That's it! I'm officially sick and tired of it. Of him. And all his stupid- stupidity. And I don't care if I sound like a total idiot; it's the truth. He's the one being an idiot anyway. He's the one that's got a problem. Not me. Because if I had a problem, I would be able to tell what was wrong with myself. If I had a problem, I would know why I feel like a silly little girl every time I'm around him. Why, whenever he accidentally brushes his arm against mine, I feel like my skin's lit on fire. Why, some nights I lay awake and try to imagine him in my mind. If I had a problem, I would know why this happens. But the thing is, I do know why this happens. So I guess that means I do have a problem. And it's not him. And I'm the one being an idiot. Not him. And in fact, I know what that problem is. I've heard about it plenty of times, even witnessed it in others my fair share, but I never thought I'd develop it. I never though I would fall in love.
And it's really bugging me now that I have.
"Shut up and leave me alone!" I snapped. He hadn't even said anything. I was just in a bad mood. I tended to be that way a lot lately.
"But I- oh, whatever," he sighed. Good of him not to press me any further. I almost felt satisfied as he walked away. Almost. The feeling of guilt was already tugging at the underside of my stomach. That feeling that seems to never want to leave me alone.
"What's with you?" Katara asked. Great, like I needed to hear from her right now. No offense to her, but she's not the first person I want to talk to about my- problem. In fact, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I want it to rot away my insides until I can't take it anymore. And then maybe I'll explode. I'll just be walking along one day, feeling really bad about being in love, and then… KABOOM! Toph chunks flying everywhere. I guess that would be pretty funny for the people watching. And gross. Which I'm also not in the mood for right now.
"Nothing," I lied to her. Unfortunately, I'm not the only one who can detect when what someone says is false. Darn.
"Why are you being so rude to Sokka?" she continues to poke me with a metaphorical stick. A really sharp one.
"Because," I tell her. Maybe if I stuck to unintelligent, one-word answers like that, she'd get annoyed and leave me alone.
"That's not a good enough answer," no such luck. Why can't she just accept the fact that I don't want to talk about it?
"It's none of your business," I told her. Probably more rudely than she deserved, after all, she was only trying to help me get rid of the hard feelings that will eventually make me explode.
"He's my brother- it's my business," she made an impressive comeback. Curse you Katara, and your ability to make me feel even worse.
"It's got nothing to do with him," I lied again. Even I could practically see the ridiculously obvious look of disbelief she now wore. Yeah, that was pretty dumb of me.
"Oh really?" she asked.
"Shut up," I told her. I turned away from where I'd been assuming she was standing. And pouted. I actually enjoy pouting. It helps to keep my frustration in. Like a cork for my face.
"Will you please tell me what's going on?" she asked. I think she already knew the answer to that.
"No," I told her.
"I just want to help you, Toph," she said, resting her hand softly on my hunched shoulder. As emotionally turbulent as I felt at the moment, I didn't shrug her away. Great, she was making progress. How splendid.
"You can't help me," I told her, "No one can help me with this." Which was the truth, but oddly, the harder I thought about it, the more I felt like her help would actually, well, help.
"I can try," she said, sounding calmer now. Like some sort of therapist or something. Sadly, the exact thing I needed. "Just tell me what's going on," she continued. Now the metaphorical stick she was poking me with was replaced with a metaphorical finger. Still in my business and trying to get me to crack, but, less demanding, and a lot less sharp.
"Fine," I sighed. It would be best to get it over with before I change my mind about letting her in my emotional hurricane. Who knows, maybe she'll explode too, and then the others can spend time collecting assorted body parts from trees and stuff.
"I have a problem, Katara," I told her, simply. Just like that. Hey, there's step one, admitting it. I'm on the way to recovery. Than how come I still feel like screaming?
"What kind of problem?" she asked. I wish I could tell her it was a wound or something she could heal easily from the outside, without prying into the deepest most desperate and dark corners of my mind.
"A mental one," I continued to beat around the bush. Honestly, these things don't come out as easily as one might hope. And I wasn't even talking Sokka. That would surely result in my ultimate combustion.
"Well I could have told you that," she joked. So not in the mood. I groaned to let her know this.
"Is it something you want to get off of your chest?" she asked. Why was she so good at this. Why?!
"Maybe," I murmured. Yeah I know it sounds like I'm being a wimp about this. Rub it in why don't you? My goodness. Fine, fine. I'll be honest.
"Yes," I told her.
"Does it have to do with the way you're acting around Sokka?" she asked. Stupid shrinking Katara- do you have to be so good at figuring these things out?
"How come you can tell when it involves me- but you're totally oblivious to the way Aang acts around you?" I ask her. Partly because I'm interested- mostly to change the topic briefly.
"That's completely different! And anyway, I- he-," she started stammering. Ha, I've given her a taste of her own medicine. "You're just trying to change the subject," she said flatly. But I could still tell she was embarrassed about my last comment.
"And, yes. It does have to do with- well, what you said," I told her.
"Is it because you like him?" she asked.
What if I told her 'no'? That I hate his stupid guts. Because at this point, I pretty much do. And that's screwing me up even more. I hate him, yet at the same time, the urge to just forget words and kiss him is overwhelming. Maybe I do have an actual mental disorder. Maybe I have split personalities. But even so, both of me seem to be head over heels for Sokka.
"Of course I like him," I told her. She can tell that's not what she meant. I can tell that's not what she meant. And I meant it that way. Wait, what?
"I mean, like-like him," she clarified. Yeah yeah, Sugar Queen, I know what you're talking about. I just don't want to admit it.
"Yeah," I sighed. What part of 'I just don't want to' don't I understand? Stupid split personalities. Stupid internal conflict. Stupid Sokka for causing all this.
"Well, then just tell him!" she exclaimed.
"Tell him what? I can't even put it into words in my head! Let alone actually say anything to him!" I screamed. Somehow, the wall of emotional cloggage evaporated, and now everything's coming out all at once. I can't stop it, and I don't like it very much.
"You just have to tell him how he makes you feel," she said. Like it's that easy.
"How can I tell him how he makes me feel? The way his voice makes my heart skip a beat. How am I supposed to put it in words- without making it sound like I'm madly in love with him?" I asked her, pouring pretty much my entire soul into those words. It cleared the hurricane in my head. At least now the risk of explosion has decreased.
"Toph, it sounds like you are madly in love with him," she told me. I was so afraid to hear that. I had almost been hoping that this wasn't love. I make it sound like some sort of disease. 'Oh my, Toph! You've caught, love!'
"But I'm not!" I exclaimed. I'll admit it, I'm in denial, "I can't be!" Major denial.
"Why not? There's nothing wrong with loving someone," she told me. She would know, wouldn't she? What with her perfectly mutual relationship and future little airbending babies and all. All I've got is, apparently, my other self, a guy who's already with someone else who may or may not be alive and he may or may not feel any affection towards me, and a whole lot of confusion. Not quite on the same plane.
"Yes there is! There's everything wrong!" I holler, "I just can't be in love with Sokka!"
And then of course, this all had to turn into a nightmare. Because right then, about when I was screaming 'there's everything wrong!' he stepped right on over, into a perfect spot to witness me screaming my denial of love for him. I mean, how unlucky could you get?! Not much, trust me.
"Um…" he stammered.
"Sokka!" Katara exclaimed. What reason did she have to be flustered?
I was too mortified to do anything. Well, I was tempted to earthbend a hole in the ground to suck me up- but I'd eventually have to come up for air. Or maybe not. Maybe I could just curl up and die down there. That would be a relief. Anything would be a relief at this point though, rather than standing here, after just screaming exactly what I never wanted him to hear.
"I'm going for a walk," I announced loudly. Because I didn't know anything better to do. I guess I'm too much of a wimp to bury myself alive.
I pivoted on my heel and walked away. Quickly. I could still sense the other two behind me, now curiously watching me flee. I wanted to keep moving until my feet took me far enough that I'd never have to face that problem again. Or until I hit a body of water that I was incapable of crossing. Either way. I eventually felt too- something- to keep going. I have no idea what that feeling was, but, it caused me to stop in my tracks, sigh heavily, and flop down onto the ground.
I love the ground. It's earth, after all, so I feel right at home around it. But also, because it's always there; sturdy and solid. It catches me, holds me, comforts me. Especially in times like this, when I'm feeling rotten and confused and vulnerable. I need something strong to lean on. That's why I spread out eagle on the ground, allowing myself to become one with the gravely dirt beneath me. Letting it suck up all my problems and worries. Completely surrendering my troubled soul to the earth. Or at least until I felt a pair of all-too-familiar footsteps approaching me.
"Leave me alone," I told him. I couldn't face him right now. Not since I realized I love him. And especially since what just happened.
"I need to talk to you," Sokka said, now standing right beside me. Even though I'm mad at him, I can't find the nerve to move away. And I don't get up. I don't even turn my head in his direction to make him feel like I'm looking at him.
"Please," he added. It was unnecessary. Somehow, I felt compelled to listen to what he had to say. Which I'd probably regret, as it would probably end in me yelling, or exploding, or even worse- crying.
"Then talk," I said. I tried as hard as I could to not let any of the many emotions I was feeling seep out into my words. He couldn't know how weak I felt right now. How easily I was able to bent to his will. All because I had to go and fall in love.
"I was talking to Katara," he started, now deciding to sit down next to me. I wish he wouldn't . It made me feel even more uncomfortable. And that's the last thing I need.
"And, she told me what you guys were talking about," he continued. Joy. You know on second thought, Katara would make a horrible therapist- aren't they supposed to keep your problems confidential?
"That girl can't keep a secret," I said. He chuckled. Shut up! Stop feeling happy around me!
"I'm actually glad she didn't," he said. And then I was surprised. I guess I didn't really know what to be expecting from Sokka's reaction. But it certainly wasn't this…
"Oh really?" I asked. Oh no- I expressed too much emotion. Not good, not good. Is it too late to make a spontaneous pit of quicksand?
"Toph, is what you said true?" he asked. Wow he was really getting to the point quickly. I'll give him this- he's a lot better at talking about personal stuff like this than I am. I should probably learn from him- or else all my emotional issues for the rest of my life will put me at risk of explosion.
"I didn't really tell her anything," I said. It was the truth. I'd never come right out and said 'I love Sokka.' Which had been a pretty smart move. But now I was back to denial, which wasn't feeling so great.
"I mean, what you implied," he clarified, "You know, that- you might, love me?"
Maybe he wasn't so good at keeping his cool. I could feel his heart rate speed up. That could be taken as a good sign, you know, if I was in an optimistic mood. Which at the moment, wasn't really the case.
"Might," I repeated quietly. To myself. I wasn't sure if I was emphasizing that word, or trying to eliminate it. I caught myself leaning toward the latter.
"Well, is it?" he asked. The pressure! I'm not sure of the right words. 'YES!' seems like a possibility, but then again, so does just getting up and trying to run away again. In the back of my mind, I noticed that his heart rate was matching mine again.
"I- might," I told him. So I didn't completely lie. I didn't really tell the truth either, but, it's better than nothing. Although the feeling I was getting from him seemed to make me wish I would have said nothing.
"Oh," he said. One simple syllable. But it's more than that. There's a definite type of disappointment in his voice. And something in the center of my frazzled mind is telling me that it's not against the affirmative possibility. Uh oh.
"Yeah, well, I'm gonna-," I told him. I didn't have an excuse to what I was going to do. All I wanted to do was find out exactly what he was thinking now. His 'oh' had caught my attention, and wasn't letting go. I guess he figured I wasn't serious about leaving when I didn't even sit up.
"Did Katara tell you exactly what I said?" I asked him, once again trying to dodge the subject at hand. Even though this didn't seem to be the best question to ask for that purpose.
"Pretty much," he replied. Darn.
"I feel crazy," I told him. There really wasn't a better way to put it.
"I know what you mean," he sighed. What, now?
"I doubt it," I told him. I honestly don't think there was a way anyone but me and my other self could feel everything I do.
"No I'm pretty sure I do," he said. Couldn't he just shut up and let me feel bad for myself for a second? Goodness!
"You feel like, you don't know what to think or say or do," he continued, "Like, your head and your heart are fighting one another, and neither one of them makes any sense."
"I feel like I'm gonna explode," I admitted.
"Exactly," he said.
I wasn't quite sure what to think. He'd just put into words exactly what I couldn't. Well, he left out the parts about me being completely gaga for him, but, that's fine by me.
"Toph, I don't even understand the way you make me feel," he told me. Somehow, without my knowledge, his hand had found its way to mine. I felt my heart speed up, and heat rise to my face.
"You're an awful lot better at putting it into words than I am, though," I told him. It was true. When he wanted to be serious about something, he really spoke beautifully. And he meant it. His heart was in his words. The way I'd confessed to Katara earlier. I kind of wanted to leave it at that- just a simple understanding that each of us confused the other. But I also wanted to keep going, until we finally reached the words I'd already found in my mind. The words that had driven me this far. The words that were going to eventual make me explode otherwise.
"You know what we're both playing at, right?" I asked. He sighed. He knew too. It was hard not to, especially now that we'd both sort of figured it out. But I could also tell that he, like me, just couldn't say it. It almost didn't feel right. Not now, anyway. Maybe sometime in the future, when we were both sane. And we could appreciate it more. So I didn't say it. I didn't release the words that until this point I'd so strongly tried to deny. And neither did he.
But that was just alright. Especially considering what happened next. Because when he finally leaned over top of me, and pressed his lips to mine, I knew what he was thinking. And he knew what I'd been hiding. And my split personality sealed back into one. And all the crazy thoughts buzzing around my head seemed to file back into place. And I still felt like I was going to explode, only now it was for a different reason. And I didn't mind it one bit.