I feel sad.

I hate this feeling. The feeling like I'm wrong somehow. Like there is just something inside of me that is not right.

I mess up everything, even when all I'm trying to do is help someone all I do is make it worse.

I hate when I can't shut out my thoughts. That is why I don't like to be stationary. When I'm not moving, talking or fighting I tend to get introspective and then I just get depressed. (Wow, I know crazy right? I can actually feel more then horny! Who knew?)

I start to wonder if anyone would care or really even notice if I wasn't around anymore. I can certainly guarantee that no one would go to the trouble of trying to bring me back like everyone has for B. Whether it was because she ran away or died (twice) someone was always looking to bring her back.

Even before the First when there weren't hundreds of slayers running around I wasn't needed or wanted.

Sure I was welcome when they needed the muscle but I'm sure they would have found a way of dealing with the problem without me. They did before I first arrived in Sunnydale and then again when I "left". And if I just so happened to die they would get another slayer anyway.

Ugh I think I might actually be babbling or is it rambling….ranting? I'm not sure. It's not like it matters. No one is going to read this. When I'm done I'll throw it away or burn it.

I was taught in prison that writing down what you feel can help you. When I was there it did help me from climbing the walls but I also think it just points out the fact that I really am just a spare part.

I heard a saying from the prison shrink that everyone has a purpose, everyone needs to work together to survive. She used the analogy that we are all parts of the body. Each individual part has a reason and a need to be.

"Each organ has a job and is important…the heart bumps the blood, the lungs allow you to breath, the skin, etc. and without these the body has difficulty functioning or can't survive".

I remember thinking "okay but let's say I'm the appendix". Who knows maybe at one time it served a purpose but now it has no real function. If you really think about it you're better off without it because the only thing that can come from it is pain and death. It would ultimately be harmful to the rest of the body.

It probably wasn't the best analogy for her to use.

And I probably shouldn't have been drinking before I wrote this because I just sound crazy. Oh well, like I said it's not like anyone else will know about this.

They probably think I don't even know how to write. No one ever really thought very highly of me.

Sometimes when writing isn't enough of a release when I'm depressed and I'm just too down to go slaying I find other ways to find the release I need.

Physical pain is the most effective way to offset the emotional pain.

I've never told anyone before and I'm sure if anyone knew it would just be more confirmation that I really am a freak, just a crazy psychopath.

It's nothing too extreme just a little cut here or a burn there. Sometimes it's just my fists against concrete.

Physical pain has always been easier for me to deal with. It is easier to fix. Slap a bandage on and get a couple of hours of sleep (or 8 months for the worst of it) and everything is all better.

But emotions and the damage to your heart and soul from abuse, neglect and thoughtlessness never really goes away.

I might be able to ignore it for a few hours but it's always there and has no trouble reminding me of that fact.

I find myself sleeping more lately. Sure I have the occasional nightmare (you couldn't have lived my life and not have the occasional one now or then) but for the most part when I sleep I have dreams of what might have or could have been. Dreams of what my life would have been like if I had great parents or if my first watcher was never killed.

Or maybe if Giles, Wesley or that Post Bitch were ever really there for me. If they were the "caring, guiding and supporting" adults they were supposed to be I would have had someone good to turn to when my world was falling apart instead of a "caring, guiding and supporting" monster.

Hell even Joyce left me to the wolves.

I know I screwed up. And that is on me. But I was just a kid. Just fifteen when I first arrived in Sunnydale. And no one questioned the fact that I was living in filth…a "home" that any monster or vampire can enter whenever they wanted a slayer snack (and they did try it a couple of times. Luckily I learnt at an early age to sleep with one eye opened).

They never questioned how I paid for that room or if I had anything more than the apple I stole off of Xanders plate to eat in more than three days.

I needed someone to be there for me….to support and love me.

I just never got that from the people I was supposed to.

I needed to know how to survive on my own almost my whole life. If I wasn't going to look after myself no one else would.

I originally went to the mayor to spy and to prove to B and Giles that I'm not a screw up and I can be a good slayer, also to make up for killing Finch. It was an accident and I panicked a little but he risked his life trying to warn us and I didn't want his sacrifice to be for nothing.

It's funny how things work out.

Helping the mayor was one of the easiest decisions I have ever made. I finally had a family. He was someone who truly cared about whether I lived to see tomorrow. I know he was crazy but he really did love me. (I guess you have to be to love me).

I knew it couldn't last but I held on and soaked up as much of his love and caring as I could.

I hated that it had to end but I couldn't let him destroy Sunnydale.

I couldn't let my first watcher (the first person to ever care about me) or my calling down like that.

My watcher and the mayor were the only two adults…the only two people really...who were ever there for me.

I had it all planned out. I knew I would never be able to forgive B for destroying the mayor. For taking away the only real family I've ever had. There would be nothing left to live for so the mayor and I would just have to go down together.

I should have known that my plan wouldn't work. Like I said I mess everything up.

I miss them both so much and I hate being here in the real world. So much so that I now spend as little time as possible in it. My dream worlds are so much better.

Every day it becomes harder and harder to get up and deal with the world around me, a world that doesn't need me and certainly doesn't want me. It is so easy to sleep the days away.

It's not like anyone notices if I don't show up for days or weeks at a time.

It's not like anyone cares….

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. The BTVS world does not belong to me.