A/N: Thanks to the amazing BabyLawyerOQ for beta reading this story and for helping me when I had second thoughts!
"He's back, Regina," says Leopold as he takes a sip of whiskey and stirs the liquid inside, moving the glass with a circular movement of his hand.
For some seconds the only sound in the room comes from the ice cubes inside his glass bumping into one another.
"I know, Leo, believe me, I know. I saw him this morning leaving Granny's," replies Regina as she tries taking away her eyes from him, maybe with the intention of hiding the excitement her eyes are unable to disguise.
"And how do you feel about it? …about him? …about all that happened?" Asks Leopold, trying to make her voice what he thinks he's reading from the tone of her voice and the way she avoids his gaze.
"It doesn't change anything. We both made up our minds years ago, Leo. You know it," answers Regina as she drinks from her glass of champagne.
"Uhm ...I'm not that sure. Some things have changed, dear. Your father isn't here, Locksley's mother moved on, people in town are more receptive towards you, you've built a reputation as a well-known psychologist not only in this town but also elsewhere."
"Yeah, but still we haven't talked in years and we might be very different to the ones we were years ago; he lives in the other side of the world and after New Year he'll be back to his family and, well, I'm …" Regina looks at him, gestures with one of her hands towards him, and then towards her until she finally says "...we are still here."
"Yes, but remember what we discussed about …" Leopold pauses, makes a movement with one of his hands mimicking Regina, and continues "...us. If there's anything you think I need to know, please do tell me."
"I will. Don't worry." Regina stands up to leave the room, walks the little distance to where Leopold is seated and kisses him on the forehead. She prepares herself to exit, but before walking through the door, she turns around and adds "Thank you, Leo. I ...I'm going to bed. It's been a long day."
"Good night, dear ...and think about coming with me to Boston for Christmas and New Year ...I know this time of the year is tough for you, but I need to be there."
"I'll think about it. Good night, Leo."
…
Regina can't sleep, thinking about the previous years, about what her life has become since she lost him: a facade, a cover, a fake life out of a deal she felt compelled to make as a way to resolve the public embarrassment and financial breakdown her mother's choices brought on her.
Despite the time that has passed, she recognizes she isn't over him and thinks she has done quite a good job hiding it, well, maybe not to Leopold and definitely not to Emma, but certainly, to other people.
She knows and has already accepted that maybe, she will never be over him, but understanding it and seeing him are two different things. Watching him this morning walking to his car carrying his child in one arm and a takeout bag in the other one, reminded her of what she could have had and has made her relive not only the painful circumstances of their break up but also the choices other people made that changed her life.
…..
Living her whole life in the picturesque little town of Storybrooke, Maine has its perks but also has proven to be a goddamned curse for Regina Mills.
Storybrooke is a peaceful location where most people know each other; one where the most serious offense is vandalism towards public property caused by a bunch of kids going through a difficult age without proper advice, and where people could leave their doors unlocked with no fear of someone breaking into their houses.
In this town, traffic isn't an issue, and the sound of klaxons is practically unknown. Its beautiful landscapes are an invitation for locals and tourists to enjoy outdoor activities.
However, there's no hell like a small town, they say, and this was confirmed to be true when the scandal about Regina's mother and wife to the honorable Mayor Henry Mills spread over town. The story about how Cora Mills left her husband on a Christmas Eve and ran away with someone else's husband (and not just someone else's, but Cora's best friend's husband) became the town gossip since it happened four years ago.
It has been the gossip among the conservative citizens of Storybrooke, not even surpassed by the good Dr. Whale's divorce when his wife discovered him with a nurse in a compromising situation at his working place; or Emma Swan, Regina's best friend, getting pregnant at a young age by a man with a criminal record; or Ruby Lucas' life as a woman of easy virtue and little shame; or her own marriage to a man 24 years older than her that, rumor has it, prefers young men rather than women.
This episode in Regina Mills' life marked her forever. This incident subjected her to people gossiping behind her back (and some of them even right on her face) about how her mother had been capable of betraying her own husband and her dear friend Evelyn.
That event turned Regina's life upside down. Not only she had to deal, for years, with the town rumors and gazes of disapproval and judgment towards her (as if she were responsible for her mother's choices), but also with her family financial meltdown and her father's depression, one that he never was able to overcome, followed by a disease and more recently by his death. And, as if that wasn't hard enough she had to deal with her own broken heart because it happens that from all the men her heartless mother could have chosen to betray her father with, she chose the one man that not only made her family collapse, but also the one of her fiancé at the time. Yes, Cora Mills had the nerve to run away with Robert Locksley, father of her daughter's fiancé and husband of her friend Evelyn.
As she lies down in bed waiting for sleep to come, she remembers how from the moment the two families, that had been longtime friends, found out that Henry's wife had run away with Evelyn's husband, their worlds fell apart. Two families destroyed; two spouses betrayed; two parents, to a son and a daughter, gone and those that were left behind, emotionally destroyed; and for Regina, a five-year relationship with a man that would have soon became her husband ended by default. Those had been the consequences of Cora's actions.
"How could they do this to us? Shit! I ...I can't even look at your father in the eye!" exclaimed Robin as he walked from one side to another of Regina's living room.
"I'm in shock, Robin. My mother destroyed me ...she ...she destroyed us ...What kind of future will we have with the memory of what they did to my father and Evelyn torturing us? How long will take your mother, your sister or even you, to begin wondering when will I do to you the same that my mother did to my father? If it happens that I'm late or something goes out of schedule your first thought will be one of doubt," said Regina with tears gathered in her red eyes.
It was obvious she had been crying all night since she found out the note her mother left behind as the only reminder she lived once in that house. No clothes, no personal belongings, no bank savings ...she took everything with her. It seemed Cora planned this a long while ago because she didn't leave a trail of her presence in the Mills' mansion or in Henry's or her daughter's lives.
"I would never do that, Regina, but certainly they have put us in a difficult situation. This town, these people ...they all have that look ...they stare at me with such disdain ...as if I were my father ...even my mother has that look sometimes. I can't stand their glances anymore. I feel like I'm drowning here. I ...I hate him so much Regina ...both of them ...they didn't think about us, about the consequences this would have for us …the bastard! always behaving like the perfect husband and family man, when he had been banging your mother for years ...this isn't something out of impulse, they've been planning this for some time ….they've been lying to everyone for years …shit ...how didn't any of us see this coming?"
Robin talked, going back and forth with his words stopping between sentences. It was evident he was devastated by the news.
"As a therapist, I know very well that we must not feel guilty for other people's choices, but I, myself, can't help to feel guilt, shame, sorrow, anger ...everything at the same time. I can't look at your mother and take away the thought that she sees my mother in me …I need some time to deal with this shit on my own, Robin. I hope you will understand. We can't begin a marriage with a burden like this over our shoulders. We should try to heal first, forgive them ...if we can ...and retake things whenever we are ready. And, I have to look after my father, he's destroyed, the bitch not only took his dignity away from him but also emptied the bank accounts. He has nothing left."
"Yeah … You're right. We can't build a future together if we don't heal first. I think it's the best, Regina. I do love you, I hope you know that but right now I need to put some distance from this town, these people, your father, my mother …"
"And me," finished Regina for him, "I understand it. If there's one person that can understand how you feel it's me, Robin. We both are standing in the same place."
Robin looked at Regina, was about to take her hands in his, but before he could do it he saw her taking off her engagement ring and handing it to him, "Would you mind holding this for a bit longer?"
"I promise I'll give it back to you when we're ready again."
With that, they said goodbye and Robin left Regina's house.
Regina sighs at the memories, turns to one side of her bed and hugs a pillow as she remembers how two weeks later after that, he knocked her door to tell her he would be leaving Storybrooke because he couldn't stand one more day living in this town. He told her that his sister would stay with his mother and that he already had their blessing on his choice, but that he still needed hers.
And that was the last time she saw him. She never heard of him again ...until this morning, when at a single glimpse of him, everything she thought she left behind years ago came to haunt her.
…..
Four years have passed since the day Regina and Robin said their goodbyes, and some things in Regina Mills' life have changed: her father is gone; the love of her life is married to another woman (that's what she's heard) and has a son (that, she has seen with her own eyes); she has Leopold in her life (which hasn't been such a bad thing after all) and, despite the town's disdain, she has built a reputation as a therapist and has her own private practice in association with Dr. Hopper.
However, other things remain just the same as they were when Robin left: she still isn't over him and she hasn't heard a thing about her mother or Robin's father. It's like if they have disappeared in thin air.
Her insight as a professional and years of therapy sessions had helped her take away the guilt and cope with the sorrow her mother's betrayal left on her. Thus, there's an issue therapy can't solve: forgetting him.
For years she tried to get over him and still struggles with it, with the memories of the five years she shared with him, of the life they planned, and sometimes she thinks that maybe she will never move on.
And she wonders if this impossibility of taking him away from her mind and heart is because he was ...is ...her first love. Oh yes, she knows he is her first love, even if he wasn't the first one because she is convinced that first love isn't about if it's the first time someone falls in love, it's about the type of connection, and for her Robin was the first man with whom she felt that intensity.
She has thought about this countless times. Sometimes, in the solitude of her house; other times, after listening to a patient sharing similar struggles as those she deals on a daily basis, and has arrived at the conclusion that he has a special place in her heart because definitely, he was her first love.
Some people would think of the first love as the very first crush. The one that arises feelings still unexplored on a mind that understands very little; the kind of love that makes possible to discover new sensations with the first kiss and soft touches on a body that hasn't even finished to develop. And she knows that for her, her first crush wasn't her first love. She will always have the best memories of Daniel, her high school sweetheart, they still are friends, and even if he was the man (technically, the teen …a young man at eighteen is biologically still a teen) she gave her virginity to, she wouldn't define him as her first love. She was heartbroken when they ended their relationship, but got over him more quickly than what she would have thought. So, no, Daniel Colter wasn't her first love.
Others would say the first love is that kind of love that, ironically, might be the last one, the one that maybe isn't about passion and desire anymore, but about understanding, companionship, and commitment. That one love that makes someone want to share a common life until death do us part, but she knows this is not the case, either with what she has with Leopold Blanchard. Her marriage to Leopold is different, unconventional even, and during the time she has been married to him, she has learned to love him in a way, to trust him, to seek advice in him, but she knows it's not about love, at least not about that kind of love.
And, some would think of the first love like that love that leaves a mark on someone's soul and heart. A trail that will stay with them forever, regardless the moment it appears in their lives. Love so intense and strong that memories and longing could never be erased. It doesn't matter if it takes place early in life, in adulthood or a more mature stage; it's not about when it appears, it's about how deep it is. So, for her, her first love is without a doubt Robin Locksley, a man she knew since they were teens when he and his family moved to Storybrooke from London, the young man she began noticing because their families were close and her parents and his, best friends. The man that stole her heart and still, after all those years and the circumstances they've been through, has it.
Thus, that cold December morning when she spotted Robin Locksley leaving Granny's Diner after four years of not knowing anything about him, her heart skipped a beat. But when she realized he had a little boy with him, hardly older than two years old, that without any doubt was his son, all the emotions she had guarded all those years deep inside her and had only shared with Leopold, Emma and her therapist, flooded her mind, heart and soul in a fraction of a second.
She had always known that her first love, the love of her life, was not meant to be forgotten, but having to witness what her happy ending should have been stirred up the memories of those years spent with him. The remembrance of happy, playful, passionate and tender moments ...and, later of those of pain, anger, and sorrow began filling her.
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Robin arrives at the Rabbit Hole not long after having tucked his son in bed. He needs some time alone, has needed it since this morning when he saw her, but having a toddler in the terrible twos is not easy and time by himself is a luxury he can't afford now that Roland is with him all the time. So, he just had to wait until bedtime for his son to be asleep to go and have some adult time, knowing that his sister has happily agreed to look after her nephew.
Returning to Storybrooke after four years of having run away (yes, now he understands what he did years ago was precisely that) has been more difficult than what he ever imagined. It's like the universe plotted some sort of twisted revenge against him for being such a coward back then, because it seems the goddamned town is cursed and frozen in time and remains very much the same as when he left, which makes his stay even more painful, since every single corner of this town reminds him of her.
Even The Rabbit Hole continues to be just as he remembered: the red sign with yellow letters and the white logo in the middle, the same distribution of the tables, the pool tables, the bar, the waiters, the music …and memories of her everywhere he looks.
Robin believes he deserves the constant remembrances of the years spent with her and the sorrow each place in Storybrooke brings him as he thinks what his life with Regina Mills could have been. He has earned every tormenting memory for not gathering the courage to talk to her as soon as he heard the news about her engagement to the most powerful man in Storybrooke: Leopold Blanchard (well, actually one of the two most powerful men ...the other one, is married to his sister, Belle). He is convinced this is the way the universe is telling him he should have pulled himself together and just called her, and maybe, four years later, he will not be regretting his lack of braveness.
When he failed to call her the moment that shocking news reached him, he knew he would be doomed to live with no answers to his questions and with the uncertainty of not knowing if he had meant so little that she was about to marry another man (which in fact she did), such short time after their breakup. And that's precisely what happened because, with each passing day, it became more difficult to call her, and it was easier to pretend she never existed and to continue living his messed up life miles away from her. He had no other choice than to learn to live with those queries.
Usually, his second glass of whiskey has the power of numbing his pain (an emotion that has been with him since he realized he lost her forever); this rarely happens with the first one, but with the second one, it never fails. However, tonight it appears it isn't working because he is half his third glass of whiskey on the rocks and the pain is still unbearable.
He is well aware why he feels this way, and he thinks in the irony of this shit. During the last years he has fantasized about seeing her again (well, he had seen her because he has stalked her social media ...and from the little she posts there he has an idea of how she looks like and what she's been to after all these years), and has imagined that moment to be one of excitement, nervousness, and anticipation, even. But, nothing could prepare him for how he felt when he saw her this morning, and ironically it hadn't been anything near to what he had thought. First, it had been the astonishment, and then it had been grief, sadness, and longing, feelings that refuse to leave his mind despite the generous amount of alcohol he has already drunk.
It happened this morning, on the second day of his arrival. He was about to have breakfast at Granny's like he had done many times with her, just that this time he was with his child instead, seated at the very same table he used to share with her. He doesn't even know why he chose that table. When he realized where he was seated, it was already too late. It seems his choice was one of mere reflex, something buried in his subconscious released after entering Granny's for the first time in years.
It wasn't that long after he arrived, because he was about to order something that a toddler would eat willingly without being a complete unhealthy choice when, as he glanced through the window, he saw her walking towards her car. It seemed like she was looking for her keys inside her purse and it took her some seconds to finally find them. He smiles at the memory of her taking more time than necessary to find the keys of her apartment or car, and thinks that some things about her remain the same because she always struggled to find the stuff she needed inside her purse.
He lifts his glass in an imaginary toast and takes a generous sip of his whiskey thanking someone up there for his luck this morning, because, despite the hard time he's having in this town, at least he didn't bump into her. He knows this will happen eventually, but this morning he wouldn't have known how to act and he is sure he would have made a complete fool of himself ...more than he already had, because he had been so affected just by spotting her that, some minutes later after having arrived, he left Granny's with a takeout bag (a not so healthy one, by the way) in one hand and a moody toddler in the other.
Robin is so concentrated in his own thoughts that he doesn't realize someone sits by his side and only turns to one of his sides when he hears someone calling his name.
"Robin, mate! I can't believe you're back! What brings you here after so long?"
Robin stands up and goes to hug the man that just appeared out of nowhere as he says, "Hey man, it's nice to see you! You look exactly the same! This town is fucking cursed, people don't age here! Are you still the heartbreaker? or, did you find the lass?"
"Aye, mate, I'm now a family man. I'm married to Emma, you remember her? I'm sure you know her … er...Regina's best friend …"
"Oh, yes, how can someone forget Emma Swan! Congratulations!" replies Robin trying to pretend he didn't hear her name and that he isn't affected by it.
"And, you mate? Rumor has it you came with a child but no wife or girlfriend…"
Robin doesn't even let him continue, and notoriously angry says, "Shit, man, people in this goddamn town don't change… My second day here hasn't even ended, and people are already talking about me, with whom I came and with whom I didn't! Why do they care? They pushed me away once, wasn't that enough?"
Killian is a nice man and had been one of Robin's best friends as teens and young adults, but when Robin left town, they got distant. During the four years Robin has lived abroad he never looked back, never tried to contact old friends and instead focused on making new ones and building new memories with them. The only two people in his life that linked him to Storybrooke during these past years had been his mother and sister. They had been the only ones with whom he has been in touch. The third significant person for him still living in town was lost to him, so it had been pointless to put any efforts encouraging any friendships when he had no intention of coming back.
However, now that things have changed abruptly in Robin's life and this short visit to the only family he has left, isn't merely about spending the festivities with them, but more about exploring the possibility of a permanent residency in town, he thinks it would be convenient to resume old friendships, and Killian is a suitable first step. So, Robin decides not to be harsh with someone that isn't the one to blame for his own choices.
"Sorry, man ….It's just that it's difficult to be back after so long …and not think about the way I left," says Robin after realizing Killian's look of hurt.
"Okay, mate …I'm sorry too. At least let me invite you a drink for old times."
Robin agrees on a drink, and before he notices one drink becomes two, and then it's one for the road, and after that, he's drowning in sorrow, opening up to Killian all his regrets of the past years.
Some hours later a drunk Robin arrives at his mother's house.
He had a nice time with Killian, maybe the best in years. He laughed his ass off remembering silly anecdotes; he cried with the memories of better times spent in this same town; he got angry when Killian told him the details of Regina's engagement and marriage to a man that easily could be her father …and by the end of the night, although having to deal with a bender, he feels lighter and, even, happier.
Little does he know that in a few hours this sense of wellbeing will be erased, not only by a hell of a hangover.
…..
On the third day after his arrival, luck isn't on Robin's side anymore. He has to pick up his son from his sister's house as he deals with the remnants of too much alcohol in his system, and soon he'll come face to face with the woman responsible of last night's intoxication.
At first, he doesn't notice her. He's walking towards the door of Granny's Diner after having bought a coffee before heading to his sister's house to pick up his son, hoping that some caffeine would help with his headache and hangover when he hears the unmistakable sound of those bells Granny hangs on the door to announce someone's entering her business. He spots her before she notices him, but this time there is no way of avoiding her.
He gulps at the sight of her, and it appears this encounter is what people in town have been waiting for, because the two or three customers in line for a coffee, turn to look at the interaction between the two exes, and the ones at the tables stop talking or ordering their food. So much so, that Granny has the need to say, "Are you going to order something or keep staring as idiots?"
"R-Regina..." is the only word that leaves his mouth.
"Robin…" is what she replies with uneasiness.
Robin is standing between the exit and the counter so Regina can't walk inside if he doesn't step to one side, but he is so troubled by her presence that he remains paralyzed in the same place just looking at her.
And, well, if he believed before this town was cursed and frozen in time, in that precise moment he is sure he is facing the very sorcerer that cast that curse, because not only she hasn't aged a bit, but also she looks better. Regina has always been an extremely beautiful and classy woman, but now she looks more sophisticated, even regal, and she continues to be as breathtaking as ever.
When Robin realizes he is preventing her from reaching the counter, he steps to one side, gesturing with one of his hands in a way that clearly shows he is letting her pass as he says, "Uhm …sorry."
She looks at him, but quickly takes his eyes away and mouths a quiet thank you.
That's all the interaction between them, and he exits the little diner visibly affected by the encounter he just had.
Not even the cold weather makes him react, and for a few seconds, he stays in shock outside the diner. When he reacts, he finds himself confused and doesn't know what to do next due to the contradictory instructions he receives. His instinct tells him to walk away just as he did years ago, but his heart (and years of therapy) tells him to wait for her, to try to talk to her and at least find some answers. His brain wins the inner battle, though, and he decides to wait for her outside the diner, hoping she is there only to buy a coffee and leave because if she is taking breakfast there, his ass will freeze within seconds.
As he drinks from his cup of coffee, welcoming the warmth the liquid brings him, he turns to look through the windows, just to see if she's still there ...maybe she has already left the place using the backdoor...and, honestly, he wouldn't blame her. And, since it has been proven that today is far away from being his lucky day, as he keeps staring through Granny's Diner struggling to find an empty spot among the excessive Christmas decorations placed over the windows, trying to catch a glimpse of her, he feels someone bumping into him and his cup of coffee with the hot liquid pours all over his coat ...definitely, not his lucky day.
Before he can even see who this person is, he recognizes her voice from the few words she says. "I'm so sorry ...I was distracted ..." but it seems she is as moved as him because as soon as she lifts her gaze and finds out with whom she bumped into, she stops talking.
He reacts quickly answering before any awkward silence threatens the moment he has been looking for. "Don't be, Regina ...you don't need to be sorry. Believe me, the least I deserve is some coffee on my coat …"
He is about to continue when he hears her giggling nervously and then she adds, "I bet you do."
He pretends not hearing her and just continues talking, "Look, Regina …uhm ...actually I was waiting for you … I want … I need to talk to you ..."
"Seriously? I think you're four years late. Excuse me, but I have a patient waiting for me," she says as she opens her purse to search for something inside it and Robin knows he has some time left before she actually finds what she's looking for.
"Regina, I just need ten minutes. Settle the day and time that works better for you."
"Um ...I guess it would have worked anytime between January 15 and the end of February 2015. Have a good day Robin."
Shit.
He just watches her walk, but this time it's her the one walking away.
This is definitely a bad day.
To be continued...
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