She watched Rollins as she maneuvered heavily from her seat. She kept her eyes trained on the pregnant woman as she made her way across the bull pen, disappearing into the break room. It was the third or fourth time she'd gotten up in the past hour, that same pained expression playing on her face each time she stood up. It didn't look good; it made her concerned.
Olivia flipped closed the top file on her backlog of case files, glanced at the clock to find that it was nearly eight. Rollins should have been gone hours ago. Instead she was fixated, as if in a trance, on the current case – a young girl found dead at a daycare center – as if she had her own skin in the game. Olivia knew the look, knew the pained expression that kept flooding her eyes each time they reviewed the facts of the case. It was a feeling that she could easily understand, for when she thought of the little girl, of her family, her friends, her parents…it made her heart want to burst into a thousand pieces. It made her want to rush home and take Noah up into her arms and keep him there for the rest of his life so that he'd never end up in harm's way.
Only the younger woman's obsession was concerning to Olivia, for unlike herself, Amanda was expecting a child of her own. She had never experienced what it was to have a child, though she did have a son. She had the gut instinct, knew exactly what it was Rollins was feeling. Seeing something such as this, a dead toddler, was not helpful at this stage of the game. She was too far along, too unsettled, to see this happen to such a small child.
A text came through on Olivia's phone. She glanced down to find Lucy's name on the screen, asking when she might be home. Olivia tapped out a response, that she would be leaving soon and should expect to be home within the hour.
When she glanced up again she found Rollins back at her seat with a cup of coffee – which she was certain was not good for the third trimester.
Olivia shoved some files which she could finish off at home over a glass of wine into her bag and then stood, shutting off her office light. This small move did little to evoke a response from Rollins who continued to stare at the daycare footage they had been afforded. Olivia practically knew the tape by heart. Nothing on it was helpful. And yet Amanda kept watching it. Again and again.
"Rollins." Olivia stepped from her office, shutting the door behind her.
It took Amanda several minutes to respond. "Huh?" She finally asked, realizing that someone was addressing her.
"Leave it be for the night. It's getting late. You need rest." Olivia moved towards her.
Amanda shoved a hand through her hair, agitated. "I wanna figure this out, Liv."
"You're not going to figure it out if you keep going on like this. You need some rest."
"Just like this family is going to be able to rest? Liv, they have no idea what happened to their baby girl…they have no idea."
Olivia wondered if those were tears in the younger woman's eyes. She moved forward and shut her computer. "Come on. We're leaving."
Amanda rubbed her eyes.
"You can sleep on it, Rollins. Now come on." Olivia grabbed the woman's jacket and tossed it at her. "That is an order. You're not going to stay here all night. I'm not going to be responsible if someone tries to blame me for working you too hard."
"Olivia, I want to solve this case. The parents deserve to know what happened to their little girl." Amanda protested despite the fact she stood and pulled on her jacket.
"We're going to solve this case, but it's not going to happen tonight. We have the DNA at the lab, we have other people working on this. But you…right now, you need to focus on yourself. You got that?"
Amanda mumbled and reached for her bag. Olivia was quite certain that left to her own devices Amanda would not follow her orders and would instead end up circling the daycare all night or banging down the proprietresses' door in the middle of the night and she could just see the legal trouble that might await Amanda. She didn't want to deal with the paperwork, the headache that would ensue. And so she insisted, "come on. You're coming home with me. Noah will be happy to see you."
"Oh, Liv. No, I couldn't…I should…I should go to my own place."
"Yeah? And you expect me to believe that you'll go to your own place and rest?" Olivia crossed her arms as they came to wait before the elevator.
"If I didn't know better I'd think you still didn't trust me."
Olivia shrugged non-committedly. For on one hand Olivia was afraid to let Amanda loose, while on the other hand she was proud of her, in awe of her drive and her abilities and her deep concern for the cases, for the people involved. "Come on, I'll make you dinner."
And after some further protest Olivia was opening the door to her apartment, elated to see her son, with a tired Amanda Rollins trailing uncertainly behind her.
Noah toddled towards them in greeting, wrapping his arms about Olivia's legs, beaming up at her with that adorable smile. And then he was leaving her stooped embrace to go and wrap himself around Amanda whom he must have remembered being fond of from the last time when Olivia had invited Amanda for a drink to talk about her maternity leave and some parental concerns. Amanda smiled down at him, reached down to pull him up into her arms. "Hey there, Noah."
"Amanda." He beamed and pointed at her.
"Yes, that's right! How did you remember?"
Olivia smiled as she watched her son and colleague interact, finding it endearingly charming the way he was looking at Amanda.
"He just brushed his teeth but I told him he could stay up and wait for you." Lucy appeared at her side, pulling her bag onto her shoulder.
"That's just fine. Thank you so much. Do you want me to call a ride for you?"
"Ah, no. I'm meeting a friend a few streets over. But thanks." Lucy grinned.
"Thank you! We'll see you tomorrow." Olivia intoned and watched as Lucy took Noah from Amanda, pressing a big kiss to his cheek and hugging him before letting him loose so that she could make her exit.
"Make yourself at home. I'm going to put this little one to bed and then I'll make some dinner. Do you have anything you're not eating?"
"Nope, I basically eat anything anyone puts in front of me." Amanda smiled at her, a genuine smile that Olivia was quite certain she hadn't seen for some time. Noah wrapped his arms about Amanda's legs and tugged at her jacket. She laughed. "Hey, why don't I put him down and then you can make something."
"Yeah?" Olivia was thrown by this generous offer.
"Yeah, I mean how hard can it be, right? I've gotta practice anyway."
"Well help yourself. But let me know if you need anything."
Noah took Amanda's hand in his own and grinned. "I think we'll be just fine." And then he was leading the younger woman into his room.
Olivia felt a pull at her chest, knowing deep down that this had been the right decision. To bring Amanda here into the warmth and love that Noah could provide her. A living, breathing toddler. Olivia would sneak in later that evening and lay down next to him. Now, Amanda needed him.
Dinner was plated by the time Amanda emerged from Noah's bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind her. "He's out cold. We got through two books. Liv, he's adorable."
"I know it." Olivia grinned.
"Oh, this looks amazin'." Amanda sighed as she took a seat cater-corner from Olivia. "Thank you."
Olivia brushed her off. "I enjoy cooking when I can. Of course, it's more fun when I have someone to cook for. I'll be glad when Noah is old enough to eat real food."
"Oh, Liv." Amanda sighed after carrying on and on about how wonderful the dinner was – despite the fact it was haphazardly thrown together and couldn't be any more exciting than any other meal. Her elated smile had somewhat faded as her mind traveled in a downward spiral. "Whad'am I gonna do?"
"Amanda, we've been over this. You'll have the time off you need, you'll have a wonderful nanny, you're going to be a wonderful mother." Olivia insisted.
"No," Amanda rubbed her hands over her face. "I mean, yeah…yeah, I'm sure I'll be able to care for her. Of course, I will…just what if…"
"No, no. You stop right there." Olivia pointed her fork sharply at the younger woman. "You absolutely can't think like that. You just have to love your child the best you can every moment you can and you cannot think about all the what if's. It will drive you crazy."
"I can't help it." Amanda insisted.
"Well then you're gonna have to learn how to help it because this won't be helpful. You know all of the things we see at work. You know how horrible the world is, but not everything is so bad. Not every child dies in such a heinous way."
"But they can still die." Amanda wasn't about to give in to Olivia's positive spin on the world.
"Well, believe what you'd like. I'd prefer to believe that good still exists."
Amanda picked up her water glass and peered over it curiously at Olivia, as if just seeing her for the first time that day. "You're a wonder."
"What?"
"I mean really, after all you've been through and you can still talk like that."
Olivia shrugged, "well, I've certainly had some help to get to that point. My therapist could tell you a thing or two…"
"I admire you." Amanda looked down at her plate again. She looked so small, despite her protruding stomach. She reminded Olivia so much of herself when she was her age.
Olivia's hand came to settle over Amanda's, attempting to soothe her in a way which she hadn't tried. The younger woman turned her hand, their fingers threading together, holding on tight.
"Thank you. For listenin' to me. For bringin' me here tonight. I don't know what I would've done."
Olivia leaned forward, "you've got to take care of yourself. If not for yourself then for your baby."
Amanda sighed. "I wish I'd have you around all the time to remind me of that."
Olivia laughed, squeezing Amanda's hand in her own. She looked down at their fingers entwined, trying to remember the last time she'd had that with anyone. Not that it was sexual, nothing like that…Amanda was a very lovely woman and all…but Olivia wasn't interested in the soft, kindness of women. Oh, no. Certainly not.
"What're you thinkin' about?" Amanda was looking at her.
And what had she been thinking about? "Oh," she let Amanda's hand slide from her grasp and she went back to eating. "Nothing, just that it's been an awful long time since I've dated. Not since…God, was it Cassidy?"
"I never liked him." Amanda muttered and then clasped a hand over her mouth.
Olivia peered over at her curiously.
"I didn't mean to say that aloud."
"Well you did. And…to be honest, I don't blame you for saying it. He was…kind, but…well…" She picked at her food.
"No, I shouldn't have said anything. You had something with him."
"I did." Olivia nodded. "And now I have Lucy to help me raise my son." She laughed to herself.
"Sounds like an ideal situation." Amanda laughed. "Who needs men anyway? They just leave."
"You know, I admire you, too. For having this baby when Declan's not even around."
Amanda shrugged. "I don't think I'd really want him around anyway. I mean, we had something lovely while it lasted…he saved my butt a time or two, but…"
"It's understandable." Olivia smiled, catching sight of the clock on the wall. "It's nearly ten."
"I should be going." Amanda yawned.
"No, why don't you just stay here? You could take a nice relaxing bath, skip the commute home."
"I'm not going to put you out any more than I already have."
"You're not putting me out. Besides, I think you deserve some TLC. Come on, I'll draw a bath and make you some tea."
"And rub my feet?" Amanda laughed under her breath. "No, no. I should go home." But there was a pull of hesitancy in her voice and Olivia knew that she really did want all of what was being offered.
"I'll rub your feet, too." Olivia winked and stood to remove their plates from the table. "Come on."
"But you're not sleeping on the couch if I stay. I know you'll insist I take the bed but that couch does not look comfortable."
"We'll share the bed. Now come on." Olivia laughed.
And it was for some reason as comforting and nurturing to Olivia as it was to Amanda for Olivia to draw the bath and then leave Amanda to her peaceful, watery cocoon. Olivia returned to the kitchen to make some herbal tea, checking in on her peaceful, sleeping darling boy as she waited for the water to boil on the stove. His chest rose and fell normally, gently. She loved looking at him as he slept, knowing he was still so alive there beneath his sheets.
The teapot whistled and she was taken from her son's door before the noise could wake him. She poured two cups and then took one to the bathroom door. She knocked lightly. "I have your tea, are you decent?"
There was a light splash of water and then Amanda's voice called out, beckoning Olivia inside.
Amanda looked a vision with her hair piled atop her head, bubbles surrounding her, only the top of her stomach and a hint of breast shown through the water. She sat up a little more, a momentary discomfort passing over her eyes as she thankfully accepted the cup of tea from Olivia – Olivia who tried not to look any more than was necessary.
"It…it, uh, feels so nice. Thank you, Liv." Amanda smiled up at her, the discomfort floating away the longer they found themselves in this position.
"You're welcome…I'm…I'm, uh going to get ready for bed. I'll lay out some things for you."
Amanda nodded. "Thanks for the tea."
And then Olivia removed herself from the bathroom, pausing on the other side of the door to reflect upon what it was she was feeling. Certainly, these were not feelings for the younger woman…no, that would be out of place entirely. No, no. There were not feelings, not romantic feelings. Were there?
She shook her head and moved to change in the bedroom before pulling out some comfortable oversized pajama bottoms and a warm shirt that looked big enough for Amanda.
Had she really told her they would share the bed? She glanced at it, looking at the bed which she had only ever really shared with one other person. Amanda had stayed the night before, but never in the bed with her. How had she said it so casually? Of course we'll share the bed.
She heard the handle on the bathroom door and found Amanda peering out, wrapped up in a towel that hardly fit around her.
"Here, here are some pajamas." Olivia held out the items she'd collected. "There's an extra toothbrush under the sink. Help yourself."
"You're too kind." Amanda grinned at her, disappearing to change.
It felt like a torturous amount of time before Amanda emerged all scrubbed clean and smelling of the vanilla bath oils Olivia had used. They inched past one another so that Olivia could go through her own nightly ritual and when she returned she found Amanda in the far away spot on the bed, eyes trained on the door, as if waiting for her.
Suddenly things felt different and Olivia wasn't quite certain what had changed. Her heart pounded a little in her ears as she moved to the bed, climbing in beside the blonde.
"Thanks again, Liv." Amanda drawled, sleep evident in her voice.
"Anytime, sweetie." She smiled over at the younger woman.
"Liv?" Amanda whispered after she'd turned off the bedside light.
"Hmm?"
"I know this is weird, but would you…could you maybe…it's just this damn weight around my middle really screws up my back and I just…"
"Where?" Olivia turned under the sheets to face Amanda.
"My right side, right there under the shoulder blade."
"Turn over." Olivia instructed, finding it easy to be so close to Amanda. Her hands found her right shoulder blade and she massaged it gently at first. She applied a little more pressure when she felt Amanda's body giving into her, and slowly she kneaded out the cricks in her back. She massaged until she heard the slightest, lowest, quietest little whimper elicited from the other woman.
"Did I hurt you?"
"No, no…don't stop. It feels so amazing." Amanda panted.
Olivia's hands returned to her, rubbing her a little less roughly, ignoring the feeling that had worked up in a region she would rather ignore in that moment.
"That's…that's wonderful, Liv. Thank you." Amanda whispered and, after some work, turned to face Olivia.
Olivia smiled at her in the streetlight lit room. "Still glad you stayed?"
"More than glad." Amanda grinned, reaching out to stroke Olivia's cheek. It felt so natural that she would do this. "Thank you. Really, I can't say it enough."
"Anytime. Really." Olivia whispered, pressing her lips to Amanda's palm. As if that were what two friends might do.
Amanda smiled, let her finger trail over Olivia's cheek, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"What's it like?" Olivia whispered, feeling the protruding stomach resting between them. The little, tiny baby child was cocooned inside her mother, hidden away from the big bad world. Olivia had to admit that there was a little thrill inside of her at the thought of this child protected between the two of them.
Amanda reached for Olivia's hand, pulling it beneath the covers. "She's kicking."
Olivia's heart thudded loudly in her chest, a panicky feeling grasped at her as Amanda guided her hand to her stomach. Olivia's palm came to rest against bare skin, so soft and warm. And then she felt it. A fluttering reached up to greet her hand. There was a child in there, a real-life child and it was awe-inspiring. She felt a warmth spread throughout her. "She is. Is she always so active?"
Amanda shrugged, leaning up on her elbow as Olivia followed the movement of the baby. "Not always. She's really active right when I try to go to bed, though."
"It's amazing." Olivia was transfixed.
Amanda laughed sleepily. "You know what's the hardest part, though? They never really tell you this but you really, really miss sex and after a while it gets too difficult to do it yourself so it just ends up frustratin'."
Olivia's mouth went dry, words lost on her tongue.
"Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that." Amanda covered her face with her hands. "It's just we're layin' here like two friends and I…"
"It's okay to talk to me about it. I mean, I wouldn't have the slightest idea since I've never… but…well, I can only imagine…"
"I know, but you're my boss and I…I'm already overstepping some sort of boundary just by being here at all."
"No, no." Olivia's hand lightly clasped at Amanda's side, holding her so that they were facing one another. "I want you to be here." Her cheeks flamed as soon as the words left her mouth. "I mean…I'm…uh, I'm happy to have you here. Any time you need."
Amanda smiled at her though there was something slightly unreadable resting in the corners of her eyes. "Liv?"
"Hmm?" Olivia's eyes were trained on the curve of Amanda's lips, so near to her in the dark.
"Would it…um, would it be crossin' some kind of line if I told you I thought you were beautiful?"
Olivia felt the laughter well deep within herself. For here she was practically holding Amanda up against herself, could feel the younger woman's protruding stomach pressing into her own stomach, could smell the gentle fragrance of the younger woman hidden beneath the vanilla bath soaps, the sweet smell of her breath ghosting across her cheek…and how comical was it that she could go on pretending that she didn't find the younger woman ridiculously gorgeous – even more so in her pregnant state. It wasn't something she would have considered, or perhaps she had not given herself the chance to consider it. But now that they were here - and how easy it had been to arrive here – Olivia could imagine it. How easy it would be to lean forward, to press their lips together…
"Jesus, I keep sayin' the wrong thing. Please don't fire me. I kinda need this job." Amanda half-laughed, half sounded serious.
Olivia glanced up, finding those piercing blue eyes looking right at her. Her body was responding before she could make up her mind. If she just tilted her head up an inch, she could press her lips to Amanda's. It would be so easy.
Their lips collided, brief, feathery at first. Olivia wasn't even quite certain they had even kissed until it deepened into something so much more and then she was holding Amanda closer, listening to her whimper when she pressed her lips to Amanda's neck.
"Shit," Olivia cursed under her breath then, pulling back to look at the younger woman. Amanda's eyes were still closed angelically, face open into a pleasurable look and then suddenly those piercing blue eyes opened and a fear shot through them.
"Oh Jesus, Liv…I should go. I shouldn't be here." Amanda was scampering away.
No, no. She hadn't intended that at all. She wanted Amanda to stay. "Stay."
"No, really, Olivia. I shouldn't have said anything…"
"Do you not…"
"No…I mean, yes…of course…but we shouldn't. You know better than I that we shouldn't. I mean…do you even want to?"
"I think…" Olivia's heart was racing. So afraid that Amanda would run from her, yet also afraid that Amanda would stay and then what would happen? Left to their own devices it seemed they somehow gravitated towards this. Like their bodies needed one another. When had that happened? For Olivia had certainly never noticed Amanda in such a way before. Hell, she'd hardly never noticed a woman in this sort of way before. She'd certainly never kissed a woman this way before.
"I should go." Amanda reiterated and struggled towards the edge of the bed.
"Oh, stop it." Olivia reached for her, halting her escape. "Yes. Yes, I want to. But I'm…I've never and I'm…"
"Me, too." Amanda conceded, rolling back over to face Olivia. Only now she was further away, out of reach. "But it's not because of what I said earlier. I mean you're pretty wonderful at takin' care of people, of me…but you don't hafta go that far if you're not…"
"Amanda," Olivia groaned, realizing just how far gone she was, how sunk down the rabbit hole of sexual arousal. But certainly she was thinking clearly. Yes, Amanda was a subordinate. There were rules. But rules were often bent and broken. Had always been. But was this worth it? Could it be worth it? "I…do want to…to touch you. And not because of what you said earlier. But only if you want me to."
Amanda moved a little bit closer, wrapping an arm about Olivia and pulling her in even closer. Olivia's heart beat slowed from its anxious leaping as their lips came together again. Amanda was a skilled kisser. Amanda's lips were unlike any that Olivia had kissed before and there was an unexpected tenderness to the connection. "Will you?" She whispered between kisses.
Olivia nodded, feeling somehow emboldened in the late-night hour. Willful enough to reach downwards, to let her fingers trail over the soft fabric covering Amanda's thigh. Amanda's strong leg lifted, moved over Olivia's leg so that she was open. Olivia's hand was resolute as she slid up the inside of Amanda's pajama-clad thigh and she found herself grazing the other woman. Through the thin material she could feel a soft warmth which she trailed her fingers over once, twice and each time Amanda shuddered against her.
"It's okay, Liv." Amanda whispered, pressing her lips to Olivia's cheek. Amanda reached down, guiding Olivia's hand so that it slid beneath the pajama pant barrier. And then Olivia was touching her and it felt as natural as could be. "Oh, God." Amanda sighed when Olivia's fingers slid over her, parted her folds to touch warm, wet, velvety smoothness. "Oh." Amanda whispered.
Olivia looked up at her as she stroked, watching as the blonde's face morphed into that pleasurable look from before. She was so serene and content. Olivia wanted to please her, wanted to make her desires come to life. She found her center and moved over it as she would do to herself. Amanda's body constricted about her, clutched on for dear life, moved with her motions. The little whimper followed by a moan made Olivia feel proud of herself, that she could do this to someone else when she had never done it before.
"Liv," Amanda panted.
"Hmm?"
"Will you…oh, will you be inside?" Her voice was shy, raspy.
Olivia melted, felt her own body moving in time with Amanda's. Her finger slid downwards, finding the spot which Amanda requested. It was odd for she was touching a pregnant woman so very intimately, so very near to the unborn child. She had heard of hundreds of men who wouldn't dare touch their pregnant wives – preferred to go out and sleep around until the baby was born – but as she touched Amanda and felt her against her hand she couldn't fathom it. She absolutely could not understand how a man wouldn't want to see his wife, his partner in such a way when she was in a state of creating a new life. And giving this to her…it felt so wonderful.
"You're so beautiful." Olivia whispered, pressing her lips to Amanda's cheek, their lips finding one another as Amanda clasped at her, began panting against her mouth.
"Oh Jesus!" Amanda gasped, body tight now and then it suddenly released and Olivia watched Amanda sink divinely back into the bed, eyelids fluttering closed, a happy, silly smile on her lips.
And what had just happened? Had she…but surely…Olivia had done that?
"Are you…okay?" Olivia spoke, uncertain as to what came next. Her hand was slick, still pressed inside of Amanda's pajama bottoms.
"Oh, Liv. You're fantastic." Amanda's eyes fluttered open, she reached up with shaky hand to tuck Olivia's hair behind her ears and then she leaned up to kiss her again.
"It was…yeah?"
"Yeah." Amanda smiled, but then a worried look crossed her face. "Are you…you're okay?"
"Uh," Olivia removed her hand from Amanda's pants and shook her head. "I'm…yeah. That was…fucking amazing." She laughed, shifting her legs against one another.
"Oh, Liv…I can…"
"No, no. We should sleep. You should sleep."
"If you're…"
"I can take care of it. Believe me, that was certainly…something. Something very unexpected but…good." Olivia grinned, leaning over to kiss Amanda.
"We could…again sometime. If you wanted and I could…"
Olivia considered this. What would it look like if they were to carry on like this? Shared beds, dinners with Noah, a new baby, a home, a shared apartment… Her mind was running a mile a minute.
"Liv, let's not get ahead of ourselves." Amanda kissed her cheek, as if she knew her mind was racing. "I mean we could take it a day at a time…I'd…I think I'd like to get to know you more. I think…if you wanted…"
Olivia was shocked to find that she did want this. All of this. Oh, how had she never realized, what an idiot she had been? "I'd like that."
"Yeah?" Amanda smiled at her.
"Yeah." Olivia nodded, leaning forward to kiss Amanda again, for now it felt as natural as the sun rising to lean over and press their lips together. There would be no way for her to go back now. She couldn't possibly fathom it. Yes, Amanda was something she would never understand, sometimes infuriating, sometimes too passionate, too driven, too wild…and yet Olivia had the feeling that she would learn the ins and outs of Amanda Rollins. "Let's get some sleep."
"Liv?" Amanda glanced at her again.
"Yeah?"
"You promise this won't change things? I…I just hope it hasn't ruined anything." Amanda's voice was small in the dark room.
Olivia looked back at her, caught her gaze. "Amanda, I've never been more serious about anything in my life when I tell you that this scares the shit out of me but I would never run from what we just did. It's not going to look different in the morning. I promise you."
Amanda bit her lip, then a huge smile spread across her face. Olivia couldn't help but smile back at her. "You know what?"
"What?" Olivia wrapped Amanda up in her arms, holding her close.
"I think this was a better deal than a foot massage."