I have many regrets in my life.
I have killed aliens, shunned romance, and given away far too many jelly babies. There are things I have done that I am not proud of. In my countless years as the Doctor, I have done many times what I should not.
But a little-known secret is that most of these regrets happened before I even gained my title. Most of these regrets happened during my years at the Academy, when I was part of the rebellious clique called the Deca, when I was free to be whatever I wanted and love whoever I wanted.
Most of these regrets happened because of Koschei. And I would be lying if I said I never loved him.
Let me be completely honest.
I have many regrets in my life, but falling in love with the boy who's now my arch-enemy is definitely not one of them.
01. Old Friends
The first orientation day of my teenage years at the Academy is sunny and all my books are new, but everything's still incredibly scary. For the first and last time in my life, my messy hair is auburn red.
"All first-year boys please report to the common room," calls a melodic voice from the intercom. Full of fleeting optimism, I pick up my heavy suitcase and drag it up the stairs. I catch a glimpse of the complicated timetable another student is holding and groan. It's going to be a long day.
When I reach the common room, I nearly bump into a taller boy who's leaning against the couch and talking to his friend. He turns around, a belittling smile on his face, and instantly I notice how beautiful he is. My face flushes red. No, Theta. Girls are beautiful; boys are ugly.
Our school uniform is simply a white shirt and black trousers, but it looks incredibly fashionable on this boy. He's slender, with large dark eyes and high cheekbones, and his glossy brown hair falls in short, sharp waves past his ears. His skin is clear and pale, and his perfect grin grows even wider as he looks at me in surprise and says, "Thete?"
I blink. "Yes, who are you?" I reply warily.
He rolls his eyes. "It's me," he laughs. And it's then that I notice his crossed arms, his fingers quietly tapping out a pattern on his forearm. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four.
My eyes widen, and I step closer to him. "Koschei?" I say.
He laughs again and ruffles my hair as I try to bat his hands away. "You haven't changed a bit, darling," he says warmly.
My cheeks go even redder. Don't call me that. I'm thirteen. I'm nobody's darling but my mother's. "You have," I say softly. Where is the boy I remember from my childhood, my best friend with the bug eyes and short hair and weedy physique? He's certainly grown up over the holidays, whereas I've stayed short and skinny with freckles scattered across my nose and hair like a bird's nest. It's unfair.
"You'll pull all the girls this year, I bet," I mumble, stubbing my toe against the wall.
Koschei's smile twists a little. "I don't want any of them," he murmurs. His eyes lock with mine, and there's something in his gaze that I couldn't explain if I tried. "To be honest, I've never really wanted anybody else..." I don't know what he means. I don't want to know what he means. Ignorance is bliss, right?
Principal Alpha calls us to attention, and we all sit down. Koschei sighs heavily and slips his hand into mine, sending a tingle through my whole body, and pulls me down next to him on the couch. His body is warm and his smile is welcoming. My hearts are pounding in my ears. Is this what it feels like to...want somebody?
Get a grip, Theta, I tell myself. This is Koschei you're talking about here. Koschei, who laughed when I said he was a good person and played chasey with me at his father's house. Koschei, who I've known since the day I was born. Koschei, who is leaning closer to me and laying his head on my shoulder and pretending to snore and oh God is this what nuzzling is oh God it feels so good who cares about silly old Alpha and her speech? His lips brush my neck and I can feel a shiver creeping up my spine because this should definitely not be happening to me. Girls are beautiful; boys are ugly.
After the principal's speech, another teacher steps up to the front of the common room and reads out the list of roommates. How tedious. "...and Room 96: Theta Sigma and Koschei Mal," he finishes, and my head snaps up. I glance at Koschei, who's smiling like it's his birthday. All the other dorm rooms have four or five boys in them; I wonder if he organised this. His father surely has the money to make it happen. I wonder what he's planned for us together, alone in a cosy room with rainfall roaring outside, and all of a sudden I'm hard. I shift my books onto my lap and pray that he never noticed.
What is happening to me?
The teacher dismisses us, and everybody starts to leave.
"Shall we go up?" I say, cocking my head towards the staircase.
Koschei glances at me, and just the sight of his happiness makes me feel safe and dangerous at the same time. "'Course," he replies. Suddenly he seems wilder, stronger. "Thete, you're my best friend, and I want you to know that you can always trust me," he murmurs, taking a second too long to look away.
I roll my eyes at him. "I'll never trust you."
He grins and squeezes my hand. "Nope, you definitely haven't changed," he chuckles. Then he picks up my fifty-kilogram suitcase, lifts it above his head, and carries it up the stairs. He's not showing off; it seems natural for him. After a minute or so he comes back and gets his own. "Ah, Thete," he says, "I've missed you like crazy. Come on, bitch, we've got a room to mess up."
Just like that, I'm a goner.