In From the Cold
By: White Rain
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park
Genre: It's not a relationships damn it
Pairing: Cartman/Kyle
Word Count: 925
Rating: PG-13
Notes: I just need to cement my place in hell.
Summary: Cartman goes to Kyle's home to seek warmth from the freezing cold and sex without elaborate manipulation. Truly a love story for us all to cry about.
Cartman looked at his watch and then he looked up at the sky. "You hate me," he told God. He looked towards the house a few feet away. "I would too. But I'm still damning you," he said as he walked towards the door and knocked on it.
Kyle answered. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I'm freezing my ass off here," Cartman told him. "Let me in."
"You only live a block away," Kyle pointed out.
"But it's cold and I don't want to walk anymore," Cartman said and wrapped his arms around himself to prove his point.
Kyle answered this by closing the door and a loud click informed Cartman that he'd locked it as well.
"Oh that's just great!" Cartman said. "I'll stand here and freeze to death. Just so you can feel guilty. I'm telling you, your stupid Jewish - "
"God damn it," Kyle snapped as he opened the door, grabbed Cartman's wrist, and pulled him into his house. "If you promise to leave me alone, you can stay."
"I don't even want to be around you," Cartman said.
"Good," Kyle said as he began to walk to the stairs. "You know where the video games are."
Cartman was about to go sit on the couch when something hit him. "Wait!"
Kyle turned around, pinching his nose. "What the fuck did I just say?"
Cartman folded his arms. "What are you doing?"
"Homework," Kyle said. At Cartman look of horror, he added defensively, "I like doing homework."
"No," Cartman said, shaking his head. "There is no way I'm letting you do your homework on a Friday night. It's just not right. Not right at all."
"There are so many things wrong with that," Kyle told him, twitching. "But go ahead, tell me how you're going to stop me."
Cartman closed the distance between them. He poked Kyle's chest with his index finger. "I am going to let you suck my balls."
For a moment, it looked like Kyle was going to go off on an angry rant that would piss Cartman off. But then, Cartman's words seem to sink in and Kyle shook his head as he walked over to the couch and sat down, clearly in shock. "That doesn't make any sense."
"I thought we were over the denial phase," Cartman said as he turned around.
Kyle was looking at Cartman in the eye, voice dull, as he said, "It just doesn't make any sense. You're supposed to conduct an elaborate scheme to humiliate me and manipulate me into having sex with you. Then I kick you in the balls and vow never to let you touch me again. Rinse and repeat."
Cartman jerked his arm out in pointed in Kyle's direction. "I'm doing this for you. There is no way I'm sleeping with a loser who does his homework on a Friday night. God damn Jew can't be thankful for anything."
Kyle shook his head slowly. "You never do anything for anyone but yourself."
Cartman sighed loudly. "Okay fine, I just realized I want to have sex right now. So much that I'm letting you win this argument."
"But you're a sadistic asshole who gets off on humiliating me," Kyle told him, shaking his head again.
At that Cartman's actually looked hurt and his voice was more sad than Kyle's was shocked a moment ago, "A relationship isn't just based off a man manipulating his bitch into sex, Kyle," he tilted his head upwards, thoughtfully, "sometimes it's an expression mutual lust with an added bonus of staying warm on a cold winters' night."
That got Kyle moving. He jumped off the couch and stormed over to Cartman, yelling, "I'm not your bitch, this isn't a relationship, and get out of my house!"
"Are you on your period?" Cartman asked, sounding genuinely curious.
"I am not a girl!" Kyle said and shoved Cartman on the ground for good measure.
Cartman looked up at him. "I'm starting to think you don't want to have sex."
"Rather or not I do isn't the point," Kyle said, turning around and folding his arms. "I said no and you have to respect that."
"God damn it, have you been reading Wendy's stupid hippie feminist books again?" Cartman growled, standing up. "Where's my coat? I need to go smack that bitch down."
"She's not home," Kyle said, self-satisfied.
"Well, where is she?" Cartman said.
"I'm not telling you," Kyle said.
Cartman rolled his eyes as he walked over to Kyle's phone. "I'll just call her parents and ask."
He'd only dialed four numbers when Kyle grabbed the phone out of his hand and hung it up loudly. "If I let you sleep with me, will you leave me alone and let me get some work done?"
Cartman tapped his chin and said after a moment, "Can we do it on your bed with soft music?"
Kyle looked longingly at the wall, as if he wished to slam his head against it repeatedly. "Will we have to listen to one of your stupid pop princesses?"
"They're not stupid!" Cartman snapped. He took a deep breath and then said, "But I can be a man of compromises. I'll settle with the tape of boyband music I'm planning on making you listen to next week on repeat while you're tied to a chair. It should be in your closet."
"...This has got to be one of the most fucked up things in the world."
Cartman tapped his feet on the ground. "Is that a yes or no? I don't have all night!"
"Fine."
Cartman began to lead the way to Kyle's bedroom. "But would it kill you to just admit this is a relationship?"
"Say another word and I'm kicking you out of my house."