Disclaimer: I do not own Loveless.
Note: The italics are NOT song lyrics. They are Misaki's thoughts, and they are very important to the story. Please do not just skip over them as if they are only lyrics to a song.
For a Moment
My son.
My own son.
My only son.
How could I ever do this to you?
I curled into myself and rested against the bedroom door.
My hands hurt.
They burn.
From beating my son...
But I can't stop myself.
"Mother, please come out..." Ritsuka pleaded, knocking gently on the wooden door.
"GO AWAY!" I scream.
Please go away.
I'll hurt you.
I'll hit you.
I'll cause you pain.
"Mother..." Ritsuka whispered as he sank to the floor.
"I'm not your mother! You're not MY RITSUKA!" Tears stream down my face.
You are my son.
My Ritsuka.
My world.
I love you.
"Mother... Please open the door." He begs.
I stand up, not of my own accord, and swing the door open. I see him kneeling pitifully on the ground. My hand reaches down and jerks him up by his hair. I slap him across his already bandaged face.
It must hurt.
So very bad.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
He doesn't say a word as I throw him into the wall. I hear his head crack against it. He sits on the floor and looks up at me, pleadingly, "Mother..." he sighs.
Yes, my Ritsuka.
I'm here for you.
I've always been here for you.
I love you so.
"I am not your mother." My voice seeps out poisonously. I walk steadily into the kitchen, hearing a strangled sob escape Ritsuka. I begin to cook dinner. I know the things my Ritsuka likes. Not the old Ritsuka, but the new one I've come to love so dearly. In my moment of clarity I happily cook them, humming a tune I used to sing to lull my son to sleep. I hear him escape into his room, probably to do homework.
I'm so proud of you, Ritsuka.
You're so wonderful and kind.
You always know what makes me happy.
You are my shining star.
I set the table, placing a banquet of his favorite foods upon it. "Ritsuka!" I call happily. I wish it could be like this forever. I'm so happy. I sit down and see Ritsuka, my joy, sit down at the table across from me. I smile at him and he warily returns it. "Go on, eat! I made your favorite things!" I mean it, too. He shakily picks up his fork and gingerly cuts a portion of hamburger. I know he loves it. He didn't used to, but now he does, so I make it often. He takes a bite, "How is it?" I ask. Oh, I know he'll love it. I made it just the way he likes it! "It's wonderful, Mother." he says with a small smile. He really does love it! I'm so very happy. I'm jerked back to reality when my hands, in fists, bang the table.
Oh, god. Not again.
Ritsuka, run!
Please go.
I don't want to hurt you.
"The old Ritsuka HATED that." I say menacingly. I feel myself pick up a glass, it feels full, and I fling it across the room. I'm glad I didn't hit Ritsuka this time. I forcefully stand up. "GIVE ME BACK MY RISTUKA!"
I don't need him anymore.
I'm over that now.
I have my new Ritsuka.
And I love him just as much.
I see Ritsuka cower in his chair. I try to hold myself back, making awkward jerking motions in doing so, but the monster inside of me is stronger. It forces me to storm over to my precious son and knock him out of his chair. He lands on his wrist, which makes a sickening crack. He winces and tears prick the sides of his eyes.
I'm so sorry.
So sorry.
Please forgive me.
Forgive me.
I want to help him, to shower him with love as I tenderly cradle his wrist and wrap it with dressings until we can go get it properly casted. But the monster overpowers me and I walk furiously into my bedroom. I collapse onto the bed, sobbing.
My dear, my world.
I know what I do is wrong.
I want to stop it.
But the monster is stronger.
I flinch as I hear the door open and slam shut. 'Maybe he's finally left.' I think warily, 'That's good. He deserves better.' But then fast footsteps work their way into the dining room. I stand up slowly and walk over to the door, leaning against it and sliding down to the cold floor. I press my ear to it, able to make out bits and pieces of conversation, "Ritsuka... Okay?...Mother...Wasn't..." A deep, soothing voice I don't recognize. "No...Fine...Soubi..." Ritsuka says his name with such tenderness, as if saying it would break it. The deep voice, whom I guess is Soubi chimes in, "Stop...Hospital...Leave." Yes, yes, Soubi! Take my son away from me! Take him from the monster. Save him from me. "No..." My Ritsuka's voice says sadly, voice getting clearer as he seems to be walking to my door. I keep listening, "She'll be lonely. I can't leave! She's my Mother!" I hear a sigh, "But she's hurting you! You deserve better. There's something wrong with her!" Yes, that's true. Something is terribly wrong with me. Something I cannot control. Go with him, I can tell he loves you and you him. He'll protect you from me.
I'm sorry, my dear.
I can no longer take care of you.
I'm not strong enough.
Escape from this wretched monster.
"There is nothing wrong with her!" Ritsuka yells, "Get out!"
"Yes, Ritsuka."
The door opens and shuts. He is gone. Why, why did you make him leave?! He is right! You have to go.
Your sweet tender voice calls out to me, "Mother", you say, "Please come out of there. I want to make sure you haven't harmed yourself." I haven't. But I have harmed you. Something I will forever regret. "Go away." I say. I meant to say it this time. The monster is strong tonight, it will harm you, my dear Ritsuka. "No, Mother. I can't." You say tiredly. You should get some sleep, you must be exhausted, I must have exhausted you. I hear keys jingle. A small crunch as one enters the lock to my door. No, no, no! You mustn't come in here! Please!
I'm so afraid to hurt you.
I'd rather die than hurt you again.
Please leave me.
I'll be okay.
You push open the door, I step back so I won't get hit. I probably deserve to, though. You look at me, worry deeply embedded into your eyes. "Are you alright? Have you gotten hurt?" Ritsuka asks so calmly and lovingly. Should I answer? Should I not? If I did, would the monster slip out and take control of my loving words? "Yes, I am. I'm alright." I say. You look at me with wide eyes. You take a step towards me, "Are you sure?" you ask. "Yes." I say, short words only in fear of the monster.
The monster controls me.
It makes me hurt you.
But it makes me watch every second.
I'm so sorry.
I can't think of what to say next. Should I tell you how much I love you, how sorry I am? Should I throw myself around you and sob into your delicate form? I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. A tear rolls down my cheek. "Mother, what's wrong?" you ask so softly.
What's wrong?
Many things.
Too many things.
Everything.
I take a step towards you, you flinch and look down. I raise my arm and you jerk down. I know you think I'll hit you, but I think I've subdued the monster for a while. I raise my other arm and wrap them around you. I pull you close and bury my face into your shoulder. I struggle to find words to say to you before the monster gains control again. "I love you so." I whisper into your pale ear. You lean into my embrace, "Mother, I'm still not your Ritsuka. I haven't found out how to get him back. Not yet." I bury myself deeper into you, "Yes, you are. You are my Ritsuka now. And I love you so." Your frail form shakes with a sob. You throw your arms around me and I'm in heaven. For a moment, the monster isn't there. "I love you, Mother." You say, your words shaky with tears. "I'm so sorry."
This is heaven.
Together with my son.
The monster is gone.
Even if only for a moment.
But then I feel the heat rising. The monster is coming back. I push you away. "Get out!" I yell, "Get out before I hurt you again!" You look at me with grief-stricken eyes. "M-Mother." you mutter. "Please, before it takes over again! Please go!" I beg. You briefly nod with understanding and dart back to your room. I drop to my knees on the floor, burying my face in my palms.
The monster is back.
But deep down I'm happy.
Because you finally know.
That I love you.
And we were together.
Just you and I.
With no cares in the world.
In each other's embrace.
Even if only.
For a moment.