I love Edward Cullen. I love everything about him.
It's the big things, like his generosity, his protective love for his family, his consuming love for me, that made me fall in love with him.
But it's the little things, really, that solidify my love for him.
It's the way he sweetly whispers in my ear that he loves me when he walks me to class.
It's the way he looks, as if he's struck gold, every time I tell him that I love him.
It's the way he ducks his head and plays with my fingers when I compliment him.
It's the way he wraps himself around me when he holds me when we're alone, and sometimes when we're not alone.
It's the way he so determinedly teaches me how to play the piano, with me perched on his lap, because I expressed a little interest; although, honestly, we both know I'll never be any good.
It's the way he can't keep himself from kissing me, once, twice, three times. And maybe a few more times after that… even though we both know how horridly painful it is for him.
I love him in everything that I do. Our kind of love is unstoppable and irreversible. I know this.
And yet, how can our kind of love be meant-to-be? There is nothing, literally nothing, that has worked out in our favor. It seems that everything that could have gone wrong, has.
He is a vampire and I am human. For the complications to stop there would just be too easy…
To top things off, my blood appeals to him in a way that no one's ever has.
Recently, we had to deal with a deranged, stalker vampire hell bent on killing me, just to spite Edward.
And even more recently, Edward's brother, Jasper, attacked me at my birthday party.
It has been five days since The Incident, as I'd been referring to it in my head. I think about it all the time, how I careless I had been, how easily it could have been avoided…
Every spare space in my mind has been overwhelmed, the events of my birthday leaking and seeping and trickling their way through crevices in my mind that I didn't even know existed. Thoughts of Edward, and subsequently happiness and safety and overwhelming love, were stomped on and trampled by The Incident. I didn't know it was even possible to think so damn much about a single event in time.
A paper cut, just a paper cut. It should have been no big deal, even in a house of vampires, "vegetarian" vampires, that is.
I hate and blame myself for it, no one else.
How could I possibly blame Jasper?
I am, after all, a human girl spending my free time surrounded by vampires, in their home, on their terms. I have, on more than one occasion, felt guilty. Guilt for being in their home, in their sanctuary… The one place they should be able to escape the warm bodies and thumping heartbeats.
I never did voice these feeling to Edward. What would be the good in it? He would worry unnecessarily and try to reassure me the best he could.
He was worrying enough as it was. He had worried enough after the Incident, before he drove me back home that night…
We had walked out to my truck after Carlisle had treated my injuries. I remember him holding me tightly against his side, too tightly in fact… As if he was sure, so sure, that this would be the straw to break the camel's back.
"Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella…" I had no idea what he was about to do. Was he preparing to apologize?
"Edward, wait," I had interrupted, readying myself to put him out of his misery. "Please don't, okay? This was no one's fault, and we both know that."
That wasn't true though; I knew even in my haze of confusion and pain and panic exactly who was to be blamed.
He was refusing to meet my eyes at that point, and on some subconscious level, I was already steeling myself to make some serious decisions.
He had opened the passenger side door of my truck and lifted me in, spreading my legs so he could stand between them with his head nestled in the crook of my neck.
He was suffering now, I could see that plain as day. And it was torture for me, to see. I was searching my brain wildly after that to find the exact combination of words that would absolve him of this disgustingly misplaced guilt.
"Edward, look at me. Please." Reluctantly, he had lifted his gaze to meet mine. I hated what I saw in his eyes. "I want nothing more than to forget about this after tonight. I'll go home, you can have some space, my arm will heal, and we'll never have to mention this again."
In hindsight, I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. I was blurting out nonsense, complete nonsense. I wasn't thinking of the long-term, or him, or hell, myself for once.
Despite that though, I remember his eyes lightening considerably. Yes, this idea of forgetting had appealed to him greatly. That didn't mean he was going down without a fight either though.
"How can you say that though, Bella? My brother, of all people… My brother attacked you tonight. You're hurt yet again because of a situation I placed you in."
I had begun to lose it at this point, near hysterics practically.
"Yes, yes, I know! It's your fault that I cut myself. It's your fault that Jasper wanted my blood. It's your fault that I'm human!" I had said. That last part about me still being human had somehow found its way out of my mouth, and it scared me how much I meant it.
I was being immature, so immature, and yet I couldn't control the word vomit. Things had finally caught up to me and now Edward was witnessing me at my ugliest.
At this point, Edward had taken to using only nonverbal forms of comfort. Rubbing small circles on my back, enveloping me in his arms, rocking me… He had never seen this side of me before, the side that was just so angry. Angry at him, at myself, but above all else, our goddamned circumstances.
That night, Edward had dropped me off back home and I had insisted he go for a run to clear his mind. I had no idea what our future would come to. Disgusted with myself and yet thinking reasonably at the same time, I considered our differences. I wanted to become a vampire and Edward refused to even entertain this idea, losing his patience within seconds of me merely mentioning it. I failed to see how this difference wasn't irreconcilable; there was, in fact, no middle ground. There was human and there was vampire, two ends of a very expansive spectrum.
A/N: I'll trade you a review for a guarantee of an update within a week or less!