Amanda tapped her fingers against her chair's cold leather armrest, sipping scotch as she stared into the dark expanse of her bedroom, ready to lose herself in the alcohol, ready to forget her problems. No one would stop her from getting blackout drunk. No one would even know until Nolan wandered in looking for her in the morning and found her too hungover to function. He would show her more patience than she deserved before he went out into her town with a cover story about how she had come down with a 24 hour bug, nothing to worry about. Some people would guess the truth - the people who could spot an alcoholic a mile away, the people who saw her fall to adreno - but they wouldn't say anything.
As vivid as that scenario played in her mind, it would never be anything more than a dark fantasy about stumbling down a path she could never walk again. She would never let another addiction control her like adreno had controlled her. She could never stop fighting even as life punched her in the gut daily. There was no one else to take up the slack, no one else to run the town. It was her, and her alone. She knew that now more than ever.
Less than an hour earlier, Berlin had walked into Amanda's office to tell her that she didn't believe in Amanda's ability to lead, that she was leaving Defiance because she didn't have faith in her.
If Berlin had simply said she was leaving because she was scared, that she was a coward, Amanda would have been mad at Berlin for quitting and sad to lose one of the few friends she had left, but she wouldn't have been sitting alone in the dark questioning every aspect of herself. If her friends, her direct employees, didn't even believe in her, how could she expect the town to follow her into dangerous, unknown territory?
Amanda squeezed her eyes closed, trying to silence her thoughts, but the only sound in the room to distract her was the ticking of Kenya's old cat clock. Focusing on its repetitive sound was enough to make her want to scream. She desperately wished the radio station hadn't been blown up so she could blast music so loud she wouldn't be able to form a single thought of her own. The lyrics from Alak's latest obsessions would become her own thoughts as they had on so many stressful nights when she was first elected.
One benefit of living in the Darby building was that no one cared how loudly she blasted music at night. By now, the only people left in the building would be the half asleep security guards who played Ivali every night on the first floor to stay awake. They wouldn't be bothered by loud music. They probably wouldn't even hear it.
Living in the large, secluded mayor's quarters was supposed to be a luxury benefit of her job. It was supposed to be a place she could work while feeling safe and secure, but some nights it felt suffocating. It left her longing for the days when she lived on the always-bustling second floor of the NeedWant.
With every second she thought about her life, she grew convinced that she couldn't face another minute alone in silence. Her mind was focused entirely on escaping as she carefully set down her glass and walked through the dark, empty halls until she found herself stepping into the frigid night air. The thin cotton of her shirt was no match against the cold, but she didn't even consider going back for her coat. She just walked, adrenaline flowing as her feet propelled her forward. Her mind was blank, free from a single coherent thought until she found herself pounding on Nolan's door with no idea how she arrived there or how long she had been walking.
"Jesus, I thought you were someone coming to murder us," Nolan said as he opened the door with his gun in his hand. His shoulders slouched as he relaxed. "You know, I thought I was going to get to sleep tonight without an emergency." He shook his head in defeat. "I should know better. So what is it? How much firepower do I need?"
"What?" she asked, struggling to keep up with him.
"What happened?"
"With what?"
"With whatever caused you to be pounding on my door with the force of someone twice your size," he said, furrowing his brow in confusion.
"I…" As she tried to come up with the words to say, she realized she didn't have any. She hadn't planned what to say. She hadn't even planned to see him. She was acting on pure instinct.
"Amanda…" he said, his face softening as he realized she wasn't standing at his door because the town was facing a new crisis.
"Yeah?"
"Are you ok?" His eyes ran the length of her body as he stepped forward, placing his hand on her lower back to usher her inside. She leaned into his touch, surprised at how much the simple gesture made her feel better. "It's freezing, and you're not even wearing a coat."
"I'm sorry. I haven't slept. I'm not thinking clearly."
"You don't need to apologize for that," he said as he flashed a smile that he knew would comfort her. It never failed to work. "I hardly remember what sleep feels like."
As soon as she stepped inside, Nolan grabbed a blanket off the back of a beat up old sofa where Irisa was perched with her journal and a pencil in her hands. Amanda smiled awkwardly at Irisa as Nolan threw the blanket over her shoulders, running his hands up and down her arms to warm her.
"What happened?" Irisa asked, leaning forward like she was ready to pounce.
"How long were you out there?" Nolan asked as he took her hands in his, the warmth of his skin nearly burning against hers. "Your hands are as cold as ice."
"I don't know." Amanda looked from Nolan to Irisa, unsure which question to answer first. "I just went for a walk."
"Are you ok?" Nolan asked, loosening his grasp on her hand, but she squeezed his tighter, not wanting to lose the connection, not wanting to go back to feeling alone.
Irisa set her journal down, worry written across her face. Amanda was used to Nolan worrying about her when she started acting strange, but she knew she must have been in bad shape for Irisa to look at her like that.
She smiled again in an attempt to make everything seem normal, but Irisa was clearly unconvinced as she glanced back and forth between Nolan and Amanda. "Right. I was just leaving," Irisa said, grabbing her coat off a chair and walking towards the door.
"At this hour?" Amanda asked.
"Night shift," Irisa said, closing the door without looking back, leaving Amanda and Nolan alone in silence.
"Are you ok?" he asked again, looking into her eyes with such worry she she felt like an idiot for coming to him so late. "Because you don't look like you are."
"Does she really have to work now?" Amanda asked as she looked towards the closed door, ignoring his question for the third time.
"Doesn't matter."
"I don't want to kick her out of her own home."
"She'll be fine. Unlike some people, she remembered to take her coat." His expression was humorous and comforting, yet tentative, like he wasn't quite sure if it was ok to joke with her or not.
Amanda hung her head as she let out a short laugh. "God, what was I thinking?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out."
"I don't…" She shook her head vigorously. "I shouldn't have even come here. It's late."
She moved towards the door, but he pulled her back towards him. "You didn't come here just to leave. What happened?"
"Everything."
Nolan nodded in understanding as he took a deep breath. "What was the last straw?"
"Do you think I can lead this town? Would you put your life in my hands?"
"Of course," he answered without hesitation. "I do almost every day."
"Why?"
"Because I know you'll do the right thing. You're the only person in this whole fucked up world I believe is really trying to do the right thing with every decision."
"What if that's not enough?" Her voice cracked, tears filling her eyes as she admitted her fears of having failed her people. "Maybe this town needs someone who can fight dirty. Maybe people would be better off with someone else."
"Amanda, there is no one else I'd ever want to lead this town." He leaned down slightly making sure she was looking into his eyes. "No one," he added with firm sincerity.
"So that makes you and… maybe Bailey, but I haven't asked her yet, so I don't even know if I have her on my side anymore." Amanda sniffed, letting the tears fall. She reminded herself that Nolan had seen her cry many times, that she didn't need to pretend to be unemotional in front of him. No matter how many times she broke down in front of him, he never saw her as weak. "Two people, Nolan. I have maybe two people on my side and thousands against me."
"There aren't thousands of people against you. I promise you that," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, letting her lean into his chest as he led her to the sofa, "but even if it feels like there are, all that matters is that you keep fighting for them anyway. No one else has a better plan. No one else has any plan. It would be great to have military generals and strategists, but they're gone, and you could have been wildly successful somewhere else too, but you chose to stay and lead this town when everyone else left. That's-."
"Like Berlin," Amanda said, bringing his encouraging speech to a standstill.
"What?"
"Berlin's leaving because she doesn't think I can lead this town."
Nolan took a deep breath, looking to the side as he processed her words. "Berlin's E-Rep. She's not used to a small army like this. There's no one who could lead this town's militia with the force she would need to feel safe. Don't take it personally."
"But what she said was personal. It wasn't because I'm not E-Rep, Nolan. It was because of me. I'm the problem."
"No, you're not." Nolan shook his head, refusing to accept her statement with the resolve of someone who had just been told Earth was flat. "Berlin might not believe in you, but you're the only person I believe in."
"Maybe you should lead," Amanda said, her voice barely above a whisper as she stared at her hands folded in her lap.
Nolan laughed. "I'm not a leader."
"But you have military experience." She met his gaze, needing him to know she was serious. "They know you can fight, and you can kill. That's what they need now."
"That's what they think they need. Following a bloodthirsty leader is how people die pointless, violent deaths. Following someone who believes in peace will save them. You can save them. I'll train the militia, I'll get them ready to fight, and I'll try to help you as much as I can, but you need to be in charge. I can't do that. You have to."
Amanda paused before responding, forcing herself to accept the truth. "I know."
"Good." He planted a kiss on the top of her head, letting his lips linger a moment before pulling away.
"God," Amanda said, leaning back and closing her eyes. "Don't you hate how crying so much gives you a headache?"
"Not everyone cries as much as you do," Nolan joked.
"Shut up," she said, her eyes still closed as a faint smile crossed her lips.
"That's not an insult," he said as he brought his hands to each side of her head, rubbing her temples with his thumbs. "Maybe if I let myself feel everything as deeply as you do, I'd be a better person."
"Hmmm," she sighed contentedly as she relaxed into his touch. "Maybe, but you'd probably have died a long time ago."
"Yeah, possibly, but you've done ok for yourself."
"We all lead different paths… blah blah, something deep and philosophical."
"You make an excellent point," he said, amusement shining through his voice.
"I should go home before I say anything too profound," she said, but she made no effort to move from his unexpectedly comfortable sofa.
"Stay as long as you want. Let yourself relax for a minute. Just listen to the rain."
"It's not raining."
"Listen."
She opened her eyes, suddenly hearing the sound of rain pounding against metal. "Is it always that loud when it rains?"
"Yep."
"When did that start?"
"Just after you got here."
"It's peaceful." A satisfied smile crossed Amanda's face as she listened to the unpredictable sounds the rain made, sounds that soothed her, sounds that didn't make her want to scream.
"It's good to listen to the rain sometimes, to forget the rest of the world."
"That's exactly what I need," she said before letting a comfortable silence fall between them. His thumbs continued to massage her temples as she took his advice and focused her mind on the sound of the rain, letting go of every worry and insecurity.
"You look better," he said as he moved his hands to her shoulders.
"I feel better," Amanda said, her consciousness beginning to drift away. "And I just want to sleep."
"Me too." He nodded, dropping his hands to his sides. "I think I can scrounge up an umbrella and a spare coat to walk you home."
She turned to face him. "Can I stay here?" It was an unusually bold question for Amanda, but she was too exhausted to care.
"Any time you want, but I don't think you really want to sleep on this sofa. I haven't asked Irisa where she got it, but we're not the first owners."
"I just don't want to go back to that big, empty room in that even bigger emptier building," she said as she stood up and reached for his hand. "I just don't want to sleep alone."
With an understanding smile, he picked up his hailer, pressing a few buttons before saying, "Kiddo, everything is fine, and we're going to bed. You can come home."
"So she didn't have to work the night shift," Amanda said, flashing him a playful smile as he took her hand and stood up from the sofa.
"It's rude to eavesdrop."
"It's rude to have your daughter lie for you."
"I didn't tell her to lie." He grinned as he lead them towards his room. "She did it all on her own."
"And you're proud of her for it."
"She can read a situation and respond appropriately. It's a good skill, one she has struggled with."
"Uh huh."
"Come on," he said, tugging on her hand. "I thought you wanted to sleep, not interrogate me."
"Fine, we can save that for tomorrow," Amanda said as she followed him into him to his bedroom.
"Tomorrow, you'll have forgotten all about this."
"I never forget anything," she said with a smirk as he rolled his eyes and turned towards his dresser.
"You can't sleep in that," he said, pulling open a drawer and rifling through his clothes. "These are probably too big for you, but Irisa doesn't really have spare clothes." He tossed a pile of clothes into her arms. "She likes to keep a wardrobe she can pack up at a moment's notice."
"A lifestyle she learned from you, I imagine."
"Of course." He nodded. "But in the time since I taught her that, I have discovered that this town sells scarves in every color, for every season, and I've practically become a pack rat," he said as he pulled his own clothes out of the same drawer. "Change. I'll be right back."
"Look, if this is weird…" she said as she tucked the clothes under one arm, her inhibitions finally realizing what she was doing.
He placed his hand on the back of her head, his fingers winding through her hair as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "It's not weird not to want to be alone, and besides, it's not like we've never slept in the same bed before."
"Those were slightly more fun times." Amanda shook her head, throwing her free arm in the air in exasperation. "God, I don't even remember what it feels like to just… have fun."
"When this is over, we will celebrate, properly celebrate."
"Promise?"
"Oh, absolutely," Nolan said, dragging out the word as he turned to leave. "And we'll get a much bigger bed to sleep in… or to have fun in." As he disappeared into the other room, he added, "Your choice."
With a smile lingering on her lips, Amanda slipped out of her clothes and into Nolan's, feeling calm for the first time in a long time. The clothes smelled like Nolan, clean but familiar in a way that made her feel like she was home, like she belonged in this bedroom with him.
As she folded her own clothes into a neat stack and set them on his dresser, Nolan walked back into the room in the middle of a story she never heard the beginning of. "... it didn't really make any sense to me, but Irisa will fight you to the death over that, so I wouldn't bring it up with her."
"Bring up what?"
"We've been domestic for half an hour and you're already not listening to me," he teased, picking up a pillow and slapping it against the side of her arm.
"Hey, not fair!" she said, grabbing the pillow out of his hands and hugging it against her chest. "I just didn't hear you, honest."
"Fine, I'll let you off the hook this time." Nolan shrugged. "But I'm too tired to repeat the story. It's not that interesting anyway."
"Boring as it may be, I'd really like to avoid getting killed by Irisa."
"You'll survive. I have faith in you," he said with a wink as he pulled up the covers and slid into the far side of the bed against the wall. "Besides, she's not pulling knives on nearly as many people as she used to. She probably wouldn't pull one on you. And if she did, I don't think she'd actually kill you."
"Thanks," she said, nodding her head sarcastically. "Really comforting."
"That's what I'm here for," Nolan said with a satisfied smirk.
Amanda dropped the playful tone. "More than you know," she said with complete sincerity as she snuggled up beside him. It was a far smaller bed than her own. There was hardly any space between them.
"Thank you, really, thank you."
"You don't have to thank me," he said, his face only inches from her own as they looked into each other's eyes. "You're not the only one who needed to stop and listen to the rain."
"Good night, Nolan."
"Sweet dreams," he whispered as he closed his eyes.
Amanda watched as Nolan tucked his hands under his cheek and his breathing quickly became steady. Her heart swelled at the sight of his peaceful expression. In his sleep, he looked happy and free of stress in a way she hadn't seen in a very long time. She wondered if he always looked like that when he slept or if sleeping next to her made him as happy as it made her. She closed her eyes, drifting to sleep with the hope that he felt the same way she did, but only seconds later she was jolted awake by a soft thumping noise from outside.
"Don't worry. It's just Irisa," Nolan mumbled and she realized the thumping was the sound of Irisa's boots on the stairs.
Amanda snuggled into her pillow. "You really can hear everything in here can't you?"
"Regretting leaving those comfy mayor's quarters now, aren't you?" he teased with his eyes still closed.
"No, I kind of like this. Even just hearing the sound of the rain makes me feel so much less alone. You can't hear anything in my room. It's supposed to be peaceful, but sometimes it's too isolating. Makes the harsh reality of how alone I am even more obvious."
His eyes opened, meeting hers. "You're not alone." He brushed his hand along the side of her cheek. "Even if everyone else in this town turns on you, I'll be there. Even when I'm not physically with you, you're not alone. I'm always rooting for you. I'll always believe in you."
"It's fine, really," she said, taking his hand in hers and squeezing it reassuringly. His words meant so much to her, but she hated that he needed to say them. "I'll be ok. I was just missing having a family around me, living in the NeedWant, that's all. So many of the night porters don't have any other family, so they became a family. I know that even when I lived among them, I wasn't really one of them, but I was Kenya's sister so they let me in. I was never alone living there. And Deirdre, she really treated me like family, like a sister."
"And she's dead and Berlin's leaving and you've lost your third little sister."
Amanda nodded, grateful Nolan understood without her needing to say what she couldn't bring herself to say.
"You have us. Me and Irisa, we're your family," Nolan said, wrapping his arms around her as he pulled her closer.
Amanda didn't say anything else. She didn't need to. Nolan understood everything she needed him to. She simply closed her eyes and pressed her body against his, letting sleep overtake her.
"Wake up, kiddo," Nolan said, pulling Irisa's blanket off of her. "We've got breakfast to make."
Irisa grabbed at her blanket, trying to pry it out of his hands with no success. "Whatever I did to make you torture me like this, I'm sorry. Now let me go back to sleep."
"Can't do that. I need your help with breakfast."
"I don't have any money," she said, wrapping her arms around herself and closing her eyes. "And if you and Amanda blew so much money on day drinking that you can't afford breakfast, I don't think it's my help you need."
"Real funny," he said as he tapped his foot against the side of her bed. "I don't need money. I need you to help me cook."
"You know how."
"That's not the point. This is special, and I need your help."
"You're serious?" Irisa asked, opening her eyes and propping herself up on her elbows.
"Yep."
"Why would you make breakfast when they sell already made breakfast across the street?"
"Because this morning, before we go out into the real world, we're going to be a family, and families make breakfast and eat it together."
Irisa paused, narrowing her eyes at Nolan. "Breakfast for three?"
"Yep."
"And you want it to be a surprise for her."
"Yep."
"You know, women are generally more impressed when you do the cooking yourself rather than making your daughter do it."
"I'm not trying to impress her," Nolan said, sitting down beside Irisa. "She needs to feel like she still has a family, and you and I, kiddo, we're the closest thing she has left."
"Us?"
"Yep."
"That's low."
"Which is why we need to be on our best behavior."
Amanda opened her eyes, stretching her arms out as wide as she could in the tiny room. With a yawn, she turned to the empty space beside her, realizing Nolan had already gotten up, leaving her to sleep in. For the first time in a long time, she had woken up without an alarm, feeling well rested and happy.
As she pushed herself out of bed and walked across the room, she ignored the stack of clothes folded on top of Nolan's dresser, choosing to enter his living room in the clothes he had given her to sleep in. She wanted to hold on to her moment of peace as long as she could, and she knew that as soon as she got dressed, she'd have to face the reality of her life.
"Morning," Irisa said as she arranged three plates on the coffee table. "We made breakfast."
"You made breakfast?"
"Yep."
"Don't sound so skeptical," Nolan said as he entered the room with a bottle of juice.
"How did you get out of that bed without me noticing?"
"You were out like a log. It wasn't hard."
"Apple?" Irisa asked, handing a piece of fruit to Amanda.
"Sure, thanks," she said taking the apple as she sat on the sofa by the table.
"We don't really eat up here too much, so there's no dining table," Nolan said as he sat beside her, "but it's more than we had living in the badlands."
"It's quaint," Amanda said.
"Practically a luxury suite," Irisa added as she sat in a chair across from them.
Amanda picked up her fork, examining the meal in front of her. "Before I risk food poisoning, I have to know, can either of you actually cook?" She pushed around what looked like scrambled eggs, watching the steam rise.
"Absolutely," Nolan said, picking up his fork and making a show of taking an enormous bite.
"You have to cook for yourself in the badlands," Irisa added between bites, already shoveling the eggs into her mouth like she was starving. "When you're camping in the middle of nowhere, you can't just walk over to the NeedWant for breakfast. We're spoiled in this town."
"I can't bake a cake," Nolan added, "but I can cook to survive."
"So this is survivalist breakfast?"
"It's good," Irisa said.
Amanda took a bite, unsure of what to expect. "It actually is good!"
"She didn't believe us," Nolan said, looking at Irisa with disappointment on his face as his fork drooped in his hand.
Irisa shook her head disapprovingly. "Next time we'll just have to make her cook us breakfast, and we can be the critics."
"I think that's only fair," Nolan said as they turned to face her in unison.
Amanda's eyes widened as she swallowed her food. "Hey, I never said I could cook."
"We get to be the judges of that," Nolan said with a smug smile.
"No, please, anything else," Amanda pleaded, trying to give Nolan a pitiful look that was broken by the smile she couldn't seem to hide.
"You criticized us in our house. Now I need to see what you're made of."
"I didn't agree to this!" Amanda said through laughter, seriously worried she didn't have the cooking skills to pull off anything even remotely as good as the surprisingly delicious breakfast Nolan and Irisa had put together.
"There's no getting out of this," Nolan said. "It's official. Next time, I'm pushing you out of bed and you're cooking while we sleep in."
Instantly, every objection In Amanda's mind disappeared. "Ok." A grin crossed her face as a contented feeling warmed her body. "Next time."
She would take cooking classes if she had to, and if she failed at that, she would humiliate herself in front of them by serving burnt toast. For once, she didn't care if she failed. All that mattered was that there would be a next time. She would get to feel this happy again.