Hello there, Dr Who fandom, I am a newcomer and I bring you semi-crack. I say semi because, I think it would be the height of awesome if something similar to this really happened in the series.
But, no ado for a short cracky fanfic. Hope you enjoy it at least a little.
SWEETIE
The bloody Daleks were back again, and it went beyond a retro paintjob; they were back to attempting the destruction of the Earth again, just to spite the Doctor. They really were quite a petty lot, couldn't let a grudge go even when their lives depended on it. No matter how many times the Doctor beat them down, they always came back for more, and grew weaker each time. It would be admirable if it weren't so annoying.
That was, at least, the gist of the speech he gave. In his spare moments, the Doctor liked to plot out little speeches for when his enemies returned. They always came in handy, and bought his companions time to struggle towards some escape while everyone stared transfixed in terror. Of course, unless the companion was doing the same. They did that, a lot.
"So, who is it?" the Doctor loudly asked. "Who helped you out this time, huh?"
"Hello, sweetie."
The Doctor whirled around to find River Song walking towards him, confident almost-smirk across her painted slips and hair curling everywhere as usual. The Doctor kind of hoped his hair could be that curly when he finally was a redhead, though that was looking less and less likely, but at least he had a redheaded companion, and he was getting very off topic.
"…River?" he said, only slightly surprised. He was acting surprised at all for the sake of manners.
"No, Doctor," River said. Her voice was suddenly much deeper, striking a familiar tone that made the hairs on the back of the Doctor's neck stand on end and his hearts pound. "You may call me… the Master."
Before his eyes, River's body started to merge until someone much more familiar and ancient once again stood before him; still blonde, sleek, very much a man and undeniably the Master.
"Doctor! How the bloody hell did River just become a man?" he heard Amy shout, but he wasn't sure where from.
"…no," he found himself saying. "No, I saw you die. How did you come back again?"
Sneering, the Master leant closer and whispered, "With science." He shoved the Doctor against a wall the Doctor swore hadn't been there a minute ago, and reached into his pocket. The Doctor reached for his screwdriver, but all it was was a piece of paper. The Master unfolded it. "And this, Doctor, is our marriage license."
The Doctor stared in horror, and screamed. Turned out this was a good move, as when he opened his eyes he was in bed.
"…oh good," the Doctor sighed, flopping back down and instantly slipping back into slumber.
A thousand light years away, River Song was eating jelly babies.