Ten Ways to Tell Your Children "I Love You"
The kindergarten is small, Lima is small, everyone knows everyone, and Burt knows that the children currently enrolled in Kurt's kindergarten are the same kids that Kurt will be enrolled with for the next thirteen years of his son's life. (He doesn't know that his son transfers in the middle of his junior year of high school and meets plenty of great people that accept him and will be his son's life-long friends). Burt meets Ms. Carter, Kurt's kindergarten teacher at the kindergarten orientation for parents (of kindergarteners). He's worried because he knows his son will have trouble fitting in with the rest of the boys, and he hopes his son makes friends. He meets Ms. Carter and she assures him that Kurt will be okay and yes, she will keep him updated about Kurt's school days. Burt is still nervous as hell.
She hands him a sheet of paper with the title "Ten Ways to Tell Your Children 'I Love You'" at the top. Burt accepts it as Ms. Carter tells him that she gives it to all parents, but she can tell that Burt loves his son very much. He hangs it on the wall next to the fridge when he gets home. He glances at it, even years later, when being without Molly is confusing and painful and wrong and he thinks that he is entirely screwing up being a parent and Kurt deserves so much more. And sometimes Kurt glances at it and smiles because he's older and knows what it means to love someone and want to make sure they know it. He loves his dad, and occasionally he'll see it and hug his father, telling him, "I feel so loved," to assure Burt that he is doing a good job. Kurt is not always so sentimental, but seeing the relief and happiness on his father's face when he says this always worth it. Because his dad is the best parent in the world and needs to know that.
1. Make your home a place of safety, acceptance, and love.
Burt isn't being facetious when he tells Kurt that he's known about his son's sexuality since he was three. He has always doubted his son's apparent sexuality slightly not because he doesn't accept it, but because what if Kurt really isn't gay and just metrosexual or something equally bizarre and he doesn't want to judge or stereotype his son. Molly tells him that it doesn't matter. While they don't get the privilege of assuming one way or the other like most parents, they do get the advantage of loving their son no matter what. But when his son asks for sensible heels and wears bright pink headbands and watches princess movies more than Batman, Burt knows that he has to be prepared for the day when- is it even an if anymore?- his son comes out. Burt loves his son, and wouldn't care if he is gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered- whatever- but he knows that his family isn't the same. Burt knows that whoever his son is, Kurt is going to face a lot of opposition in his life. Burt will not stand for his son to get that from people who are supposed to love him.
When Kurt is five and wearing too much pink than Lima deems acceptable for a boy, Burt goes to see his parents. He doesn't tell them why, but they need to talk. He doesn't bring along Kurt or Molly, and his parents ask him why, but Burt can only shake his head in response. His face is grim and they worry that something happened to his son or wife, but Burt waves them off.
"Mom. Dad." He doesn't know what he's going to say. He loves his parents. So much. But he loves Kurt more than he ever thought possible. "I know you don't… I was hoping that…" he stumbles over his words. He looks up, "What do you think about homosexuals?" He hopes they have calmed down now that they're older- like he has.
They haven't. He hears that word. His hopes are crushed (even though he expected it). His parents aren't okay with it. He doesn't tell them that he's asking because of Kurt, nor does he deny their accusations that he himself is having "evil, sinful" thoughts. He just heads towards the door and apologizes. He actually apologizes. Even though they used that word, because they were his parents. They raised him and made him feel loved. "I'm sorry. To both of you. But you're not allowed in my family's life anymore." He knows he should be outraged, that he should fight his parents, but he's going to be fighting bigoted assholes for the rest of his life for Kurt and it's just to painful for the first fight to be with his parents.
It's worth it. Probably. Kurt will grow up in a loving, accepting environment. Both he and Molly will be able to tell Kurt that he can be whoever he wants.
Kurt jumps into his arms when he gets home, screaming and laughing and squealing and smiling and Burt hugs him tightly and repeats "I love you" for what seems like hours.
And when he gets into bed that night after putting Kurt to sleep with a fairytale, he tells Molly, and she hugs him tightly and whispers "I love you" until he falls asleep.
2. Build feelings of self-worth by showing your children how they are special.
Burt had always imagined his son to be a sports super star- first string, winning championship quarterback, ace first baseman, basketball starting forward scoring half of the team's points a game. Yeah, he could see the pride in his eyes when his big, masculine, athletic son did all this. That was Burt. Burt was the big man on campus at McKinley. Burt was the football player, athlete, popular idol. He was on one of McKinley's last winning teams. His son would bring back the legacy.
It did not take long for that dream to fade. Burt spends the next sixteen years re-adjusting, expanding his horizons, and looking beyond what he believed to be the end-all, be-all to high school existence.
It takes this long for Burt to understand that what isn't important to him can be important to someone else.
And while he doesn't understand the exact importance of being able to sing a high F or a solo in Glee, he realizes that it must mean something. There's more to life than football and being the school's icon.
His son isn't any of those words he might've used when he was younger. His son was special. His son was going places. His son was going to be a star.
His son could do things not many people could. His son was better dressed than every last citizen of Lima. His son could sing notes higher than most girls. His son could sing notes so low that even some guys couldn't sing them. His son spoke with such eloquence that Burt's own vocabulary improved by being around him. His son spoke fluent French and was becoming fluent in at least Spanish as well. His son could fix a car better than most of Burt's own mechanics, and still get the job done faster.
His son could do anything he put his mind to. And damn if he wasn't going to tell his son that everyday. No one messes with the Hummels. Especially the shooting star Burt had the honor of raising.
3. Offer children opportunities to learn and succeed.
Burt is relieved when Kurt tells him he's joined McKinley's Glee club. Kurt has the same cold, guarded front around him, but Burt knows his son is happy. Kurt tells him about the songs, the dances, the outfits- Burt doesn't get it, but he does get that Kurt is making new friends and having fun and finally acting like a teenager. So when he hears that Kurt can't get the part he wants, Burt feels betrayed. Kurt has only a few sanctuaries and some idiot Spanish teacher isn't going to ruin that. He storms in, spitting fire, and no one is a match for him. He may not be good at talking with his son, but fighting has always been one of his strong points. Brute force is his admitted modus operandi. He just needs a baseball bat and a point in the right direction for that.
Burt doesn't know why Kurt doesn't get the part, because he knows his son should have. When he thinks about it, he's sure it was the phone call to the shop. Burt knows how much it affected him, himself. He would've used that baseball bat if the direction was given to him.
Burt knows that McKinley doesn't challenge his son. He knows, but there aren't many options in Lima, Ohio. He does his best to make up for it. He gives Kurt a French tutor when Kurt is in seventh grade and wants to watch Fashion Week in it's natural language. He gets Kurt a piano teacher when Kurt reveals his musical talents even earlier than that. Every time Burt is amazed at his son. His brilliant boy who picks up on things so fast, who shows dedication to all that he learns, who tutors himself when McKinley's public education is proven to be crap. His son is getting out of Lima, Ohio, and Burt is happy for him. He knows that he will miss his son. So much. But his son is going to be everything he wants to be because he is just that amazing. Burt only wishes that the rest of Lima could see that as well as he could.
4. Make sure your children eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep.
Kurt is independent from a very early age. Ever since his mother dies, he adopts the role for himself. He cooks, cleans, and makes sure he takes his baths brushes his teeth and gets dressed. Burt sometimes regrets that he can't do more for his son, but Kurt is stubborn to have everything done. Kurt learns to cook after weeks of failed meals. Burt learns to cook after weeks of kitchen fires. Burt can't keep up with everything, but he gets his son to school, and he can make dinner well enough so Kurt didn't overexert himself. While Burt didn't clean the house, he gets better at keeping it clean, so Kurt doesn't go on spring cleaing every other week. Burt is far from a pro when it comes to raising Kurt, but he manages. He wouldn't win any parenting awards, but Kurt assures him that he's doing just fine.
Still… As Kurt takes care of him after his heart attack, when Kurt cooks healthy meals and fawns over him, Burt reminisces to so many years back. Days when he had to beg Kurt to take a bath or brush his teeth. He remembers the laughing and smiles he shared with Molly at Kurt's stubbornness. He remembers "helping" Molly cook amazing feasts (by that he means loitering and sneaking bites). He sometimes thinks that Kurt wouldn't have to be so independent and self-reliable if Molly hadn't… If Molly was around. If she could help him out. If they could have worked together.
5. Spend time with your children. Talk, laugh, play, and enjoy each other.
Burt isn't going to lie and say that he understands everything that Kurt says or does. He really considers himself lucky if he can understand about a third of it at any given moment. He loves his son, dearly, but Burt is football and flannel and machismo, and Kurt is show choir and designer label and flamboyant. Kurt is a mystery to him. Relating to Kurt is difficult. Burt tries his very best, yet he and Kurt still miscommunicate. Yes, he pictured his son to be more like him and less like his Molly, but he loves Kurt more than he could ever love Finn and he feels terrible for doing anything to let Kurt think that for even a second. But they talk. When they talk, it's far from conversation, because usually one of them (Kurt) is going on about something the other is clueless about, but they make attempts. And if all those concerts, recitals, musicals, dances- everything Burt has sat through- don't count as bonding, then Burt has no hope. He can recite (not sing, he can't sing) every line to "Do You Hear the People Sing?" he's seen Les Miserables with Kurt so many times.
Kurt still remembers the tea party he and his dad had. It is one of Kurt's fondest memories of his childhood. He remembers the cute little china cups and the way he showed his dad how to drink tea "properly." He remembers the confused smile his dad wore and the way everything was alien to Burt, yet he tried anyway. He remembers the gruff compliments of "This tastes pretty good" and " This isn't so bad" and Kurt is just so happy to have such an accepting father. Kurt remembers every play he's dragged his dad to, every musical his dad's surprised him with, every traditional riverdance they've seen. Kurt know that sometimes he asks too much, but he never truly means it when he asks his dad to wear more than flannel or watch more than football. Because it's obvious that his dad makes the effort.
6. Protect your children. Make their safety your top priority.
Burt hasn't felt so worthless since Molly died. He hasn't had such an overwhelming feeling of "What do I do? Dear God, what do I do?" since Molly's funeral. He can't believe his son's life was being threatened without his knowing. He puts on a brave (angry) face, because he is the parent and he is supposed to be Kurt's rock, but what is he doing? He talks to Carole, he holds onto her like the lifeline she is, and he loves her so much right now. She is strong. She tells him what they're going to do. "We could send him to a private school. Hasn't he talked about a zero-tolerance policy before?"
"Dalton," he responds, "Dalton Academy… But it's going to be expensive-" But she won't have it.
"It's fine. We have the money." And when he looks at her expectantly, she reminds him, "We'll use the money saved up for our honeymoon." It's already decided.
And Burt can't bring himself to saying, "But the honeymoon…" because he loves Kurt and Carole both so much at the moment that he brings her in tight and mumbles, "Thank you. So much. I love you."
He doesn't mention that he'll make it up to her, or that she's sacrificing, because he knows she loves Kurt like a son and just as there is no doubt in his mind that cancelling the honeymoon for Kurt is the right thing to do (the only thing to do), she knows the same thing.
7. Acknowledge, praise, and reward your children's successes. Don't criticize when they try but fail.
Burt knows, despite every word he's ever said and now regretted, that his son is amazing. He knows his son is insanely talented. To the point of being unchallenged at a school like McKinley. So the money spent on Dalton is more than just Kurt's safety, but giving Kurt a challenge. Kurt brings home his first report card that spring and Burt is amazed. Dalton should have been much more difficult and his son is still a straight A student.
Yet Burt has to comfort his son about the audition for solo with the Warblers.
"Hey Bud, how's it going?" Burt can tell something is eating at his son when Kurt walks through the door. His son has been so happy at Dalton and even the slight difference in Kurt is noticeable.
"It's nothing," Kurt mumbles.
"Come on, Son. How can I help you if you never tell me what's going on?" Burt says this knowing it will make Kurt feel guilty. Kurt still sometimes apologizes for letting the bullying get as bad as it did without telling him.
"I didn't get the solo," Kurt responds as he slumps onto the couch in the living room. "It's not a big deal."
Burt hesitates- he doesn't want to make assumptions, but- "It's not because you're-"
Kurt interrupts, "What! No! Of course not! It's just…"
Burt's relieved that he doesn't have to pay another visit to the principal, but he's still worried for his son. "Just what?" He asks in a measured tone.
Kurt pauses, unsure how to explain, but continues anyways, "The Warblers are very… traditional. They're an a cappella group, Dad. My theatrical voice and impressive capability for high notes stands out too much. I shouldn't…" Kurt huffs, "Try so hard."
Burt puts his hand on Kurt's shoulder. He knew the transition would be rough for his son. The fact that Kurt had agreed to uniforms was a testament to how bad McKinley was.
He looked into Kurt's eyes. "One day you'll find someplace where you'll be truly appreciated, Kurt. That place may not be her in Lima or over in Dalton, but one day you'll find somewhere you truly belong. Where you can shine as bright as possibly can. I know it."
Kurt doesn't cry, but his eyes water and he hugs his dad. He grips his dad's shirt and smiles. While Lima may not hold his place in the world, the Hummel household is one place where he always feels accepted. No matter if he goes to New York for Broadway, Milan for fashion, or Hollywood for the silver screen, his father will be his first home.
8. Set limits to make children feel secure and to teach them responsibility.
The whole mess with Finn and Carole and Kurt stresses Burt more than he likes to admit. Especially since the heart attack- if he mentions stress around Kurt or Carole, they worry more than Burt thinks they need to. He was so angry with Finn… And so sorry to Carole… And disappointed in Kurt… When he calls Kurt out on his crush on Finn, he does so because Burt knows Kurt is not perfect and needs to understand that he needs to control himself. Burt thinks that while Kurt is mature and understanding and responsible and respectful, Kurt is not perfect. Burt knows how hard being the only out gay teenager affects his son. He knows how being a teenager affects his son. He really wants his son to be happy, but his son made a mistake. Burt knows that Kurt is confused and hurt and shocked and so many more emotions that Burt doesn't know the words for. Burt knows that his son is driving himself crazy being single and being lonely and being sexually repressed. When Burt was a teenager, girls were the only thing on his mind (really only one- Molly was one of the most amazing people he has ever met- but Kurt hasn't found his soul mate yet), and Burt can only imagine that it's worse for his son. So he softly, yet firmly, tells Kurt that he was wrong too.
9. Make a hug, a squeeze, a loving smile an everyday occurrence.
They are huddled together, as close as they can physically get. Kurt is sobbing and Burt has tears streaming down his face and both know that their lives are changed forever. Burt watches Kurt instead of the coffin as it's lowered into its grave, and he can only wonder what he will do. He loves his son. He loves his son more than anything on this planet and he is stricken with panic because he doesn't know what he's going to do. What, dear God, what is he going to do? What is he going to do without Molly? How is he going to raise Kurt? He mourns his wife, but his son is crying like his world has ended and Burt just needs to know what he's going to do now. He grabs his son's hand, grips it tight, and steels himself to raising Kurt by himself. He doesn't know what he's going to do, but he loves Kurt more than anything and will protect his son with everything he has.
10. Say the words, "I love you," at least once a day.
The night before Kurt's transfer, Burt quietly tip-toes down the stairs of his son's bedroom and whispers to Kurt, "I love you." Kurt whispers back, "I love you, too."
Neither Burt nor Kurt are very good at all at expressing their feelings. They are both immensely awkward and easily embarrassed when it comes to emotions. Even Kurt. Especially Kurt. (How is he compared to a girl again?) Kurt just keeps everything bottled inside him until it explodes out in an emotional mess or sloppily spills out through his actions. They prefer to show their emotions through actions- not words. But some things need to be said. Especially "I love you." So they say "I love you" every night because it's that is something they can manage without getting awkward and they need to know that they have each other no matter what.
The Bureau For At-Risk Children
135 Dupont St. Plainview, NY 11803