Hey guys :) This is my first FMA fic, so if anyone's terribly out of character (besides Ed. He's supposed to be like that), please let me know!
Credit where it's due: Big thanks to silvers-edge for giving me the idea on how to get Ed high. So, big thanks to you! :)
Based off the song "If you were Gay" from Avenue Q. If you listen to that, and THEN read this, it makes it that much funnier. So check it out!
Warnings: Language, Getting high (but no drugs), randomness, OOCness for Ed in the beginning, hinted RoyEd (but nothing terrible.)
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or "If you were Gay".
Enjoy!
Roy Mustang groaned as his lieutenant walked into his office once again, arms full of unsigned papers with words that bored him to tears. His fingers itched to snap and just burn away the offending forms, but then he'd get a bullet between the eyes.
"Thank you, Lieutenant. I guess you really are trying to kill me. This paperwork just never ends! I swear my hand's going to fall off." The alchemist complained while exaggeratedly dangling his throbbing hand in the air as the paperwork fell next to another stack with a 'thud'.
Riza Hawkeye bit back a smirk, schooling her features into indifferent and uncaring mask. "Sorry, sir, but they must be done. And if you need some motivation..." she trailed off, fingers inching toward the holster on her hip.
Mustang visibly paled and snatched up his pen and began scribbling frantically on the signature lines to avoid the wrath of the sharp-shooter. Riza allowed herself a small smile before leaving the room quietly.
Minutes passed, with only the steadily slowing sound of a scratching pen, before uneven footsteps approached the door.
'Here we go. I wonder what he's going to do today. At least I can take a break from paperwork...'
Edward Elric kicked open the door soon after with a sing-songy shout of, "I'm back!", his kick making the doorknob lodge into the wall. The alchemist stared at it for a second before giggling and skipping towards it.
"Oops! My bad! Lemme fix that for ya, Colonel!" The blonde pried the doorknob from the wall, quickly fixing the dents in it and clapped his hands together to repair the hole in the plaster. He slammed the door shut behind him, and half-skipped towards the shocked Colonel's desk.
"Um, Fullmetal? Are you feeling alright? You never fix my stuff...Uh, never mind. How did your mission go?" Mustang asked tentatively, while he silently sighed in relief, inwardly thankful that the 16 year old wasn't going on a rampage or rant, but hoping his newest attitude change wasn't permanent, because frankly...it was creepy.
The teenager plopped onto the couch, bouncing back up slightly, before he set a finger to his lips in thought as he kicked his feet back and forth.
"Well, the factory looked pretty empty! Maybe there were some people around yesterday, but there sure weren't any around today!" Ed reported with a goofy grin on his face and his eyes lit up playfully. A high-pitched giggle escaped his lips as he thought back on the mission.
"What exactly was in the 'empty' factory?" Roy asked suspiciously. His eyes were narrowed and his thoughts whirled around his subordinate's strange behaviour.
Edward simply grinned again, before turning mock-serious. He stood and walked over to his commanding officer's desk and leaned forward to inspect the alchemist sharply.
"Hey, Roy?" Mustang twitched at being addressed by his first name, but waved it off with the excuse that it was because of Edward's strange mood.
"What do you want, Fullmetal?" He sighed, scrubbing at his face with one gloved hand.
"Take off your gloves."
"...What?"
"Take off your gloves."
"And why should I do that?"
Edward leaned forward even more, putting a hand to one side of his mouth. He glanced around for a second before whispering, "Because, what I'm gonna ask you may make ya mad."
A tick formed on the Colonel's temple, and he ground his teeth together. A white gloved hand darted out to push the blond out of Mustang's face before he took the gloves off and set them far, far away.
"Just get it over with, Fullmetal."
Fullmetal looked confused at first, brow furrowed, before smirking. He leaned forward into Roy's face again, making gold flood the vision of the older man.
"Colonel!" He sing-songed. "Are you...gay?" He inquired, a mischievous sparkle in those odd-colored eyes.
The Colonel spluttered, once again pushing his subordinate's giggling face away from his own. He quickly regained his composure, glaring at Edward the entire time. He tented his fingers and set his chin on top of them.
"No, Fullmetal, I'm not gay. What makes you ask an off-topic question like that?"
Instead of answering, Edward cackled, bending in half from laughing so hard.
"And what joke am I missing?" The Colonel almost scowled, before quickly regaining his composure. He really wanted to knock some sense into his subordinate, but that really wasn't so possible with his gloves so far away.
After a few more minutes of laughing, Edward abruptly stopped with a deep breath and snapped his head backwards to look at the ceiling in fascination. His mouth was an 'o' and his eyes were wide and staring childishly upwards.
"Rainbows...", the Major mumbled quietly.
Mustang gaped, mouth open and eyes wide. With a shake of his head, he looked around his desk before picking up a thick book and dropping it heavily with a 'thump'. This snapped the teenager out of his staring contest with the ceiling to half-heartedly glare at Mustang.
"Mustang! Why'd ya do that? Ya big fat bastard! You could've given me a heart attack!" Edward placed a hand over his heart, looking mockingly hurt.
Mustang snorted, rolling his dark eyes in Ed's direction skeptically. "It'll take a lot more than that to kill you, Fullmetal."
Edward grinned before prancing back over to the desk, bouncing a few inches with each step.
"You'd miss me, wouldn't ya, Mustang? Do you wanna know why you'd miss me? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
The older alchemist sighed in exasperation and wondered how the hell he got stuck taking care of this kid.
"Why, Ed? Why will I miss your incessant talking and yelling?"
"Guess!"
"No."
Ed put his hands on his hips, looking ashamed. "You could've figured it out if you had tried!" He whined, waving his arms around frantically. "It's 'cause you're gay for me! That's why!"
Mustang deadpanned, blinking slowly at the blond right in front of him. "Am I now?" He asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. Ed nodded rapidly, his braid flopping around wildly.
"I'm not dealing with this anymore. Hawke-"
"No!" Edward covered Roy's mouth to muffle his yell. "Sorry Mustang! I didn't mean to be a bother. But you know it's true." He added, removing his gloved hand from his superior's mouth.
"Sure, Fullmetal. Live in a lie."
"Denial isn't healthy!"
"Then I guess I don't need to worry about my mental condition. It's yours that I'm more worried about."
Edward made a whining sound, and stomped away from the desk to flop onto a couch.
"Bastard."
"Where did you go, Fullmetal? I can't see you over my desk." Roy smirked, anticipating the reaction with a hint of malicious glee.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE CAN'T BE HEARD UNLESS HE HAS A BULLHORN?"
"Definitely not you," the Colonel muttered to himself, which, naturally, Ed heard. He jumped up off the couch and sauntered over to where Roy was with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"You're still in denial! But you know..." Ed trailed off, obviously waiting for a certain reaction from Roy before continuing.
"What do I know?" Roy sighed wearily, already tiring of these games. He just wanted to know what the hell was wrong with Ed and then kick him out of his office and lock the door...multiple times. Maybe even put him in a straitjacket.
Apparently this was the answer he wanted because Ed took a step back, and inhaled deeply, a face-splitting grin on his face.
"If you were gay," Edward sang, eyeing Roy happily. "That'd be okay. I mean, cause hey, I'd like you an-y-way. Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say, that I was gay!" Ed suddenly covered the side of his mouth with his flesh hand, looking as if he were telling a secret again, and continued the song. "But I'm not gay!"
Roy moaned. "Please, Ed, don't sing. You can't sing. Shut up, and leave! I want to be left in peace!"
Edward shook his head no, and darted behind the Colonel's desk to rest his head on the uniform covered shoulders, simply laying his head there, until Roy whipped his head around with a shout of "What?"
Ed smirked again, and skipped to the other side of the desk, swinging his hips as he walked, his red coat fluttering with each stride.
"If you were queer," Ed continued, singing loudly and off-key, "I'd still be here."
"Fullmetal, shut up. That's an order." Roy commanded, scowling deeply.
Ed simply charged on with the lyrics as if he hadn't just been threatened. "Year after year, because you're dear to me! And I know that you would accept me too-"
Roy's eyes rolled, but he couldn't deny that it really wouldn't bother him if his subordinate randomly walked up and told him he was gay.
"-If I told you today, 'Hey, guess what? I'm gay!' But I'm not gay!" On the last sentence, Ed wagged his flesh pointer finger at Roy in time with the words, the other hand resting on his hip. Roy couldn't deny that this wasn't funny, but it was still annoying as hell.
"I'm happy! Just being with you," Edward chirped happily, moving his arms to motion the words he was singing, as his superior officer mentally told himself that the feeling was not mutual.
"-So what should it matter to me, what you do in bed with guys?" Edward kept up an innocent facade for a moment, before winking and beginning to dance again.
The older alchemist felt sick to his stomach as his imagination took over. He couldn't help a shout of "That's disgusting!" before he decided on a different tactic of getting Ed to stop. Kids bother you when they are bored, so if you don't respond, then they go away to bother someone else, right? So that's what the Colonel was going to do.
Ed giggled, but continued, his golden eyes dancing around the room, as he spun and twisted in time to his crazy song. "If you were gay, I'd shout, 'HOORAY'!" The teenager threw his hands up in the air at 'HOORAY' and gave a little jump as he cheered.
"I'm not listening!" Roy shouted over the singing, plugging his ears and wishing he hadn't put his gloves away.
"And here I'd stay, but I wouldn't get in your way!"
Roy continued plugging his ears, chanting "La la la la la!" to block out the incessant and bizarre song. He began to absently wonder where the hell this kid had learned it.
"You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way, and, as they say, it's in your DNA! You're gay!" By Ed's singing, Roy could tell the song was done, and boy was he thankful. But of course he wasn't not going to object to be calling gay.
"I'm not gay, Fullmetal!" Roy snarled, glaring at the blond who was in a finale pose, arms spread wide, and legs apart. He began to wave his hands with a grin on his face.
"But if you were gay."
Roy groaned and dropped his head on his desk, for once wishing his distraction from paperwork would go away. He definitely preferred the mind-dulling work.
A loud 'thud' broke into his thoughts, and he saw Ed unconscious in front of his desk, spread-eagled on the floor, with a small smile on his lips.
Roy shook his head in exasperation as he walked around his desk to pick up his subordinate and lay him on the couch. "Crazy kid. I'm just glad you can't sing anymore. Now to get a doctor..."
Ed moaned as he came to and placed a hand on his head as it throbbed painfully with a headache.
"Damn it, that hurts." His eyes flickered open and after a moment of getting his bearings, realized he was in the Colonel's office. "What the hell..." he muttered.
"Good morning, Fullmetal. How was your nap?" questioned a familiarly smug voice. Ed could almost hear the smirk.
"Nap? What the hell happened, Mustang?" Ed gritted out, as he sat up and propped himself against the back of the couch to look at the Colonel confusedly.
"Well, you've been unconscious for about two hours after you returned from your mission to that abandoned factory. You collapsed in here and I called in a doctor. He looked at you and said you inhaled a vast amount of chemical fumes." Roy relayed, but his expression told that he was editing the story.
"What else happened?" Edward asked suspiciously, gold eyes narrowed to slits.
"Nothing," the Colonel lied smoothly.
Edward scowled, before clearing his face of emotion. "Huh. I guess your old age really is getting to you if you can't even remember something that happened two hours ago."
Roy rolled his eyes. "I'm not rising to the bait, but if you really want to know, I'll tell you. You were high off the chemical fumes."
Ed froze as he understood the implications. "I came straight here after the mission, didn't I?"
Roy smirked and stood to walk over and sit on the couch next to Ed.
"Do either of the phrases, 'Rainbows' or 'If you were gay' ring a bell?"
The teenager's eyes widened to impossible sizes, pupils overtaking irises to make his eyes black with a gold band.
"You're joking, right? Please, please tell me you're joking."
"Nope," Roy grinned wickedly, popping the 'p'.
Ed groaned and dropped his head onto his palms, elbows resting on his knees.
"Fullmetal you don't need to worry. I won't tell anyone." Roy inwardly grinned, hoping that Ed would reply how he wanted him to.
"Ok, good," Edward breathed out, sighing in relief.
"Cause you know..." Roy trailed off, waiting for a response.
The younger alchemist eyed him suspiciously, waiting for the catch.
Roy chuckled before continuing, in a singing voice. "If you were gay-"
Edward cut him off with a "Damn it Roy, Shut up!" followed by a cackle of glee at the sweet revenge.
'Now this is way better than paperwork.'
So, did you love it? Did you hate it? Was it funny? Horrid? Let me know please! I want everyone to be happy! So, reviews are greatly appreciated! Flames are given to Roy to do his pyromaniac thing, aka make marshmallows (of course!)
Have a wonderful day or night, and thanks for reading!
Until Next Time!