Starscream on Starscream - But Not Like That*

I spend a lot of time on DeviantArt, and one time a meme went around in which people would suggest a transformer, and the recipient would tell some things about that character as they had come to know them. A good friend of mine submitted the following to me: "Let's go with Starscream. How do you perceive him?"

This was the somewhat unexpected response, as I just typed out everything as it transpired in real time. Looking back, I should have known that the Air Commander would no way have let me simply answer in his behalf!

o0o

Me: "Starscream. Oh man..."

*pounding footfalls come crashing in*

Ss: "Get away from that computer, fleshling! You've done enough damage to my reputation as it is!"

Me: "Oh-ho-ho! The ego has landed!" *is shoved* "Hey! You can't even use a keyboard! Your fingers are too big!"

Ss: "Watch me. I'm not about to let you tell anyone anything about me ever again!" *steals chair, hogs keyboard* [scale? what scale? this is Transformers! We don't need no stinkin' scale!]

Me: "OK, what do you want me to tell them? Since, if you'll notice, your cockpit is currently typing fgjhdfjghjfdghfdghf..."

Ss: "Pit-spawned carbon-excreting Earth-germ!"

Me: "Ah-ah-ah!" *shakes finger* "Language!" *reclaims seat* "All right. We both know there are some pretty damning things I could tell people about you. But we're friends now, and it was too tough a fight to get here for me to toss that out lightly. So we'll agree that I will avoid any disclosures that might infringe on either yours or my own privacy. So that people won't jump to any conclusions, we'll state that neither of us has done anything we need to be ashamed of; but all the same, we wouldn't want the videos on YouTube. Some things are private. Fair enough?"

Ss: *snorts* "You still told them way more than you ought to have done..."

Me: "Really? 'Ought to have done'? Breakin' out the high-falutin' grammar now, ain't we, Mr. Science-Pants?"

Ss: "I. Don't. Wear. Pants."

Me: *doubles over laughing* [types] "Item One: Starscream does NOT wear pants."

Ss: *uneasy*"What... Why is that funny...?"

Me: *recovers breath* "OK, really, Screamer-Old Boy- oh fraggit I really try not to call you that but sometimes it just slips out..." *brief arm-pat* "Blargh. Fragging machines. Anyway... What do you want the other fleshies to know about you?"

Ss: *pulls up second chair. Crosses ankle over knee. Puts fingers to chin in ostentatious 'thinking' pose* "Well, they seem to know I'm the best flier in the sky..."

Me: *rolls eyes* Check.

Ss: "And they know I'm the best-looking mech ever created..."

Me: *snort* *headdesk* "Why do you guys even care about looks? It doesn't farm!** I think you're the only one who does, to be honest. Well, maybe Prime might disagree with you about most aesthetically-pleasing design... Oh, wait, you said 'mech,' not 'bot.' So we're not counting the femmes then. 'Cause I know he thinks Elita-" *notices glare of doom* "Shutting up about Prime now..." *shuts up. Sits very still until Ss unstiffens*

Ss: "There is one thing you can tell those arrogant flesh-sacks-"

Me: "Hey! You're the one 'Con who's usually not such a jerk about humanity. So hush! Be a scientist, not an aft for one minute, OK?"

Ss: "Fine. But you make sure to tell them that I do NOT and never will have any sort of *grimaces, as if tasting tainted energon* 'crush' on that fragging thief Prime. You got that?"

Me: *meekly* "Yes Starscream." *types it in*

Ss: *uncomfortable*"Can we be done here?"

Me: *soothingly* "Sure pal."

Ss: "You're not going to put in anything else behind my back?"

Me: "No, sweetie. I'll post this as-is, warts and all."

Ss: "I do not have any 'warts'!"

Me: *exasperated* "I know. You're perfection itself and someday we'll all recognize it." *changes subject* "How's Halfback?"

Ss: "Fine."

Me: "You?"

Ss: "Fine."

Me: "We good then?"

Ss: "Yeah, I guess."

Me: "All right, then." *quick hug* "Nice to see you again. It's been a while."

Ss" *silence. He ain't gonna say it even under torture*

Me: *pats his arm* "Yeah. You too. Say hi to Halfback for me. And don't be a stranger, if you want some human company once in a while. Magnus*** has grown up a lot... But you seem to have lost interest." *shrugs* "It's all good. Anyways, I'm-a send this now, and then off to write more stories. Laters, pal."

Ss: "Laters" [awkward pause - he can't believe he just said that] *facepalm* *grimace* *mechly salute* *disappears*

*"Not like that!" The cry reverberating up and down the phone-line whenever my besties and I say something that sounds like it might be questionable/dirty. A running joke.

** "Farm" [verb] "to function in a logical manner" Derived from a conversation/miscommunication I had with my husband once as he was playing a Star Wars version of Age of Empires (I think)... little R2D2 units were going out, shining lights at the ground till cement circles appeared, then heading back to base. "What are they doing?" I asked. "Farming," he replied. I looked at the inexplicable circles. "How does that even farm?!"

*** Magnus the name of my real-life youngest son, whom Starscream used to watch avidly when he was a baby. (Ss was jealous of the cuddling... I used to sometimes let him 'plug into' my head so he could feel what it was like to snuggle a small sleeping person.)