Sapphic Maneuver: ME3 Humorous Lesbian Orgy Ending

by ReaverPoet

This is a parody send-up of the ME3 ending, using lesbian sex as the DeusEx Machina that saves the galaxy. It is intended to be funny. Well, hilarious really. It contains some material that may offend some people, so please read the warnings, and search your soul, and don't read this if it might offend you. because, really, my life doesn't need any extra drama.:-

The Sapphic Maneuver: Mass Effect 3 Special DLC Humorous Lesbian Orgy Ending

Title: The Sapphic Maneuver: Mass Effect 3 Special DLC Humorous Lesbian Orgy Ending

Author: ReaverPoet

Working from: Mass Effect 3

Spoilers: Spoilers for MassEffect 3-sort of

Pairings: FemShep/Liara/Tali/Traynor/Miranda/Jack sort of

Rating: R?

Complete?: Yes

Warnings: Implied lesbian group sex, Tasteless fisting joke. Seriously-its tasteless, so pretty please be warned.

Disclaimer: No copyright challenge is intended. Not distributed for money.

Summary: A humerous paradody piece sending up the end of Mass Effect 3

Archive: yes, but do not edit in any way, and keep all headings.

Note: I have the deepest respect for Bioware, Mass Effect, all the characters, and all the ships. This piece is offered in the spirit of a good natured ribbing.

Intro: It has come to my attention that some players are deeply dissatisfied with the ending of Mass Effect 3. I know Bioware does not want to violate their own artistic integrity, so I have taken the liberty of violating ME3 myself. In fact, of pinning it against a wall and violating it slowly. The following DLC should only be unlocked if you have played FemShep and dated Liara and are completing the game on your birthday. The ending can pretty much be activated at any appropriate point in the game where you feel it might fit.

Note: Shepherd, as usual, sometimes has several conversation choices, but I have taken the liberty of selecting one to move forward, and my choice is indicated by being the bolded response.

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Shepard stands in the Captain's cabin, staring at her aquarium with anguish, contemplating the many lost lives of the war.

Femshep: "Fish are dead again. God damned reapers. War is Hell."

A frenzied beeping at the door announces a visitor, and Shep answers the door to find a breathless and wide-eyed Liara carrying a laptop.

Liara: Shepard, we need to talk. I've discovered something encoded deep in the plans for the Prothean weapon. It's a message from an even older race. They had discovered the true motive of the Reapers. It turns out the Reapers value a certain type of creative output that a young sentient civilization will produce. When a civilization gets old enough, it stops creating so much, and turns to more serious work.

FemShep (Paragon): Amazing, if suspiciously convenient, breakthrough! How do we apply it?

FemShep (Neutral): Wait… we're being thrown over for a younger, hotter civilization, basically?

FemShep (Renegade): So…..how is this about me?

Liara: Well, the catalyst we've been looking for—it's actually a type of performance. The whole Prothean machine is designed to create millions of image, video and text variations of the performance, and rapidly spread it throughout all forms of communication, to convince the Reapers that the civilization is not past its prime yet.

FemShep: So, we need some kind of artist?

Liara: Well…unfortunately the art form the Reapers want to solicit…its pornography, Shepard. And the artist….has to be whoever the Prothean Beacon has tagged as an appropriate subject. In this case, you. We have to get you to the center of the Prothean Weapon, with multiple partners acceptable to you. I understand the Crucible will provide suitable lighting, and some sort of primal, rhythmic backbeat…

FemShep (Paragon): Are you OK with this?

FemShep (Neutral): A lesbian sex powered weapon? Really? That's a thing? Well, I was working on this plan to create an army of tame thresher maws in massive space suits….but your thing sounds good too.

FemShep (Renegade): Hells yeah! Do we have time to stop by Illium for lube and toys?

Liara: I have to be—the fate of all living things in the galaxy is in your hands. And your mouth. And….anyway, I have worked up a short list of people we might find mutually interesting. With dossiers, and sexual histories. Cross indexed by favorite sex acts.

FemShep (Paragon): Ah, the advantages of dating the Shadow Broker!

FemShep (Neutral): ….Jack looks interesting…oh wait, no that sounds painful…and possibly crippling…

FemShep (Renegade): You mean Tali has sex toys built right into her suit? So she really might have been having sex at any time, and we wouldn't know? I could be giving an inspiring speech before a crucial battle, and she'd be getting off?

Liara: I think we also might consider inviting someone to observe. The Reapers are apparently a tough audience to please, and feedback by someone hard to impress might be useful. We need someone with bulletproof boredom – world shattering apathy.

Shep: Then we'll need to stop at Purgatory in the Citadel.

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At Purgatory, Shepard slides onto the couch beside Aria T'Loac. Aria stares at the patrons of the dance club as if she is enduring an eighth grade hygiene filmstrip.

Aria: You again. You're lucky this club is about as interesting as getting my teeth cleaned—it makes you look slightly less drab by comparison.

Shep: I need you to save all sentient life in the galaxy by watching me have sex with my hottest female friends in the middle of a massive Prothean artifact.

Aria: Whatever.

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Later, in a shadowy corner of the Citadel…

Miranda (speaking from behind a potted plant): You know I have to be careful Shepard. My father's spies are everywhere.

Shepard: Miranda, I need your help to end the Reaper threat.

Miranda: I can shoot my way through a husk horde, if that's what you need…

Shepard: Yeah. About that….actually, I need to cast you in an interspecies lesbian orgy.

Miranda: …

FemShep (Paragon): It's your chance to redeem yourself for working for Cerebus.

FemShep (Neutral): C'mon, I saved your sister and all.

FemShep (Renegade): Because you have control issues that can be exploited for kink and an ass that should have earned the genetics team that designed it the Nobel prize.

Miranda: Well, it's about time you noticed. I don't wear this outfit to be more aerodynamic, you know.

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Back on the Normandy, Shepard politely interrupts a tragic mandible/helmet locking incident in engineering…

Tali: I'm tempted, Shepard, but orgies are a little dangerous for people with poor immune systems. And as you know, my immune system is about as effective as a Hanar desert warfare unit.

FemShep: Maybe you could keep the suit on and just use….ummm…attachments?

Tali: Well, I do know a few extranet shops that sell some interesting snap-on tools. And with some engineering, I could put together a few they haven't thought of.

Garrus: I could help calibrate them. You know…if they need calibration.

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Meanwhile, in Liara's office…

Liara (addressing a terminal): I assure you Counselor Sparatus, the Turian research on hand-held multi-setting waterproof tools for mining sensitive, explosive element zero nodes through vibration is completely vital for the current initiative at the Crucible.

Sparatus: Ah yes, 'lesbians'. We find this whole approach implausible. It's probably a complete waste of valuable resources. What I think we should do is find some enormous tube-like structure, such as, for instance, the Citadel, and drive that gigantic phallic structure you've built—that Crucible thing into it. Vigorously. Repeatedly, if necessary. Until the problem is solved.

Liara: I so can't even talk to you anymore.

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Back in the CIC…

Traynor: Commander, you have new messages at your private terminal. Also, you've been issued a new set of sub-armor layer wear, which has been delivered to your quarters. It appears to include garters, and a garter belt. Also, where the hell is my invitation to this party?

Shep: Sorry, Specialist Traynor, I guess I just thought you were more into dental hygiene and chess.

Traynor: Ok, first off, Shepard, nobody buys a toothbrush that has little mass effect fields to…whatever. I was clearly talking about a sex toy.

Shep: Oh…I suppose I wasn't thinking…

Traynor: And secondly, chess was just my excuse to get myself into your quarters, so you could seduce me.

Shep: So, I could seduce…

Traynor: By offering me a shower. I was planning to make pointed remarks about your shower.

Shep: That was your plan? Couldn't you just hit on me while I was wandering around Purgatory aimlessly, hoping someone would want to talk to me? Or take me out to dinner or something?

Traynor: Too predictable.

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In her cabin, Shepard negotiates with a loose cannon…

Jack: Maybe Shepard, but I'm going to need a candlelight dinner, first, some romantic flirtation to smooth jazz and at least an hour of cuddling afterwards.

Shep: Really?

Jack: No, you moron. I want to throw that stuck up ex-Cerebus bitch down on her hands and knees and fist her roughly from behind until she screams my name. You cool with that?

FemShep (paragon): So, cuddling is off the table?

FemShep (neutral): Well… she did want to put a control chip in my brain….I guess if you can talk her into it, it's OK.

Femshep (renegade): Funny, she made the same request about you…

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Back in the war room, Shepard stares into a monitor that shows statistics on the upcoming initiative in the Crucible.

Shep: Damn it! We're still only at 50% readiness! How the Hell do we get better prepared for a thing like this?

Crewman: You could always try random risky encounters with multiple strangers in a variety of semi-public settings, using whatever equipment is at hand.

Shep: Sure, that could work!

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Liara: All our preparations are in order, Shepard. Are you ready?

FemShep (paragon): The sacrifice we make here, today, will be spoken of for generations. This is the moment in history when we broke the cycle of violence—with love.

FemShep (neutral): I just want a few minutes to stretch and take some vitamins.

FemShep (renegade): Sure—grab those fuzzy handcuffs and let's party!

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Deep inside the crucible, the lighting dims, and the ambient air temperature warms comfortably. We see various bits of clothing and armor hitting the floor.

Aria: Can we get this over with? I have to alphabetize my thugs.

Shepard and Jack kiss. We see a blue hand caressing the curves of Tali's environmental suit. We hear the whirring sound of various rhythmically vibrating devices being switched on. A shot of a tattooed hand smacking an improbably perfect ass. Someone moans. Aria yawns. A gasp. Liara, surround by biotic power, kissing her way up Shepard's thigh.

The scene fades to black.

What?

You've played all three Mass Effect games, and you didn't expect this scene to fade to black? Listen, be thankful they took off their clothes, OK?

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We find ourselves in the rebuilt Council chamber of the Citadel. The Asari counselor is hanging a huge medal around Shepard's neck. The camera pans to show us all the orgy participants, so we know they all survived. They look tired but triumphant. The camera pans further to show us all the crew of the Normandy. Many of them are not looking at the ceremony, but are instead engrossed in video that's playing on a pad that Joker is holding. We zoom in, to see the video is of the orgy.

Shepard stares out the window of the citadel, as ominous music plays and the Reapers slowly fly back out to beyond the galaxy…

Shepard (muttering softly): Did anyone see where my bra ended up?