Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Weißcracks
Type: 1/2, parody
Teaser: A parody of sorts that has been revolving around my head, Weiß boys vs Gundam Wing boys in lame attempt at humor.
Rating: PG
Spoilers:
Warnings: Shonen Ai, AU, cross-over
Disclaimer: Weiß Kreuz is not mine…will never be mine but damn if that'll stop me from torturing their lives in my fics...Gundam Wing is also not mine…
Keywords: Weiß, Gundam Wing boys
I did it again…this is a nonsensical bit that just came into my head. Please don't kill me because I just had to do this. Yes, I did…may not be that funny but I can almost see them do this, er, I think…I just had to take a break from my more serious fics…
Gundam Wing fans
be warned…this is a Weiß centered ficcie so there might just be more
Gwing bashing than Weiß bashing…gomen!
Weißcracks
Part 1
Swythangel: Hey minna-san, get in place already!
[sounds of grumbling]
Youji: Why do we have to do this? [looks up to the sky]
Duo: Who does she think she is anyway!
Swythangel: [scowls at Duo]I heard that, Shinigami! I am the end all and be all of your universe. In this fic, I rule! Because I'm the writer and what I say goes!
Duo: I could remedy that with Deathscythe almost immediately…[mutters]
Swythangel: Do you want me to cut off your braid?
Duo: [looks panicked] Heero! Do something!
Heero: Hn.
Everyone: [sweatdrops]
Ken: I want to watch a soccer game on TV. Can't we do this some other time? [plaintive voice]
Swythangel: [cuddles Kenken] Gomen Ken-kun! But this'll only take a little while…
Omi: Hey this could be fun, ne, Aya-kun? [bounce]
Aya:….
Omi: [sighs] I should have known Aya-kun wouldn't respond!
Wufei: [after reading the script] This is preposterous! An injustice! I will not be ordered about by some weak onna!
Swythangel: [whacks Wufei with mallet] Oh stop it, Wufei! You will do as you are told or else!
Wufei: [glares] Or else what?
Swythangel: I will tell everyone just what you and Treize did last night. [smug look]
Wufei: [flushes] Whoever said I wasn't doing this? [slinks away, scowling, to his place]
Swythangel: Hey Wu-man! Not bad for a weak onna ne? [grins at glaring Wufei]
[Trowa and Quatre have prudently chosen to remain silent which is a good thing, because then this introduction would take longer.]
Swythangel: [shouts]Now stop this grumbling, bishonens and get into place! OR ELSE!
Everyone: Damn tyrannical writer…ought to be banned!
Swyth-chan: Silence! Now get into place…
[everyone scuffles into position][lights go on to reveal a stage with swirling spotlights][music blares out]
Announcer: Welcome to the show Weißcracks! The show where we pit Weiß boys with other bishonens from other series to…er, what is the purpose of this show?
Swyth-chan: Read the script, damn it!
Announcer: Oh yeah! Where we pit the Weiß boys with other bishonens to find out who are the better men…[raises eyebrows] [to Swythangel] Hey isn't this unfair? I mean, they aren't even of the same genre, timeline, etc.…
Swyth-chan: [looks mutinous] Well, that's what I want and what I want goes!
Announcer: Whatever you say…[mutters]This is a really biased show!
Swyth-chan: [prods announcer] go on!
Announcer: Uh, tonight we have special guests from the future…The Gundam Boys, namely Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Winner and Chang Wufei [spotlight focuses on surly Heero, sulking Maxwell who beams at the camera because he could never resist the spotlight, impassive Trowa, smiling Quatre and glaring Wufei]
[loud roar from rabid fangirls drown out announcer]
Announcer: Oh hush! As I was saying…and the stars of our show! The Weiß boys we all know and love…Aya Fujimiya, Youji Kudou, Ken Hidaka and Omi Tsukiyono…
[Aya sits impassively. Youji smiles for the multitude of fangirls, Ken and Omi wave.]
[pandemonium from the fangirls, louder cheers, after all this is sent to the wk fandom ^^]
Fangirls: Aaaiieee! Kenken! Yotan! Omiitchi! Ayan! We love yooouuuuu!
Duo: [mutters to Heero] Why do I get the feeling this is an *extremely* biased show?
Heero: Hn.
Announcer: Ok, simmer down audience….and here's our host, the lovable Swythangel! [waves as she ignores the snorts of derision at the word 'lovable']
Swyth-chan: Thank you Mr. Announcer and welcome to the show everyone. For those who don't know what Weißcracks is all about, we have a brief explanation…Roll VTR!
[video screen in the middle of the stage flickers to life]
Disembodied voice: Weißcracks is the show where people who think they're better than Weiß gets a chance to prove they are better…in a battle of wits, strength and whatever cockamamie idea the creator of this show dreams up.
Quatre: Anou…so who said we thought we were better than they are, koi? [tugs at Trowa's sleeve]
Trowa: [shrugs]I don't know Little One.
Disembodied voice: [annoyed voice] Now if you two would stop sweet talking then maybe you'd learn who…[Trowa and Quatre facevaults at the VTR, they never thought they made them interactive in this century…] Anyway, back to the explanation…Who may join. Those who wisecrack the Weiß boys get the chance to prove themselves against them.
Wufei: [annoyed] Injustice! No one among the Gundam pilots wisecracked these, these…Weiß boys. I don't even know who they are!
[Duo flushes]
Disembodied voice: [annoyed voice] Well, Mr. Starchy-Warchy Defender of Justice! If you'd let me finish, you'd know who did it. Jeez, these guys are so impatient.
Swyth-chan: [prods] Get on with it.
Disembodied voice: Yeah yeah! So, since our contenders are so impatient…let's roll this scene we taped so we can find out just who wisecracked Weiß.
[video of Duo sitting on the couch watching TV, strains of Beautiful Alone can be heard]
Duo: Tch! What's so cool about a group of assassins masquerading as florists in the morning? They sound so wimpy! What's the big deal of killing people…I can probably kill more than a hundredfold of their number with my Gundam Deathscythe…[swishes imaginary scythe around] Shinigami rules! Haha!
[tape stops]
Duo: [surprised] How did they get that? I mean really! Its impossible to know where our safehouses are. How can you sneak a camera into a top secret place when you don't know where it is?
Swythangel: [whacks Duo and parrots her trademark line] I am the end all and be all of your universe. In this fic, I rule! Because I'm the writer and what I say goes! Now shut up. You're in deep doo-doo!
[Duo finally realizes that all the other Gundam pilots had converged on him]
[Silence as all the Gundam pilots stare at the reddening Duo]
Duo: [sheepish look] Er, ah…ooopsie?
Quatre: Duo, how could you!
Trowa: [shakes head]
Wufei: Maxwell! You bring dishonor to the Gundam pilots!
Heero:…
Swythangel: [goes to Gboys] Break it up you guys, we have to continue with the show, you know! And since you are already here, you'd better make it good…or face dishonor in front of millions of viewers.
Duo: Damn it! We can beat 'em! I mean we are the best aren't we? No way am I going to let sissy flower boys get the better of me…
Quatre: Oh Duo..[sighs] you'll never grow up.
Wufei: But Maxwell is right, we have to win this. For the honor of the Gundams…Nataku, I will not let you down. [Wufei raises fist and fire burns in his eyes]
[Gboys sweatdrops]
Heero: When this is finished… [threatening
note in his voice][glares at Duo]
Swyth-chan: Quit it! The first competition will now start. [presses button] The first two contestants are…
[Vidscreen shows slot machine-like apparatus which rolls around and stops. It displays the faces of Aya and Heero]
Swythangel: Aya and Heero! Come on down…
[Reluctant Aya and Heero walk to Swythangel after proddings from their respective kois.]
Aya:[mutters to himself] I will not sink to their level. I will not do anything.
Heero: [thinks to himself] This is not a mission therefore it is irrelevant. I will not be a clown. I will do nothing.
Swythangel: And the task you have to do is…[opens envelope] Urk! o.O Deathglares…the best deathglare wins.
Duo: [laughs aloud and holds up V-sign] Yatta ne! We'll win for sure! Heero has a deathglare unmatched in the universe. [looks to Aya] Although that is one hunk of man…[admiring glance at Aya who ignores him]
Ken: [defends Aya] Hah! That's what you think! My…[blush] er, our Aya can outglare a basilisk. And stop looking at him like that! He is off-limits.
Duo: [sticks out his tongue at Ken] Well, you can't stop me…go Heero! [to Aya] Want to get together sometime?
Ken: [looks surlier than a thundercloud and stalks to where Aya is to block Duo's view of Aya] Quit it, Maxwell!
Duo: [also goes to middle of the stage] Try and stop me, Hidaka! [Ken is now acting like a goalkeeper and trying to block Duo from ever reaching his koi.]
Heero: [who had resolved not to do anything in this stupid contest since it wasn't a mission at all, finally snapped at Duo's irritating antics][takes gun out of his spandex shorts and glares his infamous deathglare at Duo] Omae o korusu, Duo!
Duo: [glomps Heero]Wai! Koi! Heero, that was one of the best deathglares you ever did!
[bell sounds and crowd cheers]
Swyth-chan: Yokatta ne! That was a good deathglare Heero! Now stow the gun…after all this isn't a violent show.
Heero: [sputters] But I didn't…I wasn't planning to do that deathglare thing. I demand a recount.
Swyth-chan: Stop being so modest. And who do you think you are? The Bush-Gore party? This is not the elections, so quit it! [turns to Aya] Your turn Aya-kun!
[crowd starts to chant Aya's name]
Aya: …[closes eyes and pretends not to hear anything][crosses arms]
Ken: Aya…
Duo: [still clinging to Heero][snickers at Ken] Well it seems that you can't even make him do what he has to ne? We win! We win! And since *you* obviously can't get him to do anything, maybe you should let me try. If we win, I get to go out with the redhead ne? [ignores Heero's glare]
Ken: [pleading eyes] Aya? Onegai?
Omi: [to Youji] Poor Ken-kun! We can't just let him suffer there…This Duo Maxwell is a real flirt, ne, Youji-kun.
Youji: [ruffles Omi's hair] Yes, he is. A boy after my own heart. Why he could be my younger brother. [grin]
Omi: [suspicious look] You aren't thinking of seducing the boy are you, Youji-kun?
Youji: [laughs] NO, he's obviously too young. 15 or so, I'd think. And you know I don't go for anyone younger than 18.
Omi: [to himself] Don't I know it! One day I'm going to jump him. [sighs aloud]
Youji: Don't worry about Ken, Omi. Ken'll think of a way. Trust him.
Omi: [sighs] I hope so. Aya-kun can be so stubborn at times.
Youji: Yeah he can be. [to himself]because he has a stick shoved up his ass…
[Ken thinks and thinks. He knows Aya wouldn't do the deathglare even if he pleaded with him…what could possibly….]
Ken: [lightbulb flash] Aha! [in a theatrical voice] Oh my God! Look! Is that Reiji Takatori? [points to something on his right]
[Aya's eyes turn to a fiery violet as he reached for his katana, running to where Ken pointed]
Aya: Takatori? SHI-NE! [deathglare worth a thousand basilisks] Where has the dishonorable dog gone? [swings head to sweep a look at everyone]
Duo: [eyes widen] Oh my!
Ken: [smirks]
Swythangel: [blinks at Aya's deathglare] That was one heck of a deathglare. Judges?
[Aya's face on the vidscreen lights up. Cheers from the crowd.]
Ken: [throws himself at Aya] You did it! You did it, Aya!
Aya: [glares at Ken]You tricked me…
Ken: Er, gomen? [looks up to see Aya still glaring] Eeps! Youji, Omi, tasukete! [runs to hide under Youji and Omi] [pops head up from behind Youji] You do realize, Aya, that I did it because I love you? I couldn't give you over to that flirty boy…
Aya: … [After all what can Aya say against such a wonderful, innocent and oh-so-kawaii boy with the most melting brown eyes this side of creation.]
Youji: I sense a definite bias here [nods] Don't you Omi?
Omi: Damn straight. Why does she always dote on Kenken?
Swythangel: [whacks both] No comment. Now on with the show…Let's see what the slot machine has for us…[presses buttons] Whee! This is fun, sort of like Vegas! [push buttons some more]
Wufei: [disgusted expression] Baka onna!
Swythangel: What did you say, Wu-man? [narrows eyes]
Wufei: [remembers Swyth-chan's threat]
Nothing!
[Slot machine shows Ken and Trowa's face]
Swythangel: Our next contender is that most adorable, innocent, soccer-loving, kawaii Kenken and his opponent, Trowa!
[Ken fangirls cheer with matching pompom routine]
Ken: [blushes] Really, that was so unnecessary…[almost trips over his own feet]
[Quatre grips Trowa's hand and squeezes it, whispering] Good luck, koi!
Trowa: [bestows one of his rare one-eyed smiles on Quatre]
Swyth-chan: [stars in her eyes] Awwww…
Duo: This is a fixed contest! [sputters] She is obviously biased! And to that…that…
[Swythangel snaps fingers and a bucket of water pours down on Duo] Oh go cool off Shinigami! [beams] I just love having absolute power…
Wufei: [mutters to himself]Drunk with power…no honor. [a bucket of water also falls on Mr' Justice-is-my-life-Honor-or-death]
Swythangel: [grins] Alright, let's see what your tasks are…
Ken: [beams happily at Trowa] Hello I'm Ken! I hope we get some fun stuff to do, like soccer ne?
[The dear adorable boy just can't help but befriend even his opponent.]
Quatre: [peers at last comment] Sou ka! I see they weren't joking. You are biased, Swyth-chan.
Swyth-chan: [grins and huggles the dear blonde angel] Hai I am! I am! And proud of it!
Duo: [narrows eyes] Why do I get a feeling she loves Quatre too, Heero?
Heero: Hn.
[Swythangel opens envelope][eyes widen][looks horrified] Aaagh! No no no!
Youji: [rushes over to Swyth-chan's side] Daijobu? What is it?
[Dejected Swythangel hands over the envelope to Youji who reads it.]
Youji: Oh no! [whacks self and shakes head]
Ken, Omi and Aya: What? What?
[Aya and Omi snatches the envelope from Youji and reads][both let out a sigh of defeat]
Omi: That tears it. We might as well declare defeat.
Aya: [nods]
Ken: [offended tone] Even you, Aya? What is this task? Is it death-defying or something?
Duo: [impatient shout] Yeah! Why don't you guys just tell us! You can't leave us in the dark you know!
[The Gundam boys nodded at Duo's statement. All the Gundam boys were curious and impatient, expecting a task of epic proportions.]
Swyth-chan: You tell them, Yotan. [sighs] I can't.
Youji: The task concerns somersaults and…grace. The one who performs the better routine wins.
[Youji, Aya and Omi shake their heads.]
[The Gundam boys sweatdrop as one.] That was all? Then why were they suddenly giving up on their own?
[Quatre couldn't help his curiosity. He knew Trowa stood a great chance of winning. His koi was, after all, the most graceful acrobat he had ever seen. Even in bed…er, perhaps he shouldn't dwell on that. Still, it was curious, the reaction…He asked the other Weiß boys.]
Quatre: A thousand pardons but why are you giving up now? You don't even know the extent of Trowa's talent and yet you give up on Hidaka-san.
Youji: [looks at Quatre with laughter in his eyes] You don't know Ken.
Omi: Yeah! [looks warily at Swyth-chan] You don't know how, er, grace-challenged he is…
Aya: [being a man who refused to tiptoe around the topic, snorted] He's clumsy! He's like a bull in a china shop!
Swythangel: [whacks Aya] Hidoii Aya-kun! Saying that of your koi!
Ken: [looks hurt] Is that what you think, Aya?
Aya: [tries to salvage his relationship] But I love you for it…[hopeful look]
Ken: [glares] Nice try but no cigar! Couch! Two weeks!
Aya: [groans][he hated sleeping on the couch. And worst of all, no..er, best try not to think of it.]
Swythangel: [evil grin at Aya] Serves you right, evil man! And now on with the contest…Trowa, please go first.
[Trowa nods and amidst cheers from Quatre and Duo, he went to the farthest end of the stage and proceeded to do a full-length gymnastic floor exercise worthy of the Olympics, leaving everyone gaping with awe.]
Ken:[who was still hurting from what Aya said could do nothing but watch] Holy Shit! This Trowa Barton has more moves on the floor than Youji had with girls…I'm done for.
[Everyone claps as Trowa finishes. And fangirls scream]
Quatre: [runs to hug Trowa] You were magnificent!
Swythangel: [stars in her eyes]Awwww…..Er, your turn, Ken-kun…[look of dread on her face]
[Let's not let the audience see what happens…Swythangel covers stage with curtains]
Duo: Hey, unfair! We should see what happens with Ken-o!
Swythangel: [peeks into curtain and winces] Believe me, its not pretty. Let's just let the judges decide.
Duo: No! Who are you to block us…
Swythangel: [sighs]You haven't learned your lesson yet have you? [takes deep breath] I am the end all and be all of your universe. In this fic, I rule! Because I'm the writer and what I say goes! Now shut up.
[Snaps fingers and a bucket of water pours onto Duo's head.]
[Curtains slowly open to reveal a heavily-breathing Ken]
Swythangel: [sweatdrops and hesitates] Er, judges?
[Vidscreen lights up and reveals a highlighted Trowa]
Swythangel: [eyes bug out] Noo! I demand a recount!
Duo:[smirks] Tough luck! To quote someone you should be very familiar with…Who do you think you are? The Bush-Gore party? This is not the elections, so quit it! [manic laughter]
TBC ^_~