Summary: The ocean was no place for a boy who cowered behind textbooks, no matter how many times he had dreamed of it.
Notes: This fic is told in two parts.
THE / BOTTOM
i. before the expedition
Ever since he was young, it had always been his dream to see the ocean.
—
Surprisingly, Armin had not been in the first expedition group that had visited the sea.
He had almost been, and he would've if there had been more open spots in the group. However, the group had nearly filled up completely before he even had a chance..
He rushed towards the sign up sheet, blond hair whipping past his face, legs carrying as fast as he could go. Just as he had made it, someone was writing their name in the final spot.
Who.. oh, Mikasa.
"Mikasa?" He breathed, catching his breath, leaning over with his palms on his knees.. "You're going on the expedition?"
His childhood friend turned around and blinked. "Yes. Aren't you?"
He shook his head. "There was only one spot left.."
Mikasa's eyes widened, and a look of regret passed her face. "I'm sorry, Armin. I thought you had a spot.. here. I won't sign up; you can go instead."
Armin couldn't go - she deserved it just as much, if not more, then he did. "No, Mikasa. I'll go next time."
Three days later, he had watched as the expedition left, travelling to a destination that he could only dream of.
Three days after that, he had watched the group return to the walls, missing one important member. Where's Mikasa? He wondered, his eyes searching her out.
She had not returned.
—
Three days after that, he had been reading an old history book in Irwin's office, covering up his grief by crushing it with knowledge.
"What does the ocean look like?" His voice was a whisper, barely audible in the air of the office, covered by the voices of Commander Irwin and Hanji Zoe. It had been meant to stay inside his head as a thought, a daydream, yet somehow it had slipped out.
Hanji Zoe and Irwin had stopped their conversation and turned to look at the young soldier, who was leaning against the wall, with his face inside his textbook. "It's blue," Hanji Zoe answered. "Just like your eyes."
Armin's gaze ripped from his textbook and their eyes met, and he wondered for the first time if Mikasa had thought it was pretty.
—
"I don't want to go."
Armin sighed and took a deep breath. "C'mon, Eren.."
"No. It's because of that blasted place.." Eren Jaeger clenched his fist and took a shaky breath. "It's because of that place. That's the reason why she's gone."
Armin rocked back on his heels, glancing away from his friend. "No it's not.. they don't even know if she's dead or not. Maybe she ran away.." Deep down, he knew that wasn't true — but he'd never admit it to himself.
"No!" Eren shouted, punching the wall. His arm trembled as he yelled. "Her horse was still there. Mikasa wasn't stupid, unlike you. She wouldn't have run away without her horse." Armin's eyes narrowed, trying to ignore the insult. "You know where she is?" Eren continued, his voice like that of a madman. "She's at the bottom of the ocean. The bottom! Wherever that is, whatever that looks or feels like, that's where she is!"
Blue, just like your eyes.. Hanji's voice whispered in Armin's mind, and the blond boy pictured Mikasa Ackerman surrounded by a blue that was like the sky.
"Then why don't you come with us so you can visit her grave?" Armin asked.
Eren turned his head, an odd smile plastered on his face. "Good point, Armin." He whispered. "I will."
—
ii. the expedition
I'm finally going to see it. I'm going to the ocean..
Those words reverberate through his mind as he sits impatiently on his horse. To his right is Eren Jaeger, his best friend since childhood.
My dream is finally coming true.
"Eren?" He asks, voice giddy and innocent.
"Yes?" Eren replies, not looking at him. His eyes are facing forward, unwavering towards the wall's exit.
"Remember when we were little, how we dreamed of going to see the ocean?"
Eren nods slowly. "Of course I do." He turns his head, finally, and offers Armin a half smile.
A whistle resounds, orders are shouted, and the horses begin to move forward.
The expedition has begun.
—
There it is! Finally. I see it, I see it! Look!
He sits up straight, awakened from his nap as Eren's voice calls into his mind. "Where—" Armin's voice cuts off as he sees it, big and blue and glorious. They're coming up to a short cliff, and just beyond the top, not far below, is the shore, and beyond that is the ocean. It's gorgeous, the prettiest thing he's ever seen; he has no words to describe it, yet at the same time, nearly every flattering word he knows would fit it in some way. Amazing, beautiful, shiny..
Armin is struck by it, so he only nods to his friend.
—
The group makes camp for the night at the cliff's base, but Armin and Eren can't sleep. They sneak out as soon they're sure that no one else is awake; they hike up the cliff to get a better view of the sea.
"Isn't it beautiful?" Armin asks quietly, and Eren nods, but doesn't say anything. The two walk closer to the edge of the cliff, peaking over the edge. The water here is deep and they are far from shore; if one fell in and couldn't swim, one would be in trouble.
Armin glances at Eren, taking note of the odd look on his companion's face. It looks like he's conflicted about something.. but what?
"You alright?" Armin asks cautiously. Eren's heads whips around, and Armin realizes that his eyes are wide and angry.
"No. No, I'm not, Armin," he hisses, and whirls on his foot to face the blonde boy. "I'm not, and you know why."
Armin is speechless. His eyebrows raise and his blue eyes widen. "Eren—" He was fine before.. "Why?" Armin dares to whisper.
Eren's face twists in such a way that Armin's never seen before. "Beautiful?" He hisses, causing Armin to cower away from him. "That's my sister's grave. I think it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire life." He steps closer to Armin, who backs up towards the cliff's edge.
"I'm sorry," Armin murmurs, his face afraid. He's never seen Eren like this before; the fury that engulfs his features is completely foreign to him. Armin has seen Eren angry — screaming and spitting about titans, but never like this, never directed at him.
"Sorry?" Eren howls. He grabs Armin by the shoulders and stares into his eyes. "Is that it? Just sorry? That's her final resting place. We'll never see her again; she'll never get a proper funeral or farewell."
Armin shies away from Eren and tries to push his hands off his shoulders. "Eren, calm down, please." He says, trying to keep the fear from leeching into his voice. "Please, let's just go back to camp now.."
"There's no going back," Eren says, his voice now strangely calm. "Not for her, or —" His voice cuts off as Armin shoves Eren off him and runs.
No—!
The only place to run is towards it. Armin backs up, away from his friend, nearing the edge. "Eren," he says, his voice weak. "Please, let's just go back now.." He feels as though a heavy weight is resting on his chest, getting in the way of his breathing.
Eren takes steps closer until he's nearly at the edge himself. Armin takes a step back, his heel teetering off the cliff's edge. "You always wanted to see the ocean, right, Armin?" Armin nods, and Eren spins him around. "Look at it. Looks like it goes on forever, eh?" Armin nods again, choking on his fear.
His blue eyes glance down at the sea, which is a pit of darkness in the night. "I see it," he says, gulping, voice shaking.
Eren grabs his shoulders again and leans closer, whispering in his ear. "Say hello to Mikasa for me, okay? I'm sorry."
Armin's just about to ask what he means when he feels a sudden shove on his shoulders; his feet stumble forward and, with no ground to catch himself on, he falls.
When he finally meets the sea, he finds that it's just as salty as his tears.
When he finally meets the bottom, he spends his final gulp of air on the word: hello.
—
Written on October 26, 2013.
Note: this fic hurt so much to write, I honestly love Mikasa and Armin so much, they're two of my favorite characters. I'm so upset, ah. I'm sorry for this one