The sound of the smack rang through the campsite bringing immediate silence. Bilbo was three feet away, out of reach, holding the back of his smarting thigh before he realised what had happened. Thorin had simply taken him by the arm, turned him sideways and smacked his leg as if he were a small fauntling. Which he had been pretending to be the whole day once he had realised their confusion, to have some fun with the grumpy dwarves so fair enough but they started it!
"Come back here Bilbo," Thorin pointed to the spot at his feet, "we are not done yet."
"Is there going to be any more smacking?" A titter from the group around the fire and Bilbo felt his face heat up at the realisation that everyone was listening in.
"Is there going to be any more lip?"
"No." The lip he was referring to was him asking Bilbo to repeat the rules and Bilbo, exasperated by the whole thing saying: I am not allowed to talk, I am not allowed to do anything, I am not allowed to go anywhere, am I allowed to breathe—and cue the smack. "No sir." He replied to the bushy browed frown.
"Then kindly come stand here lad," Thorin had sat himself down on a fallen log just outside the camp with Bilbo to attention at his knees, "and repeat the rules I've set out for you." Bilbo returned reluctantly and gave a small sniff. Wouldn't the lot back home laugh and laugh. "I am waiting, lad." And laugh.
That's another thing that changed from the morning till now. They stopped calling him Mister Baggins as one and changed it to lad, kid, Bilbo and in the case of Thorin's two nephews, sweetheart.
"I am not to complain unless everyone else is complaining." Bilbo held up a thumb. Added a finger, "I am not to be rude to my elders." He sniffed a bit at that oh the embarrassment! If only he had known this will be the result of playing the child they thought him to be! "I will not go off alone anywhere. Not even to pee." Third finger went up and he barely kept himself from stamping his foot at that indignity. "I will get chores like everyone else." Fourth. "No feeding our food to the ponies, I did that so that she could like me and stop swishing me with her tail." Five. "The road is dangerous so I get only one chance to listen or I get punished." Which seemed to be meaning a smack.
"Good job. Do you have any questions."
Oh. I get a chance also? Bilbo sneered down to his feet. Across from him Thorin leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and he took a hasty step back and said the first thing on his mind. "What type of punishment, sir!"
"Well I hope you would not get any as you would be listening and following the rules." He answered in what sounded like a playful tease. Blue eyes had lost their serious glare now, softening on him now that he seemed to be trotting in line and Bilbo had to step on his own toes not to forgive the dwarf immediately. "If you forget we will just have a chat but if I feel it was deliberate it can be anything from more chores to early bedtime. Anything that might hurt yourself or others will get you a turn over my knee."
What. Bilbo blanched at the idea. There was no way he was going to let that happen. The question was whether Thorin would think it was more 'lip' if he told him so in the fervor that he wanted.
"More questions?"
He clamped his lips on the rant keeping it internal and shook his head, he will have to think about this. Contract or no contract he was not going to be staying if he was abused. A smack is one thing in the heat of the moment but a beating quite another!
"Then go help Bombur with dinner."
Bilbo turned to the camp, helping Bombur with dinner is not a hardship and will get him out of Thorin's reach. He stopped at the sea of faces, why were there so many.
"Problem lad?" Asked Thorin getting stuck behind him in his sudden halt.
"I don't know who's Bombur." He pressed his lips on the 'sir' that wanted out.
"That will be me laddie." A redheaded red faced dwarf raised his hand merrily. "You can help with the carrots." Oh joy. Bilbo stepped over to help with the carrots. The camp slowly started chatting again, mostly in their own language and he figured they were discussing his dressing down. It smarted greatly that all had heard and that alone kept him sullen against the cook's friendly chatter. Not talking meant he couldn't criticize the way Bombur wanted the carrots cut, (big pieces with skin and all!) nor comment on the blandness of his stew, a few herbs would do it better.
Bombur gave him the first bowl and he scooted off to sit under a tree as far away as he dared to still be in the camp. There he balanced the bowl on his pulled up knees, duck his head over it to ignore the dark gaze of the king.
"Sweetheart." Fili sat down on his left.
"Cuty pie." Kili at his right. "Planning on sulking forever?"
"I am not sulking." Bilbo sniffed and started on the still steaming stew, blowing on the spoonful for something to do. He was not sulking, he was planning on running away before this mess got too complicated.
"Please. You nearly tripped over your bottom lip just now." Kili gave him an easy shoulder bump.
"Everyone heard." Bilbo hissed, telling despite himself, the brothers so easy to talk to and glared at the camp over his bowl.
"Everyone will always hear." Fili countered unconcerned. "We are on the road, there will be no privacy for quite a while."
Which was horrible. Especially for a hobbit who had been living on his own the last seventeen years. And the meat was chewy. If they started cooking it earlier it would have had time to fall apart. Bilbo clenched his knees tighter and chewed fiercely. It helped a bit to calm down.
Kili lowered his voice and ducked his head closer to Bilbo. "Do you think uncle is happy to see you sulking?"
"I so don't care." Both brothers snorted at that.
"Just try to relax." Fili offered. Seems they were taking turns. "Why we were corrected three times today, you don't see us upset."
"When?" He never heard no such thing.
"Kili was throwing acorns at Ori."
"Fili let you wander too far to pee."
"In my defence you were distracting me with that joke about —"
"Small ears!" Kili reached over Bilbo to thump Fili on the head.
"Yea yea. Anyway we were both too noisy looking for game." Fili shrugged. "It is not as if he was wrong and we did not deserve to be reprimanded."
"So do you see us sulk?" asked Kili.
"I didn't hear any of that."
"Hm because it was in Khuzdul." Fili said. "Next time just listen to his tone, you will know."
It did make Bilbo feel somewhat better (even though they were not smacked) and he chewed the bland stew slower. Maybe next time he would offer advice to Bombur. If he changed his mind and stayed. He relaxed his shoulders and wondered what the joke was about, small ears indeed. To get them back for that he started pestering them to tell him the joke and did not let off when Bombur passed dishes to him for washing and they accompanied him to the stream.
On the way back Kili gave up, knelt down and told him. It pondered the difference between being hungry and horny and the answer was where you put the cucumber. Bilbo blinked at him. It was such a childish joke, he might have heard it when he was twenty. Well his mom would have burned his ears if she knew but it was the age to giggle and gossip and experiment. They mistook his amazement for innocence. Kili ruffled his hair. "See? I told you not for little ears, you will understand it when you are older."
"So where do you put the cucumber." He deadpanned. It brought Kili to his feet in a rush and made Fili who hadn't paid attention to their conversation up till now turn around.
"Kili, you didn't."
"He is like a hornet that just doesn't give up. You either kill them or give them sugar."
Did he just call Bilbo a pest? Bilbo pulled his chin up ignoring the fact that he had been deliberately pestering them for the last hour. Time to up the ante then. "Because if you are hungry you make a salad and put it in the dining room where you will eat it, where do you put the salad if you are horny?" Both of them stared at him. Fili slowly crossed his arms.
"What." Fili reddened nice and high on his cheeks. "What does horny mean Bilbo, do you know."
"It's when you are extra hungry."
"Well then you put it in the kitchen!" Kili had an eureka moment. "End of joke. Let's go it's getting late." He manhandled Bilbo out ahead to a clattering of bowls. "Don't let it fall it is wet it will get muddy and Bombur will send you back."
"Nice going idiot." Fili hissed and cuffed his brother in passing. He was trying for a low whisper but hobbits had good ears. Probably the pointy bit helped like the elves. "Do you remember how many times today he complained he was very hungry?"
Oh Yavanna. Bilbo had not thought of that one yet, piping up in the company saying he was horny! It will never happen not even to pull their legs. Besides. He had made up his mind. He evaded Thorin's gaze. He was not staying.