I can feel the tears start to form it's always like this whenever I think of her. Whenever I think of her name all I feel is this pain where my heart is. I have known her since high school, her name comes so natural yet it feels like an intruder, a foreign object that isn't welcome and its only purpose is to harm me. I fight the tears back, not wanting to lose it in the middle of lecture. I knew it was too soon, I should be in the comfort of my own bedroom, dealing with my emotions behind closed doors.
The only reason I came to class is because Xander begged me to get out of my room and start to move on.
I continue to write, trying to block these awful memories but it's no good they punch a hole through all the walls I create. I try to lose myself in my studies but it's no use, she's always there to keep me company. Her name, her voice, her laughter, her everything follows me wherever I go. I carry her with me I drag her along to school and work. She never leaves my side, constantly tormenting me with her presences.
I just want to take comfort in her arms and apologize for my wrong doings and beg her to come back. I just wish I knew where she was. Ever since my infidelity she disappeared without leaving a trace and it kills me not to know what happened to her.
I just want to see her and tell her how much I love her.
Buffy Summers is my world and I feel so lost without her. I don't even know where to start to piece my life back together. I keep on trying to put all the pieces where they belong but there's always an essential piece missing and that piece is Buffy.
Life hasn't been the same since she left. I haven't been the same since she left. I'm just a shell of my former self.
"Willow", I hear my name being called by the professor.
"Here", I say and I hear people giggling. I look up to notice my professor giving me a bewildered stare.
"Miss Rosenberg I take attendance at the beginning of class not in the middle", he told me. I could feel my face turning red from embarrassment. "You will be pairing up with Tara Maclay for the project", he told me. I turn towards the direction he's pointing and I see this shy blonde girl looking at me. I smile at her and she hides her face behind her hair.
I frown at her actions. Maybe she's just shy, I think I remember talking to her once; she was very nice and smart. I look down at my notes and realize I have no idea what the project is about. Not wanting to further embarrass myself in class I opt to ask Tara about the project after class.
The class ends soon after and I rush to catch up to Tara. "Excuse me Tara", I call out. She turns around and gives me a half smile while holding her books close to her chest. "Sorry don't mean to be a bother but I sort of spaced out in class and didn't listen to the professor explain the project to the class."
"It's ok I can explain it to you", she told me while looking down.
Again I frown at her actions. This girl really needs to come out of her shell. In fact, she reminds me a lot of myself when I was in high school. "How about lunch?", I say. She nods to my question.
"I have a free period right now, want to grab something small to eat and discuss the project", I ask her. Again she just nods. I start to laugh she looks up at me startled. "Sorry, it's just….you don't say much do you."
"I-I guess n-not", she stutters. She gives me this small smile letting me know that she's not offended by my assessment.
I smile at her and lead the way to the cafeteria.
After grabbing some food we head outside and sit on the grass area, neither one of us uttering a word to one another the entire way, just taking comfort in each other's presences.
"Thanks again for going out of your way to explain the assignment to me", I tell her.
"My pleasure", she tells me and ducks her face. "I mean since we are going to be partners, the least I can do is e-explain the pr-project to you."
I give her a warm smile, hoping this would ease her a bit so she wouldn't feel so uncomfortable around me. "So what's the project about?"
"He wants us to explain how the industrial revolution is still affecting us today. It's suppose to be a 10 page paper and a small presentation summarizing our paper", she tells me while playing with her food.
"Sounds easy enough", I tell her. I can't help but notice how she always hides her face behind her face. "You shouldn't hide such a beautiful face behind these blonde locks", I say. I can tell she is taken back by my statement and for a moment I am as well. She just reminds me so much of me that I want to bring her out of her shell and tell her to not be afraid to be herself, regardless of what others might think of her.
I let my finger play with her hair; her blonde locks remind me so much of….
I let my hand drop and I pull back. I can feel the guilt building up inside of me again and I momentarily close my eyes to stop the tears from falling. The few moments of peace that I experience are welcomed but short lived. I went almost thirty minutes without thinking about Buffy and for those thirty minutes my mind was at ease.
"Are you ok?", I hear Tara ask. I look up and give her an apologetic smile.
"Yeah just thinking about the project", I lie.
"You seem sad", she observes. "Is it because of the blonde girl I use to see you with?", she ask.
I'm taking back because for a shy girl Tara can be very forward. "Ya", I tell her.
She nods. "Are you guys not together anymore?"
"Our relationship ended. It just didn't work out", I quickly explain hoping this would satisfy her curiosity.
"It's seems like there's more to it than that", she says shocking me for a second time today. This girl is full of surprises.
"Isn't there always?", I frown.
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-", she begins to apologize but I cut her off.
"It's ok, no need to apologize. I just rather not talk about it", I tell her.
She nods again. I look down at my watch and notice that my next class will be starting soon. I get up and start dusting myself off. "I should get going", I explain.
"But", I say while searching through my backpack for a lose piece of paper and a pen. I rip a paper from my notebook and write down my number. "Here's my number, call me to talk about the project."
She takes the paper. "O-ok", she stutters and looks at the number.
I smile at her and start to walk off. "See you in class", I shout over my shoulder before stopping and looking back. "I'll save you a seat", I tell her while looking straight at her. She blushes and ducks her head down but nods letting me know she's happy with my comment.
I smile one last time and walk towards the direction of my next class.