THE ABSOLUTE PARODY
By 13thHexagon
DISCLAIMER:
I don't own Drizzt, any other Forgotten Realms characters, Star Wars anything, Metroid except for copies of Super Metroid and Mertroid Prime 2, The Legend of Zelda except for copies of Majora's Mask, Ocarina of Time, Zelda Collection, and Wind Waker. I don't own HALO in any way except for 2 copies of HALO PC, and the books. I don't own The Lord of The Rings, except for copies of 3 of the games, all of the books, The Hobbit, Farmer Guiles of Ham, and The Silmarillion. And oh yeah, the platinum and regular DVD editions of the movies. I also don't have a Ferrarri, an IPOD, an XBOX, or loads of cash. Feel free to give me any rights or misc. stuff. I am going to mock more stuff, and anything that isn't in this disclaimer will (read may) be in a secondary one at the bottom of the chapter. Or the disclaimer will be in next chap.. Now that that's over…
Oops, one more thingy: the first chapter will pro'ly suck. A lot. Wait for the rest: it's better.
CHAPTER ONE: New Birth
In a dark chamber in Mezzoberranzan, the Matron Mother of House Do'Urden lay giving birth. An animated suit of armor was standing to receive the babies.
"New life," the armor said, presenting a wet Drow baby to the Matron.
"Drizzt," the Matron named the baby… she was also naming the kid who'd almost directly slaughter her.
Unbeknownst to her, her second son was playing a deadly prank on his older brother†. He quietly slipped a tarantula in front of the armor's hand.
"New life," the armor repeated, passing the tarantula to the Matron. She instantly went from tired to full on psychotic.
"Which of you little (untranslated from the Drow)s did this!" she shrieked, "WHO!"
The younger brother† was quick to point out the eldest†.
The unlucky drow was instantly vaporized by magic‡.
"Aw… now I can't sacrifice him…" Briza† complained.
"Who?" the now eldest† son asked.
"The baby. Of course. The baby. Yep. The baby." She said, suddenly uncomfortable by the scrutiny.
And so, the hero of legend was born. Clad in the white of diapers, he would eventually seal away great evils, seek legendary swords, and all of that jazz. Of course, that would be years from now. For now, li'l Drizzt would sleep. And get his diaper, no longer white, changed. And be potty-trained. And… you get it.
by slaughter, I mean COMPLETELY F&ING MURDERIZE!
†I actually forgot their names, and by Dark Elf Trilogy book isn't at hand…
‡Magic! It can explain anything, no questions asked. What's that Bobby? Where'd he go? I SAID NO QUESTIONS ASKED! Now go with the men in the black suits before I have to hurt you… more than they already will.