didn't violate the taboo."
"Is there any particular reason why we're returning to the same subject over and over?"
"I only want you to admit that you're not perfect... 'colonel'."
"Who said I was? And by the way, why are you here?"
"Because I followed you into the room."
"Exactly. And what does that make you? An accomplice."
"No, just plain stupid. So sue me."
"They already have. Obviously we weren't invited to the trial but I'm sure we won't miss the punishment part."
"Meaning, you don't think this is it yet?"
"Nah, you gotta let the meat hang properly before..."
"Don't, Jack, don't even say it. Please. I'm feeling sick enough as it is."
"Now, don't forget to turn your head. Anywhere away from me is fine."
"Thanks for the support."
"Is it cold in here, or is it just you?"
"No, it's really getting cold, the sun must have gone down. And if it gets any colder than this, we'll probably freeze to death."
"Maybe that's the punishment. Not very imaginative, I'd say."
"I'm serious, Jack. I can't feel my fingers anymore."
"Just try to keep them moving."
"Have you ever tried to move a part of your body that you're not even sure is still there?"
"Here, feel this? These are your fingers, all ten of them. Now, reach out and squeeze my hands, harder, that's it. See, it's all there."
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Please don't let go."
"I won't. Promise."
******
"If this was really it, you know what my biggest regret would be? That I had that garlic chicken last night. You didn't deserve that."
"Daniel... didn't we talk about this just the other day, didn't we agree that you wouldn't make jokes without warning me first? And besides, I've been standing here, about two inches from your face for... well, longer than I care to think, and I can assure you, you don't have bad breath."
"Good. Wouldn't want to end my days with someone who hates me."
"Well, I don't hate you."
"Then you admit it's your fault we're here?"
"Fine. I'm not perfect."
"But close."
"You're shooting them out like a little cannon, aren't ya?"
"I learned from the best."
"Glad you acknowledge it. And in case you're wondering, my biggest regret would be trusting those goddamn ads and buying this I-can't-believe-it's-deodorant! 'Keeps you fresh all day long' - my ass."
"You... don't smell bad."
"Oh, thank you!"
"I mean, you smell like... you."
"You mean 'sweaty'?"
"I mean 'masculine'."
"And the difference would be...?"
"Um..."
"Beep - time's up. You just lost yourself a brand new toaster!"
"Please, don't mention anything food related."
"An annual volume of the Modern Archaeologist, then. Oh, and Daniel, while we're on the subject, have you noticed that the only thing keeping you up are the ropes around your wrists and me?"
"How's that even close to the subject?"
"You're an archaeologist, aren't you?"
"That has absolutely nothing to do with..."
"Okay, okay! Still I hate to tell you this, Daniel, but would you consider shifting your weight back onto your own two feet now? Mine aren't feeling all that good, either."
"I'm not sure I can."
"C'mon now, 'legs', up you go."
"Stop pushing me! And don't call me 'legs'."
"So, stand up! There you go... you're doing great... already stepped on my foot once... yes... there you go, you did it again... good, good... okay, you can stop now... stop it, Daniel, or we'll both be crippled."
"God, that hurts!"
"Tell me about it. Try shifting your weight back and forth form one leg to the other. It should keep your blood flowing."
"And you couldn't tell me that hours ago?!"
"Forgot it. And I thought you were just cold when you started to inch your way onto me."
"I was never on you! I only needed something to lean... on."
"Well, I need my legs back now, so c'mon, left-right-left..."
"I don't think I need you to beat time for me. I can manage just fine on my own. "
"Now, aren't you a big boy, Danny!"
"Maybe too early to hit the dance floor, but at least I know my legs are still part of me."
"I wouldn't let you dance with my worst enemy. You aim for the toes, don't ya?"
"Funny, Jack. With you I know I'll die with a smile on my face."
"Happy to oblige. And nobody's dying here."
"Any ideas what to do while we wait for... our rescue?"
"Play twenty questions? Sing a song? Somehow I think charades is out of the question. "
"That would probably be a seriously frustrating game. And I only know the words for 'ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall'."
"Shouldn't that be 'ninety-nine ancient artefacts on the wall'?"
"It doesn't even rhyme. Oh, why didn't I let you go alone into that room!"
"So, we're playing what-if's?"
"No... Or why not. What if I weren't here? And instead it was Sam hanging here with you? Or Teal'c?"
"Well, that would be plain scary. No, seriously, it'd be pretty weird to have Carter here."
"Why?"
"You know... she's a woman. With you it's more... I dunno... comfortable. This is purely hypothetical, right?"
"Absolutely. And I know what you mean, Jack. There's nothing more than friendship between Sam and me and still the sexual tension would be almost impossible to avoid in a situation like this."
"Oh, you mean to say you're just irresistible to all women?"
"Look who's talking - Mr. Macho himself!"
"I'm not macho."
"Whatever. But who do you think she'd be attracted to: a well-built military man or a geeky archaeologist?"
"You're not geeky and probably in better shape than I am. You think I haven't noticed how your biceps bulge under that T-shirt of yours?"
"Drop the act, Jack. We both know it's got nothing to do with the size of my biceps. All you have to do is walk into a room spreading that masculine scent of yours and the game is over for the rest of us."
"Excuse me? I'm not even sure if I should be more offended that you're implying I smell constantly of sweat or that I do all this somehow on purpose."
"It wasn't an insult and I do think you know how women see you, how attractive you are... in their eyes."
"Well, call me an idiot, but the thought has never crossed my mind."
"Oh, you just give those sideways glances for no good reason and hand out the warm smiles to everyone, right?"
"Hey, wait a sec! Am I the one showing off my tight little ass every goddamn time I bend over some pieces of pottery, or licking my lips with that teasing pink tongue?"
"Hey-hey-hey...!"
"...And not to mention how you keep taking your glasses off pretending to rub your eyes when all you really want is everyone to see exactly how blue they are!"
"W-w-what?! You're accusing me of being... a flirt?!"
"A shameless one."
"I can't believe it... This coming from a man who's getting more gorgeous with every new touch of silver in his hair! Do you have any idea how good you look in your uniform? My god, Jack..."
"Well, where are they? The women, I mean. No lines forming around here..."
"C'mon, Jack. I know how... I've seen how women look at you. You're... a hunk."
"No-no-no... you're what I... you're what the women want - an intellectual, sympathetic man. A modern man. A beautiful man."
"Oh, sure, I really recognise myself from that description! And what the hell does 'modern' mean? Like macho is ever going to go out of fashion."
"For the last time, I'm not macho!"
"You're gorgeous! What woman wouldn't want that?"
"Then how come I'm divorced and living alone?"
"Yeah, like I'm happily married, gimme a break, Jack..."
"It's different. Your wife is... lost. But if you wanted you could have anyone you like."
"No, that's you who could have anyone."
"Well, maybe I don't want just anyone!"
"Well, maybe I don't either!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"And would you stop doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Squirming like that."
"You told me to keep shifting my weight from one leg to the other."
"Well, now I'm telling you to stop it."
"Why?"
"Let's just say there are certain parts of my body that aren't all that cold at the moment."
"Oh? ...Oh!"
"Yeah. And you swinging your hips like that isn't really helping."
"Jack..."
"Back off, it'll be over soon, I just got a little carried away."
"Uh, Jack..."
"I can't help noticing that you're getting closer when I asked you to move back. Dammit, Daniel, can't you feel what I'm talking about?"
"No, Jack, can't you feel it?"
"What do you mean... goddammit... Daniel!"
"I know. I'm hard as a rock. I can't believe it."
"Now, now... it's perfectly natural... with all this talk about... women."
"Yes. Women."
"Oh, hell... Guess we'll have to do something about that then."
"I'm open to suggestions. Maybe we could try singing after all."
"No, I meant... forget it."
"What?"
"I said forget it."
"No, Jack. Tell me."
"You know... both being in the same... condition.... Forget it!"
"What if I don't want to?"
"Still playing 'what-ifs', are we, Daniel?"
"No... Yes. What if I said that I sort of ...liked... the fact that we're... in the same condition?"
"I'd think you had some mental issues to work on."
"Jack..."
"Okay, then, you asked for it... If you said that, then I would probably ask whether you'd care to do something about it."
"And what if I said that I would? Very much so."
"Then I would ask you if I could..."
"What, Jack? If you could what?"
"If I knew you wouldn't mind it, I guess I would...."
"What?"
"...get a little closer like this and..."
"Yes, Jack... What then?"
"I would try to dig up your face from my memory, the blue of your eyes, the shape of your nose, the arch of your lips..."
"Jack..."
"... and then I would simply do this...."
"Wha--?"
"...that. Was it what you had in mind?"
"Er... it does beat singing about beer bottles."
"So, care for another? If I can find your mouth the second time around, that is."
"Uh... yes... yes, please..."
"...okay, was that your tongue down my throat or have I slipped into dreamland?"
"Yes, it was, and yes, we have. Um, Jack... what are we doing?"
"Not a clue."
"This can't be happening."
"I know."
"This can't be happening, this can't be happening...."
"Okay, Danny, I heard you the first time. We both agree that none of this is really happening."
"And if this isn't happening, then it must be a dream."
"Are you saying we're having the same dream?"
"I don't think I'm saying anything if none of this is happening."
"Calm down, Daniel, you're losing me. Now, we know this is a dream, it's gotta be a dream, 'cos if this were real, would I be nibbling your ear like this...?"
"God, I hope not... "
"So, nothing to worry about."
"Because this isn't real."
"Exactly."
"And in a dream you decide what will happen, right?"
"Right."
"So, I can, for example, decide that this metal ring snaps and I can now reach down for your nipples, pull your shirt up and bite them and lick them and suck them and..."
"Yes, Daniel, you could decide to do that, unless you had some pity on the old man and wouldn't want me to have a stroke right in front of you."
"I know mouth-to-mouth."
"O-kay, that makes all the difference."
"Jack, I want you. And if this isn't real, I can just say it, out loud and without shame."
"And you can't die in a dream, can you, not even of a stroke, so there's nothing stopping me from enjoying the idea of..."
"...my tongue on your skin, moving slowly across your chest, from nipple to nipple and then up and down, losing it's way in that silver hair and finding it again, heading lower, and lower..."
"Daniel, I should warn you, if you go any lower I'll wet my pants."
"I'm going to hold you to that one.... Jack, I'll go crazy if I can't touch you."
"No, you can't go crazy, 'cos this is a dream and you get to call the shots. And since it's the same dream, I have some power, too, and I use it by grabbing you by the hair and pulling you up from the floor."
"I'm not fighting back, 'cos I want to taste your lips again, let my tongue roam free in your mouth."
"The clothes are gone, it's just you and me, Danny-boy, the way nature intended, and my skin hits yours, and our two hard organs rub against each other... dick against dick..."
"I want to go down on you again, I have to have a taste, just a little taste... show you how much you mean to me..."
"But I'm in control now, the dream is mine now, Danny, it's all mine. And any minute now this room will disappear and the lights are back on and we'll see a great big bed over there."
"Are our hands free, too? Can I touch you?"
"Mine are, but yours are still tied when I throw you onto the bed, face down, naked. And there you lie, completely at my mercy... that ass of yours... all round and delicious... shivering like it knows what's about to come."
"And what is coming, Jack?"
"Pain. I want to warm you up first..."
"...but I don't need it. I want you to hurt me. I want you to make me scream."
"You have no idea how exciting it is to hear you say that, but I can't hurt you... I could never hurt you, Daniel."
"I wanted to taste you, suck every last drop out of you... but if you won't let me take you in my mouth, then I want that purple piece of your flesh to cut right through me... to take me without asking for my permission..."
"Then I ask you nothing... no... I'm inside you with one strong push and I hear you screaming from the pain..."
"But I'm enjoying it, I need you to hurt me... through the pain I can find the purest pleasure, something always looked for and never found... but I find it and I scream... I scream your name, Jack, to thank you for it... to encourage you to do it again..."
"And I'm fucking you... like an animal... hard and violent... owning you... having you..."
"Having me... Oh, god, Jack!"
"Daniel!"
"Daniel? Colonel?"
"Sam? Wha-wha--?"
"Carter! It's... good to see you."
"Are you all right, sir? They're over here!"
"No, please, no more audience. Just get us out of here, will ya, captain."
"Of course. Let me get those ropes... there. Can you stand on your own?"
"Um, Sam... I think we'd better wait for a moment here, you know, to let our eyes get used to the light..."
"...and to let the circulation get back on track. You go ahead, Carter, we'll catch up."
"Sir...? Uh... fine. I'll be waiting outside, you take your time..."
"Thanks, Sam."
"Oh, fuck..."
"You think she noticed?"
"You think she didn't?"
"Why didn't we notice?"
"I was busy. What's your excuse?"
"Jack, what are we going to do?"
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
"Jack... we can't simply ignore this."
"Of course we can. What could be easier to ignore than what never happened?"
"Wha...? Oh, never happened... It wasn't real, so it never happened. That's good, I can live with that."
"No you can't."
"No?"
"No, Daniel, 'cos I won't let you. And we have more important things at the moment."
"Like what?"
"Like what are we gonna do about these stains on our pants?"
The End.
"What?"
"You're standing on my foot. Again."
"Oh, sorry, Jack, didn't realise. My legs are getting kinda numb."
"No, shit? Could it by any chance be due to the fact that we've been standing here for.... I dunno.... ages?"
"You're making it sound like it's somehow my fault."
"Well, maybe it is."
"Hey-hey, I wasn't the one being so eager to find out what these people's guns look like."
"I was only doing my job and in case it might have slipped your mind, SG-1 is first and foremost a military unit and finding new means of defense is what we do."
"And I guess sneaking into other people's most sacred places goes with the territory."
"How was I supposed to know it was sacred? The door was wide open and..."
"No it wasn't."
"Well unlocked, same thing. And remind me again why we have an anthropologist in the team?"
"These things take time! How could I have possibly known that they'd have such a strict taboo on weapons? You can't expect me to have all the answers after spending a few hours in a totally new culture. My god, Jack, the process of complete socialisation takes years!"
"I'm sorry, but as much as I personally enjoy camping out, we really don't have time to spent years on every goddamn planet we come across."
"I'm not saying it should be years, but there's still no way you can blame this one on me. For once it was you who rushed in head first, and look where it got us."
"It's kinda hard to do any looking around here, being in a pitch-black basement as we are. "
"Not my fault. And stop swinging that ring, it's solid metal and bolted deep in the ceiling, you're only hurting yourself. And me."
"Well, someone's gotta actually do something around here, Danny-boy. This academic arguing isn't helping one tiny little bit."
"And you dislocating my shoulder does help?"
"Any other suggestions? We already tried untying each other's hands."
"Yes, and that hurt almost as much as this. It's no use, Jack."
"If there was an antique urn or something nearby, I bet you would've bitten through these ropes already."
"Jack, stop doing that! There's no escape, so stop it. Stop!"
"Daniel...? You're not hyperventilating, are you?"
"No, I'm not. I'm just..."
"...breathing very hard. Nice, claustrophobia is exactly what we need right now."
"I'm not claustrophobic! Or at least I wasn't... Thank you so much, Jack, for bringing that up!"
"Okay, now, don't panic."
"What else is there to do?!"
"Let's just breathe... slowly... good. Feeling better?"
"A little."
"That'll do. And how could anyone possibly get claustrophobic if they can't even see where the walls are?"
"I know where they are, I was wide awake when they brought us in here, but it's not the walls that bother me. It's the ceiling. It's so low that I can practically touch it."
"Well, it's hard rock, it's not going anywhere."
"Thanks, Jack. Just thinking about the weight of those stones over my head makes me feel so much better."
"What next? Are you gonna tell me you're afraid of the dark as well?"
"I'd rather get eaten by bedbugs than tell you anything anymore."
"Nice to know you've got the right attitude. That's the spirit we need to get the hell outta here."
"Can't we just wait for them to come back and try to explain that it was all a mistake?"
"Yeah, they seemed to be really keen on hearing your explanation about cultural differences and honouring their customs and all the usual stuff."
"You're not turning this into one of those science versus military things, are you?"
"Maybe I am."
"Fine, then. You go and tear your hand off, what do I care. Just remember we're tied to the same ring and I'd like to keep my arms attached to the rest of my body for a little while longer, if you don't mind."
"Fine. We'll see how you talk your way outta this one."
"Fine."
"Fine!"
******
"Still here, Jack?"
"Get off my back."
"Actually I'm right here in front of you, if you haven't noticed by now."
"I'm trying real hard not to."
"Look, Jack, I know we're both tired and more or less fed up with this, but couldn't we stop this stupid bickering?"
"Hmm..."
"Don't give me that!"
"What?"
"That look."
"There's no way you can see any look."
"Yes, I can. You rolled your eyes, didn't you? I know you, Jack."
"Well, let's see... my knee is killing me and this metal ring is rubbing the skin off my wrists and I could really use a steak right about now and on top of all that I have you, bitching and moaning over every goddamn thing. Oh, I think I have more than enough reason to do whatever I want to with my goddamn eyes!"
"And I'm just hanging here for fun?"
"Sorry... Didn't mean to lash out at you."
"I do not moan. Or bitch."
"Of course you don't, Daniel."
"I merely expressed my wish to have both of my arms in working condition. And even if you could've gotten our hands free, you'd have to carry me out of here, 'cos my legs feel like two very overdone strings of spaghetti."
"Not 'al dente'?"
"Not even close."
"Oh, and Daniel, without meaning to sound as pissed off about all this as I actually am, could you please stop bashing my face with your head?"
"Sorry. I was trying to push my glasses back up, they keep falling down my nose."
"Oh, for crying out loud..."
"Fine then, don't help. I don't need you."
"Of course you do, Daniel. All this complaining is just making me feel more guilty than I really am."
"Was that an attempted apology?"
"Leave me alone."
"Wish I could."
"Me, too. Now, are you gonna let me help you with those glasses or do I have to go through the rest of my life without a nose?"
"If you insist. Mind you, I didn't ask for help, I could do this perfectly fine by myself."
"Sure you could. But I like my nose, or what's left of it, so what d'ya want me to do?"
"Just push them up a bit."
"With what?"
"I dunno, use your teeth, nose, anything."
"Oh, you mean the one you just broke?"
"Yes, unless you've got another one hidden somewhere."
"If I were you, I wouldn't push my luck with any more smart-ass comments."
"Please."
"The things I do for you... Okay, let's see... "
"You don't have to crush my face entirely, you know."
"Shut up, Daniel. You try this without hands and in the dark.. Say when they're... Oops."
"Oh, well, it's not like I'll be needing them here anyhow."
"Glad you're taking this so well."
"It was an accident. Right, Jack?"
"Yeah. Right."
******
"Daniel?"
"Yeah?"
"Just checking you're still awake. We can't fall asleep."
"I know. And who could sleep with your stubble scratching their face."
"Well, your cheek isn't exactly like a baby's bottom, either."
"Sorry."
"Ditto."
"Jack, I've been thinking, and what if this is it? I mean really it?"
"Nah. I don't see my life flashing before my eyes. And besides, it would be a really long picture show - you'd die of old age."
"We haven't ever discussed the drawbacks of this continuous use of humour as a defence mechanism, have we, Jack?"
"No, and we never will. Anyway, I'm sure Sam and Teal'c are already back home by now and we'll be out of here in no time."
"Assuming they got away."
"Sure they did. Or do you see them anywhere around here?"
"Or maybe they're up there right now negotiating our release. There's no reason they would've been captured, after all they didn't violate the taboo."
"Is there any particular reason why we're returning to the same subject over and over?"
"I only want you to admit that you're not perfect... 'colonel'."
"Who said I was? And by the way, why are you here?"
"Because I followed you into the room."
"Exactly. And what does that make you? An accomplice."
"No, just plain stupid. So sue me."
"They already have. Obviously we weren't invited to the trial but I'm sure we won't miss the punishment part."
"Meaning, you don't think this is it yet?"
"Nah, you gotta let the meat hang properly before..."
"Don't, Jack, don't even say it. Please. I'm feeling sick enough as it is."
"Now, don't forget to turn your head. Anywhere away from me is fine."
"Thanks for the support."
"Is it cold in here, or is it just you?"
"No, it's really getting cold, the sun must have gone down. And if it gets any colder than this, we'll probably freeze to death."
"Maybe that's the punishment. Not very imaginative, I'd say."
"I'm serious, Jack. I can't feel my fingers anymore."
"Just try to keep them moving."
"Have you ever tried to move a part of your body that you're not even sure is still there?"
"Here, feel this? These are your fingers, all ten of them. Now, reach out and squeeze my hands, harder, that's it. See, it's all there."
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Please don't let go."
"I won't. Promise."
******
"If this was really it, you know what my biggest regret would be? That I had that garlic chicken last night. You didn't deserve that."
"Daniel... didn't we talk about this just the other day, didn't we agree that you wouldn't make jokes without warning me first? And besides, I've been standing here, about two inches from your face for... well, longer than I care to think, and I can assure you, you don't have bad breath."
"Good. Wouldn't want to end my days with someone who hates me."
"Well, I don't hate you."
"Then you admit it's your fault we're here?"
"Fine. I'm not perfect."
"But close."
"You're shooting them out like a little cannon, aren't ya?"
"I learned from the best."
"Glad you acknowledge it. And in case you're wondering, my biggest regret would be trusting those goddamn ads and buying this I-can't-believe-it's-deodorant! 'Keeps you fresh all day long' - my ass."
"You... don't smell bad."
"Oh, thank you!"
"I mean, you smell like... you."
"You mean 'sweaty'?"
"I mean 'masculine'."
"And the difference would be...?"
"Um..."
"Beep - time's up. You just lost yourself a brand new toaster!"
"Please, don't mention anything food related."
"An annual volume of the Modern Archaeologist, then. Oh, and Daniel, while we're on the subject, have you noticed that the only thing keeping you up are the ropes around your wrists and me?"
"How's that even close to the subject?"
"You're an archaeologist, aren't you?"
"That has absolutely nothing to do with..."
"Okay, okay! Still I hate to tell you this, Daniel, but would you consider shifting your weight back onto your own two feet now? Mine aren't feeling all that good, either."
"I'm not sure I can."
"C'mon now, 'legs', up you go."
"Stop pushing me! And don't call me 'legs'."
"So, stand up! There you go... you're doing great... already stepped on my foot once... yes... there you go, you did it again... good, good... okay, you can stop now... stop it, Daniel, or we'll both be crippled."
"God, that hurts!"
"Tell me about it. Try shifting your weight back and forth form one leg to the other. It should keep your blood flowing."
"And you couldn't tell me that hours ago?!"
"Forgot it. And I thought you were just cold when you started to inch your way onto me."
"I was never on you! I only needed something to lean... on."
"Well, I need my legs back now, so c'mon, left-right-left..."
"I don't think I need you to beat time for me. I can manage just fine on my own. "
"Now, aren't you a big boy, Danny!"
"Maybe too early to hit the dance floor, but at least I know my legs are still part of me."
"I wouldn't let you dance with my worst enemy. You aim for the toes, don't ya?"
"Funny, Jack. With you I know I'll die with a smile on my face."
"Happy to oblige. And nobody's dying here."
"Any ideas what to do while we wait for... our rescue?"
"Play twenty questions? Sing a song? Somehow I think charades is out of the question. "
"That would probably be a seriously frustrating game. And I only know the words for 'ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall'."
"Shouldn't that be 'ninety-nine ancient artefacts on the wall'?"
"It doesn't even rhyme. Oh, why didn't I let you go alone into that room!"
"So, we're playing what-if's?"
"No... Or why not. What if I weren't here? And instead it was Sam hanging here with you? Or Teal'c?"
"Well, that would be plain scary. No, seriously, it'd be pretty weird to have Carter here."
"Why?"
"You know... she's a woman. With you it's more... I dunno... comfortable. This is purely hypothetical, right?"
"Absolutely. And I know what you mean, Jack. There's nothing more than friendship between Sam and me and still the sexual tension would be almost impossible to avoid in a situation like this."
"Oh, you mean to say you're just irresistible to all women?"
"Look who's talking - Mr. Macho himself!"
"I'm not macho."
"Whatever. But who do you think she'd be attracted to: a well-built military man or a geeky archaeologist?"
"You're not geeky and probably in better shape than I am. You think I haven't noticed how your biceps bulge under that T-shirt of yours?"
"Drop the act, Jack. We both know it's got nothing to do with the size of my biceps. All you have to do is walk into a room spreading that masculine scent of yours and the game is over for the rest of us."
"Excuse me? I'm not even sure if I should be more offended that you're implying I smell constantly of sweat or that I do all this somehow on purpose."
"It wasn't an insult and I do think you know how women see you, how attractive you are... in their eyes."
"Well, call me an idiot, but the thought has never crossed my mind."
"Oh, you just give those sideways glances for no good reason and hand out the warm smiles to everyone, right?"
"Hey, wait a sec! Am I the one showing off my tight little ass every goddamn time I bend over some pieces of pottery, or licking my lips with that teasing pink tongue?"
"Hey-hey-hey...!"
"...And not to mention how you keep taking your glasses off pretending to rub your eyes when all you really want is everyone to see exactly how blue they are!"
"W-w-what?! You're accusing me of being... a flirt?!"
"A shameless one."
"I can't believe it... This coming from a man who's getting more gorgeous with every new touch of silver in his hair! Do you have any idea how good you look in your uniform? My god, Jack..."
"Well, where are they? The women, I mean. No lines forming around here..."
"C'mon, Jack. I know how... I've seen how women look at you. You're... a hunk."
"No-no-no... you're what I... you're what the women want - an intellectual, sympathetic man. A modern man. A beautiful man."
"Oh, sure, I really recognise myself from that description! And what the hell does 'modern' mean? Like macho is ever going to go out of fashion."
"For the last time, I'm not macho!"
"You're gorgeous! What woman wouldn't want that?"
"Then how come I'm divorced and living alone?"
"Yeah, like I'm happily married, gimme a break, Jack..."
"It's different. Your wife is... lost. But if you wanted you could have anyone you like."
"No, that's you who could have anyone."
"Well, maybe I don't want just anyone!"
"Well, maybe I don't either!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"And would you stop doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Squirming like that."
"You told me to keep shifting my weight from one leg to the other."
"Well, now I'm telling you to stop it."
"Why?"
"Let's just say there are certain parts of my body that aren't all that cold at the moment."
"Oh? ...Oh!"
"Yeah. And you swinging your hips like that isn't really helping."
"Jack..."
"Back off, it'll be over soon, I just got a little carried away."
"Uh, Jack..."
"I can't help noticing that you're getting closer when I asked you to move back. Dammit, Daniel, can't you feel what I'm talking about?"
"No, Jack, can't you feel it?"
"What do you mean... goddammit... Daniel!"
"I know. I'm hard as a rock. I can't believe it."
"Now, now... it's perfectly natural... with all this talk about... women."
"Yes. Women."
"Oh, hell... Guess we'll have to do something about that then."
"I'm open to suggestions. Maybe we could try singing after all."
"No, I meant... forget it."
"What?"
"I said forget it."
"No, Jack. Tell me."
"You know... both being in the same... condition.... Forget it!"
"What if I don't want to?"
"Still playing 'what-ifs', are we, Daniel?"
"No... Yes. What if I said that I sort of ...liked... the fact that we're... in the same condition?"
"I'd think you had some mental issues to work on."
"Jack..."
"Okay, then, you asked for it... If you said that, then I would probably ask whether you'd care to do something about it."
"And what if I said that I would? Very much so."
"Then I would ask you if I could..."
"What, Jack? If you could what?"
"If I knew you wouldn't mind it, I guess I would...."
"What?"
"...get a little closer like this and..."
"Yes, Jack... What then?"
"I would try to dig up your face from my memory, the blue of your eyes, the shape of your nose, the arch of your lips..."
"Jack..."
"... and then I would simply do this...."
"Wha--?"
"...that. Was it what you had in mind?"
"Er... it does beat singing about beer bottles."
"So, care for another? If I can find your mouth the second time around, that is."
"Uh... yes... yes, please..."
"...okay, was that your tongue down my throat or have I slipped into dreamland?"
"Yes, it was, and yes, we have. Um, Jack... what are we doing?"
"Not a clue."
"This can't be happening."
"I know."
"This can't be happening, this can't be happening...."
"Okay, Danny, I heard you the first time. We both agree that none of this is really happening."
"And if this isn't happening, then it must be a dream."
"Are you saying we're having the same dream?"
"I don't think I'm saying anything if none of this is happening."
"Calm down, Daniel, you're losing me. Now, we know this is a dream, it's gotta be a dream, 'cos if this were real, would I be nibbling your ear like this...?"
"God, I hope not... "
"So, nothing to worry about."
"Because this isn't real."
"Exactly."
"And in a dream you decide what will happen, right?"
"Right."
"So, I can, for example, decide that this metal ring snaps and I can now reach down for your nipples, pull your shirt up and bite them and lick them and suck them and..."
"Yes, Daniel, you could decide to do that, unless you had some pity on the old man and wouldn't want me to have a stroke right in front of you."
"I know mouth-to-mouth."
"O-kay, that makes all the difference."
"Jack, I want you. And if this isn't real, I can just say it, out loud and without shame."
"And you can't die in a dream, can you, not even of a stroke, so there's nothing stopping me from enjoying the idea of..."
"...my tongue on your skin, moving slowly across your chest, from nipple to nipple and then up and down, losing it's way in that silver hair and finding it again, heading lower, and lower..."
"Daniel, I should warn you, if you go any lower I'll wet my pants."
"I'm going to hold you to that one.... Jack, I'll go crazy if I can't touch you."
"No, you can't go crazy, 'cos this is a dream and you get to call the shots. And since it's the same dream, I have some power, too, and I use it by grabbing you by the hair and pulling you up from the floor."
"I'm not fighting back, 'cos I want to taste your lips again, let my tongue roam free in your mouth."
"The clothes are gone, it's just you and me, Danny-boy, the way nature intended, and my skin hits yours, and our two hard organs rub against each other... dick against dick..."
"I want to go down on you again, I have to have a taste, just a little taste... show you how much you mean to me..."
"But I'm in control now, the dream is mine now, Danny, it's all mine. And any minute now this room will disappear and the lights are back on and we'll see a great big bed over there."
"Are our hands free, too? Can I touch you?"
"Mine are, but yours are still tied when I throw you onto the bed, face down, naked. And there you lie, completely at my mercy... that ass of yours... all round and delicious... shivering like it knows what's about to come."
"And what is coming, Jack?"
"Pain. I want to warm you up first..."
"...but I don't need it. I want you to hurt me. I want you to make me scream."
"You have no idea how exciting it is to hear you say that, but I can't hurt you... I could never hurt you, Daniel."
"I wanted to taste you, suck every last drop out of you... but if you won't let me take you in my mouth, then I want that purple piece of your flesh to cut right through me... to take me without asking for my permission..."
"Then I ask you nothing... no... I'm inside you with one strong push and I hear you screaming from the pain..."
"But I'm enjoying it, I need you to hurt me... through the pain I can find the purest pleasure, something always looked for and never found... but I find it and I scream... I scream your name, Jack, to thank you for it... to encourage you to do it again..."
"And I'm fucking you... like an animal... hard and violent... owning you... having you..."
"Having me... Oh, god, Jack!"
"Daniel!"
"Daniel? Colonel?"
"Sam? Wha-wha--?"
"Carter! It's... good to see you."
"Are you all right, sir? They're over here!"
"No, please, no more audience. Just get us out of here, will ya, captain."
"Of course. Let me get those ropes... there. Can you stand on your own?"
"Um, Sam... I think we'd better wait for a moment here, you know, to let our eyes get used to the light..."
"...and to let the circulation get back on track. You go ahead, Carter, we'll catch up."
"Sir...? Uh... fine. I'll be waiting outside, you take your time..."
"Thanks, Sam."
"Oh, fuck..."
"You think she noticed?"
"You think she didn't?"
"Why didn't we notice?"
"I was busy. What's your excuse?"
"Jack, what are we going to do?"
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
"Jack... we can't simply ignore this."
"Of course we can. What could be easier to ignore than what never happened?"
"Wha...? Oh, never happened... It wasn't real, so it never happened. That's good, I can live with that."
"No you can't."
"No?"
"No, Daniel, 'cos I won't let you. And we have more important things at the moment."
"Like what?"
"Like what are we gonna do about these stains on our pants?"
The End.