928 Dragon, Matrinalis 1st
To begin, my name is Elsa Arendelle and I am a Tranquil. That is a mage of the circle who could not survive their Harrowing or did not wish to take the Harrowing. In my memories of the time before I sense is that I did not wish to take the Harrowing, that I deserved to become Tranquil.
I have been at the Kirkwall circle for almost two years now and one of my duties is to assist new initiates as they arrive. I also show them around and provide clothing as well as an understanding of the rules in our circle. There are many rules here that must be followed and punishments that are given for disobedience. Over the last two years the rules have grown and the punishments have become more severe. Most mages and enchanters say this is due to Knight Commander Meredith Stannard's influence.
I have begun this journal today after bringing in an initiate who is much older than we normally get. On average the new initiates are between 8 and 12 years old. New Initiate to the Kirkwall Circle, Bethany Hawke, is a Black haired woman of about 21 years of age. I was bringing her to her new room and speaking, "I am Elsa Arendelle a Tranquil here at the circle. If you need anything you may request it from me and I will endeavor to assist you. Normally I spend a portion of each day assisting with the evening meal so if you would be kind enough to avoid clashing with that order."
I showed her into her room and for a moment my eyes met with hers. Deep brown pools seemed to gaze into me. For a moment I felt something warm and a smile came to my lips. "Oh, you smiled. It looks nice on you."
I nodded, "Yes, well some of us are able to remember social functions. I have been told that I am one of the few who can take initiative and perform unsupervised. This is why I am usually the person who brings initiates to their room and explains things. My presence is also mandated by Knight Commander Meredith Stannard who has ordered that every new initiate see a Tranquil mage so as to understand the importance of the task in front of them."
"You're a warning you mean?"
"I believe that is indeed the case."
She sighed, "Is it really as bad here as they say?"
"I do not know who says what so I am unable to inform you on this question."
She laughs a bit, "Wow that smile really is a social construct isn't it?"
"Mostly yes. Tranquil do not have emotions or desires. Many of us are barely able to follow simple orders and even those of us who have some initiative and ability to work on our own have little in the way of desires."
She put a hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes, "In my opinion that is horrible, but we can be friends anyway yes?"
No one had yet to make this request and it was not against any rules so I said, "Yes that is acceptable."
She smiled at me, "What else do you do?"
"Prepare meals, assist the mages and Templars."
"I wonder what your diary would look like."
I shrugged, "I do not know I don't have one."
"You should try it sometime."
The conversation continued from there about her room, how to requisitions things and what I knew about the Harrowing. I provided all information requested and came to my room. Then I began this journal.
928 Dragon, Matrinalis 2nd
I spent six hours of my day in cleaning tasks and two in dinner preparation. When I came back to my room Initiate Bethany Hawke came to see me. She spoke at some length about her sister and a trip to the deep roads that went well for the other woman. Except of course for the minor fact that when she came home Bethany was taken to the circle.
I spoke saying, "It could have been worse. You could have been forced to take the rite of Tranquility."
Initiate Bethany Hawke nodded and said, "Not a requirement and they didn't have any evidence that I was maleficarum. Just Apostate and I went willingly enough. I didn't want there to be a fight and I guess I was just tired of running."
She stared at me, "What about your past?"
"I can't remember it. Other Tranquil can, but it does not do to dwell on things that cannot be changed. Best to work into the future and do work that must be done."
She nodded and left.
928 Dragon, Matrinalis 3rd
Today I spent seven hours of my day cleaning the classrooms after the enchanters finished teaching. Once that was complete I assisted with food preparation.
It seems very useless to put such information in my journal. After reading some other journals it seems as if only information that is out of normal patterns is included in a journal. After learning this detail I have determined that I will do the same.
928 Dragon, Matrinalis 5th
I continue to notice that other Tranquil seem to sit around more than I do. I spend at least twelve hours of my day performing jobs and doing things. There is always something that needs to be done be it cleaning the cellar or returning books or even light research.
It seems better to be busy than to sit and think. Sitting and thinking can lead to thoughts of the time before. These thoughts inevitably end at shadows and something horrible. I can hear my own voice screaming "Noo!"
Fear and sadness fill me and I should not even be able to feel such things at all. Time and again I have been told that Tranquil have no emotions, that we are barely useful at all. Seeing many other Tranquil I believe the words and yet something about me is different.
928 Dragon, Matrinalis 15th
Initiate Bethany Hawke came to see me again today. She will be taking her harrowing in five days.
"Once I am a full mage I can begin teaching initiates. Still it worries me facing a demon in the fade is that why you decided to undergo the rite of Tranquility? A few other Tranquil say they weren't very powerful, but others they just absently do tasks barely even able to think."
I nod slowly, "Apparently it isn't the same for all Tranquil, however I feel that I was not afraid of demons." I don't say what I feel inside that I was afraid of myself. Something I did in the past still echoes in the here and now.
"Hmm does it feel cold in here?" Bethany looks out the window and touches it. "It's warm outside I wonder why it's so cold in here?"
Her words break me away from my thoughts and she shrugs, "Hmm seems fine now, maybe it was just a chill wind."
When she leaves I think about that. Something happened when I thought of the past some power deep inside me. Even as I think about it I feel it welling underneath. I pull just a bit to the surface and a burst of ice flips rom my hand. Words come to my lips and I speak to myself, "Conceal, don't feel."
What do the words mean and do they have anything to do with this great well of power inside me. I push it down and send it away. Tranquil cannot perform magic . . . or is it may not? I will check the library.
928 Dragon, Matrinalis 16th
Tranquil cannot perform magic. All the books agree that it is impossible we are not connected to the Fade therefor we are not able to perform magic. The books are wrong, and yet I have also been told that I cannot perform magic. Is it possible that the orders are what keep Tranquil from using magic?
I think that may be the case or at least it is my case. I am not allowed to perform magic therefore I cannot.
928 Dragon, Matrinalis 20th
Mage Bethany Hawke passed her Harrowing today. She spoke with me and asked to see my journal. I responded that such information was private. She accepted that and moved on to telling me about her Harrowing. It seemed to me that her experience in using magic outside the circle was what enabled her to pass.
She asked me more about my own past then and I am putting more of what I recall down here in my journal. I remember being from a kingdom very far away. Something seems to suggest that this kingdom is beyond Thedas, beyond the veil even. I am not truly sure.
There is still that image of pain and I am screaming a single word, "No!". This scene seems to instill some essence of my former life. Yet I am not willing to brave the emotions to find out more. This is especially true since it is these very same emotions that link to the deep well of power inside me.
As for how I came to the circle I recall searching it out when I arrived or maybe being taken to it by Templars who found me performing magic on the street. Those things are the totality of my memories of the time before the Rite of Tranquility.
928 Dragon, Matrinalis 22nd
Mage Bethany Hawke continues to request a posting as an enchanter so that she can teach the younger students. It has been slow going, but she has some hope that she will get a class soon.
I tell her that I hope the same. Not that I truly have any hopes, but social manners indicate that if Bethany wishes to treat me as a friend I should act in accordance. So I use social pleasantries and hopefully she understands that I do not literally have any hopes or dreams.
928 Dragon, Umbralis 1st
Enchanter Bethany Hawke has finally gained a class of students. She has requested that I assist her with her teaching duties. I do not feel that task would interfere with greatly with my evening meal preparations or my task to escort new initiates. I will simply remind people that I am busy for the evening meal and during Enchanter Bethany Hawke's classes. That still leaves eleven hours in a day that are not encompassed by slumber. In addition, in emergencies, I could go without a requisite eight hours of sleep.
928 Dragon, Umbralis 2nd
Practical Magic for young adults class roster:
Amberlee Hanaras is a female city elf of 12 with black hair and green eyes
Andre Smith is a male human of 13 with blond hair and brown eyes
Bertha Thomson is a female human of 13 with brown hair and brown eyes
Candith Reynolds is a female human of 12 with silver hair and blue eyes
Daren Marchant is a male Dalish elf of 13 he shaves his head and has brown eyes
Fialla Falavahn is a female city elf of 12 with black hair and blue eyes
Jared Jamisson is a human male of 13 with brown hair and blue eyes
Lee Ann Gardenner is a female human of 13 with brown hair and brown eyes
Mikel Morrinson is a male human of 12 with black hair and grey eyes
Niam M'thenn is a female Dalish elf of 13 with red hair and green eyes
Peter Soren is a male human of 12 with blonde hair and hazel eyes
If these students are to take their Harrowing at the same age as Bethany then we have seven or so years to teach them everything they may need. I hope it will be enough.
928 Dragon, Umbralis 16th
Enchanter Bethany Hawke asks me to come to her room quite often after class. We usually discuss the progress of the students and grade work that is not physical demonstrations. Then I depart and prepare the evening meal.
At least three times per week now Enchanter Bethany Hawke has also come to see me after I finish my duties at the evening meal. Most of these conversations seem to serve little purpose and I even tell her so and yet she persists in them.
928 Dragon, Umbralis 20th
Today was Jared Jammison's birthday. The 14 year old human was unhappy when presented with baked goods in class saying, "I'm too old to have a baby party."
I did note that he did not return any gifts though. However with his stated request we will not do anything next time.
928 Dragon, Umbralis 30th
I have noted that I seem more than able to function on just four hours of sleep. Thus is I can do research on my own and I have spent many hours in the library going over magical theory and assisting with lesson plans. Even so there are many students who need individual attention and time in the cellars to actually work magic. I have offered my time to come with them and watch any practice.
This information has gotten around and I have posted a schedule sheet on my door for four hours each morning of the week in fifteen minute segments so as to ensure no young mage exhausts their mana. The priority on practices is for students of Enchanter Bethany's class.
928 Dragon, Cassus 3rd
Initiate Fialla Falavahn is on my practice schedule every day now. It is clear that she is ahead of the other students in class. Many of the books I have read say you can feel when magic is being drawn feel the opening to the Fade, but I have yet to feel anything of the sort. Perhaps Initiate Fialla's magic is not powerful enough or perhaps I truly am disconnected from the Fade. If that is the case, then where is the well of power inside me coming from?
928 Dragon, Cassus 7th
Early this morning, since it was after midnight, Enchanter Bethany Hawke came into my room after knocking. When I opened the door I had to catch her because she fell. She then grasped me close to her hugging and whispering softly, "So pretty, but you don't feel anathin do ya?"
I didn't know what to say so I just gently put her down and shrugged. She pulled me close and pressed her lips against mine, the feeling was soft and wet. Her head pressed into my shoulder then and she began to cry. "Don't know why I like you so much. Then again no others here are like me at all; maybe my mind just says that you are even though you're tranquil. I shouldn't though. . you can't even say no."
She fell asleep soon after and I put her in bed, and then went about preparing an anti-nausea potion and a pain potion for the morning.
When the morning came she asked if she had 'done anything' and I replied that she had not. It seemed the friendly thing to do. There was no reason to alarm her with her drunken ramblings.
928 Dragon, Cassus 12th
Niam M'thenn had her birthday today. The red haired Dalish elf turned 14 and seemed quite happy to have baked goods and presents today. I baked small cakes and the presents were small things that I was able to make or purchase for her.
Something like a new staff was greatly appreciated and easily made.