Constructive criticism is always welcome, both on my writing style and on my characterizations, so please don't be afraid of offending me.
DISCLAIMER: Tsuchimi Rin, Keade Fuyou, Shigure Asa, Shigure Ama, Nerine, Lisianthus, Mayumi Thyme, Kareha, Ma-ou, Shin-ou, Primula, Itsuki, and any other character that wanders into this little monstrosity I call fanfiction, is property of those lovely folks at Navel, and I had no hand in their forming or being.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the precipice of everything you've ever accomplished, the view is amazing. Everything you've ever accomplished or failed. Loved or despised. Dreamed of or feared. Seen. Felt. Imagined. Denied.
Yep, it's all there, with a firm, "I told you so."
They say in the minute before you die (like they know) your life flashes before your eyes. On the top of the world you can see everything. Don't blink you never know what you'll miss. Don't breathe, even the tiniest sounds bear importance.
I was experiencing what they call and "out of body excursion." Or, something to that end. I was well aware of what was going on around me. Too aware, mayhaps. But that is all based on what one believes. Feels. Wishes.
I believed, that nothing mattered. Well, on a relative scale, everything matters, whether you realize it or not. It's never until you slow down that it catches up to you. That's why I swore I'd keep running, keep searching for, well, whatever the hell it was that I needed in my life. I have a theory that it might have been a purpose an aim in life. Everyone said I was looking for love, but I doubt it. I had plenty of that right where I was. Too much, mayhaps.
Was that the problem? Everyone seemed to gravitate towards me, like I showered in pheromones every morning, but I never fully appreciated it.
But back to the precipice, my self-pity can wait, methinks?
I had tried so hard to figure my life out, figure out what I wanted, figure out why I had to make so many choices before I was even out of high school. So I took a bit of a vacation. Nothing much really, fresh air, clear my head. When I started to realize why I felt so empty. Because I was empty. I was allowing my existence to be defined by those around me, not by my own actions or thoughts or feeling or beliefs. I was a shell.
A hollow shell filled by others, making me into what they wanted.
I was instantly faced with a dilemma that would have crippled me was I not approaching it from outside myself, from a position where nothing could possibly hurt me.
My life was worth nothing without those around me. They expected so much of me while expecting so little. Kaede-chan loved me, God only knows why, since we were first learning to walk, and her feelings never wavered. Nerine, Shia-chan, they loved me because I'd helped them once when we were still in elementary school. Because I was nice to them. Kareha-senpai, Mayumi-chan, Asa-senpai. Itsuki always told me I was lucky, and that I was a fool not to realize it.
Well maybe I am a fool for hating the fact that I had so many women around me who wanted nothing better than to settle down and marry me, for no particular reason whatsoever.
I'm not hot, cute, buff, mildly intelligent, well endowed, or altogether very interesting, and they still managed to fall in love with me. Or at least think they did.
How can you fall in love with someone when you're eight years old, and then after not seeing them for the second half of your life, show up at their doorstep and demanding that they marry either you or one of your friends.
How can you love someone who you've been cooking, cleaning, and generally looking after for years and years. A good-for-nothing ungrateful freeloader, no less.
I never understood anymore than I realized. And that's why I don't deserve any of them. They're much too good for me.