Twilight - the actual happening...

(Phoenix)

"Bella, are you absolutely positive that you don't want to come with us to Florida?"

Bella looks over to Phil, whose mowing the lawn with a half crazy smile on his face.

"DIE DANDELIONS! Hahaha, I'll kill you all." (In creepily sweet voice) "Don't even think of come back onto this lawn. Hehehehe..."

Bella's monologue - Hello, I'm a normal teenager (this is foreboding to the fact that something "not normal" will happen to me during this book) whose eccentric mom is more like a child than a parent. But I love her. Her new husband Phil is just a minor blurb emphasizing her eccentricity. And I just want her to be happy. No matter what happens to me... (more foreboding)

Bella looks back to her mom, whose reading the Kama Sutra and stretching on the floor. Her eyes widen ten-fold.

"Um..., I think I'm going to live Dad. In that one place...Knives? No...what was it called?"

Renee looks up from her "yoga" and offers, "Sporks?"

"Yeah! Sporks. What kind of a name is Sporks for a town?"

Renee shrugs. Phil comes back in from his "crusade" on the lawn with another, creepier smile on his face. He walks to the kitchen and grabs some weed killer. He straps on a holster and puts the round-up nozzle into it.

"Back in my days, a dandelion knew it's place in the world. Nowadays, they don't know a pansy's lawn from someone who actually gives a crap."

"How was your day, Philly?" Renee asks between getting up from the floor and suddenly starts doing interpretive dance.

Bella is just standing in the middle of their living room; seemingly invisible to her two parents.

"Forks and knives, I tell ya. Fork and knives." Phil grumbles before exiting out the front door.

Bella is still standing there with a strange look on her face.

Renee approaches her, dancing of course. "Bella, honey, are you ABSOLUTELY sure you don't want to come with us to Florida. I've heard there are lots of...books there." She smiles encouragingly as soon as she says books.

Bella looks outside at Phil. He was shooting the dandelions with the round-up making "pkew, pkew" sounds to accompany the shooting.

She looks back at her mom, who was now making a pipe-bomb.

"Mom, what are you doing?!" she cries, horrified.

Renee looks up from her "work". She smiles sweetly at Bella. "Oh, this? I'm just trying out a new recipe for waffles."

Bella stares at Renee for a while. Then she finally says, "Yeeeah, I'm pretty sure I'll go live in Sporks with dad."

Somehow, the "pipe-bomb" does turn into a waffle looking piece of dough.

Bella adds under her breath, "I gotta get out of here. My parents are insane."

Stephanie Meyer rushes into the household. She looks angry and slightly deranged. Elevator music/Muse is playing in the background.

"Hey! Hey! No harsh language! Not in my book!"

Bella looks at Stephanie Meyer with an even stranger look on her face. "Um...this isn't your book. It's a fanfiction..."

Renee looks up from her (now purple) pancakes/waffles and holds out a morsel to Stephanie Meyer, "You want a piece?"

Stephanie Meyer looks at the purcaffle, then to Bella, then to Renee. She shrugs.

"Sure." She sits down at the table and grabs herself some purcaffles. Phil comes in to the house covered in dirt and has some nasty bruises on his face. He walks over to the table as well and takes some purcaffles for himself.

After five minutes of intense "dinner", Renee asks Phil, "Hey, what happened to you?"

Phil freezes up and glances outside for just a second before immediately shoving his gaze back down onto his plate. A tear trips out of his eye.

"There were too many. We fought bravely, but they just kept coming. We lost a lot of good men out there." He breaks down sobbing.

Renee gets a sympathetic look on her face and reaches out for his hand and holds it.

"It'll be alright. We can get you a new holster."

Phil starts sobbing even harder.

Bella, meanwhile, has packed her bags, hot-wired the car, and is now in terminal E-12.

"Flight 235 to Seattle; now boarding class 4 passengers."

Bella stands up and boards the plane without looking back.

(Back at the house)

Renee and Phil are trying to find their "missing" car in the bathroom.

"Are you sure you parked it here?" Phil calls.

"Yes I am! Um...Phil?" shout Renee from behind the toilet.

"Yeah?"

"Where's our daughter?"

"They weeds probably got to her. There's no hope for her now." Phil says solemnly while looking out the bathroom window.

Renee shrugs. "Oh, well. She's probably in Sporks."