An Aroma of Struggle
AN: A short, angsty one-shot that has absolutely nothing to do with current storylines. Just a random scene to get me in the writing mood.
M Rated for sexual scenes and one occasion of language use.
Thanks for reading. :-) Author's Tune
It took a while, minutes really, to identify the misplaced and yet vaguely familiar smell. Lying on her back with thick blankets tugged up to her neck, Callie cast blurry eyes around the darkened room. It was still hours from dawn and there was nothing obvious that could have woken her from her usually comatose type sleeping state. Yet, she had spontaneously woken and now was contemplating the oddly detectable aroma that was insulting her nostrils.
The sheets under her chin smelt only of their newly discovered fabric softener. Creatures of habit, they had both reluctantly purchased lavender when their usual lemon scent was unavailable. They were pleasantly surprised.
Tipping her nose to her own shoulder, she sniffed over her smooth skin. Remnants of cocoa butter moisturiser still lingered from when she had applied it before bed. Turning her head to the side, she inhaled Arizona's hair, spread over her own pillow. More often than not, Arizona started off the night on her side of the bed, laying on her side and facing Callie. She would always curl her fingers over Callie somewhere, whether it be the inside of her elbow, the curve of her hip or with a bundle of Callie's nightwear gathered in a loose fist. Yet, when morning woke them, Arizona tended to be pressed into Callie's side and sharing her pillow.
Callie loved the smell of Arizona's shampoo and in that moment, it was no different. She breathed in the relaxing scent twice, allowing it to overwhelm the staleness that was insulting her senses.
Staleness. That was it, a slight stale and smoldering smell. Callie exhaled in realisation, disappointed and concern flooding her. It was Arizona's fingers, unmoving over Callie's sternum that sourced the conundrum.
Cigarettes.
"Good morning," Arizona whispered into Callie's ear, a palm roaming over her wife's sleeping form. She traced down her side and over her hip, sliding slowly down her thigh until she found skin below the hem of Callie's camisole. "It's time to wake up sleepy," she teased, childlike.
The only response she received from Callie was unintelligible, a mixture of a throaty grunt and mutterings of protest. Arizona smiled, lightly kissing Callie's neck as she extended her thumb to stroke at the inside of Callie's thigh.
Arizona squirmed; the bed covers shifted slightly and grated against their skin. The movement pushed her flush against Callie's side and she snaked her fingertips further, her light touch tickling the sensitive skin on the inside of Callie's knee. Nuzzling at the tangles of brown hair over Callie's shoulder, Arizona negotiated a path until she could kiss and tenderly suck where the gentle swell of breast started.
Callie smiled, eyes still closed. She relaxed her body and used her heals to edge her legs further apart. An unambiguous encouragement. "Good morning," she iterated finally, eyes flicking open briefly. "And what a nice way to be woken."
"Mmm," Arizona murmured, pulling herself up on her elbow. Using her teeth, she slipped the thin strap over Callie's shoulder down to her bicep, allowing her access to an immediately exposed breast. She didn't rush her attention though, preferring to run her tongue with an agonising slowness, over every inch of exposed flesh. Her touch between Callie's legs emulated her mouth, caressing and stroking every soft curve. She deliberately danced along each panty line, eliciting soft moans and subtle movements.
In her almost dazed, dreamlike state, Callie submerged herself in the ministrations. Unmoving, bar the odd involuntary roll of her pelvis, she silently lost herself in the unrelenting focus. Any conscious thought might have changed her position, turned the tables to share selflessly the impending release. Minutes passed, heat building. When Arizona's mouth finally captured her tight nipple she felt a swell of fluid pool between her labia.
The distinct arousal didn't go unnoticed to Arizona and she moaned, fingertips pressing at Callie through the damp spots on her underwear. Callie moved for the first time, wrapping her fingers around Arizona's wrist and holding her tightly to her centre. "Arizona," she tried to whisper, but the word faltered with a post sleep roughness.
Pausing momentarily, Arizona waited for Callie to release her grip before hastily slipping her hand inside of Callie's panties. Using her index finger, Arizona slid length of Callie's lips, gathering the thick arousal and extending it to pool over her clitoris.
Callie groaned, loud and suddenly breathlessly, tilting her head back and staring wide eyed yet unfocussed to the ceiling. Her mouth fell open and she panted, toes curling. Arizona kept her pace slow and deliberate, moving the tip of her finger in small circles around the swollen nerve point. "Fuck," Callie muttered, drawing out the word and releasing a knowing short laugh.
More minutes passed and Arizona deliberately kept Callie painstakingly teetering on the edge of climax. Increasing her pace to bring her to the point of orgasm before slowing and lightening her contact, eliciting an endless round of desperate sounds of pleasure. "So cruel…" Callie murmured, gasping when Arizona palpated the pad of her finger into her and gently vibrated her hand. "Yes," she added quickly, trying to politely encourage or plead with Arizona to continue. "Yes."
Her abdominal muscles were clenching and each breath was rushed and short. Arizona wasn't ceasing her movements, adding more pressure when Callie arched her back and thrust her centre into Arizona's palm. She came with a deep moan and a muttering of expletives, snapping her own hand down to cover Arizona's. She pressed tightly, clenching her backside and rolling against Arizona's touch. Callie held her there, slightly longer than necessary, drawing as many after-shudders are humanly possible.
Arizona obliged, only moving slightly when Callie finally released her hold. With one arm folded across her own stomach, Arizona draped herself over Callie's side, her hand, still sticky now motionless at Callie's hip.
Car horns down on the streets below them echoed constantly and the occasional slamming door from various neighbours barely registered in their consciousness. Arizona had always wondered what it would be like to wake up to chirping birds and rustling trees. She had vague memories of being a child and being surrounded by bushland, one of the many homes they had during her childhood. It must have been in her early years though, each place she clearly remembered were filled with constant noises - traffic, buildings and people.
Feeling a rush of association, Arizona's mind tumbled through her childhood suddenly and she fought to push them away, to ground herself in the present. Callie's hand had started its own exploration, fingering Arizona's nipples and slipping directly under the waist band of her boxers.
Arizona was quiet and distracted. The time spent devouring Callie's body had kept her mind busy and focussed, but it was fleeting really, in the bigger scheme.
"Okay?" Callie asked, despite having found Arizona dripping wet minutes earlier she had yet to elicit even the smallest of pleasurable sounds.
Nodding, Arizona shifted her body so she lay on her back. She waited for Callie to roll on to her side before she bent a knee and let her leg fall open against Callie's thighs. With a wide grin, Callie nodded her approval at Arizona's obvious invitation, moving her hand with more fervour than before. She focussed on Arizona's usual likes, long strokes along the length of her and quick flicks against her clitoris. She pressed two fingers together and slid them inside of Arizona's entrance, pushing them smoothly in and out before curling her fingertips expertly to stroke the sensitive spots on her warm internal walls.
Although Arizona gave small sounds of a stirring libido, gentle moans and whispered words of encouragements, her body was failing to react as it normally would. As it always did.
Callie noticed, perhaps too much, yet she continued with a determination of sorts.
On the street, car brakes locked suddenly and the grating of tyre rubber against bitumen infiltrated their bedroom before the inevitable crunching of metal.
Reaching a hand up, Arizona held an open palm to Callie's cheek and moved her lower body slightly, halting Callie's movements. "It's okay," she said softly though Callie's expression registered concern and perhaps a hint of hurt, damaged pride. "Really, it's okay."
The odour of stagnant nicotine crept into her nose.
Callie stared into Arizona's eyes, desperately trying to read her expression. Sometimes the unsaid is impossible to read. "Shhh," Callie responded after a few moments, kicking the duvet and sheet off of them. She maneuvered down Arizona's body, slipping off the end of the bed and reaching to draw Arizona's boxers down her body. She tossed them to the floor.
"Callie…" Arizona said, trailing off. She had the slightest glazing of tears in her eyes, though it went unnoticed as Callie settled at the foot of the bed. She went about arranging Arizona's legs, one over her shoulder and the other resting open.
The feeling of Callie's mouth against her wasn't unpleasant. To the contrary really, her warm tongue pressing inside of her entrance and lapping at her wetness was incredibly sensual and gratifying. Arizona would respond positively, feeling a rush of tingling energy but as quickly as it would tumble through her, it would be replaced by thoughts far related from the unrelenting affectionate love she was receiving from her wife.
And she would suddenly feel herself thinking of work or family, random thoughts of college and medical school. Stepping further away from the desired release with each chaotic involuntary memory or hypothetical scenario.
She wondered briefly, if she should simulate her climax. She would be doing it for Callie, not wanting to hurt her feelings, blame her for something that wasn't her responsibility. Yet she would know; Callie knew her body better than she knew her own these days. Every part of her, every response, every tremor. It would hurt her more to think that Arizona couldn't trust her enough with the truth.
"Arizona," Callie had halted her movements, staring up at Arizona who had been unmoving for minutes.
Arizona shook her head and shrugged, pulling her shoulders off the bed so she could reach for Callie. She tugged her back up the bed and next to her, dragging the thin sheet over their lower bodies. "I'm sorry," she whispered in apology, voice so soft and hesitant.
"What's wrong?" Callie was equally tentative, unsure of whether to gather Arizona in her arms or drill her for information.
Another shrug. "I don't know," Arizona answered, though the words caught in her throat as tears swelled. Each utterance disjointed with pitch changes and syllables where they shouldn't exist.
"Did I do something? Are you upset with me?"
"No." The one word was definite, strong.
Heavy footsteps seemed to cross their ceiling, the men upstairs were up and moving. One worked as a removalist and the other, a plumber. He fixed the shower one day, when water started infiltrating the cheap grouting. He thought Callie might repay him with a date, until he noticed the spare bedroom contained a crib and Arizona was clearly more than a roommate.
"I don't understand," Callie murmured.
A long silence followed before Arizona realised she had spoken. "Did you say something?" The tears were sitting dormant under her lower lids, just waiting for the slightest nudge to tumble down her cheeks.
Callie sighed heavily. "I don't understand, Arizona."
"Yeah." Neither did she really, why her mind was suddenly more focussed on history than the current reality. Why her stress levels were raising her blood pressure and her pulse was constantly racing.
"Then what is it? I know you've been...you haven't been yourself, are you sure I haven't done something?"
The guilt that Arizona already had increased again. She shook her head, no. She couldn't speak though, crying softly.
Callie pushed aside her desperate need to find out what was going on, her need to understand. She wanted to shake Arizona's shoulders, to raise her voice and plead to know why she was smoking. What could possibly be happening that she had resorted to a habit she hadn't indulged for years?
"Don't cry," Callie said softly, moving to hold on to Arizona. It was difficult to envelop her, to pull her into a tight hug. Arizona just lay painfully still, feeling ashamed at her lack of ability to offer an explanation, a reason for her withdrawal and tears. "I don't mean to push," she added gently, apologetically; gliding her knuckles over Arizona's cheeks and collecting the salty wetness. "We all have bad days, crap weeks, you don't need to explain."
Arizona dropped her head to the side, her forehead meeting Callie's cheekbone. She felt a kiss on the end of her nose and she smiled. As involuntarily as she cried, so too did the corners of her mouth twitch and extend at will.
A siren wailed and Arizona blinked consecutively.
Observing quietly for a few minutes, Callie waited patiently. She eventually withdrew her hands from where they lay on top of Arizona's arm and abdomen. She forced one underneath Arizona's shoulders, appreciative when Arizona scooped her blond hair out of the way and lifted her weight slightly before falling back on the arm. It was enough of a grasp for Callie to pull her against her chest, both arms wrapped around her and grip tight. Arizona released a shaky breath.
"Makes me feel better when you're here," Callie said, tightening her muscles to squeeze Arizona momentarily. Here, in my arms.
Nodding, Arizona inhaled and exhaled slowly. "I swear I'm not losing the plot," Arizona insisted and her tone contained just a glimpse of her usual spark.
"Sometimes we get hit from behind, when we least expect it. Bloody buses can come out of nowhere." Still, Callie wondered what the bus was, what it was that had struck Arizona. She had silently been searching her memory, trying to figure out when she had noticed Arizona struggling. There were clues and in isolation they were passed off as nothing of importance, a bad day. Obviously, she had made an incorrect judgement call.
There was the coffee mug, almost two weeks ago that Arizona had tossed in the bin when she couldn't remove an old stain. And, just a week ago, Arizona had snapped Sofia's favourite CD in half when Sofia had spoken back to her mother. Just a few words and an quick, intolerant response. They seldom had arguments of domestic chooes, yet Callie's clothes still lay unwashed in the hamper. Arizona's response when Callie had run out of clean work shirts - I'm tired of cleaning up after you and Sofia.
"Maybe there's too many buses," Arizona slowly articulated. "I'm not getting hit but I'm having trouble dodging them."
Interpreting the complexing metaphor, Callie shook her head slightly. "Too much crap to do, to handle?" she rephrased in clarification.
"I think so," Arizona answered honestly.
"Like what?" Callie asked, her voice non-accusatory. "I mean, maybe there's just too much happening and you're stressed, but maybe if I know what's stressing you out then I can help. Pick up some slack."
Arizona smiled, and Callie felt her body become slightly heavier as she relaxed. "You want a list?" she joked in response, though it was forced.
Nodding eagerly, Callie chuckled lightly, colluding with Arizona's attempt to lighten the conversation. Her chest shuddered as she laughed, though her grip on Arizona remained tight. "Yep, don't think or filter. Just ramble. Start with work, that's always freakin' stressful."
"True," Arizona said softly. "Too many hours, not enough sleep. My elective surgery list is too long, I've been told to get it down."
Callie nodded, she had known that Arizona had been called into the Chief's office and told to pick up her game, she was behind every other specialty and bringing down the hospital statistics. "Yeah, they don't care much about why electives get bumped. Massive traumas and life threatening injuries or illness."
"One of my new interns is having some life crisis and now is pissed that I've mandated her with psychological clearance. I can't have some self harming newbie on my team but she just sits around the hospital all day waiting to yell at me."
"The patients take precedence Arizona, you wouldn't have done it if you didn't have reason. Let her yell, might get her completely fired."
"And then there's research, I'm trying to get that trial going but keep getting blocked. Paeds and trials aren't exactly easy you know, I feel like they think I'm trying to kill children or something."
Callie nodded, listening as Arizona's voice wavered as she continued to disclose the stressors. Many of them Callie was more than aware of and like everything else, if they're not listed all together, they don't seem so significant.
"Then the more I work, to get everything done, the worse I feel about you and Sofia. I feel like I'm never here and when I am, I'm exhausted. I've barely seen either of you and I miss you, you two keep me sane."
"That's our job," Callie whispered, pressing a kiss into Arizona's hair.
"It's not your job to have me be crabby and snap all the time. I know I've been really hard to live with the last few weeks."
Shaking her head in disagreement, Callie insisted, "Not at all, you probably think you're been worse than you have been. Putting more pressure on yourself. As if I'm not a nightmare sometimes? Just think of me without sleep…"
Arizona shrugged, feeling another round of tears forcing their way out of her body. She felt like she had no control over her body, it was responding in whatever way it pleased that morning. If nothing else, she took pride in being someone that could choose her behaviour and responses. Though with Callie, it had been one of the things that convinced her of their relationship, of her love. She didn't want to pretend, she didn't feel like she had to.
Still, when pressure built she went back to the same survival strategies she had used throughout her life. Just get up and get on with it, don't show anyone what's happening; the tide will change.
"I had a call from Mom a few days ago. Dad isn't doing so well, she thinks we should go out soon, she's just waiting for the palliative care team to make some decisions."
Callie exhaled and cursed at herself. The missed call from her mother-in-law that she had completely forgotten about until that moment, suddenly made sense. "Oh Arizona, we'll go whenever you want to. We can go now if you want, I'll make all the arrangements."
"No," Arizona said softly, squeezing her eyes shut. "I don't want to." He had been gradually getting worse, weaker and in more pain. They had visited only a month before, taking Sofia out to hug her ailing grandfather and they had all been surprised at how quickly he was deteriorating. Still, the medical teams had insisted he had months rather than weeks.
A shower of rain meant droplets of water were pelting heavily against their bedroom window. Rhythmic almost. Tapping intrusively but drowning out the sounds of normality, of life below.
"I'll talk to your Mom or your Dad's doctors, find out what's going on."
Arizona nodded. "I don't want to go."
"I know," Callie whispered in response and it wasn't a matter of wanting to go. She had to be there, they both had to, when the time came.
"I bought a packet of cigarettes," Arizona said, rushing her words into a brief sentence that lacked pause. Her body was starting to tremble as she fought to control the rising emotion. She fidgeted in place, reaching to pull the sheet higher over their bodies. She wiped at her eyes with the edge of the material as she released a small sob.
"I know that too," Callie acknowledged. "It's alright."
"No it's not, not at all," Arizona counteracted. "You hate it, you once asked me not to and I haven't, not once since. And my Father is dying of lung cancer, how stupid can I be?"
"Arizona, if a few cigarettes gets you through the next couple of weeks, then I think that's okay."
"They don't help."
Callie turned her hips and shoulders slightly, curling on to her side and tightening her grip on Arizona, who immediately seemed to sink further into her body. Burying her face in Callie's chest, Arizona cried. Her face sweated at the energy expenditure, moisture and tears covering Callie's sternum. "I'll help," Callie insisted, as if maybe Arizona needed a reminder that she wasn't alone.
She earned a hiccuped sob in response. "Tighter," Arizona murmured, voice muffled as her lips moved against Callie's skin. Again, moving her body ever so slightly, Callie sought to wrap herself more completely around Arizona, pulling her semi-naked body against her. She had one arm around Arizona's shoulders and the other was curled around her back with her open palm and fingertips against her side. "Tighter," Arizona whispered again as she trembled in earnest. She lost herself for some time, simply crying, sobbing and breathing in the conforms of safety. Callie's arms around her sustained a vice like grip, unwilling to release Arizona from her clutch until the blonde was ready. She would hold her for as long as it took.
Life demands so much that we have no say over, no control. And sometimes life can wait, just a few moments longer.
It'll still be there, when the tears stop.
Fin.