Gotta Catch Em All
Vimes peered out of the window into the street beyond, children were playing, well that's what children do, the problem was what they were playing with. At first he had been thankful that the Disappearing Diana dolls had gone out of fashion, they had caused a lot of trouble and turned up in some rather odd places. Now Vimes wasn't so sure about these new toys, how exactly did you play with them? They looked a lot like pieces of card, Vimes had learnt anything that keeps kids amused for more than 10minutes was potentially very dangerous, kids weren't usually interested in it unless it kicked, bit or metamorphosed into a 4 headed elephant monster. He made a mental note to keep an eye on this new trend.
****
"I got a Painfulsore," the Lecturer in Recent Runes cried excitedly examining the piece of card.
"Swap you for a Sniffey," someone cried.
"That must be worth 2 Paracetamolmite," someone else yelled.
"In fact," the Lecturer said pompously," I will keep my Paracetamolmite, I'm not swapping it for any of your inferior Coldimon."
***
"Come and get your Coldimon, at this price I'm cutting.."
A broad smile spread across Angua's face, it wasn't really surprising that when Commander Vimes had asked her to investigate a new 'plague' spreading across the city, she'd end up here. She had to say that in comparison to the mutant sausages of 89 this plague didn't seem so big, especially after the sausages had led a protest against human rights.
"Come on Miss, found a rare Snifflytuff in onna these this morning"
Angua gazed at the pieces of card, she knew looks were deceptive but these seemed to be harmless bits of card.
"What do they do exactly?" She asked.
"DO?" Dibbler looked slightly bemused, "well they don't do anything, they're Coldimon, you gotta catch em all see?"
"And then what?"
"Well, um you are a Coldimon champion and you, um get your Coldimon to fight each other," Dibbler was very proud of his last addition.
"Fight? What they get scissors out and shred each other, or some have staplers?"
"Well, um you imagine them fighting."
Angua had been taught how dangerous imagination was, it causes too many legs in the trousers of time and they get in a knot and things start to slip from one to another/
***
The Bursar walked into the library- this was a very large mistake, in terms of mistakes this would be en par with making a troll Patrician. The Bursar was slightly overwhelmed by his freedom, the rest of the university had been blinded by the bright light of Coldimon, the Bursar was just blinded by the octarine glow, he stretched out a hand...
***
"Archancellor, I'll give you a Pik-ah-ah-ah-choo and a Cattahratta for your Bigissue," the Lecturer in Applied Astrology looked hopeful.
"In 2 words, no and um, no," the Archancellor looked down at the Bigissue, it looked back and winked
***
Nobody knew which book the Archancellor had picked up but it had caused cliched and predictable results, now come on, I don't need to tell you what happened!
***
Vimes sat at his desk, Anguas's Lipbalmander card infront of him, he was confused, no motive, no crime, but he could tell there was something criminal about these cards, the kids wouldn't like them if there wasn't. As he looked out the window his suspicions were confirmed, a Cougharino and Cougharin were skipping happily hand in hand down the street. Vimes knew exactly where to go.
***
"Well," Ridicully said," We don't actually know what happened, but.."
Vimes knew he didn't need to hear anymore.
***
All the guild leaders and city officials sat around a large table, waiting, as officials always do, for a miracle. Miss 'Va Va' Voom, president of the strippers' guild seemed to have incorporated a rather impressionable Snifflytuff into her act and it was now sitting chewing her feather boa.
"So does anyone know how to kill um, mutant toys?" Vimes asked, of course a sensible answer was the last thing he expected.
After several ridiculous answers Miss Voom commented, " If you hide them for a long time they get forgotten," she then returned to fondling the Snifflytuff.
Vimes began to think, she had a point, hiding the Coldimon, but the rest of the city seemed to like the vermin. Queen Molly had been getting good money for her dancing Fluodude. These big kids needed a new toy, but what?
***
"Yes Nobby?" Vimes stared across the room, Nobby was looking rather concerned.
"Been to the alchemists' guild, sir,"
"Oh, have they turned any lead into gold yet?"
"Well, thats just it sir, they were just about to when this Fluodude went for a swim in the molten substance."
"Oh yes convenient," Vimes said with his natural scepticism of alchemy, lead enjoyed being lead, it got made into pencils- it was happy, bad things happen when you meddle with nature.
"Mr Silverfish is very cross sir, he says he's going to discover the Elixir of Death and feed it to Coldimon"
"Well pass him my regards, but I think that has already been discovered, I believe you can buy it from Mr Dibbler." Vimes realised this meant the alchemists also regarding the Coldimon as pests. Maybe they could help him with his plan to make a new toy.
***
A scraggy, pink-eyed man led Vimes across the empty courtyard, the alchemist's face bore an excited, unnatural expression.
"I'd like to present Dynamite Dick."
Vimes wasn't aware alchemists had a sense of humour, a quick look at their faces told him they didn't.
"Named after my cousin," said the alchemist proudly.
At this point Vimes decided it was best to move on quickly, without turning back.
"So what does Mr Dynamite do?"
"Well," the alchemist said proudly," he explodes"
He lit a fuse on the back of the doll's back and it shot into the air and rained down into several pieces. Looking very pleased with himself the alchemist added," that was Dinner Dynamite Dick, there is Dancing Dynamite Dick and special Diana and Dynamite Dick."
***
Several hours later the city was strewn with heads, bodies and other Dynamite Dick parts.
***
"So this Bogrollimon can play music?" Vimes inquired.
"Oh yes," the scrawny young musician replied, "want to hear it?"
"No, basically I want it to charm the other Coldimon into a pit, then I never want to see it again."
The boy handed the Bogrollimon a flute; it began to skip down the street.
***
Within 30 minutes all the Coldimon were in a large pit writhing at the bottom. Vimes walked towards the pit, most people were walking in the other direction.
"We have to fill this in?" Angua moaned.
"Yes but not until that damn flautist Bogrollimon gets in," Vimes muttered, strangely the Bogrollimon was no longer there.
***
Vimes opened the door, it was 2am, a job well done he thought as he wearily climbed the stairs..
"Bogrollimon" (N.B. Pokemon & Coldimon can only say their own names)
Vimes lifted his boot..
***
"Bogrollimon?"
"DEATH OF COLDIMON" (N.B. Death of Coldimon can only say their names too)
"On bog"