The Breaking of Susan Pevensie

The passage of time is always the most painful when moving away from something known, loved and missed and moving towards the unknown and feared. Especially when you know, most certainly, that you can never go back to that place; the place of your dreams. The place that you know you were created for; the most glorious time and place you have ever seen and can ever hope to see.

Susan's heart ached as she thought back about that place; about Narnia. She knew, without a doubt, that she could never get back there. Aslan had told both she and Peter that their time in Narnia was done; that they could not return but that both Lucy and Edmond would someday. And the knowledge that they could get back while she was doomed to remain here and attempt to move on… it tore at her very soul. She did not wish to hold it against Lucy; after all, it hadn't been her choice, it had been Aslan's.

Oh Aslan…

She brushed a tear aside as she packed up her dorm room. She could hardly believe that the whole school year had passed, that it had been last summer that Aslan had summoned them back to Narnia to aid Prince Caspian and that she was going to have to face that same train station yet again… meeting up with Peter and Edmund there.

Susan hated the memories. Lucy would nag her constantly, her voice filled with joy and simple longing as she would say "Oh Sue! Don't you remember that day when the Beavers came and we all went down to the Eastern Sea… not long after our coronation? When I nearly drowned and you came and pulled me from the water? Don't you remember…?"

And Susan, in her grief, would turn away and shake her head. "No, Lu, I don't remember." Her voice was always dull, lifeless, as she felt her stomach twisting up in knots at the mere memory of those wonderful days. She had been a Queen, once. Here she was, nothing but a school girl, now.

Lucy seemed to be growing more and more concerned for her. Not that Susan blamed her. She knew that her interests had changed… or at least, that they seemed to have changed. She saw the clothes – so many clothes – hanging in her wardrobe, saw the cosmetics lying on her vanity. The boys at the school across the street all seemed to know her name, and she knew most of theirs. She never mentioned Narnia, Aslan, Caspian or the good times that they had. Why should she, when it tormented her so?

"Sue? Are you ready to go?"

Drawn sharply from her thoughts, she glanced up from her suitcase and shook her head quickly. "Not yet."

"We've got to go, or we're going to miss our train."

"We've got plenty of time, Lucy. Don't fret so. If you must be in such a rush, do be a dear and clear off my vanity into this little bag here." She passed Lucy a small cloth bag and her sister hesitated as she took it. "Sue, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she snapped, sighing before glancing up at her sister with sorrow in her eyes and an apologetic shrug. "I'll be alright when we get home to Mother and Father."

Lucy nodded, gathering up Susan's cosmetics and placing them within the bag. She stopped short then, "Sue? Doesn't this bag have a Narnian look to you?"

"What are you talking about?" She asked, her voice pained as she took all her clothes from the wardrobe and laid them out on the bed, beginning to fold things and put them in her suitcase. They needed to get going.

"It just looks… Narnian. Sue, isn't this the little bag you had custom made right after we got back from –"

"It doesn't look Narnian, Lucy, it couldn't possibly."

"Why ever not?" Lucy demanded.

"We've all been foolish," Susan said softly, "Engaging in such games. There isn't any Narnia – there never was, and there never shall be. We'd all be best to forget about it."

"What! No Narnia? Susan Pevensie, don't tell me –"

"Hush Lucy! Don't talk to me in such a way!" Susan's whole body trembled as she spoke, feeling al the energy drain from her. She knew Narnia was real – she couldn't have imagined fifteen years as Queen, nor could she have imagined their last adventure there. However, she didn't think that she could bear to hear of it any more, not now. Not knowing she would never be able to get back.

"Sue! You know as well as I that Narnia is real!" Lucy's voice grew shrill as she stared incredulously at the Susan who was standing there calmly – save for the trembling – packing her things. Something had happened to Susan, to her big sister. Susan could be too logical, at times, but she knew Narnia was real. She had to know.

"Lucy, take a look on any map and you'll see that –"

"But Sue!"

"Lucy, enough!" Susan was shouting now, her face red with anger as she bumped her sister aside to finish what Lucy had been doing. She reached out to take hold of a little glass case but the shaking of her hands caused her to drop it and it shattered, it's contents spilling all over the floor.

"Susan?" Lucy asked, her voice soft after a few moments of silence. "Susan, what's wrong?"

When Susan glanced up, her eyes were filled with real, angry tears. "Lucy, there is no such thing as –"

"Stop saying that!" The little girl cried, her hands to her ears. "You can't say that! There is, there is! Stop it!"

Susan jumped to her feet and dug through her suitcase, pulling out a geography book. She flipped it open to a map of the world. Trembling all the while, she threw the book down at Lucy's feet. "That," she screamed, sobs shaking her body as tears ran down her face, "That is all that exists! There is no Narnia, no Aslan… none of it is real! None of it! Do you hear me?"

"Sue…"

Susan turned and bolted from the room, her hair falling loose of it's constraints as she ran down the hall of the dorms and towards the door, then outside to the front lawn. Her chest heaving, she pawed at her eyes to wipe away the tears but to no avail. She began to run again, feeling as though her heart was going to leap right out of her chest. She wanted to curl up in a ball and just die, but she couldn't bring herself to stop.

Hardly reading signs as she ran – they were too blurred by her tears – it was quite shocking when one handmade, sloppily made poster caught her attention.

Madame Hennessy can answer any question.

"She can't answer mine," Susan whispered, though stopped running long enough to stand in front of the door. She looked up at the old, stone building before her and shivered. A feeling of dread and unease filled her as she drew in a shaky breath and knocked on the door. Rain was in the air, she could feel it, and she hugged her arms around herself tightly.

"Hello?"

"Madame Hennessy? I saw your sign and –"

"I knew you were coming…" the old woman answered. Taken aback, Susan paled and her eyes widened. "Come inside please, dearie. Answers to all your questions lie within, do not hesitate."

She knew what this woman, who was so gaudily dressed, was. She was a psychic, a predictor of the future and a teller of the past. Susan had seen similar women many times, though had never had the courage to see what they had to say. She knew, deep down, there was something wrong with this place, that she shouldn't step through the door – that there were some places better left alone.

Don't go inside, a soft voice whispered to her, and she looked around. It sounded like Aslan – but that was impossible. Aslan couldn't be here, wouldn't be here… not in England.

She followed the cheery woman inside, studying everything that she passed. Large, dark tapestries hung on the walls, statues of every sort lined the hall. They look like the statues in the witch's castle, she thought with apprehension.

Out of the corner of her eye she could see the most magnificent of statues; a large, stone lion who seemed to be staring directly at her. She shook her head and when she turned to look directly at it, it wasn't there. I'm seeing things, she told herself firmly, I'm only seeing things.

"Please, have a seat," the woman said, stopping at a small round table upon which sat a small glass ball. Susan knew a little about these things; her friends at school had come here on a dare and had returned to tell her all about it. She hadn't wanted any part in it all then… and she really didn't want any part in it now. But it looked like it wanted something with her.

"I don't know if I should be here," she began, wiping at her tears. "I was upset, but I should be getting back to my sister… we have to catch the train."

"Yes," the woman said with a nod, "of course. But there is something about you, I can sense it… something that is holding onto a good deal of pain, something that needs an answer and I can find that answer for you." Before Susan could stop her, the woman grabbed hold of her hands and began to study the ball.

"I see something interesting in your past…" the woman whispered, studying the ball with great interest. "Very interesting…"

"What do you see?" Susan asked, breathless.

"In a past life… in a past life, I think you were a Queen."

Susan gasped and drew her hands away sharply. "No, no I wasn't!"

"Yes, you were, my dear. A gracious, beautiful queen. But, from the look of it, you weren't the only one. There were… there was another queen… and two kings? How peculiar! Who ever heard of more than one king at a time? And your future…" The woman frowned and Susan shook her head.

"No, I don't want to know!"

"I'm so sorry, my dear. Things look rather sad for you. I see sadness in your future. Great sadness."

Jumping to her feet, Susan began to back out of the room. "No, you don't know what you're talking about! I was never a Queen! No…" Bursting into tears, she turned and ran from the room. Pushing open the door, she stumbled out into the rain. The rain running down her face mingled with her tears as she dropped to her knees on the side of the road and cried.

"Aslan!" She cried at the top of her lungs, "Aslan! Where are you now? Why have you forsaken me? Why can I never go back?" She buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with her pained, angry sobs.

There was no answer and it was in that moment that Susan hardened her heart against Narnia and Aslan completely. But if she had only looked across the street, she might have seen the tall young man holding a sign; a simple sign that read "Jesus Loves You". The young man who did not appear to get wet and who's long, thick blond hair almost resembled a Lion's Mane if one looked hard enough. She might have seen the way he watched her, the way tears rolled down his face as she cried out, as she grieved.

But of course we can never know what would have been, what would have happened if we had taken a different path.

Susan returned to her dorm room, changed, and went with Lucy to the train station. They later met up with Peter and Edmund – Lucy did not tell them of Susan's strange behaviour, nor did they ask. They all seemed to know that something within their sister had died that day and they didn't know what to say.

She never returned to Narnia.