1. Giving a hand

Today started out as any other day at Hogwarts. James had snuck back into his own room after having spent the night with Lily, Peter had snored so loud that Sirius had put a silencing charm around his bed somewhere in the middle of the night, Remus had been out of bed before the sun was up, to study, and Sirius, well, he had slept right through the morning. But something about this morning had felt different, and Remus had felt it from the moment he had woken up. A feeling, a darkness, has been on his mind for the last months, but today, it makes him feel cold. It makes him feel anxious, unnerved. It makes him unable to focus on the book in front of him.

For seven years, the four friends have been students at Hogwarts. They had all met each other in the first year, and they had become the best of friends. After the first year, they had even been able to become roommates. Just the four of them in a room, the teachers had all had their doubts, but somehow it hadn't affected their schoolwork. It hadn't been a bad thing at all, it had only brought them closer. Remus had even told them about his 'condition', his lycanthropy. Before, professor Dumbledore would help him, cover for him. But Remus had trusted the three young men, and he had been right to. Because they had stuck by him, and they had supported him, and covered for him when he needed it. Every full moon, Sirius had even gone with him, to take him to the Shack, and make sure he would be safe in there until he could come back to them. He wouldn't leave, until he had double, or triple-checked that Remus wouldn't be able to get out and hurt someone. It had brought them closer together, and those moments, where Remus had been at his most vulnerable, and Sirius had been there for him, it had made them the best of friends.

But over the last few months, a darkness has been looming over Remus. Because there are only a few months left here at Hogwarts. They were just children when they had met, but they are now technically adults, ready to graduate and go out into 'the real world'. The real world, where they won't be together anymore, where the safety of Hogwarts, of these friendships, it will be gone. He will be out there, on his own, a danger to the world. Hated, feared, if someone were to find out his secret. It makes him feel sick to his stomach, the anxiety making him unable to fall asleep. He lies awake, tears falling from his eyes. Because he just cannot see how there is a future for him out there.

This morning had started out like any other morning, but when Sirius had noticed Remus sitting on his bed, the curtains open, staring at the book, clearly not reading it, just staring, he had joined him on the bed. He had put his head on his friend's shoulder, and cuddled up to him.

"What's wrong?" he had whispered, but Remus had just shrugged. "You'll do just fine. You're the clever one, remember?"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm just…," Remus had tried, but James had come back into the room, a big grin on his face. He had started talking about Lily again, and that was that. Sirius had shot Remus a questioning look, but the moment had gone.

"Remus?" Sirius asks, when they are alone in the bedroom again, later that day. "Talk to me."

"I can't."

"You can. It's me," Sirius says, a small smile on his face, but it's a worried smile. James is always up for a laugh, and he is never really upset about anything. Peter, no one quite knows what goes on inside his head, but he never seems to be too upset. If he is, it only lasts a minute. But Remus, he is different. He has a condition which is weighing him down, but on top of that, there is something else. Something that Sirius has noticed getting worse over the last few weeks. It's a sadness. Remus has gotten quieter, and it worries him.

"I'm fine," Remus says, but Sirius just sits down on the end of his bed, and puts his hand on Remus' leg.

"You're sad," he says, and Remus nods, looking down at his hands in his lap. "Your condition?" Sirius asks, but Remus shakes his head.

"I have no future out there, Sirius," he then says, but he doesn't look up at his best friend. He's too scared, too nervous to see his face right now. What if Sirius just laughs at him?

"No future? What do you mean? You are so clever, you…"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm scared… about hurting people. Here, I'm safe. But out there, what if…," Remus tries, but he can feel the lump in his throat getting bigger with each word.

"You are not going to hurt anyone," Sirius says, a determined tone in his voice. "We will get this under control. We will find you a place to live, where…"

"Where I will have to be locked up, like a monster?" Remus spits out, now finally looking up. "It's what I am, isn't it?"

"No, don't you dare say that!" Sirius says, and he can feel tears burning in his eyes. Remus means the world to him, and to think that he sees himself as a monster, it breaks his heart. "You are not a monster, Remus. I promise you that we will find a way to get it under control, or we'll find a cure, but…," he tries, but he can't find the right words. "You are not going to hurt anyone. You are the kindest…"

"I'm not myself when I'm… a monster," Remus says, the last two words barely a whisper. "I am scared, I don't even sleep anymore, because I am scared that one day it's going to take over. I'm going to become that… thing, and I won't change back. And I will kill everyone…," he blurts out, the words being true, but he had never meant to say them out loud.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"What's the point? In a few months you'll be gone, and…"

"I'm not going anywhere," Sirius interrupts him. "You're my best friend, and I'm sticking around. I love you. You know that, right?" he says, and Remus gives a little nod.

"I love you too."

"You better," Sirius says, and Remus can't help but flash a small smile. "You're going to be okay, Remus."

It's been a few days, and although Remus had felt better after telling Sirius about his fears, it hadn't actually taken away the fear. He's now in bed, unable to sleep. Scared about the future, scared about hurting people. Scared to go to sleep and never wake up as himself again. He opens his curtain, to get out of bed and have a glass of water, but once the curtain is open, he looks straight into Sirius' face.

"Scoot over," he says, and Remus does as he is told. Sirius climbs into the bed with him, and closes the curtain behind him. "Go to sleep, Remus. I will make sure you're safe. I promise," he whispers, and he puts his hand on the side of Remus' face. He flashes the smallest smile, before pressing a kiss onto his forehead. Remus closes his eyes, the warmth of Sirius' body against his, making him feel safe, and very sleepy all of the sudden.

When Remus wakes up, Sirius is cuddled up to him, and he can't help but smile. Last night, he had been terrified. But once Sirius had joined him, he had felt safe. He had fallen asleep within seconds, and he hadn't woken up once throughout the night. He hears a lot of noise, and realises that the other guys are already up. It must be late then.

"Where the fuck is Sirius?" James laughs.

"You know what he's like," Peter laughs, and Remus can't help but smile, because their friend is still asleep, cuddled up to him.

"True, so he could be in, what, just about every single person's bed right now?" Remus hears James laugh. "Bastard."

"You're just jealous" Sirius mumbles, and Remus realises that he has just woken up. He can't help but laugh, and his friends in the bedroom go quiet.

"Did you hear that?" James asks, after a few seconds.

"I said, you're just jealous," Sirius repeats, and the curtain is being opened within a second. Both James and Peter are standing there, both with a shocked look on their face. Sirius actually cuddles up to Remus more, and closes his eyes again.

"Wait, so are you two…?" Peter asks, and Remus can't help but laugh.

"We're not," he laughs.

"I'm not his type," Sirius answers, his eyes still closed. "I've still got my bits."

"Right… so why is he in your bed? Half-naked…"

"Because this is how I sleep. Fuck off," Sirius says, and he opens his eyes again. "What? You've never seen two guys share a bed?"

"So you didn't…?" Peter asks.

"Fuck off, Peter," Sirius says, and he gets out of bed. "Seriously. What is wrong with you two?"

"Nothing, it's just that… well, I thought maybe you two were getting it on. That's all," James says, and Remus can feel his cheeks going red. "But you're not, so…"

"Fuck off," Sirius repeats, as he gets into his own bed. He closes the curtain, and Remus can't help but smile. He gets out of bed, grabs his things, and goes to the showers. But when he gets there, they are all occupied, so he will have to wait, as per usual.

"I thought you had gone back to sleep," he says, when Sirius joins him a few minutes later. Sirius shrugs, and opens his mouth to say something, but one of the shower cubicles opens, and a young man comes out. He quickly walks past them, without saying hello, so Sirius rolls his eyes, as he gets into the cubicle.

"Wait, I was…"

"First, yeah. I was second," Sirius shrugs. "Come on," he says, as he holds open the door. Remus shakes his head, as he gets into the cubicle. The cubicles are always full, so they used to share the showers all the time, but not for the last few years. It actually makes Remus feel a bit uncomfortable. But it's just Sirius, so he takes a deep breath, and quickly gets out of his clothes. He tries to get through the shower without thinking about the fact that there is someone in there with him, but then he catches himself looking at his friend. He can feel his face flush, and he quickly looks away. But then Sirius leans over to him, his mouth actually touching his ear.

"Did you just check me out?" he whispers, the sound of the water almost drowning out his voice. But when Remus pulls away and looks at his face, he realises that he has heard him correctly. He sees a cheeky smirk on Sirius' face, and nods.

"Sorry," he mouths. He leans over, bringing his mouth up to Sirius' ear. "It was an accident."

"That too?" Sirius asks, lowering his eyes. Remus quickly covers himself up, but it's obvious that Sirius had already seen. He wants to run away and hide, never come back. Because how do you recover from being caught checking out your best friend, and then getting hard? It really was just an accident. He doesn't even look at Sirius in that way. Never has. He closes his eyes, unable to face what is happening, but then he can feel Sirius' warm breath against his face again.

"Has anyone ever, you know," Sirius asks, and Remus opens his eyes. Sirius is motioning with his hand, making Remus feel more flushed than ever before. "Given you a hand, so to speak," Sirius laughs. Remus has only ever kissed a few girls, years ago. After it, he would get dumped for being a bad boyfriend, so things had never progressed from there on out. So no, he had never 'been given a hand, so to speak'.

"No," Remus answers truthfully, still covering himself up. Sirius has a mischievous look on his face, as he leans back to his friend's ear.

"May I?" he asks, before leaning back, to see Remus' face. But Remus doesn't know what is happening. Is this a joke? Is Sirius trying to embarrass him? Would he do that to him? What is this? But before he can actually think about it, something inside of him, had made him give a little nod. He closes his eyes, and after a few seconds, he can feel Sirius pushing away his hands, and he realises he is now fully exposed. A hand wraps around him, and his eyes shoot open. Sirius is looking at him, that mischievous look still on his face. Remus feels like his legs are about to give out, and a thousand thoughts are running through his mind, but when he looks into Sirius' eyes, a sense of calm comes over him. This is his best friend, this is safe.

"Are you okay?" Sirius whispers into Remus' ear, after Remus has leaned his forehead against his shoulder. But Remus doesn't answer, he needs a minute to stop seeing stars, to catch his breath, to get his heartbeat to go back to a normal speed. Sirius wraps his arms around him, pulling him into a hug, and Remus clings onto him, a lump in his throat.

"Do you think anyone heard?" Remus asks, when they are back on their way to the bedroom.

"Of course not. The water drowns out everything. Trust me. I've done everything in there," Sirius says, and Remus nods, his face still flushed from what had happened in the shower. But somehow he doesn't feel bad, or wrong. It had felt safe, it still feels safe. "Are you okay?" Sirius asks, and he puts his hand on Remus' lower back.

"I am."

It's been just over a week since Sirius had first spent the night in Remus' bed. But since then, he spends every night there, to make sure that Remus feels safe enough to sleep. Before, he would sometimes stay away at night, spend the night with someone. But not anymore, Remus is more important.

Remus has just gotten out of class, and he has the rest of the day off. All he wants to do is go outside and enjoy the sun, but it's only two days until the full moon, so he is feeling anxious, and he knows he will probably spend the rest of the day in bed, reading a book. But before he goes to the bedroom, he goes into the toilets, which are usually empty at this time of day. Not today though. As soon as he enters, he can hear moaning, and at first he thinks someone might be hurt. But then he catches the reflections in the mirror, of the two young men in the cubicle, the door open. A guy Remus doesn't really know, is standing against the side of the cubicle, his hands and face pressed up against it, while Sirius is standing behind him, pushing into him. The guy is moaning, he seems to be really into it, but Sirius seems bored. He seems distracted. He actually catches Remus' in the mirror, and he winks at him. Remus wants to turn and leave, but that's when Sirius closes his eyes, and leans his head back. His mouth opens slightly, but not a sound comes out. He pulls out, and Remus turns around, because he should not be seeing this. He has walked in on things like this before, everyone has at Hogwarts. But still, this is Sirius.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he hears Sirius say, so he turns around, afraid that he might be hurt. The guy is now turned around, his pants pulled up, and Sirius has come out of the stall, his pants pulled up, but they are still open.

"I was just trying to…"

"What is wrong with you?" Sirius asks, as he throws away the condom. "I'm not your boyfriend. Fuck off," he spits out, before joining Remus. He zips up his pants, before leading Remus out of the bathroom.

"What happened?"

"He tried to kiss me, is what happened. Seriously, what is wrong with people here? You're just trying to get off, and they want the whole deal? Fuck off."

"It's just a kiss…"

"I don't kiss people," Sirius says, and Remus shoots him a questioning look. Sirius sleeps around, everyone knows it. So to hear that he doesn't kiss people, it's odd, to say the least.

"Why not?"

"It's intimate."

"And sticking your dick up his arse isn't?" Remus laughs, but Sirius just shrugs. "I sometimes wonder how your brain works."

"Me too, Remus," Sirius laughs. "Me too."