The Weekly Digimon Report
Keeping you up to speed.
We
interrupt this…fascinating (as if) episode of Spiderman Unlimited to bring you
this special report.
"Good day. I'm Lia Agianna, and this is the Weekly Digimon Report. Hopefully, if I don't get lazy like I did with my Episode MST and Love Has No Boundaries series (sorry, I've been busy! I'll get to it!) this will air every weekend in which new episodes are featured. We, the Digidestined, have, temporarily borrowed the TV studio to bring this to you live. (A chair falls over and a light bulb breaks. Joe can be heard shouting.) Now, let us begin with an episode rewind. Our resident genius-in-training, Ken Ichijouji, will give us a quick briefing of what happened these past three episodes. Ken?" Lia turns in her cushy revolving chair and faces Ken, who's sitting behind another desk.
"Thanks, Lia. Basically, Archnemon is starting to retaliate against us and talk to herself…and is stalking me worse than Jun Motomiya does to Matt. Davis and I got Stingmon and Exveemon to jogress digivolve to Paildramon and we got hung up over it the entire time, and we all walked into a huge trap. Brief appearances made by Izzy."
"Thank you, Ken. Now, let's go to our roving reporter Nicki Sjolin with an exclusive interview with our very first evil villainess, Archnemon. Nicki, what's up?"
"Hey Lia! I'm here with Archnemon, the first evil villainess ever to appear on Digimon. Archnemon, other than the fact that you're trying to kill us all and it's very apparent and we all hate your guts, anything you'd like to share with the audience at home?"
"Well, yes, actually. Other than the fact that the American Digimon producers found a decent voice actor to play me, they've totally ruined my character! What is with this Arukenimon (sp?) crap?! I'm Archnemon, I always was Archnemon, and I'll always be Archnemon! It's in my contract! And another thing, why am I always seen talking to myself? It makes me look like Piedmon! At least I don't do as many cheap clichés and trite expressions. Plus…I have a cell phone and they don't. Pity, I was hoping my good friend and partner Mummymon would show up this weekend, but we'll just have to wait, won't we?"
"Um, yeah, sure. Well, um, this is Nicki Sjolin, live with Archnemon. Back to you in the studio."
"Willis! Make a note to never interview the villains again!" Lia yelled to Willis backstage, who was busy keeping the digimon under control. "Okay, we're back. Now that we've heard from Archnemon, we have an important sports update to bring you. When we last reported, the Digi-Bowl was tied. Taichi Kamiya is here to give us the final results on that horrendous Luchadores plugged mockery of fine anime. Tai?"
"SEASON ONE! SEASON ONE! Oh, it's a good day to be an original Digidestined. That's all I have to say other than Omnimon? I thought it was Omegamon?! And why do we keep putting in movie plugs if some of our audience never saw the movie?" Tai hollered, waving a little banner.
"Thanks, Tai. There you have it, Season One is better than Season Two. Now, for our final report of the day, we head to my, um, Willis, what did we categorize him as?"
"I don't know! Um, analyst. Just say he's an analyst!" Willis cried from backstage.
"Right. Our episode analyst, the one and only Yamato Ishida, for any loose ends that need to be cleared up. Matt?"
"Hey Lia. Look, this new evil villain squad is a cool thing and all, but why is it that we older kids get left out of all the action? And even when one of us is around, it's always Izzy and he's always being big brother! Why is it that Joe, Sora and I have to wait five, ten episodes before we get to show up again? What, just because our digimon can't be ultimate level we can't do anything any more? And didn't Gatomon digivolve to Angewomon in "His Master's Voice?" Looks like a big huge plot hole to me. And what is with all this digimon name messing? Veemon is supposed to devolve to Chibimon, and then Chikomon! And it's jogress digivolving, not DNA! They are soooo ruining our show! Nimoy and Buchholz are responsible for it all! Sure, some of you may think they have nothing to do with the way we're presented, that it's the Japanese script writers that mess with us, but if you've seen some of the raw Japanese versions and compared them to their English counterparts, then you'd realize that everything we say in America and probably elsewhere is tampered with and watered down for young audiences! They're manipulating us worse than any evil villain could and I'm sick and tired of being humiliated!" Matt slammed his fist down on his own desk. "And another thing, I'M NOT A LOBO FUERTE WANNABE, SO STOP WITH THE COMMENTS!"
"Matt, take a chill pill! You've got to calm…wait, this is a ranting portion! I need to vent!" Mimi cried, shoving Matt over and sitting in front of the camera. "What was with that hat? I looked totally ridiculous! There is no fashion sense anywhere in this show! Izzy doesn't know color coordination, Sora wears white after Labor Day, and you've totally ruined fashion for the younger kids! I'm supposed to set the example! At least Matt and Joe have some decency to their wardrobes! AUGH!"
"Well, that was the, um, episode analysis. Before we close for the afternoon, get lunch and go pester a certain evil spider lady, let me just make this one last statement. I had a little of Los Luchadores on, and let me tell you, it is the worst piece of trash I have ever seen. It makes me sick to think that we were sponsored by a forty-year-old man in spandex with a terrible accent. Next week, Izzy, Joe and the rest of the neglected cast will get to put a spin on things…unless I have to go out, or I forget, or I have a date with a certain screaming blonde, or I get sucked into an alternate dimension where plot holes run rampant. This has been Lia Agianna with your Weekly Digimon Report. Thank you, and good day."
At this point Nimoy and Buchholz come running out, brandishing the Evil Dubber Scripts of Doom. The Digidestined, digimon, and various assorted villains screamed and took off.
"You'll never get away with this!"
"You meddling kids and your digimon will pay!"
"We won't let you have free speech or songs that play for more than twenty seconds and we will ruin all chances for romance and violence and interesting names!"
"And don't think just because you have an author and an author's friend formerly of Team Rocket but now a permanent Digidestined with a sugar high cat-like digimon that you can get away with this!"
"OH SHUT UP!" the cast cried.
~*~
Tune in next week to see if Nimoy and Buchholz shut down the Weekly Digimon Report on…………….The Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna! NOW REVIEW OR YOU'LL BE SENT LOBO FUERTE! GO! NOW!
This has been a
special announcement. We now return you to Spiderman Unlimited, already in
progress.