She sits on the edge of the chair, tense and silent. She hasn't even taken her coat off; she turned down all offers of a drink. Kalinda watches her and worries, just as she always does when Alicia's upset and she doesn't know how to fix it.
A minute passes, then another, and another. Alicia's eyes are downcast; she's hardly looked at her since she arrived. There's nowhere else to sit in her bare living room so she stands awkwardly next to the wall. She's sure that she's supposed to wait for her to speak, but the more time that passes, the more the fear builds.
"I've been trying to figure things out."
"Oh?" That means Peter, probably, or maybe Will again. Her heart calms a little. Boy trouble she can cope with.
"And I've been...I've been thinking about things, looking back at things, trying to see what I didn't see before..."
She's talking quietly, very seriously, staring resolutely at her hands. Kalinda doesn't understand all of the tension in her body; she thought they were past that, now. She thought that they were OK again. At least OK.
"Cary's a good guy."
She stares at her. Alicia doesn't talk like this; she explains things, tells stories, she doesn't sit in a ball of tension and hit her with non sequitors. Her heart speeds up again; this can't be going anywhere good.
"He is."
"Is it serious? You and him?"
Alicia still won't meet her eyes.
"It's only been a few months."
"That's long enough to be serious."
"Maybe for you."
She's not quite sure if she's allowed to say things like that yet, so she's relieved to see a small smile spread across Alicia's face.
"So not for you?"
"No."
"For Cary?"
And then she understands. With a rapidly sinking heart, she understands. They've been growing closer, in their newly-shared office. Laughing together, collaborating; striking up something new. Alicia's worried about her new friend and the kind of company he's keeping. She speaks after the stab of pain has passed its peak.
"I don't know. You'd have to ask him."
There's silence again. Kalinda tries to remember a time when their silences weren't filled with echoes of lost happiness.
"Cary's my friend now."
"I know." And you're not. Not properly, not truly, not deep down where it matters. Never again.
"So I want him to be happy."
"I know." Not deep down inside where my soul lives. Not like you were before.
"Which is why it makes no sense that I felt..."
So polite. She's always so polite. Of course it makes sense. Fucking other people's husbands makes you a whore. Care for the people who deserve it, warn them away from the wolves.
"I never liked Lana."
That shocks her out of her darkness. What the hell has Lana got to do with Cary?
"Lana?"
"She was so aggressive, she seemed to hate me without even knowing me. She talked to me like she hated me."
She blinks at her, lost in confusion.
"She talked to me like I was a threat."
"A threat?"
Alicia looks up at her for the first time since she sat down. Her eyes are clear and focused.
"I had reason to dislike Lana. I had reason to want you to stay away from her."
She'd liked that, in the bar; Alicia telling her to stay away from Lana. It had sounded jealous, possessive; she'd liked it a lot. She'd meant because of the FBI case, of course, because of the conflict of interest. That was what she thought she'd meant.
"But now with Cary, you and Cary...I want Cary to be happy. I want you to be happy."
"Thanks." It sounds ridiculous as soon as she says it, and she looks away. She has a horrible feeling Alicia's smiling.
"But I'm not happy. I haven't been happy since you started seeing Cary. I've been struggling with it, trying to analyse it, trying to figure it out and I have now, Kalinda. I figured it out as soon as I realized that there were only two explanations. Either I was jealous of you, or I was jealous..."
There's no end to that sentence that makes any sense. No possible end except...
"Or I was jealous of Cary. I was jealous for you."
That part she's mis-heard. Misunderstood. She stands still and waits to be corrected.
"They were the only options. And if they're the only options, then I know which one is true."
It feels like she's trying to think in a hurricane. She must mean – she can only mean – that the option was Cary, she's realized that she actually wants Cary. However crazy that sounds, when you rule out the impossible, then whatever remains is true.
"Are you going to say something?" asks Alicia.
"I'm not sure what to say."
Alicia sighs heavily, her immaculate posture drooping a little.
"Well then. I'd better go." She leans back slightly as if to stand up, but can't seem to make herself move any further.
"To see Cary?"
Alicia stares at her. "Cary? Why would I want to see Cary?"
"Because...you just said..."
Alicia's face changes from profound confusion to sudden understanding. And then to an expression that Kalinda's never seen before, or at least has never seen directed towards her. It looks very much like tenderness.
"I meant you, Kalinda." She says her name softly, gently, caressing its sounds.
She fights to hide the lightning bolt of excitement that courses through her veins, but she can't have come close to succeeding because she can actually see the tension drain away from Alicia's body; her worried face breaks out into a relieved smile, and a teasing light appears in her eyes.
"You know, you're normally quicker on the uptake than this."
There's not normally a hurricane in my head. "You're normally less cryptic," she says defensively.
"Mmm. Obviously been spending too much time with you."
"No you haven't," slips out of her lips through the storm. The tenderness returns to Alicia's face.
"Well we can fix that now." She reaches out a hand to her. Kalinda stands motionless for a few seconds before her natural instinct takes over. She obediently walks over to her and holds out her hand, watching as it's enfolded in Alicia's and caressed again and again.
"Before anything, um, before we...I mean if you want to..." A slight blush tinges Alicia's cheeks. Kalinda badly wants to touch her there. "You need to see Cary."
"Oh." God, she'd forgotten about Cary the moment her hand touched Alicia's. "I'll talk to him."
"Could you do it today?"
"Today?" It's meant to tease her, make fun of her impatience. It sounds more like she's in awe.
"Yes. Would that be OK?"
"Yes."
"OK. OK then." She's still caressing her hand, sliding their fingers together, whisper-soft fingertips over her palm. "Do you think he'll be all right?"
"I think so. I think he knew that I wasn't..."
"Wasn't what?"
Wasn't what, Kalinda? Wasn't really interested in him? Wasn't interested in a serious relationship? Wasn't what, Kalinda? For some reason she can only speak the truth.
"Wasn't free for him."
Alicia's eyebrows shoot up her forehead so fast that she has to restrain her laughter.
"Because of me?"
The smile sets up home before she can stop it. With her free hand she lets herself touch her cheek lightly; just once, says her brain. Don't get all sentimental on me.
"No, Michelle Pfeiffer."
Her hand isn't obeying her brain's instructions; instead it's stroking Alicia's face, sliding gently through her hair. The tension has completely gone, now; she hasn't seen her look so happy for months. She hasn't ever seen her look so happy.
"And if you can't get Michelle Pfeiffer?"
She feigns offence, tracing the outside of Alicia's ear, the side of her neck.
"You don't think I could get Michelle Pfeiffer?"
Alicia reaches out and puts a hand around her waist, drawing her closer, straining her neck slightly to look up at her.
"I don't think you want Michelle Pfeiffer."
Never seen her look so happy and never seen her look so confident, so sure of herself. In everyday life she's beautiful; this is mesmerizing.
"Sorry?"
Alicia tips her head back slightly and laughs, warm and free. She's pulled in a little tighter to her body.
"You're not even listening now."
She traces a path across the nape of her neck. "I was fantasizing about Michelle Pfeiffer."
"Mm-hmm."
She's going to love this. Already, she can tell, she's going to love this: Alicia teasing her like this, finally knowing how she feels, confident in her affection. Alicia happy because of her.
Because of her. She's going to really love this.
They gaze at each other for a little while, revelling in their new embrace. She can't stop touching Alicia's face. Finally, Alicia breaks the silence.
"You really need to talk to Cary."
"Will you stay here? Wait for me?"
"I'm allowed?"
Kalinda smiles at her surprise. "Yes."
"Well. I've gone up in the world."
"You would have been allowed before. You just never asked."
Alicia gives her a suspicious look. "So I could have just come over all this time? Invited myself round for a chat? You would have been fine with that?"
"Sure," she says, deadpan. Alicia laughs, giving her a knowing look.
She makes a superhuman effort and manages to pull her hand away from her, heading to the door and picking up her keys and phone. When she turns around Alicia has leant back in the chair, settled in, her legs crossed at the ankle. Her face is serious but her eyes are smiling, fully aware of her new privileges.
"You'll stay here?"
Alicia smiles, warm and understanding. "I will."
"Bye."
"Bye."
She takes one last look at Alicia's smile before she closes the door and sets off to tell Cary what she's sure he already knows.