BITTERSWEET RED WINE PRIDE
Bittersweet. Sam now understood the word. Now understood the exquisite combination. Bitter and sweet...love and sorrow...presence and absence. The joy of being able to finally see his dad face to face again, to say those words (I'm sorry) those words that had sat as an aching weight on his chest for years and years...but also the sorrow of tasting something so sweet and knowing you couldn't keep it, that he wouldn't even remember.
His mom had covered her mouth with a hand and made her escape...where he wanted to chase after her Dean held him back...her place, her feelings were nothing they understood. For a moment he felt angry at the empty place inside him. Felt angry at her for abandoning them in such a moment for a second.
With a sigh he turns to face his brother and the feeling slips away...that place of emptiness fills up.
Shit. Dean got beat to hell. Sam's vision is cleared from everything that happened to them in a few short hours. It's all behind him in a flash. That part of him, the majority of him, where mom, dad, family and professional career should have resided filled. Dean taking up all that space. And probably more.
His mind is flooded with worry for Dean. With anxiety about how his brother might take this, how it might impact his state of mind...how much it hurt him, how much healing Sam needed to painstakingly once again stick up that scarred and broken heart.
It broke his heart to see those beautiful green eyes wet with tears, the skin around it familiarly red and bruised. Maybe Cas could heal them up a little bit. Those eyes meet his, the same worried questioning mirrored back to him. The same hesitant regret and relief.
His heart swells as he watches Dean walk away no doubt to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Scrub away those what ifs and memories they would never have. He had dreaded Dean's reaction after he had demanded one family dinner. But to Sam's respect and surprise he realized Dean, actually, literally meant one dinner.
God. The pride he had felt as Dean proclaimed he wouldn't change it. Really wouldn't change it. Would really keep things all the same...because of him, because of the life they have now.
(I know who we are...I'm good with who you are. I'm good with who I am.)
He runs a hand through his hair as he tries to throw the thoughts from his mind and heaves the boxes from the pawn shop onto the library table and grabs a fresh stack of index cards and a notebook to jot it all down in...alphabetical order of course. Kale wasn't all it was chalked up to be...but c'mon organization never killed anyone.
He's got about five As listed when Dean comes back into the room. Two glasses in hand and an old, old dusty bottle. Frankly, Sam thought they had drunk all the old, nice stuff long ago. Seems Dean had the foresight to predict that the worst was always ahead of them though.
His older brother sets his burdens down on the table and drops into a seat, huffs as he leans down to unlace his boots and kicks them off, sighing as he props his probably aching feet up onto the chair beside him.
"Oh it's been one long day." Dean says, grabbing his bottle and looking over the label carefully.
"Careful." Sam warns playfully, "Getting old by your own admission, might wanna go for some kale instead."
Dean sends him a dry look, "That's cool Sammy, keep cracking I'mma get you some of those glasses, you probably about need em."
They both chuckle.
"Please tell me you are not planning on doing that all tonight, because I will feel like a giant douchebag if I leave you all on your own after what we just went through." Dean rubs his eyes, yawning.
"Shut up." Sam returns with zero heat, drops into the seat across from Dean. "Pour."
Dean grunts nodding, as if saying, first sensible thing you've said in a while, and pours their glasses. Sam reaches and grabs the fullest one and Dean rolls his eyes.
"Are we...are you. Is this gonna be..." Sam breaks off, not really knowing how to say what he wants to say without sounding hugely shallow and rehearsed. There was really no words for what they had just gone through.
"Are you trying to ask me if I'm okay?" Dead says for him, brow arched smartly.
Sam rolls his eyes nodding, "You don't have to be an asshole about it."
"Hey." Dean holds up his hands defensively, "Sorry if I'm kinda thrown, you've never had an issue asking before."
They fall into their special comfortable silence as they sip on their whiskey...fine liquor they had somehow grown accustomed too, shit, when did they become lucky? When did Sam start to count his blessings every time he sat down to have a drink with Dean?
When he realized how quickly it could be gone, when he realized his brother was his whole life, his whole world and that it could very quickly be taken away from him. In the blink of an eye. In one breath. In one mistake. In one stroke of fate by some uncaring entity...why Sam has become his own story teller, why like his older brother, he never gives up.
Because there's always a way. There. Is. Always. A. Way.
Dean is humming in contentment at the burn spreading through his chest with the drink. Sam likes it. The silence, the warmth, his brother's obvious comfort. His very soul sighs with tightness, the rightness of their position.
"So?" He urges, taking another sip and grimacing.
Dean raised his eyes brows questioningly, yeah, he was tired and catching a buzz, Sam smiles fondly.
"So, are you gonna be okay...are we gonna be okay?" He asks, gesturing with his glass around the room "we" a collective of Dean and him and their mom as a whole, and as individuals.
Dean snorts. "Sammy...honestly we just had red wine with Winchester surprise and I kinda wanna shoot myself."
Sam laughs softly, because wow... "Yeah." He agrees, immediately knowing the feelings Dean is sharing. "Same, same for me too." Red wine didn't go with Winchester surprise, but they didn't care...it was a meal they never got but always wanted. It was the moment, the idea..their family, just once, all together around an actual set table. It was something they thought they'd never achieve. Never even see.
"You know." Dean says, leaning forward in his chair, resting his elbows on the table and rubbing over his mouth as he thinks of what he really wants to say, "I don't say this enough...but Sammy." He swallows, and knocks with his fist on the table.
"I am so proud of us. And damn, sometimes that makes me feel so guilty. All this shit but me and you sitting pretty in the middle feeling proud. Mom. I mean, mom will never really be happy again...even though we have her back she still will never have him again, and she needs himto be happy."
He keeps his eyes on the table, Sam can see the doubts, the self disgust and sorrow still in his gaze though. "But we don't need that you know? We don't need him for this, for who we are...we made this, we fought for this...all the pain and the torture and the blood we went through to get this far. I can't give that up, even for dad, cuz I'm just so freaking proud of it."
He sighs running his hand through his short, brown spikes. "And I used to would have wanted to change it no matter what, now?" He sakes his head, "But still I'm so thankful for these last few hours even though it broke our hearts, even though it shattered mom's heart. I'm not...I know it's not right or okay but just seeing him, hearing him..."
(I'm so proud of you boys...I love you.)
"I know." Sam finishes softly, and Dean looks up at Sam quickly to find his eyes, to find that acceptance and love and understanding in his brother's gaze, the only one he really cared about. The only one he really needed
Sam let's out a big sigh letting go of a burden, now his secret, his guilt was shared.
"Me too." He agrees gently, looking into his glass, "Me too. I wouldn't change it. And I'm proud of that, you know? I'm proud that I'm strong enough to get past it to find the beauty in our story...in this life."
Dean nods and looks down again. Swallowing. So thankful to share the guilt. The guilt of being selfish for once. Of choosing this life of pain for them and their family. This is them..this is who they are...their reward through the flames and pain; the brotherhood, the companionship, the loyalty, and yes, the undying, silent love.
They won't change it. They didn't. They are proud of it. Yet ashamed of the pride.
Bittersweet.
...the end.
Thx for reading, leave a review!?
Wow everyone's acting was so amazing in this epsiode esp Jared, Jensen and JDM. SO WORTH THE WAITTT! All the closure us and the boys needed I think... ;( :)